Ricky.Gervais.Humanity.2018.1080p.WEB.x264-AMRAP.mkv Subtitles

00:00:31,170 --> 00:00:32,Hello.

00:00:33,490 --> 00:00:35,Hello! How you doing?

00:00:36,810 --> 00:00:37,Great.

00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:38,Thank you.

00:00:38,810 --> 00:00:39,Wow.

00:00:41,130 --> 00:00:42,Calm down.

00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,Shut the f***k up.

00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:46,Thank you. What a lovely welcome.

00:00:47,050 --> 00:00:48,I'm gonna try my hardest tonight.

00:00:49,690 --> 00:00:53,You're thinking, "Relax, we've had
our money's worth just seeing you."

00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,What? You're a legend. Shut up!
What is he?

00:00:58,970 --> 00:01:00,I'm not a god.

00:01:01,810 --> 00:01:04,I'm just an ordinary guy, you know,

00:01:04,090 --> 00:01:05,going round talking to people

00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:08,sort... sort of like Jesus...

00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,in a way... but better.

00:01:12,770 --> 00:01:15,Well, I've actually turned up. So...

00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:23,Thank you and welcome
to my new show, Humanity.

00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:27,I don't know why I called it that.
I'm not a big fan.

00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,I prefer dogs... obviously.

00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,Dogs are better people than people,
aren't they?

00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,They're amazing, dogs.

00:01:34,650 --> 00:01:35,They're our best friends.

00:01:36,010 --> 00:01:37,They guard us, they guide us.

00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,There's medical detection dogs

00:01:39,970 --> 00:01:41,that can smell if you've g***t...

00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,AIDS.

00:01:44,410 --> 00:01:48,I'm not a doctor...
but their noses are a thousand times

00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:50,more sensitive than ours, so they go,

00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:52,"Cor, you're well HIV! F***k!" You know?

00:01:54,170 --> 00:01:56,And you go,
"You can smell AIDS on someone?"

00:01:57,530 --> 00:01:58,Yeah.

00:01:59,490 --> 00:02:01,"Why didn't you smell it on the bloke

00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,I brought home last night,
you f***g idiot?"

00:02:06,730 --> 00:02:09,They did the first three billion years
by themselves,

00:02:10,090 --> 00:02:11,evolution and all that.

00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:14,Then we g***t involved
and did some selective breeding.

00:02:14,970 --> 00:02:17,Getting them how we wanted,
to do jobs for us.

00:02:17,650 --> 00:02:19,Bit stronger, faster, whatever.

00:02:19,650 --> 00:02:22,They're great at the jobs
they're bred to do.

00:02:22,570 --> 00:02:24,They love the job they're bred to do.

00:02:24,650 --> 00:02:27,They're genetically hardwired
to love that behavior.

00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:31,Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback
was bred to hunt lions.

00:02:32,450 --> 00:02:36,I can't help but think it was
a shock to it when it found out.

00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:40,So we've g***t all the pedigrees
for miles around.

00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:42,A big passing-out parade.

00:02:42,130 --> 00:02:45,There's a bloke with a white coat
and a clipboard.

00:02:45,170 --> 00:02:47,He goes, "Right, dogs!"
They go, "What?"

00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:49,"Who wants to know what job they g***t?"

00:02:49,330 --> 00:02:50,"We all do. We all do."

00:02:51,410 --> 00:02:52,"Okay, Labradors."

00:02:52,930 --> 00:02:53,"Yeah?"

00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,"Do you like carefully bringing back
dead ducks?"

00:03:00,410 --> 00:03:01,"Yeah?"

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,"That's your job."

00:03:04,090 --> 00:03:05,"Amazing. That is amazing.

00:03:05,570 --> 00:03:08,That is my favorite job.
That is my favorite job."

00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:10,"Jack Russells?"

00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:12,-"Yeah?"
-"You like shooting down rabbit holes?"

00:03:12,890 --> 00:03:14,-"Yeah!"
-"That's your job."

00:03:14,770 --> 00:03:17,"Fuckin' hell.
Best day ever! Best day ever!"

00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:21,-"Miniature poodles?"
-"Yeah?"

00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:24,"Do you like being carried around
by elderly homosexuals?"

00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:27,-"Yeah."
-"That's your job."

00:03:28,130 --> 00:03:29,That's your job.

00:03:33,930 --> 00:03:34,"Ridgebacks?"

00:03:34,890 --> 00:03:35,"Yo!"

00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,"You're hunting lions."

