family_matters_s04e05_number_one_with_a_bullet Subtitles
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00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,Warner Brothers Domestic Television
Distribution.
00:00:08,860 --> 00:00:12,Well, you know, I hate to say this, but
I'm a whoop you ladies bad.
00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:16,Hearts is a game of strategy and skill.
00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:19,Qualities that I happen to be blessed
with.
00:00:49,740 --> 00:00:51,We're having a relaxing game of hearts.
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,Well, you can't be too relaxed. You have
a queen of spades.
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:58,Oops.
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,Oops, I'm sorry. I probably should have
said that. Oh.
00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:05,What's wrong, Steve?
00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:08,Well, wait a minute. I've been having a
little pain in my tum tum.
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,Maybe your shorts are pulled up too
high.
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,Care to trip the light fantastic with me
at the school soccer?
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,No, thanks.
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,Jump in the house, fat woman.
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:35,I've asked you out over 900 times, and
you have said no every time.
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:36,Well, it's important to be consistent.
00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:41,Angel, why? Even an ergo can only take
so much rejection.
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:47,If you turn me down again, I will surely
die.
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:54,It's a rare condition this day and age
to read any good news on the newspaper
00:02:54,050 --> 00:03:00,page. And love and tradition of the
grand design, some people say it's even
00:03:00,230 --> 00:03:01,harder to find.
00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:55,Oh,
00:03:56,290 --> 00:03:59,you love me. You really love me.
00:04:02,110 --> 00:04:04,You just missed my mom and dad.
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,Oh, did they go down to the cafeteria?
00:04:06,750 --> 00:04:09,Oh, no. They didn't want to miss their
first couples without children meeting.
00:04:13,370 --> 00:04:14,Here, Steve.
00:04:14,350 --> 00:04:15,I thought these would cheer you up.
00:04:16,209 --> 00:04:19,And I wanted to get such a beautiful
bouquet of flowers.
00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:21,The room next door. The guy just
croaked.
00:04:34,830 --> 00:04:35,Mario Funziano.
00:04:36,850 --> 00:04:37,Didn't he just croak?
00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:42,Yeah, now his flowers are cheering me
up.
00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:47,Give it to me straight, Doc.
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:50,I'm a man. I can take it.
00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:52,You g***t appendicitis.
00:04:53,090 --> 00:04:58,You better get some rest, because in a
couple of hours, I'm going to take that
00:04:58,030 --> 00:04:59,appendix out.
00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:01,Oh, I see.
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,and I don't foresee any problems at all.
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:11,Well, thanks, Doc. And I have every
confidence in you and your abilities.
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,Call 125 West.
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,Ah, don't worry, Steve.
00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:25,You'll be back buggered up in no time.
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:27,One can only hope.
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,Now, if you'll excuse me, loved ones,
I'd like to speak to Laura alone.
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,Now I know you're all reluctant to leave
at all.
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:05,I have a tennis court with miracles.
00:06:08,670 --> 00:06:11,Honeybunch, I may not make it through
this medical ordeal.
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,Would you please give me something to
remember you by?
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:17,Like what?
00:06:17,570 --> 00:06:21,Marry me. No. We can take it. No. We're
going steady. No. A date. No. A kiss. On
00:06:21,690 --> 00:06:23,the hand. On the lips. The forehead.
00:06:23,370 --> 00:06:24,Deal.
00:07:35,690 --> 00:07:37,Your kidney came out clean as a whistle.
00:07:39,070 --> 00:07:40,Kidney?
00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:43,Oh, you were funning me.
00:07:44,870 --> 00:07:45,Well,
00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:50,we better get going, Steve. It's getting
late and you need your rest.
00:07:51,150 --> 00:07:52,Oh, you...
00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:31,Doctor said that Steve can't come home
for three days.
00:08:32,169 --> 00:08:34,That's 72 hours.
00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:36,Three days, Urkel, free.
00:08:37,490 --> 00:08:41,They'll be the three happiest days of my
life.
00:08:52,410 --> 00:08:53,Well,
00:08:53,730 --> 00:08:57,Charlene, what's going on? You've g***t a
roommate. A man g***t shot in the rear
00:08:57,550 --> 00:08:58,end.
00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:01,Lordy, a bullet in my butt.
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:53,Okay, on three. One, two, oh, three.
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:54,Ow!
00:09:58,260 --> 00:10:01,Okay, plan B. Let's slide him off with
the sheet.
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,One, two, three.
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:16,Officer, we're going to have to roll you
onto the bed. Oh, all right, all right,
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,just hurry up.
00:10:18,890 --> 00:10:19,All right, easy, easy.
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,Oh, thank you. Thank you. Just use your
call button if you need me. Thank you.
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,Thank you.
00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:02,You're very nice. Thank you.
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,Tell me what happened. Did you sit on
your gun again?
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:13,No, I didn't.
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,I surprised a couple of slimeballs
trying to break into a jewelry store.
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:18,Well, did they get away?
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:19,Well, one of them did.
