Birds of a Feather s04e02 Food For Thought Subtitles

00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:06,What will I do when you are gone?

00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:39,Juice of half a lemon.

00:00:40,580 --> 00:00:41,Juice of half a lemon?

00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,Go off.

00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:54,This is my cheesesteak, ain't it? What
are you doing here?

00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:55,Making tea.

00:00:55,460 --> 00:00:57,Honestly, Mum, you can slice custard
with this knife.

00:00:57,920 --> 00:00:58,You didn't go, did you?

00:00:59,160 --> 00:00:59,I went.

00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:03,Look, I have been a nervous wreck all
day about your job interview, so you

00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:04,didn't go. I went.

00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:06,I pulled the receptionist if you need a
witness.

00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,Here. Ask for Sally.

00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:09,You know how come you're back so early?

00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,Couldn't wait to tell your mum you're a
bloody merchant banker.

00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:16,I'm back early because it only takes ten
seconds to say, stuff your job.

00:01:16,860 --> 00:01:17,Oh, God, why?

00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:20,Your dad would be over the moon if he
was working in the city.

00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:23,Yeah, bit of an expert on bank jobs,
isn't he?

00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,Mum, you know why.

00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:30,I don't want to work in the city because
I want to be a chef, like I've been

00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:33,telling you for weeks. Like you wanted
to be a train driver and a freedom

00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,fighter and a Milky Bar kid. I mean it
this time.

00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:39,Only this time I want to do this
catering course in Nottingham.

00:01:40,070 --> 00:01:42,But for some reason I keep finding the
prospectus in the bin.

00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:45,Oh, chuck it away, will you, love? It
smells of old fee bags.

00:01:47,410 --> 00:01:49,Oh, flipping train.

00:01:49,990 --> 00:01:52,I'd have stood all the way home if I
hadn't stuffed these tea towels up me

00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:53,jumper.

00:01:57,110 --> 00:01:58,What is it?

00:01:58,670 --> 00:02:00,Chris done a runner and he's hiding in
the tool shed.

00:02:01,350 --> 00:02:03,Garth didn't get the job. Garth didn't
want the job.

00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:06,I told them I'd rather scrub out the
elephant house with a toothbrush.

00:02:08,530 --> 00:02:13,They learn such lovely manners at public
school, eh, Trace? And they learn to be

00:02:13,110 --> 00:02:15,lawyers and bankers and captains of
industry.

00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:17,I bet all your mates are getting a
decent job.

00:02:18,350 --> 00:02:19,Let's see.

00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:23,Jake's selling timeshares, Charlie's
organising raves, and Adam's scrambling

00:02:23,750 --> 00:02:24,his stepmother.

00:02:24,910 --> 00:02:25,Where's the cheese grater?

00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:28,Upstairs. I was using it on my feet.

00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:34,You know about food. He's out to eat it.

00:02:35,550 --> 00:02:39,Stuff his neck is perhaps a more
accurate description, Trace. I never get

00:02:39,970 --> 00:02:41,cook round here because you won't let
me.

00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:44,But I'm famous for my couscous in the
common room.

00:02:45,010 --> 00:02:46,Give us a couscous.

00:02:47,230 --> 00:02:50,Making a snack for one of your mates is
a bit different to cooking coq au vin

00:02:50,310 --> 00:02:51,for 50.

00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:53,Yeah, that's true. You could clean up on
the coq au vin.

00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:55,Say, 12 pounds times 50.

00:02:56,330 --> 00:02:57,That's 600 quid.

00:02:58,430 --> 00:03:00,Well, you can't fault his math, Trace.

00:03:00,899 --> 00:03:03,Well, why don't I ask Audrey, son, if
there's any openings in insurance?

00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,Insurance?

00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,Blokes who wear anoraks over their suits
sell insurance.

00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,Well, I ain't having my son cooking for
a living. It ain't natural.

00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,And you can stop chopping them veg. I've
g***t chicken tikka and flattened

00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:16,strawberry cheesecake to celebrate your
job interview.

00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:20,Fine. But first thing in the morning,
I'm getting a job off Ronald McDonald.

