Ricky Gervais Humanity -amrap Mkv (2018) Subtitles

At 00:00:31,170, Character said: Hello.

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At 00:00:33,490, Character said: Hello! How you doing?

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At 00:00:36,810, Character said: Great.

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At 00:00:37,730, Character said: Thank you.

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At 00:00:38,810, Character said: Wow.

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At 00:00:41,130, Character said: Calm down.

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At 00:00:42,130, Character said: Shut the f***k up.

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At 00:00:44,890, Character said: Thank you. What a lovely welcome.

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At 00:00:47,050, Character said: I'm gonna try my hardest tonight.

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At 00:00:49,690, Character said: You're thinking, "Relax, we've had
our money's worth just seeing you."

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At 00:00:54,930, Character said: What? You're a legend. Shut up!
What is he?

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At 00:00:58,970, Character said: I'm not a god.

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At 00:01:01,810, Character said: I'm just an ordinary guy, you know,

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At 00:01:04,090, Character said: going round talking to people

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At 00:01:05,930, Character said: sort... sort of like Jesus...

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At 00:01:09,770, Character said: in a way... but better.

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At 00:01:12,770, Character said: Well, I've actually turned up. So...

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At 00:01:21,290, Character said: Thank you and welcome
to my new show, Humanity.

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At 00:01:24,010, Character said: I don't know why I called it that.
I'm not a big fan.

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At 00:01:27,170, Character said: I prefer dogs... obviously.

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At 00:01:29,690, Character said: Dogs are better people than people,
aren't they?

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At 00:01:32,570, Character said: They're amazing, dogs.

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At 00:01:34,650, Character said: They're our best friends.

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At 00:01:36,010, Character said: They guard us, they guide us.

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At 00:01:37,890, Character said: There's medical detection dogs

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At 00:01:39,970, Character said: that can smell if you've g***t...

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At 00:01:42,370, Character said: AIDS.

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At 00:01:44,410, Character said: I'm not a doctor...
but their noses are a thousand times

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At 00:01:48,210, Character said: more sensitive than ours, so they go,

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At 00:01:50,130, Character said: "Cor, you're well HIV! F***k!" You know?

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At 00:01:54,170, Character said: And you go,
"You can smell AIDS on someone?"

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At 00:01:57,530, Character said: Yeah.

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At 00:01:59,490, Character said: "Why didn't you smell it on the bloke

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At 00:02:01,290, Character said: I brought home last night,
you f***g idiot?"

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At 00:02:06,730, Character said: They did the first three billion years
by themselves,

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At 00:02:10,090, Character said: evolution and all that.

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At 00:02:11,530, Character said: Then we g***t involved
and did some selective breeding.

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At 00:02:14,970, Character said: Getting them how we wanted,
to do jobs for us.

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At 00:02:17,650, Character said: Bit stronger, faster, whatever.

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At 00:02:19,650, Character said: They're great at the jobs
they're bred to do.

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At 00:02:22,570, Character said: They love the job they're bred to do.

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At 00:02:24,650, Character said: They're genetically hardwired
to love that behavior.

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At 00:02:27,730, Character said: Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback
was bred to hunt lions.

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At 00:02:32,450, Character said: I can't help but think it was
a shock to it when it found out.

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At 00:02:37,490, Character said: So we've g***t all the pedigrees
for miles around.

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At 00:02:40,490, Character said: A big passing-out parade.

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At 00:02:42,130, Character said: There's a bloke with a white coat
and a clipboard.

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At 00:02:45,170, Character said: He goes, "Right, dogs!"
They go, "What?"

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At 00:02:47,410, Character said: "Who wants to know what job they g***t?"

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At 00:02:49,330, Character said: "We all do. We all do."

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At 00:02:51,410, Character said: "Okay, Labradors."

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At 00:02:52,930, Character said: "Yeah?"

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At 00:02:56,610, Character said: "Do you like carefully bringing back
dead ducks?"

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At 00:03:00,410, Character said: "Yeah?"

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At 00:03:02,850, Character said: "That's your job."

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At 00:03:04,090, Character said: "Amazing. That is amazing.

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At 00:03:05,570, Character said: That is my favorite job.
That is my favorite job."

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At 00:03:09,130, Character said: "Jack Russells?"

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At 00:03:10,170, Character said: -"Yeah?"
-"You like shooting down rabbit holes?"

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At 00:03:12,890, Character said: -"Yeah!"
-"That's your job."

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At 00:03:14,770, Character said: "Fuckin' hell.
Best day ever! Best day ever!"

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At 00:03:19,490, Character said: -"Miniature poodles?"
-"Yeah?"

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At 00:03:21,330, Character said: "Do you like being carried around
by elderly homosexuals?"

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At 00:03:26,490, Character said: -"Yeah."
-"That's your job."

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At 00:03:28,130, Character said: That's your job.

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At 00:03:33,930, Character said: "Ridgebacks?"

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At 00:03:34,890, Character said: "Yo!"

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At 00:03:37,050, Character said: "You're hunting lions."

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At 00:03:38,410, Character said: "What?"

