Nic smiesznego 1995 Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,200 Second, again! All my life, I've always been second! 3 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:47,100 Even when I was first, I felt second! 4 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,400 D***n, will I be second in the afterlife, too? 5 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,500 I think I know him from somewhere. 6 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:19,500 But from where? TV, maybe? 7 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,600 Eh, you're joking! But... yes! Me too! 8 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,965 Wasn't he on TV? 9 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,000 Wait! Remember those girls? It was a teen beauty contest! 10 00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:33,900 Yeah, sure! That one had such big t***s! 11 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:38,365 I think he scored... 12 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,400 What a story! Are you sure? 13 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,565 It could be. 14 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,565 Sure! I think that is the guy 15 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,600 who made the movies about those chicks! 16 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,800 Jesus! A movie director! He must have f***d a lot! 17 00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,250 You think he did all of them? 18 00:02:00,285 --> 00:02:02,565 - Hell yeah! - No, really? 19 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,600 - I'm sure he did! - Lucky guy! 20 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:08,700 Sure! 21 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,600 So what's his name? Adam Miauczynski. 22 00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:20,700 Look at his heels! What's on them? 23 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,465 Scars! 24 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,500 He must have been a happy guy! 25 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,200 Happy? Why do you think so? 26 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:35,100 He must have rubbed his feet out of joy! 27 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,800 Yeah, you're right he was a happy guy. 28 00:02:37,835 --> 00:02:39,965 Mmm, happy my a***s. 29 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,000 Maybe we can make him smile a little? 30 00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,365 Let's see. 31 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,400 S***t, no way! Look at his teeth. 32 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,400 In front some of them look OK but the others are all ruined. 33 00:02:55,435 --> 00:02:58,400 He must have brushed them too much... 34 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,000 Hey man look at his d***k! It's black! 35 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,700 Oh s***t, a black d***k! 36 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,965 How did that happen!? 37 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,000 He probably f***d so much it turned black. 38 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,500 He lived well I mean at least he had a life. 39 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,200 All my life nothing funny ever happened to me. 40 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,200 Nothing FUNNY 41 00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:39,500 I was born at that dreaded time of day just before dawn, 42 00:03:39,535 --> 00:03:41,665 a time I hate as much as I hate twilight. 43 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,700 And those stupid nurses left me alone with my diapers wet. 44 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,400 So I cried for hours rubbing my heels against each other. 45 00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:53,065 That's how I g***t these scars. I've had them ever since 46 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:56,100 and they were no more useful during communism than they are now. 47 00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:03,300 My parents always argued with each other. 48 00:04:03,335 --> 00:04:06,300 They even argued about my name. 49 00:04:06,335 --> 00:04:09,300 Adam, Adas. 50 00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:12,900 Michal. 51 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,965 I'd prefer Michal 52 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,000 - Adas, d***n it! - I hate that name! 53 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,000 A- das 54 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:28,465 Stop arguing! 55 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:30,900 Of course I didn't say that when I was a baby 56 00:04:30,935 --> 00:04:33,300 but even then something inside me screamed 57 00:04:33,335 --> 00:04:36,300 and kept on screaming all my life. 58 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,200 Oh, gross. 59 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:10,700 I was the second kid and my parents wanted a girl. 60 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,600 My little girl, my girl. 61 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,765 Hi baby brother! 62 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,900 My brother Miki used to hit me on the back of my head, 63 00:05:47,935 --> 00:05:50,900 instead of saying hello. 64 00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:04,700 Hi baby brother. 65 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,800 What! Are you stupid? 66 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:15,500 Because of my brother I developed this nervous tick. 67 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,400 My life is filled with this kind of s***t. 68 00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:58,700 I studied film because I wanted to be famous, 69 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:02,200 have a beautiful car, beautiful women, and lots of money! 70 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:40,500 Look at my orange piece of junk. 71 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:21,100 Oh god! When I think that the best years of my life 72 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,400 are passing me by in this rattletrap piece of s***t! 73 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:47,100 Oh sweet Jesus! So what! 74 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,200 Living like this until sixty, and then what? 75 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,400 And these holes in my teeth! Unfilled! 76 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,165 Didn't you get a filling? 77 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,700 She threw me out in the middle of drilling! 78 00:11:10,735 --> 00:11:12,765 She threw you out? 79 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,800 Yeah! The drill kept getting stuck in my teeth! 80 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,900 The doctor said my teeth were too hard. 81 00:11:17,935 --> 00:11:19,767 What? Too hard? 82 00:11:19,802 --> 00:11:21,565 Yeah, my teeth! 83 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,200 I have hard teeth too. I think. 84 00:11:24,235 --> 00:11:26,765 She kept trying different teeth 85 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,800 one by one and the drill kept stopping in each one! 86 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,200 She said I should just leave if I'm so stubborn! 87 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,000 Don't go in there! 88 00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:52,300 Look Stefa, this d***n drill won't work! 89 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,865 I can't help you. 90 00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,900 I have to pull out his roots with these pliers. 91 00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:17,200 I'm sorry, I'll just have to leave it like that! 92 00:13:17,235 --> 00:13:19,300 You can see for yourself that it won't work. 93 00:13:19,335 --> 00:13:22,300 Your teeth are just too hard. 94 00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:30,700 But they shouldn't hurt anymore. 95 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,165 What are you doing? 96 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,200 They were kind of long and they stuck out, so I sawed them off. 97 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,600 Are you out of your mind? Weren't they healthy? 98 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,465 Yes. 99 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:50,500 You just sawed them off like I'm some kind of rabbit? 100 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,300 You have teeth like a wolf and an overbite like a rabbit. 101 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,200 One day your jaw would've gotten stuck forever. 102 00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:07,300 How dare you talk to a rabbit, uh I mean, to a patient like that?! 103 00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,100 What the hell are you thinking?! 104 00:14:10,135 --> 00:14:13,100 OK, OK, just, just go away! 105 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,465 In the first movie they threw me off the set 106 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,900 because the director of photography had diarrhea. 107 00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:23,900 Do you have a light? 108 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,265 Thank you. 109 00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:32,300 We were making a movie about the war and we lived in a little village. 110 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,600 The DP had diarrhea, the whole time. 111 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:44,500 Right after he finished his soup he'd run to the outhouse. 112 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,400 Finally the munitions guy found a way to cure him. 113 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000 I have an idea how to stop his diarrhea. 114 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,400 I think it's nerves. 115 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,800 Nothing physiological, just his nerves. 116 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,200 He doesn't really have diarrhea he just talks himself into it. 117 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,800 He developed this silly reaction, so we will generate 118 00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:50,300 a reverse reaction 119 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:56,900 so he fears his diarrhea. 120 00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:01,100 So every time he wants to go, he associates it with something bad. 121 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,700 We'll lift this a little and prop it up on two springs. 122 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,665 OK look, like this. 123 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,500 We'll stick this small nail in the top 124 00:16:44,535 --> 00:16:47,265 and put another nail in the bottom. 125 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,300 We'll wire them to a battery and then to a detonator and explosives. 126 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:55,465 Then we'll drop it all here in the s***t. 127 00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:58,500 When the guy sits, the nails will touch each other, 128 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,500 the circuit will be complete and all hell will break loose. 129 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,800 The only thing is that you have to eat your soup fast, 130 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,900 so you can connect it all before the director runs out here. 131 00:17:12,500 -->...