Ellen s01e08 The Houseguest Subtitles

00:00:03,739 --> 00:00:05,So, what's a cappuccino?

00:00:05,940 --> 00:00:12,A cappuccino is a coffee drink of
Italian origin, comprised of equal parts

00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:14,milk, foam milk, and espresso.

00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:20,The name is derived from the foam cap,
which was thought to resemble the hooded

00:00:20,580 --> 00:00:23,robes of the cappuccino friars of the
16th century.

00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,I meant, what's it cost?

00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:36,Three dollars.

00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:38,Okay, what's a cafe latte?

00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:39,Also three dollars.

00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:42,No, I mean, does it have a little story
to go with it?

00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:47,Here's me.

00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:49,Here's my patience.

00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:52,I've lost it.

00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,Get out of here.

00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:03,Joe, around here we like to think that
the customer's always right.

00:01:06,310 --> 00:01:08,The customer's always right.

00:01:13,790 --> 00:01:16,Where do you come up with these?

00:01:19,670 --> 00:01:21,I g***t a good one for you.

00:01:22,390 --> 00:01:26,It's not whether you win or lose, but
how you play the game.

00:01:31,510 --> 00:01:33,Here's another one. Here's another one.

00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:36,People are basically good.

00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:49,Let us know if we can help you with
anything.

00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:51,Yeah, just give a yell.

00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:54,Actually, you know what? I could use
your help on this display over here.

00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:56,Oh, we were just being polite.

00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,You know, the only reason we come here
is because it's so much fun watching you

00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:02,work. Well, enjoy.

00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:07,Wow, this Jack Slade character is
amazing.

00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:08,What are you reading?

00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,The new Nestor Big novel, Cold Steel
Slade.

00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:12,Check this out.

00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,Big Gus Logan had Slade cornered, and
they both knew it.

00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:21,Suddenly... In one blinding motion,
Slade whipped the screwdriver out of his

00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,back pocket and sunk it deep into Gus's
neck.

00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,The blood flowed like wine.

00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,Authors always look so distinguished in
their photographs, don't they?

00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:39,I love Nestor Biggs. His books are
pedistic, violent trash.

00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:40,I know, aren't they great?

00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,They're for people who are too stupid to
watch television.

00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:44,I know, aren't they great?

00:03:45,930 --> 00:03:48,Off at night should not be a forum for
criminals.

00:03:48,350 --> 00:03:51,Oh, you kill one guy in a bar fight,
suddenly you're a criminal.

00:03:52,030 --> 00:03:53,Whose life can stand up to that kind of
scrutiny?

00:03:57,010 --> 00:03:58,Good afternoon, by the book.

00:03:58,610 --> 00:03:59,Hi, Dad.

00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:00,Hi, Ellie.

00:04:01,890 --> 00:04:03,How are you, dear?

00:04:03,350 --> 00:04:04,I'm great, and you?

00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:07,I'm wonderful. I'm trying out my new
pipe.

00:04:07,510 --> 00:04:11,What? You don't smoke. I do now. The
tobacco shop with having a two -for -one

00:04:11,790 --> 00:04:13,sale, you can't pass that off.

00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,No, you can't.

00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,Hey, listen, if chewing tobacco goes on
sale, keep in mind I g***t a birthday

00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:20,coming up.

00:04:21,180 --> 00:04:24,You know, smoking is kind of fun once
you get past the dizziness and the

00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:25,vomiting.

00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:32,Say, what time does Tracy's plane get
in? About 8 .30. 8 .30. You better get

00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,going.

00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,Dad, her plane is still on the ground in
Missouri. I refuse to leave before she

00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:37,does.

00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:42,Ellen, we're all a little worried about
your cousin's big trip out here to

00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,California.

00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,She's sweet and innocent. She isn't like
you.

00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:53,Well, thank you for that. But there's no
need to worry about Tracy. She's always

00:04:53,270 --> 00:04:55,been my favorite cousin. I'm the one who
convinced her to come out here.

00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,Dad?

00:04:57,810 --> 00:04:58,Dad?

00:04:59,510 --> 00:05:00,Oh, oh, oh.

00:05:01,230 --> 00:05:03,I g***t a little woozy.

00:05:05,990 --> 00:05:07,I think I'd better go lie down.

