Only When I Laugh s01e05 Let Them Eat Cake Subtitles

00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:26,140 --> 00:00:28,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:33,I know I **, I'm sure I **.

00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:36,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:42,I know I **, I'm sure I **. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:56,You having trouble with a crossword?

00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:00,No, I can't say no more. I can't go on
like this.

00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,As long as I'm a monk. What are you
talking about?

00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,Well, don't you miss them, Figgy? What?

00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,Women.

00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:10,Don't you wake up every night thinking
about them? Every nerve screaming?

00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:13,Certainly not. I've told you to stop
reading their magazines.

00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:16,Why do you read all that stuff? What
pleasure do you get from it? Don't do it

00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:17,for pleasure, Norman.

00:01:18,060 --> 00:01:19,I do it so I don't forget what they look
like.

00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,This way, if I ever see one again, I'll
be able to identify it by the

00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:23,silhouette.

00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,Calm down, Archie. Take it easy. Make
the best of things.

00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,Make the best of things? What things?

00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,What have we g***t to look forward to?
Well, Coco will be along in a minute.

00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:33,Oh, yes, I was forgetting with Coco.

00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,That's going to be the highlight of the
evening, isn't it?

00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,He's hardly been brimming with incidents
up to now, has it? Not unless you count

00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,the time that he dropped the bedpan.

00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,No, let's face it.

00:01:43,710 --> 00:01:46,I've had livelier times in the public
library.

00:01:46,470 --> 00:01:48,You've been here too long. That's your
trouble. You're not supposed to have a

00:01:48,890 --> 00:01:52,lively time. You're near for rest and
recuperation, not rape and pillage. I

00:01:52,910 --> 00:01:53,don't understand.

00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:58,I dream every night that I'm surrounded
by women. Then I wake up and find you

00:01:58,210 --> 00:01:59,two. It's very frustrating.

00:02:00,310 --> 00:02:03,Of course it's frustrating, and I
sympathise. Perhaps we can get Gupta to

00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,to you from the Kama Sutra. He's not on
tonight.

00:02:06,090 --> 00:02:07,Well, there you are. There's something
to look forward to.

00:02:08,130 --> 00:02:09,Who's going to walk in through that
door?

00:02:10,169 --> 00:02:11,Who's it going to be?

00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:14,Probably the Incredible Hulk, or the one
with the ankles.

00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:18,Oh, what's happened to all the pretty
nurses?

00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,That's what I want to know. Why don't
they come in here any more? Because it's

00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:22,the vernal equinox, that's why.

00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,What are you talking about? Spring,
mate.

00:02:25,540 --> 00:02:26,Saps rising, isn't it?

00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:30,All nature's become aware, and so has
Matron. She's no fool.

00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,She's observed the bee robbing the
flower of its nectar, and she's making

00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:36,you don't try and do the same thing.
She's put them all on geriatrics.

00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,I'm not saying they don't have impure
thoughts in there.

00:02:39,870 --> 00:02:41,I just don't have the strength to carry
them out.

00:02:41,890 --> 00:02:42,I'm going to complain.

00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:44,It's affecting my morale.

00:02:45,190 --> 00:02:47,At least they could send someone in here
with decent legs.

00:02:47,890 --> 00:02:50,Even if they did, they wouldn't get
involved with a patient. It's a rule.

00:02:50,910 --> 00:02:52,They've g***t to be completely
emotionless.

00:02:53,110 --> 00:02:57,Nurse Clare isn't completely
emotionless. Who? On the surface, she

00:02:57,170 --> 00:03:00,and remote, but under that starched
white apron, she feels like a woman.

00:03:00,990 --> 00:03:02,She's not the only one.

00:03:03,130 --> 00:03:04,What have you been on about?

00:03:07,010 --> 00:03:08,Tangled web?

00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,By Ethel P.

00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,Dodds? Where'd you get this from?

00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:12,I found it in the day room.

00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,You don't want to take any notice of
this.

00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,It's pure fantasy.

00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,Absolute rubbish.

00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:19,Tangled web.

00:03:22,380 --> 00:03:23,What's it about?