00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:21,You can't stop me.

00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:22,I wouldn't have to.

00:03:22,860 --> 00:03:24,It wouldn't last ten minutes.

00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,I bet you I would. I bet you you
wouldn't. I would, Mum. You would not,

00:03:27,260 --> 00:03:31,would. You wouldn't. I would. You would
not. Mum. Listen to yourself, Trace.

00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:32,Well, he wouldn't. I would.

00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:33,He wouldn't. Knock.

00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:36,Give the lad a chance, eh?

00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,You didn't reckon I could make a go of
the calf and I've done okay, had I?

00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:41,Well, you have him then.

00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,You what? You have him.

00:03:43,260 --> 00:03:45,I bet he wouldn't last a week working in
your calf.

00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:46,Make it a month.

00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:47,All right.

00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,And if I do, I can go to catering
college.

00:03:50,459 --> 00:03:51,OK, you're on.

00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,Excuse me, do I get any say in this?

00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,I'll start tomorrow then, aren't you,
Sharon?

00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:01,Look, Garth, it's a greasy spoon.

00:04:01,460 --> 00:04:04,We don't garnish our egg and chips with
kiwi fruit.

00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:05,Neither do I.

00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:08,My style is far less pretentious.

00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:13,You make sure his first job is cleaning
out them labs.

00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,Right.

00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:20,So, eh?

00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:27,Seven's a 56, plus 150, minus, let's
say,
00:04:27,140 --> 00:04:28,% discount.

00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:29,Oh, I've done that already.

00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:32,What was that number I asked you to
remember?

00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,84.

00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,No, 48.

00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,No, no, it was 24.

00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,Yeah, whatever.

00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:43,I don't think I'm going to see much
change out of a grand if I want to get

00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,bogs past the elf inspectors and replace
the extractor fan.

00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,Look, I've g***t to mend it.

00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:53,No. Mind you, he did scrape off enough
dead flies to start a Gary Baldy

00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:58,And he cleaned out the tea urn without
being asked.

00:04:58,940 --> 00:05:00,I'm letting him do the lunches tomorrow.

00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,You're encouraging him, aren't you?

00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,Tracey, I don't have to encourage him.

00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,He makes Keith Floyd look half -hearted.

00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:15,Mind you, on second thoughts, why let
him become a chef when he could be a ram

00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:18,raider? Or flog ecstasy or mug old lady.

00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,But what's my Daryl going to say when I
tell him his son wants to be the next

00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,Fanny Craddock?

00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:27,Daryl will approve, I'm telling you.

00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:32,What's charging 20 quid for three mange
toots and a quail's egg if it ain't

00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:33,daylight robbery?

00:05:33,740 --> 00:05:37,Daryl, I want to work with you. Oh,
quick, Trace. Tell her I've been taken

00:05:37,660 --> 00:05:39,hostage by Shiite militia.

00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:45,I have never been so embarrassed in all
my life.

00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,Yes, you have, doll.

00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:51,What about that time you touched your
Bruce Oldfield into your knickers at

00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:52,Escort?

00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,Don't you ever think before you speak?

00:05:56,860 --> 00:05:57,No.

00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,Well, what did she do?

00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:07,She only ruined a very special evening,
publicly humiliated me and threatened

00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:08,the stability of my marriage.

00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,Well, your marriage is stable. I'm the
Princess of Wales.

00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,It was just a bit of fun.

00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:16,Oh, what do you do for an encore?

00:06:16,980 --> 00:06:19,Tell people about my nose job? Not that
I've had one.

00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:22,Will someone please tell me what she
did?

00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:23,Well, go on, Sharon.

00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,You stuck the knife in. Why not twist it
a little?

00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,Dore was in the wine bar last night.

00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,Sitting in one of them booths where she
goes where she wants to check the

00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,washing instructions on some new fella's
wife front.

00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:39,Sometimes I take them to Luigi's.

00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:42,I do not have to justify my behaviour to
you.

00:06:43,810 --> 00:06:46,Anyway, I was in there and all,
celebrating.

00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:51,Celebrating, oh,...