Kick A***s 1 English Subtitles

At 00:00:06,000, Character said: Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

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At 00:00:26,735, Character said: MAN 1: Guardian of the universe.

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At 00:00:28,404, Character said: MAN 2: Protecting us
against the forces of evil.

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At 00:00:30,239, Character said: MAN 3: The superpowers of this man...

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At 00:00:31,448, Character said: MAN 4: He can catch a bullet,

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At 00:00:32,533, Character said: halt a speeding train.

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At 00:00:33,867, Character said: MAN 5: And leap tall buildings
in a single bound.

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At 00:00:36,370, Character said: - Up in the sky...
- MAN 6: Is it a bird?

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At 00:00:38,622, Character said: MAN 7: A mailman by day...

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At 00:00:39,998, Character said: MAN 8: City's guardian by night.

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At 00:00:41,583, Character said: MAN 9: Defending the citizens of New York
from the forces of evil.

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At 00:00:44,837, Character said: MAN 10: The world has been protected
by a group of extraordinary men and women

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At 00:00:48,132, Character said: who have dedicated themselves
to fighting crime.

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At 00:00:50,217, Character said: MAN 11: Mysterious traveler
from another dimension.

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At 00:00:52,302, Character said: MAN 12: He has powers farbeyond
the capabilities of mere earthlings.

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At 00:01:07,609, Character said: NARRATOR: I always wondered
why nobody did it before me.

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At 00:01:12,740, Character said: I mean, all those comic books,
movies, TV shows,

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At 00:01:16,577, Character said: you'd think that one eccentric Ioner
would have made himself a costume.

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At 00:01:22,458, Character said: I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?

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At 00:01:25,627, Character said: Are schools and offices so thrilling

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At 00:01:27,546, Character said: that I'm the only one
who ever fantasized about this?

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At 00:01:31,884, Character said: Come on, be honest with yourself.

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At 00:01:34,678, Character said: At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a superhero.

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At 00:01:50,527, Character said: (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

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At 00:01:54,490, Character said: That's not me, by the way.

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At 00:01:56,992, Character said: That's some Armenian guy
with a history of mental health problems.

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At 00:02:01,747, Character said: Who ** I? I'm Kick-A***s.

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At 00:02:14,968, Character said: That's me,
back before any of this crazy s***t happened.

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At 00:02:19,765, Character said: I guess I was the last person
you'd expect to become a superhero.

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At 00:02:24,478, Character said: I'm not saying
there was anything wrong with me,

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At 00:02:27,564, Character said: but there was nothing special, either.

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At 00:02:30,317, Character said: - GIRL: A***e.
- I wasn't into sports.

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At 00:02:32,569, Character said: I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer.

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At 00:02:35,989, Character said: I didn't have a piercing
or an eating disorder

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At 00:02:38,992, Character said: or 3,000 friends on MySpace.

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At 00:02:41,662, Character said: My only superpower
was being invisible to girls.

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At 00:02:45,999, Character said: And out of my friends, man,
I wasn't even the funny one.

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At 00:02:50,087, Character said: Like most people my age, I just existed.

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At 00:03:03,892, Character said: Good morning, class.

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At 00:03:05,561, Character said: Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2.

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At 00:03:10,065, Character said: DAVE: Kick in my bedroom door,
and you'd probably find me watching TV

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At 00:03:14,111, Character said: or talking to my friend Todd on Skype...

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At 00:03:15,904, Character said: - Are you watching Family Guy?
- Nope.

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At 00:03:18,574, Character said: Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com.
It's good.

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At 00:03:25,831, Character said: DAVE: Or jerking off,
mostly to my English teacher.

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At 00:03:30,460, Character said: Dave Lizewski.

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At 00:03:32,087, Character said: Don't think I haven't noticed
you looking at my t***s, Dave.

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At 00:03:36,884, Character said: (MOANS) I want your hands all over me, Dave.

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At 00:03:40,429, Character said: Please.

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At 00:03:42,931, Character said: DAVE: Sure, a lot of what g***t me
through the average school day

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At 00:03:45,559, Character said: was making deposits
in the whack-off warehouse for later.

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At 00:03:49,104, Character said: Though to be honest,

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At 00:03:50,939, Character said: it didn't take much to set me off.