00:11:20,420 --> 00:11:23,But I threw a tackle on the other one
and held them down with my one good
00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:24,until help arrived.
00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:33,I'm okay. Don't worry. I'm all right.
Oh, Carl.
00:11:33,530 --> 00:11:35,He'll be, uh, he'll be fine, Rachel.
00:11:37,970 --> 00:11:39,I'll see to it.
00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:43,Why is your arm around me?
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:49,Well, you're emotionally vulnerable
right now, so I thought I'd make a move
00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:50,you.
00:11:52,090 --> 00:11:53,You're lucky.
00:11:53,950 --> 00:11:54,I **?
00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:58,Yeah. You won't have to go far for
medical treatment.
00:12:06,410 --> 00:12:08,one of those chicks that won't loosen up
without booze.
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:53,I g***t shot in the butt, not in the head.
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:57,Fire it on over here, big guy.
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:10,Look at my life.
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:15,I g***t this pain in the butt, and I've
g***t that pain in the butt.
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,How could it get any worse?
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,do this to me.
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:47,I've just had a major operation.
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:51,Yes, you did. And you think you've
learned to turn the other cheek.
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:53,I
00:14:53,860 --> 00:15:11,made
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:13,it. I'm so glad.
00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:19,Alfred? What the heck is that?
00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:21,My appendix.
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:29,Well,
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:30,what are you trying to do?
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:33,I'm trying to lower the back so I can
get some sleep.
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,I don't know which button it is.
00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:39,Oh, I do. Let me try. No, that's all
right. Let me try. Let me try.
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:50,What are you trying to do, kill me?
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,Well, of course not. How could you even
ask such a thing?
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,You know, you're not a very patient
patient.
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:57,All right, that is it, Steve.
00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:01,I've had it with you. Now you go back to
your bed and shut up.
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,What? You heard me. I have g***t to get
some sleep.
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:09,So that means no more helping me with my
bed, no more pickle body parts, and no
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,more musical tributes to my...
00:16:19,050 --> 00:16:20,the way you feel.
00:16:20,710 --> 00:16:22,I'll just leave you alone.
00:16:22,770 --> 00:16:23,Well, good.
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,Come on, Alfred.
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:26,Alfred.
00:16:37,270 --> 00:16:38,Officer Winslow? Yeah.
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:40,I'm Dr. Jenkins.
00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:43,Where's Mr.
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:46,Funziano? Dead.
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:49,the food killed him.
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,How do you feel?
00:16:53,010 --> 00:16:55,Well, to be perfectly honest, Doc, I've
had better days.
00:16:56,130 --> 00:16:57,Well, you just need some rest.
135...
Distribution.
00:00:08,860 --> 00:00:12,Well, you know, I hate to say this, but
I'm a whoop you ladies bad.
00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:16,Hearts is a game of strategy and skill.
00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:19,Qualities that I happen to be blessed
with.
00:00:49,740 --> 00:00:51,We're having a relaxing game of hearts.
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,Well, you can't be too relaxed. You have
a queen of spades.
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:58,Oops.
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,Oops, I'm sorry. I probably should have
said that. Oh.
00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:05,What's wrong, Steve?
00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:08,Well, wait a minute. I've been having a
little pain in my tum tum.
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,Maybe your shorts are pulled up too
high.
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,Care to trip the light fantastic with me
at the school soccer?
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,No, thanks.
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,Jump in the house, fat woman.
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:35,I've asked you out over 900 times, and
you have said no every time.
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:36,Well, it's important to be consistent.
00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:41,Angel, why? Even an ergo can only take
so much rejection.
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:47,If you turn me down again, I will surely
die.
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:54,It's a rare condition this day and age
to read any good news on the newspaper
00:02:54,050 --> 00:03:00,page. And love and tradition of the
grand design, some people say it's even
00:03:00,230 --> 00:03:01,harder to find.
00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:55,Oh,
00:03:56,290 --> 00:03:59,you love me. You really love me.
00:04:02,110 --> 00:04:04,You just missed my mom and dad.
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,Oh, did they go down to the cafeteria?
00:04:06,750 --> 00:04:09,Oh, no. They didn't want to miss their
first couples without children meeting.
00:04:13,370 --> 00:04:14,Here, Steve.
00:04:14,350 --> 00:04:15,I thought these would cheer you up.
00:04:16,209 --> 00:04:19,And I wanted to get such a beautiful
bouquet of flowers.
00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:21,The room next door. The guy just
croaked.
00:04:34,830 --> 00:04:35,Mario Funziano.
00:04:36,850 --> 00:04:37,Didn't he just croak?
00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:42,Yeah, now his flowers are cheering me
up.
00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:47,Give it to me straight, Doc.
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:50,I'm a man. I can take it.
00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:52,You g***t appendicitis.
00:04:53,090 --> 00:04:58,You better get some rest, because in a
couple of hours, I'm going to take that
00:04:58,030 --> 00:04:59,appendix out.
00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:01,Oh, I see.
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,and I don't foresee any problems at all.
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:11,Well, thanks, Doc. And I have every
confidence in you and your abilities.