00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:30,It's about this nurse she's become
involved with Gerald a patient He's a

00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:34,young man with beautiful hands white
teeth and the finest hair she's ever

00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,She's worried about him, but she tries
to hide it. She keeps going outside and

00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:41,pressing her face against the wall What
does she press her face against the wall

00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,for? She's fighting back the tears
because she's a nurse. She's always

00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:49,Or biting her lower lip or digging her
nails into the palms of her hands. And

00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:54,all the time, beneath that starched
apron, her heart lurches and leaps.

00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,and she's worried about him. I'd be
worried about her.

00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,Pressing her face against the wall, her
heart lurching and leaping. It's not

00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,normal. She sounds in a state of
collapse.

00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:03,She is.

00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,She's just been tossed aside by rich
playboy Brad Stevens.

00:04:08,570 --> 00:04:11,tanned, broad -shouldered and better
looking than any man deserved to be.

00:04:13,110 --> 00:04:17,He's just been admitted to casualty
after falling from his polo pony.

00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:22,But when she saw him, he wasn't the old
Brad. The clean -cut face looked warm

00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:24,and there were smudges of weariness
under the eyes.

00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:25,What does she do?

00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:29,the colour drained from her cheeks and
she had to go out for some fresh air.

00:04:30,030 --> 00:04:33,Blimey, she's off again. She's not well,
is she? She'll be pressing her face

00:04:33,130 --> 00:04:35,against the wall again in a minute. No
wonder he tossed her aside.

00:04:36,290 --> 00:04:37,She's a dead liability.

00:04:37,830 --> 00:04:39,Well, I can tell you how it's going to
finish.

00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:41,Brad Stevens will get her.

00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,She won't go for a young one with a
beautiful hand.

00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,He'll probably die.

00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,I'm not so sure. Young Gerald's just
told her her eyes are the exact shade of

00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,emeralds. That must have made her think.

00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:57,And then there's Dr. Seymour Carew. He's
been helping her pick up the pieces.

00:04:57,820 --> 00:04:59,Don't tell me she drops things as well.

00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,He keeps kissing the top of her head and
knocking her cap askew.

00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:09,But she can't forget Brad Stephens, his
eyes cloudy with desire, the tang of his

00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,aftershave and his mind -numbing kisses.

00:05:12,060 --> 00:05:15,She just has to keep reminding herself
she's a nurse and not some cheap and

00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:19,ready thing. Just listen to him. He
believes all this rubbish. He's worse

00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:19,Ethel P.

00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,Dodds. That's probably a pseudonym
anyway. Probably written by some bloke

00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:24,chunky sweater and carpet slippers.

00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,Life's not like that, Norman. You'll
soon find that out. Hello!

00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,You've g***t a nice smile.

00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,Would you like to help me with the
cocoa?

00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:35,Who, me?

00:05:36,710 --> 00:05:38,It's no good asking him, nurse.

00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:39,He's always dropping things.

00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:42,We've just had a very nasty incident
with a night utensil.

00:05:42,850 --> 00:05:46,You'd better let me do it. Now, you stay
right here, Mr Glover.

00:05:47,270 --> 00:05:48,Let the young ones do the work.

00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:52,You get plenty of rest.

00:05:53,050 --> 00:05:54,We'll see if we can find you a ginger
nut.

00:05:55,610 --> 00:05:56,A ginger nut?

00:05:57,030 --> 00:05:58,Or would you prefer something softer?

00:05:59,210 --> 00:06:01,No, thank you, nurse. I've still g***t my
own teeth.

00:06:01,790 --> 00:06:04,I don't mind going. You rest, Archie.

00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:06,What a nice smile.

00:06:06,430 --> 00:06:09,Yeah. And the finest hair you've ever
seen.

00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:11,Would you believe it? Isn't that
amazing?

00:06:11,410 --> 00:06:14,You know who that was, don't you? That
was Nurse Clare, straight from Tangled

00:06:14,650 --> 00:06:16,Web. Even looked like her. Don't be
ridiculous.

00:06:17,070 -->...