Kick A***s 1 English Subtitles
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00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,MAN 1: Guardian of the universe.
00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:30,MAN 2: Protecting us
against the forces of evil.
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:31,MAN 3: The superpowers of this man...
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,MAN 4: He can catch a bullet,
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,halt a speeding train.
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,MAN 5: And leap tall buildings
in a single bound.
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,- Up in the sky...
- MAN 6: Is it a bird?
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:39,MAN 7: A mailman by day...
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,MAN 8: City's guardian by night.
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,MAN 9: Defending the citizens of New York
from the forces of evil.
00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:48,MAN 10: The world has been protected
by a group of extraordinary men and women
00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:50,who have dedicated themselves
to fighting crime.
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,MAN 11: Mysterious traveler
from another dimension.
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:56,MAN 12: He has powers farbeyond
the capabilities of mere earthlings.
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:10,NARRATOR: I always wondered
why nobody did it before me.
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:16,I mean, all those comic books,
movies, TV shows,
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,you'd think that one eccentric Ioner
would have made himself a costume.
00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:25,I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,Are schools and offices so thrilling
00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,that I'm the only one
who ever fantasized about this?
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,Come on, be honest with yourself.
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:38,At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a superhero.
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:51,(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,That's not me, by the way.
00:01:56,992 --> 00:02:01,That's some Armenian guy
with a history of mental health problems.
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,Who ** I? I'm Kick-A***s.
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:18,That's me,
back before any of this crazy s***t happened.
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:23,I guess I was the last person
you'd expect to become a superhero.
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,I'm not saying
there was anything wrong with me,
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:30,but there was nothing special, either.
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,- GIRL: A***e.
- I wasn't into sports.
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer.
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,I didn't have a piercing
or an eating disorder
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,or 3,000 friends on MySpace.
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,My only superpower
was being invisible to girls.
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,And out of my friends, man,
I wasn't even the funny one.
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,Like most people my age, I just existed.
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,Good morning, class.
00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:08,Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2.
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:13,DAVE: Kick in my bedroom door,
and you'd probably find me watching TV
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,or talking to my friend Todd on Skype...
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,- Are you watching Family Guy?
- Nope.
00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:22,Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com.
It's good.
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,DAVE: Or jerking off,
mostly to my English teacher.
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,Dave Lizewski.
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:35,Don't think I haven't noticed
you looking at my t***s, Dave.
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,(MOANS) I want your hands all over me, Dave.
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,Please.
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,DAVE: Sure, a lot of what g***t me
through the average school day
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:49,was making deposits
in the whack-off warehouse for later.
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,Though to be honest,
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:53,it didn't take much to set me off.
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,I swear, when my hormones balance out,
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:59,shares in Kleenex
are gonna take a dive, man.
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:07,Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking
at Hamlet right now?
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,Yes, Mrs. Zane.
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,I'm sorry.
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,DAVE: But don't get me wrong.
I like girls my own age, too.
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,Especially Katie Deauxma.
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:20,Hey, gorgeous.
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:22,Hey.
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,(CHUCKLES)
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,Oh, no.
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,You meant Erika. I know. I knew that.
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,I was just kidding.
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,Okay, cool.
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,Oh, my God.
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,(BOTH GIGGLING)
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom.
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,(CHUCKLES)
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,That's funny. This is your dad.
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,No, that's still my mom, actually.
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:52,(LAUGHS)
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,What the f***k!
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,DAVE: I was just a regular guy.
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:02,No radioactive spiders, no refugee status
from a doomed alien world.
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:06,You know what? Todd said
they do still make Count Chocula.
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:09,They just don't sell it at the store anymore.
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,DAVE: My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen...
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,- Mom?
...as opposed to a gunman in the alley.
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,So if you were hoping for any,
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,"I will avenge you, Mother!"
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,You're out of luck.
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,In the 18 months since my mother died,
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,the only epiphany I had
was realizing that life just goes on.
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,Did they change the bee's face?
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,No.
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,How come nobody's ever tried
to be a superhero?
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,MARTY: Boy, I don't know.
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,Probably 'cause it's f***g impossible,
dipshit.
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,What, putting on a mask and
helping people? How's that impossible?
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,That's not superhero, though.
How is that super?
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:55,Super's like being stronger than everybody
and flying and s***t. That's just hero.
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,No, it's not even hero.
It's just f***g psycho.
00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,Mmm.
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,Yes, but he had all the expensive s***t
that doesn't exist.
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,I thought you meant, like,
"How come nobody does it in real life?"
00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:08,Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,Dude, if anybody did it in real life,
they'd get their a***s kicked.
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,- They'd be dead in, like, a day.
- A day.
00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:14,Yeah, okay,
I'm not saying they should do it.
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,I just can't figure out why nobody does.
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,Seriously, out of all the millions of people
who love superheroes,
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,you'd think one would give it a try.
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,Why thousands of people
wanna be Paris Hilton
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,Yeah, what's with that?
She has, like, no t***s at all.
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,Maybe it's the p***n tape.
He doesn't have a p***n tape.
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,You guys never saw
One Night in Spider-Man?
00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:38,(LAUGHING)
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,(EXCLAIMS) Guess who?
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:48,DAVE: Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry
for Chris D'Amico?
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,Yeah, it must be terrible
to have a rich dad and everything you want.
00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,I wish you wouldn't have said anything
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,- 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
- Right.
00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:57,The fact that he's always on his own?
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:03,We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,I didn't say we should talk to him. I just...
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome.
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,If he was our friend,
no one would ever f***k with us again.
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna...