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,Call 125 West.
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,Ah, don't worry, Steve.
00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:25,You'll be back buggered up in no time.
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:27,One can only hope.
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,Now, if you'll excuse me, loved ones,
I'd like to speak to Laura alone.
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,Now I know you're all reluctant to leave
at all.
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:05,I have a tennis court with miracles.
00:06:08,670 --> 00:06:11,Honeybunch, I may not make it through
this medical ordeal.
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,Would you please give me something to
remember you by?
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:17,Like what?
00:06:17,570 --> 00:06:21,Marry me. No. We can take it. No. We're
going steady. No. A date. No. A kiss. On
00:06:21,690 --> 00:06:23,the hand. On the lips. The forehead.
00:06:23,370 --> 00:06:24,Deal.
00:07:35,690 --> 00:07:37,Your kidney came out clean as a whistle.
00:07:39,070 --> 00:07:40,Kidney?
00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:43,Oh, you were funning me.
00:07:44,870 --> 00:07:45,Well,
00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:50,we better get going, Steve. It's getting
late and you need your rest.
00:07:51,150 --> 00:07:52,Oh, you...
00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:31,Doctor said that Steve can't come home
for three days.
00:08:32,169 --> 00:08:34,That's 72 hours.
00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:36,Three days, Urkel, free.
00:08:37,490 --> 00:08:41,They'll be the three happiest days of my
life.
00:08:52,410 --> 00:08:53,Well,
00:08:53,730 --> 00:08:57,Charlene, what's going on? You've g***t a
roommate. A man g***t shot in the rear
00:08:57,550 --> 00:08:58,end.
00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:01,Lordy, a bullet in my butt.
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:53,Okay, on three. One, two, oh, three.
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:54,Ow!
00:09:58,260 --> 00:10:01,Okay, plan B. Let's slide him off with
the sheet.
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,One, two, three.
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:16,Officer, we're going to have to roll you
onto the bed. Oh, all right, all right,
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,just hurry up.
00:10:18,890 --> 00:10:19,All right, easy, easy.
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,Oh, thank you. Thank you. Just use your
call button if you need me. Thank you.
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,Thank you.
00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:02,You're very nice. Thank you.
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,Tell me what happened. Did you sit on
your gun again?
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:13,No, I didn't.
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,I surprised a couple of slimeballs
trying to break into a jewelry store.
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:18,Well, did they get away?
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:19,Well, one of them did.
00:11:20,420 --> 00:11:23,But I threw a tackle on the other one
and held them down with my one good
00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:24,until help arrived.
00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:33,I'm okay. Don't worry. I'm all right.
Oh, Carl.
00:11:33,530 --> 00:11:35,He'll be, uh, he'll be fine, Rachel.
00:11:37,970 --> 00:11:39,I'll see to it.
00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:43,Why is your arm around me?
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:49,Well, you're emotionally vulnerable
right now, so I thought I'd make a move
00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:50,you.
00:11:52,090 --> 00:11:53,You're lucky.
00:11:53,950 --> 00:11:54,I **?
00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:58,Yeah. You won't have to go far for
medical treatment.
00:12:06,410 --> 00:12:08,one of those chicks that won't loosen up
without booze.
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:53,I g***t shot in the butt, not in the head.
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:57,Fire it on over here, big guy.
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:10,Look at my life.
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:15,I g***t this pain in the butt, and I've
g***t that pain in the butt.
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,How could it get any worse?
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,do this to me.
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:47,I've just had a major operation.
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:51,Yes, you did. And you think you've
learned to turn the other cheek.
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:53,I
00:14:53,860 --> 00:15:11,made
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:13,it. I'm so glad.
00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:19,Alfred? What the heck is that?
00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:21,My appendix.
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:29,Well,
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:30,what are you trying to do?
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:33,I'm trying to lower the back so I can
get some sleep.
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,I don't know which button it is.
00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:39,Oh, I do. Let me try. No, that's all
right. Let me try. Let me try.
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:50,What are you trying to do, kill me?
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,Well, of course not. How could you even
ask such a thing?
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,You know, you're not a very patient
patient.
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:57,All right, that is it, Steve.
00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:01,I've had it with you. Now you go back to
your bed and shut up.
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,What? You heard me. I have g***t to get
some sleep.
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:09,So that means no more helping me with my
bed, no more pickle body parts, and no
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,more musical tributes to my...
00:16:19,050 --> 00:16:20,the way you feel.
00:16:20,710 --> 00:16:22,I'll just leave you alone.
00:16:22,770 --> 00:16:23,Well, good.
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,Come on, Alfred.
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:26,Alfred.
00:16:37,270 --> 00:16:38,Officer Winslow? Yeah.
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:40,I'm Dr. Jenkins.
00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:43,Where's Mr.
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:46,Funziano? Dead.
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:49,the food killed him.
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,How do you feel?
00:16:53,010 --> 00:16:55,Well, to be perfectly honest, Doc, I've
had better days.
00:16:56,130 --> 00:16:57,Well, you just need some rest.
135...
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