Birds of a Feather s02e05 Keep Off The Grass Subtitles

00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:08,What will I do when you are far away

00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:12,and I ** blue?

00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:18,What will I do when I'm alone

00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:24,with only dreams of you

00:00:24,340 --> 00:00:28,that won't come true?

00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:49,Used morning and night, this moisture
-rich, specially formulated cream will

00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:53,enhance your skin's natural luster and
delay the aging process.

00:00:54,290 --> 00:00:56,You don't believe this cobbler, see?

00:00:57,130 --> 00:00:59,29 quid that cost me.

00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,Yes, you can't delay the ageing process.

00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,Look at Bruce Forsyth.

00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:07,Well, what about that mate of Dorian's,
then? If I look like her when I'm 45,

00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:11,I'll be well pleased. Yeah, she's had so
many facelifts, she'll have a beard

00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,soon.

00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,Look, you might not give a monkey what
you look like when the boys get out of

00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:16,prison, but I do.

00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:19,You can't make time staying still.

00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:23,Wrinkles and bags under your eyes are
God's way of telling you you're

00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:25,Bags? What bags?

00:01:27,150 --> 00:01:28,Oh, talking of bags, there she is. Stop.

00:01:31,230 --> 00:01:34,I'm not late, ** I? Well, put it this
way. We've ordered you a clam and

00:01:35,790 --> 00:01:37,Well, I'm sorry. It's been a bit of a
morning.

00:01:38,330 --> 00:01:41,Luke's been letting you play with his
ceramic hob again, has he?

00:01:41,790 --> 00:01:44,I have been to Lundquist Kitchen, as it
happens.

00:01:44,870 --> 00:01:46,And I've brought you some new brochures.

00:01:46,930 --> 00:01:50,Oh, thanks, Dorian. I'll put them with
the 97 others you've given me this week.

00:01:51,030 --> 00:01:53,Well, I'm sure you'll want a press start
when Chris is out of prison.

00:01:54,430 --> 00:01:55,I'd rather have a fresh husband.

00:01:56,810 --> 00:02:01,Michael Douglas would be due to be
getting on with. The way I see it, dear,

00:02:01,010 --> 00:02:03,way to a man's heart is through his
stomach.

00:02:03,650 --> 00:02:05,Must be why Marcus has a peptic ulcer.

00:02:06,970 --> 00:02:09,What's wrong with that, Dorian? I'm
sorry?

00:02:09,550 --> 00:02:12,Why the sudden obsession with kitchens?
Apart from the fact that your Luke flogs

00:02:12,990 --> 00:02:14,them for a living. Well, that's just it.

00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:16,He doesn't.

00:02:16,630 --> 00:02:17,I mean, he isn't.

00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:20,There's been a slump in sales.

00:02:20,970 --> 00:02:22,In fact... They've dropped off
completely.

00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,I didn't say a word.

00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:29,It hasn't sold more than a mud tree for
weeks now.

00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:31,I mean, what is wrong with people?

00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,Don't they recognise fine British
craftsmanship when they see it?

00:02:36,060 --> 00:02:37,Lundquist. British.

00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:39,It's jack crap, isn't it?

00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,Perhaps they're too busy wasting their
money on silly and important little

00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:47,things like interest rises and poll tax
bills and stuff.

00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,Not in Chigwell, Tracy. We have
accountants for that.

00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:52,So what's the problem, then?

00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:57,If Luke doesn't sell a kitchen soon,
they are threatening to shut the shop

00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,transfer him to a branch up north.

00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,Oh, goodbye, Luke.

00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,And goodbye, rumpy -pumpy behind the
scrubbed -out corner units.

00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,Couldn't you see it in your heart to buy
a kitten, Tracy? Yours is at least

00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:11,three years old.

00:03:12,020 --> 00:03:15,No, I couldn't. Me and Daryl chose it
together. He'd be glad if he came home

00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:16,find different cabinets.

00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,Look, think of it this way. You'd be
bringing your home into the 21st century

00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,and you'd be saving my marriage.

00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:24,Saving your marriage?

00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:26,We've g***t more chance of saving the
Brazilian rainforest.

00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,Don't you see? Luke makes my marriage
last.

00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:34,He takes the pressure off poor Marcus by
satisfying my essential need.

