Only When I Laugh s02e03 It Can Damage Your Health Subtitles

00:00:20,940 --> 00:00:23,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:28,060 --> 00:00:31,I know I **, I'm sure I **.

00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:35,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:35,500 --> 00:00:41,I know I **, I'm sure I **. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

00:00:51,370 --> 00:00:55,I want you to tell me something and I
want you to be absolutely honest.

00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,How old do you think I look?

00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,Absolutely honest? That's right. Forty
-five.

00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:03,Yes, well, there's no need to be that
honest.

00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:08,I normally pass for early thirties.
Yeah, in a darkened room with your back

00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:09,the window.

00:01:09,250 --> 00:01:12,But not in the harsh light of day,
Archie. Let's face it, you've aged.

00:01:12,770 --> 00:01:13,I know.

00:01:13,650 --> 00:01:18,These last weeks have certainly etched
in a few more lines, Roy. I mean, look

00:01:18,510 --> 00:01:20,the... Suffering in that face, it's a
tragedy.

00:01:20,710 --> 00:01:23,Oh, never mind, Archie, you may have
aged, but you still kept your looks.

00:01:23,570 --> 00:01:24,Do you think so?

00:01:24,370 --> 00:01:27,Yeah, a little worn round the edges, but
you still retain that sort of male

00:01:27,930 --> 00:01:29,beauty that can set the pulses racing.

00:01:30,230 --> 00:01:32,A little greyer, a little less air,
perhaps.

00:01:33,070 --> 00:01:35,A little less hair, my God, is it
beginning to show?

00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:37,Well, there were three more strands in
the comb this morning.

00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:41,Oh, it's so fine, such a silky texture.

00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,Do you have anything I can use to keep
it in, I guess?

00:01:45,650 --> 00:01:46,I've g***t a cigarette box.

00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:51,I'm talking about a remedy. After all,
you're supposed to be the medical expert

00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,round here. Well, there is one method
that's quite effective. Stand on your

00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:58,for half an hour each day. It gets the
blood from the follicles. It feeds the

00:01:58,500 --> 00:01:59,roots of the hair.

00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:00,Mind you, it gives you terrible
headaches.

00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,If I can hardly stand on my feet and you
expect me to stand on my head?

00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:05,Phil, I have to do something.

00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:08,Women won't look at a man with a
receding hairline.

00:02:09,539 --> 00:02:11,They say bee stings can be very
effective.

00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:14,Bee stings? Yes, it's a technique.

00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,Well, how do they get the bees to sting
you? Tap the eye and shove your head in

00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:19,it? Are they trained to dive on you one
by one?

00:02:19,830 --> 00:02:20,Of course not.

00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:24,They probably put one in a bottle, shake
it up until you get angry and stick it

00:02:24,590 --> 00:02:25,on your head.

00:02:25,410 --> 00:02:26,Sounds a bit drastic to me.

00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:31,Actually, there's only one sure way to
ensure a complete head of hair,

00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:32,speaking. What's that?

00:02:32,150 --> 00:02:33,Castration.

00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:37,Still, I suppose that defeats the object
of the exercise in your case.

00:02:38,270 --> 00:02:42,It's not funny, Figgy. What's all this
about, Archie? Has some bird turned you

00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:45,down again? Is that what it's all about?
No, of course not. It's just that...

00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:51,I want to put in for this job, and the
age limit is 35.

00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,Do you think I'll get away with it? I
don't see why not, as long as it doesn't

00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:55,involve humping things about.

00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:58,Humping things about?

00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:04,I'm a senior executive. I don't hump
things about, Figgis. No, this is a high

00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,-powered executive position.

00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,Not that I'm going to be very impressed
with a letter written from a hospital

00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:12,bed. You never know, they might be
impressed by your courage, your natural

00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,resilience, your Dunkirk spirit.

00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,It's a pity you look as sick as a dog.

00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:18,I know.

00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,I wish I felt better.

00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:23,I haven't felt really well for years.

00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:25,Age is a terrible thing, you know.

00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,I have a job getting my breath easy.

00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,You're not the only one, Archie. The
trouble is we're burned out.