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At 00:03:41,570, Character said: "You're hunting lions."

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At 00:03:45,010, Character said: "F***k off!"

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At 00:03:47,690, Character said: -"Yeah, you are."
-"No, we're not.

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At 00:03:49,730, Character said: Look, lions?

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At 00:03:50,810, Character said: We'll get f***g mashed!

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At 00:03:52,690, Character said: Why can't the Rottweilers hunt lions?"

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At 00:03:55,850, Character said: "They're shaking babies."

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At 00:03:59,930, Character said: Good boy!

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At 00:04:01,730, Character said: Good boy! You shake that baby if you want.

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At 00:04:04,050, Character said: Good boy!

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At 00:04:07,250, Character said: Cheers.

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At 00:04:11,450, Character said: This is my first new stand-up
for seven years,

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At 00:04:14,890, Character said: if you don't count the Golden Globes.

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At 00:04:19,410, Character said: Which you shouldn't.

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At 00:04:20,610, Character said: The Golden Globes. Very different.

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At 00:04:22,290, Character said: God, a different vibe.

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At 00:04:24,050, Character said: Two hundred million people watching.

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At 00:04:26,210, Character said: And it's live.

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At 00:04:27,490, Character said: Big thrill.

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At 00:04:28,410, Character said: But with that many people watching,

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At 00:04:30,250, Character said: there's a bit of stick.

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At 00:04:31,610, Character said: Everyone's different,
everyone's a blogger.

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At 00:04:33,970, Character said: Everyone goes, "I was offended."

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At 00:04:37,570, Character said: -"Why?"
-"He said an horrible thing."

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At 00:04:39,810, Character said: "He said loads of horrible things."

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At 00:04:41,610, Character said: "Yeah, but that was a thing
that I care about."

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At 00:04:45,410, Character said: That's the thing about offense,

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At 00:04:46,930, Character said: it's about personal feelings.

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At 00:04:48,490, Character said: I don't care about the backlash.

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At 00:04:50,490, Character said: "Comedian in hot water."

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At 00:04:53,490, Character said: You know?

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At 00:04:54,490, Character said: My girlfriend, Jane, she worries,
and she reads things.

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At 00:04:57,610, Character said: "What have you said?"

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At 00:05:00,090, Character said: "Don't worry.

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At 00:05:01,050, Character said: They won't come to the house. F***k 'em."

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At 00:05:05,930, Character said: So I wind her up.

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At 00:05:07,530, Character said: I pretend I'm gonna say much worse things

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At 00:05:09,930, Character said: than I ever would.

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At 00:05:11,130, Character said: I have to make up worse jokes

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At 00:05:13,250, Character said: than I actually...

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At 00:05:16,010, Character said: Just to scare my girlfriend.

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At 00:05:19,090, Character said: When I do the Golden Globes,
we go out about a week before.

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At 00:05:22,130, Character said: It's in LA. We fly out.

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At 00:05:23,890, Character said: I'm writing jokes
as the ceremony approaches.

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At 00:05:26,730, Character said: They release more presenters.
I take my pick.

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At 00:05:29,530, Character said: "I g***t a good intro for them. Yeah.

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At 00:05:31,890, Character said: Mel Gibson? I'll introduce him, yes."

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At 00:05:37,450, Character said: About three days before this last one,

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At 00:05:40,130, Character said: just to wind Jane up, I said,
"I g***t a good intro."

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At 00:05:42,730, Character said: She went, "What?"

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At 00:05:43,850, Character said: I said, "Bill Cosby would make
our next presenter sleep on the couch.

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At 00:05:48,810, Character said: Please welcome Helen Mirren!"

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At 00:05:52,250, Character said: I didn't do it.

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At 00:05:55,370, Character said: She said, "You won't do that?"
I said, "No."

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At 00:05:58,170, Character said: Next day, I g***t her again.

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At 00:05:59,890, Character said: I said, "Is this too much?"

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At 00:06:01,410, Character said: I said, "Not even Bill Cosby
carries enough tranquilizer

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At 00:06:04,850, Character said: to bring down
this next magnificent beast.

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At 00:06:08,890, Character said: Please welcome Melissa McCarthy!"

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At 00:06:12,250, Character said: I didn't do it! I would never...

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At 00:06:15,410, Character said: I'd never... tell a joke like that.
It's horrible.

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At 00:06:18,610, Character said: I was just doing it to annoy Jane.

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At 00:06:20,690, Character said: I'd never even...

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At 00:06:22,770, Character said: think... of that,

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At 00:06:24,650, Character said: so don't...

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At 00:06:26,930, Character said: Even on the day, on the way
to the red carpet, in the limo,

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At 00:06:30,690, Character said: I said, "I'll start with
a funny one-liner.

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At 00:06:33,570, Character said: An old-fashioned joke."

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At 00:06:34,930, Character said: She went, "What?" I said,

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At 00:06:36,610, Character said: "What did the deaf, dumb and blind
orphan get for Christmas?"

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At 00:06:40,130, Character said: Jane went, "I don't know."

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At 00:06:41,690, Character said: I said, "Cancer."

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