Only When I Laugh s02e02 Where Theres A Will Subtitles

00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:23,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:28,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:32,I know I **, I'm sure I **.

00:00:33,090 --> 00:00:35,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:41,I know I **, I'm sure I **. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:58,Are we alone?

00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:03,Yes. Good. Except for him. I'm not
talking about Norman. He's in on this.

00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:05,that's all right, then. I'm talking
about our friend over there, Perkins.

00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:06,You mean Joe?

00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:08,Yes, where is he? Having a bath.

00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,Well, that makes a change. Who's holding
him down?

00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:16,You get one, Archie. Well, you must
admit, he does lack a certain personal

00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,freshness. I'm surprised you haven't
noticed.

00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,Oh, you all haven't g***t your delicate
nostrils, Glover.

00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:25,So you think he smells. Well, that's
charming, isn't it?

00:01:25,310 --> 00:01:28,I wondered why you were always dashing
round him with the air freshener. I'm

00:01:28,170 --> 00:01:29,the only one who thinks so.

00:01:29,610 --> 00:01:33,Norman agrees with me. Oh, does he?
Well, he can speak for himself. Do you

00:01:33,050 --> 00:01:33,he smells?

00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:37,Well, he does pong a bit, Roy. There you
are.

00:01:37,590 --> 00:01:40,I see. And do you know what that smell
is, Glover? I'll tell you. That's the

00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:45,smell of hard manual labour, poor
housing and bad sanitation brought on by

00:01:45,790 --> 00:01:47,middle -class twits like you.

00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:53,It's not just that he smells, Fig. He
has these funny ways. What funny ways?

00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,Oh, come along, Fig. You know what he's
talking about. He talks to himself.

00:01:57,100 --> 00:02:00,Well, he's been on his own for a long
time, hasn't he? Stuck out there in the

00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,country, miles from anywhere, with only
the sheep for company. What do you

00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,expect?

00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:06,Anyway, he doesn't talk to himself.

00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:08,He talks to his dog.

00:02:08,889 --> 00:02:10,But he hasn't g***t a dog.

00:02:10,650 --> 00:02:13,I know that, but it's not doing you any
harm, is it?

00:02:14,390 --> 00:02:18,I don't mind him talking to an imaginary
dog fig, but now he wants me to take it

00:02:18,210 --> 00:02:19,for walks.

00:02:19,770 --> 00:02:23,See? Well, you should be flattered. You
wouldn't trust that dog with anyone.

00:02:24,090 --> 00:02:26,I think he's taken a fancy to you. I
know.

00:02:27,550 --> 00:02:30,I woke up last night and found him
sitting on the edge of my bed.

00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:31,Oh, yes?

00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:33,He said he liked me.

00:02:33,990 --> 00:02:37,What? Well, of course he likes you.
You're a very prepossessing young man. I

00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:39,don't like the sound of this at all.

00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:42,Never mind, Archie. Perhaps he'll sit on
your bed tonight. I hope not.

00:02:43,550 --> 00:02:47,I don't like all this nocturnal
wandering. It makes my flesh creep. He

00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:49,was the son he'd never had. He wanted to
be my father.

00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:52,He left that a bit late, hasn't he?
That's what I told him. I told him to go

00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:56,away. I can't stand him. And he eats
with his mouth open. Well, of course he

00:02:56,070 --> 00:02:58,eats with his mouth open. What do you
expect him to do? Shove it in his ear?

00:03:00,390 --> 00:03:04,He's an uncouth old man, Figgis. I mean,
what about all that? Business with his

00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:05,teeth.

00:03:05,090 --> 00:03:06,You never know where he's going to put
them next.

00:03:07,690 --> 00:03:09,I found them under my pillow this
morning.

00:03:10,370 --> 00:03:12,We think he should be moved into a
sidewalk.

00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:15,Oh, do you? Well, he's as nutty as a
fruitcake.

00:03:16,050 --> 00:03:17,He's harmless.

00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:20,If he was rich, you wouldn't say he was
as nutty as a fruitcake. You'd say he

00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:21,was eccentric.

00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:23,Ha! He says he is rich.

00:03:23,810 --> 00:03:28,What? He says he's g***t land as far as
the eye can see and a fortune in gold

00:03:28,110 --> 00:03:31,sovereigns, and it'll all be mine if I
change my name to Perkins.