00:05:08,970 --> 00:05:11,Okay, you do that. Hey, and relax about
Tracy.

00:05:11,410 --> 00:05:12,She couldn't be in safer hands.

00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:27,This is going to be your best vacation
ever. I can't believe I ** finally in

00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:28,Angeles.

00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,Look, there's a palm tree.

00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:33,And another one, and another one, and
another one.

00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,And you wanted to go to Hawaii.

00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:39,Thank God I talked you out of that one.
Wait a minute.

00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:43,You could have gone to Hawaii and you
chose to come here?

00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:45,Yeah, what's wrong with that?

00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:48,Nothing.

00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:50,I was in Hawaii once.

00:05:51,210 --> 00:05:54,is the most beautiful place on Earth. So
clean and so safe.

00:05:55,210 --> 00:05:58,Oh, when I had to come back here, I
cried for two weeks.

00:05:59,410 --> 00:06:00,Oh.

00:06:00,690 --> 00:06:01,Tears of joy, I'm sure.

00:06:02,890 --> 00:06:06,She was just so happy to see the
sunshine and movie stars and palm trees.

00:06:06,810 --> 00:06:10,Look, there's a palm tree. And there's
another one. And another one. And

00:06:10,010 --> 00:06:13,one. And another one. It's kind of hard
to look at them the same way once you

00:06:13,110 --> 00:06:15,realize that they're just crawling with
tree rats.

00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:21,this friend of mine who had a rat fall
out of a tree into his shoulder. Ew. He

00:06:21,490 --> 00:06:24,had to get rabies shots every day for a
month. Ew.

00:06:25,710 --> 00:06:29,Shouldn't you guys be singing or playing
the alphabet game or something?

00:06:30,370 --> 00:06:31,Okay, okay.

00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:37,Me first. A, I see an arsonist. Uh, B, I
see a burglar.

00:06:37,470 --> 00:06:38,Carjacking. Bad guy.

00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:43,Tracy, they're just kidding. Bad things
almost never happen here.

00:06:49,930 --> 00:06:50,was the beach?

00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:51,It was fun.

00:06:53,370 --> 00:06:55,You okay? What happened?

00:06:55,810 --> 00:06:58,Oh, I stepped on something in the sand.

00:06:58,630 --> 00:07:00,You were walking on the beach barefoot?

00:07:00,650 --> 00:07:04,No, a beer bottle went right through my
sneaker.

00:07:05,330 --> 00:07:08,It was a pretty green bottle, so if we
can pick it out of her foot, I think we

00:07:08,410 --> 00:07:09,have a good souvenir.

00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,And when you make calamine lotion, I'm
starting to get a little itchy all over.

00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,Oh, my God. You didn't go in the water,
did you? Well, she kind of had to. That

00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:19,pit bull wouldn't take no for an answer.

00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:25,Is there something wrong with going in
the water? No, no. Those swim at your

00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,risk signs are merely guidelines.

00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:31,Spoilsport scientists don't want you to
have any fun anymore. Don't lay out in

00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,the sun. Don't eat fatty foods.

00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,Don't swim in raw sewage. Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,You know, I think I'm just going to take
a long shower.

00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:42,Oh, construction crew broke a pipe out
front.

00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:47,There's no hot water. Well, cold's okay.
I'm feeling a little feverish anyway.

00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:49,Ow. Ow.

00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,Remember, it's shampoo, rinse, repeat.

00:07:56,580 --> 00:08:00,Oh, this is going so badly. I just want
one thing that she does here to be fun.

00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:04,Please, something fun. Anything fun. One
little tiny piece of fun.

00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:07,Well, why don't you take her to see a
show?

00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:12,Something spectacular like, uh, Sunset
Boulevard?

00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:16,Great, Adam. If I would have thought of
that six months ago, maybe I'd be

00:08:16,780 --> 00:08:18,sitting here with tickets in my hand.

00:08:19,780 --> 00:08:21,Sitting here with tickets in my hand.

00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,Not just any tickets. Fourth row
tickets.

00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:25,Glenn, close.

00:08:25,820 --> 00:08:26,Yeah, real close.

00:08:27,980 --> 00:08:29,I g***t it from a scalper.

00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,I owe you big.

00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:33,Hey, Tracy!

00:08:34,039 --> 00:08:36,This is going to be...