00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,I only have to run upstairs and I'm
breathless. That's another thing that

00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,defeats the object of the exercise.

00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,You know what's happened, don't you?

00:03:39,140 --> 00:03:41,The lungs have gone, and do you know
why?

00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,Pollution. Too much lead in the
atmosphere. It's all this petrol

00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,Every time I drive that lorry down the
road, I can see the trees wilt.

00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:50,It's damage in the atmosphere.

00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,That and underarm sprays.

00:03:53,740 --> 00:03:57,We should do something about it. We
should join friends of the earth,

00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,before we end up in it. Yes, well,
before the world finally disintegrates,

00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,you mind if I get a decent job?

00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:03,Well, no, no, you put in for it.

00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:06,Norman, would you like a cigarette?

00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:08,Oh!

00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:14,Now then, I want you to tell me
something, and I want you to be

00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:15,honest.

00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:18,How old ** I?

00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:19,Why, can't you remember?

00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,I mean, how old do I look?

00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:28,Oh, I'm not very good at getting ages,
Archie. Oh, come on, have a go. I won't

00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:29,be offended.

00:04:30,380 --> 00:04:32,Um, 48?

00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,No, you're not very good, are you? In
fact, you're bloody awful.

00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,What's the matter with you?

00:04:41,020 --> 00:04:44,Well, you may not believe this, boy, but
before I came in here, I'd never smoked

00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:45,a cigarette.

00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:46,Mother never approved.

00:04:46,940 --> 00:04:49,Yeah, well, I sort of guessed that. You
see, the thing is, you don't burn

00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:52,evenly. You'll never do any good unless
you burn evenly, and you don't take it

00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:56,down. You can't enjoy a good cigarette
unless you take it down. I think I shall

00:04:56,260 --> 00:05:00,get a gold cigarette case, paper thin
and a lighter to match. I think that

00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,very sophisticated.

00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,There's more to smoking than a gold
cigarette case.

00:05:05,060 --> 00:05:07,The way you smoke a cigarette can be
very revealing.

00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,In what way? Well, they're smoking it
behind the back of the head. That's

00:05:11,860 --> 00:05:13,reminiscent of the prison yard.

00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:15,They're holding it in the fingers,
pufter style.

00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,Or they're flicking it about in a
nervous and agitated manner. Or simply

00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,it droop from the lower lip. You
normally get that in food shops.

00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:27,Now, the way a cigarette is smoked can
tell us a great deal about the person

00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,behind it.

00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,Oh, uh, Mr. Paul.

00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,Just a minute, Gupta. Did I hear a
voice?

00:05:34,510 --> 00:05:39,Do I detect a plan of life behind this
smoke -laden haze? Could I have a word,

00:05:39,310 --> 00:05:41,Doctor? Good heavens, it's Glover.

00:05:41,470 --> 00:05:44,Is all that smoke emanating from you, or
is the bed on fire?

00:05:45,990 --> 00:05:46,A little serious.

00:05:48,050 --> 00:05:51,I'm going to ask you something, and I
want you to be absolutely honest.

00:05:52,430 --> 00:05:53,How old do you think I look?

00:05:54,290 --> 00:05:56,It's very difficult to say, Glover. I
can barely see you.

00:05:57,490 --> 00:06:00,But don't worry, you won't be looking
much older, not with all this smoking.

00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:03,You do anything about this smoking?

00:06:03,770 --> 00:06:05,Yes, Mr. Topp. Good.

00:06:05,550 --> 00:06:06,I'm sending out for more ashtrays.

00:06:08,290 --> 00:06:12,More ashtrays? Good, but this is a
hospital, not a first -class smoker.

00:06:12,350 --> 00:06:13,trying to make them well, not finish
them off.

00:06:15,130 --> 00:06:16,Must have lungs like parchment.

00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:18,Shall I open a window?

00:06:18,950 --> 00:06:21,Yes, but do it slowly. We're in a
smokeless zone.

00:06:22,790 --> 00:06:24,Good Lord, even Norman.

00:06:24,890 --> 00:06:26,Norman, what on earth do you think
you're doing?

00:06:27,340 -->...