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,- I can get...
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,MAN 1: Guardian of the universe.
00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:30,MAN 2: Protecting us
against the forces of evil.
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:31,MAN 3: The superpowers of this man...
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,MAN 4: He can catch a bullet,
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,halt a speeding train.
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,MAN 5: And leap tall buildings
in a single bound.
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,- Up in the sky...
- MAN 6: Is it a bird?
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:39,MAN 7: A mailman by day...
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,MAN 8: City's guardian by night.
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,MAN 9: Defending the citizens of New York
from the forces of evil.
00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:48,MAN 10: The world has been protected
by a group of extraordinary men and women
00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:50,who have dedicated themselves
to fighting crime.
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,MAN 11: Mysterious traveler
from another dimension.
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:56,MAN 12: He has powers farbeyond
the capabilities of mere earthlings.
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:10,NARRATOR: I always wondered
why nobody did it before me.
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:16,I mean, all those comic books,
movies, TV shows,
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,you'd think that one eccentric Ioner
would have made himself a costume.
00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:25,I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,Are schools and offices so thrilling
00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,that I'm the only one
who ever fantasized about this?
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,Come on, be honest with yourself.
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:38,At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a superhero.
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:51,(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,That's not me, by the way.
00:01:56,992 --> 00:02:01,That's some Armenian guy
with a history of mental health problems.
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,Who ** I? I'm Kick-A***s.
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:18,That's me,
back before any of this crazy s***t happened.
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:23,I guess I was the last person
you'd expect to become a superhero.
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,I'm not saying
there was anything wrong with me,
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:30,but there was nothing special, either.
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,- GIRL: A***e.
- I wasn't into sports.
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer.
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,I didn't have a piercing
or an eating disorder
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,or 3,000 friends on MySpace.
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,My only superpower
was being invisible to girls.
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,And out of my friends, man,
I wasn't even the funny one.
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,Like most people my age, I just existed.
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,Good morning, class.
00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:08,Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2.
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:13,DAVE: Kick in my bedroom door,
and you'd probably find me watching TV
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,or talking to my friend Todd on Skype...
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,- Are you watching Family Guy?
- Nope.
00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:22,Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com.
It's good.
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,DAVE: Or jerking off,
mostly to my English teacher.
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,Dave Lizewski.
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:35,Don't think I haven't noticed
you looking at my t***s, Dave.
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,(MOANS) I want your hands all over me, Dave.
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,Please.
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,DAVE: Sure, a lot of what g***t me
through the average school day
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:49,was making deposits
in the whack-off warehouse for later.
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,Though to be honest,
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:53,it didn't take much to set me off.
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,I swear, when my hormones balance out,
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:59,shares in Kleenex
are gonna take a dive, man.
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:07,Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking
at Hamlet right now?
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,Yes, Mrs. Zane.
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,I'm sorry.
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,DAVE: But don't get me wrong.
I like girls my own age, too.
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,Especially Katie Deauxma.
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:20,Hey, gorgeous.
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:22,Hey.
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,(CHUCKLES)
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,Oh, no.
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,You meant Erika. I know. I knew that.
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,I was just kidding.
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,Okay, cool.
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,Oh, my God.
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,(BOTH GIGGLING)
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom.
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,(CHUCKLES)
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,That's funny. This is your dad.
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,No, that's still my mom, actually.
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:52,(LAUGHS)
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,What the f***k!
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,DAVE: I was just a regular guy.
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:02,No radioactive spiders, no refugee status
from a doomed alien world.
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:06,You know what? Todd said
they do still make Count Chocula.
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:09,They just don't sell it at the store anymore.
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,DAVE: My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen...
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,- Mom?
...as opposed to a gunman in the alley.
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,So if you were hoping for any,
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,"I will avenge you, Mother!"
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,You're out of luck.
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,In the 18 months since my mother died,
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,the only epiphany I had
was realizing that life just goes on.
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,Did they change the bee's face?
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,No.
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,How come nobody's ever tried
to be a superhero?
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,MARTY: Boy, I don't know.
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,Probably 'cause it's f***g impossible,
dipshit.
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,What, putting on a mask and
helping people? How's that impossible?
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,That's not superhero, though.
How is that super?
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:55,Super's like being stronger than everybody
and flying and s***t. That's just hero.
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,No, it's not even hero.
It's just f***g psycho.
00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,Mmm.
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,Yes, but he had all the expensive s***t
that doesn't exist.
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,I thought you meant, like,
"How come nobody does it in real life?"
00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:08,Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,Dude, if anybody did it in real life,
they'd get their a***s kicked.
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,- They'd be dead in, like, a day.
- A day.
00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:14,Yeah, okay,
I'm not saying they should do it.
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,I just can't figure out why nobody does.
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,Seriously, out of all the millions of people
who love superheroes,
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,you'd think one would give it a try.
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,Why thousands of people
wanna be Paris Hilton
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,Yeah, what's with that?
She has, like, no t***s at all.
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,Maybe it's the p***n tape.
He doesn't have a p***n tape.
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,You guys never saw
One Night in Spider-Man?
00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:38,(LAUGHING)
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,(EXCLAIMS) Guess who?
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:48,DAVE: Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry
for Chris D'Amico?
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,Yeah, it must be terrible
to have a rich dad and everything you want.
00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,I wish you wouldn't have said anything
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,- 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
- Right.
00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:57,The fact that he's always on his own?
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:03,We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,I didn't say we should talk to him. I just...
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome.
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,If he was our friend,
no one would ever f***k with us again.
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna...
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,- I can get...
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