Nic smiesznego 1995 Subtitles

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00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,Second, again! All my life,
I've always been second!

00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:47,Even when I was first,
I felt second!

00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,D***n, will I be second
in the afterlife, too?

00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,I think I know him
from somewhere.

00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:19,But from where?
TV, maybe?

00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,Eh, you're joking!
But... yes! Me too!

00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,Wasn't he on TV?

00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,Wait! Remember those girls?
It was a teen beauty contest!

00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:33,Yeah, sure! That one had
such big t***s!

00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:38,I think he scored...

00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,What a story!
Are you sure?

00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,It could be.

00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,Sure! I think
that is the guy

00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,who made the movies
about those chicks!

00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,Jesus! A movie director!
He must have f***d a lot!

00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,You think he did all of them?

00:02:00,285 --> 00:02:02,- Hell yeah!
- No, really?

00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,- I'm sure he did!
- Lucky guy!

00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:08,Sure!

00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,So what's his name?
Adam Miauczynski.

00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:20,Look at his heels!
What's on them?

00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,Scars!

00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,He must have been
a happy guy!

00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,Happy?
Why do you think so?

00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:35,He must have rubbed
his feet out of joy!

00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,Yeah, you're right
he was a happy guy.

00:02:37,835 --> 00:02:39,Mmm, happy my a***s.

00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,Maybe we can make
him smile a little?

00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,Let's see.

00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,S***t, no way!
Look at his teeth.

00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,In front some of them look OK
but the others are all ruined.

00:02:55,435 --> 00:02:58,He must have brushed
them too much...

00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,Hey man look at his d***k!
It's black!

00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,Oh s***t,
a black d***k!

00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,How did that happen!?

00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,He probably f***d
so much it turned black.

00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,He lived well
I mean at least he had a life.

00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,All my life nothing funny
ever happened to me.

00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,Nothing FUNNY

00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:39,I was born at that dreaded time
of day just before dawn,

00:03:39,535 --> 00:03:41,a time I hate as much as
I hate twilight.

00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,And those stupid nurses left me alone
with my diapers wet.

00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,So I cried for hours
rubbing my heels against each other.

00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:53,That's how I g***t these scars.
I've had them ever since

00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:56,and they were no more useful
during communism than they are now.

00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:03,My parents always
argued with each other.

00:04:03,335 --> 00:04:06,They even argued
about my name.

00:04:06,335 --> 00:04:09,Adam, Adas.

00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:12,Michal.

00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,I'd prefer Michal

00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,- Adas, d***n it!
- I hate that name!

00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,A- das

00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:28,Stop arguing!

00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:30,Of course I didn't say that
when I was a baby

00:04:30,935 --> 00:04:33,but even then
something inside me screamed

00:04:33,335 --> 00:04:36,and kept on
screaming all my life.

00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,Oh, gross.

00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:10,I was the second kid
and my parents wanted a girl.

00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,My little girl,
my girl.

00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,Hi baby brother!

00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,My brother Miki used to hit me
on the back of my head,

00:05:47,935 --> 00:05:50,instead of saying hello.

00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:04,Hi baby brother.

00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,What!
Are you stupid?

00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:15,Because of my brother
I developed this nervous tick.

00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,My life is filled with
this kind of s***t.

00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:58,I studied film because
I wanted to be famous,

00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:02,have a beautiful car,
beautiful women, and lots of money!

00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:40,Look at my orange piece of junk.

00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:21,Oh god! When I think that
the best years of my life

00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,are passing me by in this
rattletrap piece of s***t!

00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:47,Oh sweet Jesus!
So what!

00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,Living like this until
sixty, and then what?

00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,And these holes in my teeth!
Unfilled!

00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,Didn't you get a
filling?

00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,She threw me out in
the middle of drilling!

00:11:10,735 --> 00:11:12,She threw you out?

00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,Yeah! The drill
kept getting stuck in my teeth!

00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,The doctor said my
teeth were too hard.

00:11:17,935 --> 00:11:19,What? Too hard?

00:11:19,802 --> 00:11:21,Yeah, my teeth!

00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,I have hard teeth too.
I think.

00:11:24,235 --> 00:11:26,She kept trying
different teeth

00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,one by one and the drill
kept stopping in each one!

00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,She said I should just leave
if I'm so stubborn!

00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,Don't go in there!

00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:52,Look Stefa, this d***n drill
won't work!

00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,I can't help you.

00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,I have to pull out his roots
with these pliers.

00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:17,I'm sorry, I'll just
have to leave it like that!

00:13:17,235 --> 00:13:19,You can see for yourself
that it won't work.

00:13:19,335 --> 00:13:22,Your teeth are
just too hard.

00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:30,But they shouldn't
hurt anymore.

00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,What are you doing?

00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,They were kind of long and
they stuck out, so I sawed them off.

00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,Are you out of your mind?
Weren't they healthy?

00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,Yes.

00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:50,You just sawed them off like
I'm some kind of rabbit?

00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,You have teeth like a wolf
and an overbite like a rabbit.

00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,One day your jaw would've
gotten stuck forever.

00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:07,How dare you talk to a rabbit,
uh I mean, to a patient like that?!

00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,What the hell
are you thinking?!

00:14:10,135 --> 00:14:13,OK, OK, just,
just go away!

00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,In the first movie
they threw me off the set

00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,because the director of
photography had diarrhea.

00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:23,Do you have a light?

00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,Thank you.

00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:32,We were making a movie about the war
and we lived in a little village.

00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,The DP had diarrhea,
the whole time.

00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:44,Right after he finished
his soup he'd run to the outhouse.

00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,Finally the munitions guy
found a way to cure him.

00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,I have an idea
how to stop his diarrhea.

00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,I think it's nerves.

00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,Nothing physiological,
just his nerves.

00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,He doesn't really have diarrhea
he just talks himself into it.

00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,He developed this silly reaction,
so we will generate

00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:50,a reverse reaction

00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:56,so he fears
his diarrhea.

00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:01,So every time he wants to go,
he associates it with something bad.

00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,We'll lift this a little and
prop it up on two springs.

00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,OK look, like this.

00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,We'll stick this small nail
in the top

00:16:44,535 --> 00:16:47,and put another nail
in the bottom.

00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,We'll wire them to a battery
and then to a detonator and explosives.

00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:55,Then we'll drop it all
here in the s***t.

00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:58,When the guy sits,
the nails will touch each other,

00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,the circuit will be complete
and all hell will break loose.

00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,The only thing is that you
have to eat your soup fast,

00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,so you can connect it all
before the director runs out here.

00:17:12,500 -->...