00:03:31,770 --> 00:03:33,Mine? God!

00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,What did I tell you?

00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:38,Delusions of grandeur. And I don't think
he's harmless. I don't like that mad

00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,glare in his eyes. Well, they don't put
people away for that, Archie. I mean,

00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:42,yours aren't exactly friendly.

00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,I'll be darned, this enough.

00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:51,Mind you, I wouldn't trust that dog of
his.

00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:05,Good heavens, Gupta, what's going on in
there?

00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:06,This buck is having a buck.

00:04:07,210 --> 00:04:09,Well, he seems to be putting up quite a
struggle.

00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:13,Of course, you've g***t to remember,
Gupta, he's a son of the soil, not used

00:04:13,430 --> 00:04:14,these refinements.

00:04:14,410 --> 00:04:17,What's the matter? Will he take his
clothes off? No, he won't put them back

00:04:17,269 --> 00:04:18,again.

00:04:18,769 --> 00:04:21,You'd better get back in there and keep
an eye on him. He won't let me near him.

00:04:21,810 --> 00:04:23,He thinks I'm out there sitting bucks.

00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,Good heavens, has he g***t it in there
with him?

00:04:25,070 --> 00:04:28,He won't go anywhere without it. Well,
I'd leave it well alone, Gupta. He

00:04:28,210 --> 00:04:29,probably keeps his ferret in it.

00:04:31,710 --> 00:04:35,He's very difficult. Will he be with us
much longer? I don't think so. I can't

00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:38,find much that matters with him. I've
tested him for everything except hard

00:04:39,970 --> 00:04:41,I don't know why they've sent him to us.

00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:44,I think he's little bananas.

00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:49,No, not another. Why do they keep
sending him to us? We're not trained for

00:04:49,710 --> 00:04:50,sort of thing.

00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,Look at the jab we did last week.
Thought he was Edward VIII.

00:04:53,830 --> 00:04:57,He'd only been here five minutes before
he knighted three doctors and made

00:04:57,070 --> 00:04:58,matron and dame of the British Empire.

00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:03,I suppose we'll have to refer him to
psychiatric. They'll soon tell them he's

00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:04,Dottie.

00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:07,Ah, hello, Perkins.

00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,Settling in all right?

00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:09,Yes, thank you, Doctor.

00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,Nothing worrying you at all?

00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,Oh, no, no, Doctor.

00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:14,I know I'm in good hands.

00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,They speak very highly of you in the
parish.

00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,They say you have the gift.

00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,Oh, do they?

00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,Good.

00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,Well, better get back to bed, Perkins.
Don't want to overtax yourself.

00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,Yes, Doctor.

00:05:30,670 --> 00:05:32,He's fairly normal to me, Gupta.

00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:34,In fact, quite intelligent.

00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:36,Come on, my beauty.

00:05:36,690 --> 00:05:37,Come on.

00:05:47,550 --> 00:05:49,Now, Joe, enjoy your bath.

00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:51,D***n near scorned me.

00:05:51,670 --> 00:05:53,I don't hold with all this hot water.

00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:56,Fries up all the natural oils.

00:05:57,150 --> 00:05:58,I don't agree with it.

00:05:58,850 --> 00:05:59,Say, we've noticed.

00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:01,Um, Beckett.

00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:05,Um, perhaps you'd like to use some of my
body rub?

00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,No, thank you, Dover. It's very
refreshing after a hot bath. No, no.

00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,I don't want to smell like a tart.

00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:18,What are you talking about? It's a very
masculine cologne. It's called granite.

00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,I don't care what it's called.

00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:25,I don't want to be personal, Dover, but
ever since I come in here, I've noticed

00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,this smell.

00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,You smell of scent, lover.

00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,Sure makes me eyes water some nights.

00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,I see. I suppose you'd prefer a rubdown
with a damp hedgehog.

00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,I like a man to smell like a man.

00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:44,I'd stop using it if I were you. People
might get the wrong idea.

00:06:58,510 --> 00:06:59,G***t a good face, boy.

00:07:02,250 --> 00:07:08,Takes me back nigh on 50 years to that
night at Braden Fair.

00:07:09,210 --> 00:07:14,She were dancing for a yellow ribbon and
I were over for the...