Everybody.Hates.Chris.S02E20.WEBRip.x265-ION265.en Subtitles

00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,Everybody Hates Chris #"Everybody Hates Dirty
Jokes" CLOSED CAPTIONED

00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,CHRIS ROCK:
Ever since I was a kid,
I always loved comedy.

00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,I loved cartoons.

00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,(meowing)

00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,I loved sitcoms.

00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,Sunday's supposed to be my day
of rest, you know.

00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:16,But most of all,
I loved stand-up comedians.

00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,Michael Jackson kept his
sunglasses on.

00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,He had to-- Cyndi Lauper
kept shining in his eyes.

00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,(laughing)

00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,All right, y'all,
time to go to bed.

00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,Ma, can I stay up
and watch 'til the end?

00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,It's almost over.

00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,All right.

00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,Drew and Tonya, go.

00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,Good night.

00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,And Prince didn't show up.

00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,He doesn't like to go anywhere

00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,where the cast
outnumbers his bodyguard.

00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:44,What I didn't know was that my
parents loved comedians, too.

00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,REDD FOXX (on record player):
You knew it in your heart,
you haven't washed your hair.

00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,* Express yourself

00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,(laughter)

00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,(laughter)

00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,FOXX:
So one night,
the time was right,

00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,he asked her, he said,
"Honey, would you marry me?"

00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,She said "wooden eye?"

00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,I can't say what he just,

00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,but it was the first dirty joke
I had ever heard.

00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,"Geez, baby, what time
do you have to be home?"

00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,And it wasn't the last.

00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,She said "Christmas..."

00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,A lot of kids would get
in trouble sneaking out of bed

00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,trying to listen
to dirty jokes.

00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,I ended up getting a career.

00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:25,Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,CHRIS ROCK:
I risked a beating

00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,trying to hear one side
of that Redd Foxx album.

00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,Now I was risking my life
trying to hear the other side.

00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,Now, I know it was wrong
to sneak behind my parents back

00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:12,and listen to dirty records,

00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,but if listening to dirty
records was wrong,

00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:15,I don't wanna do right.

00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,REDD FOXX:
When I was a kid,
during the depression...

00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,I mean we were poor.

00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:23,When Christmas time came,
if I hadn't been a boy

00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,I wouldn't have had nothing
to play with.

00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,I found out one thing in life,

00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,if you want people to laugh,
tell 'em a joke.

00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,Now, if you want them
to really laugh,

00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:33,tell 'em a dirty joke.

00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,Okay, and there was
one black sheep,

00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,and the chief said,

00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,"Okay, you don't tell on
me, I won't tell on you."

00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,(laughs)

00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:46,All right, stop it, man, come
on, I can't take another one.

00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,No, no, no, no, wait,
I've g***t one more.

00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,Hold on.
No, no.

00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,I can't take it.

00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:51,Who is that?

00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,Redd Foxx.
From Sanford and Son?

00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,He's a comedian?

00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,Yeah, you big dummy!

00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,Yeah, I didn't know it either.

00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,My parents have like a bunch
of his albums.

00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,And they let you
listen to that?

00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:01,Not really.

00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,Still won't!

00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,JOEY:
Hey, Buckwheat.

00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,Alfalfa. What's so funny?

00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,Uh, I was just telling
a stupid joke.

00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,Tell me.

00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,Nah, you wouldn't
really like it.

00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,Yeah, you won't like me smashing
your face in a locker.

00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:14,Now, tell me the joke.

00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,It's funny. Tell him.

00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,Okay.

00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,There's a missionary who went
to an African village...

00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,If you can make your worst
enemy laugh with a joke,

00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,that's a funny joke.

00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:25,...and there was
one black sheep.

00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,And the chief said,

00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,"Okay, you don't tell on me,

00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,I won't tell on you."

00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,(laughing):
That's real funny, Flip.

00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,Hey, guys,

00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,For the first time,
come here.

00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,I realized a good joke can stop

00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,a beat down.

00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:39,Too bad Reginald Denny
didn't know any jokes.

00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,All right,
so there's a missionary

00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:42,who lived in
an African village...

00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,(Maxine humming)

00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,Momma, what you
doing in here?

00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,I thought you might
need a hand with dinner.

00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,Since my grandfather
passed away

00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,my grandmother had a lot
of free time on her hands,

00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,and she was giving it
to my mother.

00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,(clears throat)

00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,Baby, that's not
the way to do that.

00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,But I do it this way
all the time.

00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,Yeah, but the way
you do it is wrong.

00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,Go ahead sit down,
I'll do it.

00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,Go ahead, I'll do it.

00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,The only thing
my mother hated worse

00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,than no help
was help from my grandmother.

00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,Okay.

00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,Dinner is served.

00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,Ooh, um...

00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,I can't eat this.

00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:22,My gout will flair up.

00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,Oh, don't worry.

00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,That's oven-fried chicken.

00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,I used skim milk
in your macaroni,

00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,that's a baked
potato and salad.

00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,So, you go ahead, eat up,
you'll be just fine.

00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,Wow, Momma never did
all that stuff.

00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:35,Shh!

00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,Where's Momma anyway?

00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:40,Hey, baby,

00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,you wanna sit down and
have something to eat?

00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,Mm, I'm fine.

00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,Grandma made oven-fried chicken.

00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,Oh, really?

00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,That's nice.

00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,Well, I'm gonna finish
the laundry.

00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:51,It's finished.

00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:52,Then I'll go
straighten up

00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:53,the kids' room.

00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,Oh, they're
straightened.

00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,Uh-oh.

00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,Then I guess I'll go do my toes.

00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:59,They're done.

00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,ROCHELLE:
When did you do my toes?

00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,MAXINE:
While you were asleep.

00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,I didn't want to wake you.

00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,That look means,

00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,"If you do something else,
you're finished."

00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,Here comes your
girlfriend, Drew.

00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:14,Girlfriend?

00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:15,I don't like her.

00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,Well, she likes you.

00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:20,And she's going around telling
everybody that you kissed her.

00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,Wait, Tonya...

00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,Just about every girl
in the neighborhood liked Drew,

00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:27,and Chantal was just about
the only girl Drew didn't like.

00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:28,Hey, Drew.

00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:29,What you doing?
Uh, nothing.

00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,I was just about to go
back in the house.

00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,Oh... you coming
back out?

00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,Ah, I don't think so.

00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,Oh, you gonna be out
tomorrow after school?

00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,I don't know.
I may have to...