00:03:35,630 --> 00:03:37,He performs a vital role.

00:03:38,290 --> 00:03:40,How do you do it, Dorian?

00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:42,Her agent, she wants diagrams.

00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:46,I'm sorry, Dorian, you'll have to find
someone else. I don't want a new

00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:49,Oh, well, the best laid planned.

00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:51,Or the best planned lay.

00:03:52,510 --> 00:03:54,You could always try and find yourself a
new fella.

00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:57,In case Lundquist do give Luke the old
evo.

00:03:58,710 --> 00:04:00,Anything here take your fancy?

00:04:00,650 --> 00:04:01,Sharon, I couldn't.

00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:05,Luke is a very warm, giving person. He
means the world to me.

00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,Nice bum on that one.

00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,What about him over there, look?

00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,Oh, that one up there, look. Oh, he's
nice.

00:04:20,019 --> 00:04:23,Sharon, please. The man with the face
like a pizza I can do without.

00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:26,Sharon, who does he remind you of?

00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:28,Jason Donovan.

00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:29,Vinny Hutchins.

00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,That piece of scum.

00:04:32,780 --> 00:04:33,No, it can't be.

00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,He's doing a five -stretch in medicine
with Chris and Daryl, isn't he? I heard

00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:38,he was there.

00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,Can't have been for good behaviour.

00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,Another graduate of the Nicholas Ridley
Charm School.

00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:46,Anyway, this is all purely academic.

00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:48,Luke's the one that I want.

00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,Ooh, ooh, ooh!

00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:04,I envy Dorian.

00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:09,What? Her energy, her passion, the way
she knows what she wants and she goes

00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:13,it. No, the way she can blow 60 quid on
make -up without batting a false

00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:14,eyelash.

00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:17,And that flash motor of hers.

00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,Yeah, nice little motor, innit?

00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:21,And Luke.

00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:25,If I found him in my bed, I'd give him
24 hours to get out.

00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:37,Bloody hell.

00:05:38,180 --> 00:05:39,Are you acting?

00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:41,You are as you ask.

00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,Wait for the standard, you said.

00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:48,See what he's done, you said.

00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:50,Well, we did, and we have. So now what?

00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,So now chuck us over another gypsy
cream, will you?

00:05:56,140 --> 00:06:01,Pensioner Edna Phillips, 72, is still
recovering from shock after the Scarface

00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:04,Raider thrust a sawn -off shotgun into
her stomach.

00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:06,And all you can think about is gypsy
cream.

00:06:07,290 --> 00:06:08,Cheryl, you've g***t to face facts.

00:06:09,170 --> 00:06:11,Vinnie Hutchins pulled a job today and
we're witnesses.

00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:13,We've g***t to turn him in.

00:06:13,370 --> 00:06:16,It says here the raider wore an Arsenal
bobble hat.

00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,Yeah.

00:06:18,530 --> 00:06:20,Well, Vinnie supports Spurs, doesn't he?

00:06:21,850 --> 00:06:23,This is serious. He had a shooter.

00:06:24,450 --> 00:06:27,Look, Chris and Daryl didn't exactly go
to work with water pistols in their

00:06:27,730 --> 00:06:30,pocket, you know. What are you getting
at? My Daryl's shotgun weren't even

00:06:30,670 --> 00:06:35,loaded. Oh, well, that must have been a
huge... comfort to the poor beggars who

00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:36,had it stuck in their stomachs.

00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,The point is, Tracy Stubbs, you don't
grasp on your own.

00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:41,What do you mean, your own?

00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:44,Oh, don't be so stupid, Trace.

00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,How do you think Daryl paid for this
little lot, eh?

00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:48,SO tokens.

00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:53,How dare you compare my Daryl to that
slimebag Vinnie Hutchins?

00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:58,Sorry, your Daryl was the Roger Moore of
the sawn -off shotgun, was he?

00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,It don't matter.

00:07:01,710 --> 00:07:03,You know what your Daryl's going
through.

00:07:04,470 --> 00:07:07,Banged up for years in that Victorian
car, see?

00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:12,No exercise, crap food, having to do his
business in a bucket with that nasty

00:07:12,870 --> 00:07:14,bug roll that slides off your bum.

00:07:16,410 -->...