00:03:38,410 --> 00:03:39,"What?"

00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:42,"You're hunting lions."

00:03:45,010 --> 00:03:46,"F***k off!"

00:03:47,690 --> 00:03:49,-"Yeah, you are."
-"No, we're not.

00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:50,Look, lions?

00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:52,We'll get f***g mashed!

00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:55,Why can't the Rottweilers hunt lions?"

00:03:55,850 --> 00:03:57,"They're shaking babies."

00:03:59,930 --> 00:04:01,Good boy!

00:04:01,730 --> 00:04:03,Good boy! You shake that baby if you want.

00:04:04,050 --> 00:04:05,Good boy!

00:04:07,250 --> 00:04:08,Cheers.

00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:14,This is my first new stand-up
for seven years,

00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:16,if you don't count the Golden Globes.

00:04:19,410 --> 00:04:20,Which you shouldn't.

00:04:20,610 --> 00:04:22,The Golden Globes. Very different.

00:04:22,290 --> 00:04:23,God, a different vibe.

00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:25,Two hundred million people watching.

00:04:26,210 --> 00:04:27,And it's live.

00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:28,Big thrill.

00:04:28,410 --> 00:04:30,But with that many people watching,

00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,there's a bit of stick.

00:04:31,610 --> 00:04:33,Everyone's different,
everyone's a blogger.

00:04:33,970 --> 00:04:35,Everyone goes, "I was offended."

00:04:37,570 --> 00:04:39,-"Why?"
-"He said an horrible thing."

00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:41,"He said loads of horrible things."

00:04:41,610 --> 00:04:44,"Yeah, but that was a thing
that I care about."

00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,That's the thing about offense,

00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:48,it's about personal feelings.

00:04:48,490 --> 00:04:50,I don't care about the backlash.

00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,"Comedian in hot water."

00:04:53,490 --> 00:04:54,You know?

00:04:54,490 --> 00:04:57,My girlfriend, Jane, she worries,
and she reads things.

00:04:57,610 --> 00:04:59,"What have you said?"

00:05:00,090 --> 00:05:00,"Don't worry.

00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,They won't come to the house. F***k 'em."

00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,So I wind her up.

00:05:07,530 --> 00:05:09,I pretend I'm gonna say much worse things

00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,than I ever would.

00:05:11,130 --> 00:05:13,I have to make up worse jokes

00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:14,than I actually...

00:05:16,010 --> 00:05:18,Just to scare my girlfriend.

00:05:19,090 --> 00:05:22,When I do the Golden Globes,
we go out about a week before.

00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:23,It's in LA. We fly out.

00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:26,I'm writing jokes
as the ceremony approaches.

00:05:26,730 --> 00:05:29,They release more presenters.
I take my pick.

00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,"I g***t a good intro for them. Yeah.

00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:34,Mel Gibson? I'll introduce him, yes."

00:05:37,450 --> 00:05:39,About three days before this last one,

00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:42,just to wind Jane up, I said,
"I g***t a good intro."

00:05:42,730 --> 00:05:43,She went, "What?"

00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:47,I said, "Bill Cosby would make
our next presenter sleep on the couch.

00:05:48,810 --> 00:05:50,Please welcome Helen Mirren!"

00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:53,I didn't do it.

00:05:55,370 --> 00:05:57,She said, "You won't do that?"
I said, "No."

00:05:58,170 --> 00:05:59,Next day, I g***t her again.

00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:01,I said, "Is this too much?"

00:06:01,410 --> 00:06:04,I said, "Not even Bill Cosby
carries enough tranquilizer

00:06:04,850 --> 00:06:07,to bring down
this next magnificent beast.

00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,Please welcome Melissa McCarthy!"

00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,I didn't do it! I would never...

00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:18,I'd never... tell a joke like that.
It's horrible.

00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:20,I was just doing it to annoy Jane.

00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:21,I'd never even...

00:06:22,770 --> 00:06:24,think... of that,

00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:25,so don't...

00:06:26,930 --> 00:06:30,Even on the day, on the way
to the red carpet, in the limo,

00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:33,I said, "I'll start with
a funny one-liner.

00:06:33,570 --> 00:06:34,An old-fashioned joke."

00:06:34,930 --> 00:06:36,She went, "What?" I said,

00:06:36,610 --> 00:06:40,"What did the deaf, dumb and blind
orphan get for Christmas?"

00:06:40,130 --> 00:06:41,Jane went, "I don't know."

00:06:41,690 --> 00:06:42,I said, "Cancer."

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