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At 00:03:54,192, Character said: I swear, when my hormones balance out,

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At 00:03:56,945, Character said: shares in Kleenex
are gonna take a dive, man.

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At 00:04:03,452, Character said: Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking
at Hamlet right now?

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At 00:04:07,456, Character said: Yes, Mrs. Zane.

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At 00:04:11,001, Character said: I'm sorry.

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At 00:04:13,587, Character said: DAVE: But don't get me wrong.
I like girls my own age, too.

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At 00:04:17,799, Character said: Especially Katie Deauxma.

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At 00:04:19,927, Character said: Hey, gorgeous.

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At 00:04:21,637, Character said: Hey.

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At 00:04:22,888, Character said: (CHUCKLES)

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At 00:04:26,099, Character said: Oh, no.

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At 00:04:28,560, Character said: You meant Erika. I know. I knew that.

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At 00:04:32,981, Character said: I was just kidding.

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At 00:04:34,983, Character said: Okay, cool.

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At 00:04:37,194, Character said: Oh, my God.

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At 00:04:40,280, Character said: (BOTH GIGGLING)

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At 00:04:42,741, Character said: Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom.

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At 00:04:45,953, Character said: (CHUCKLES)

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At 00:04:47,329, Character said: That's funny. This is your dad.

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At 00:04:49,957, Character said: No, that's still my mom, actually.

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At 00:04:51,708, Character said: (LAUGHS)

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At 00:04:54,211, Character said: What the f***k!

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At 00:04:56,129, Character said: DAVE: I was just a regular guy.

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At 00:04:57,881, Character said: No radioactive spiders, no refugee status
from a doomed alien world.

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At 00:05:03,011, Character said: You know what? Todd said
they do still make Count Chocula.

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At 00:05:06,264, Character said: They just don't sell it at the store anymore.

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At 00:05:10,644, Character said: DAVE: My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen...

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At 00:05:13,146, Character said: - Mom?
...as opposed to a gunman in the alley.

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At 00:05:15,983, Character said: So if you were hoping for any,

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At 00:05:17,150, Character said: "I will avenge you, Mother!"

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At 00:05:20,487, Character said: You're out of luck.

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At 00:05:21,780, Character said: In the 18 months since my mother died,

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At 00:05:24,074, Character said: the only epiphany I had
was realizing that life just goes on.

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At 00:05:27,786, Character said: Did they change the bee's face?

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At 00:05:31,206, Character said: No.

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At 00:05:40,257, Character said: How come nobody's ever tried
to be a superhero?

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At 00:05:43,010, Character said: MARTY: Boy, I don't know.

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At 00:05:44,177, Character said: Probably 'cause it's f***g impossible,
dipshit.

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At 00:05:46,346, Character said: What, putting on a mask and
helping people? How's that impossible?

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At 00:05:49,599, Character said: That's not superhero, though.
How is that super?

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At 00:05:51,810, Character said: Super's like being stronger than everybody
and flying and s***t. That's just hero.

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At 00:05:55,397, Character said: No, it's not even hero.
It's just f***g psycho.

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At 00:05:58,400, Character said: Mmm.

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At 00:05:59,526, Character said: Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.

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At 00:06:01,987, Character said: Yes, but he had all the expensive s***t
that doesn't exist.

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At 00:06:04,448, Character said: I thought you meant, like,
"How come nobody does it in real life?"

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At 00:06:06,742, Character said: Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.

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At 00:06:08,118, Character said: Dude, if anybody did it in real life,
they'd get their a***s kicked.

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At 00:06:10,871, Character said: - They'd be dead in, like, a day.
- A day.

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At 00:06:12,998, Character said: Yeah, okay,
I'm not saying they should do it.

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At 00:06:14,916, Character said: I just can't figure out why nobody does.

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At 00:06:17,377, Character said: Seriously, out of all the millions of people
who love superheroes,

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At 00:06:20,922, Character said: you'd think one would give it a try.

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At 00:06:23,925, Character said: Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?

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At 00:06:26,136, Character said: Why thousands of people
wanna be Paris Hilton

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At 00:06:27,929, Character said: and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?

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At 00:06:29,389, Character said: Yeah, what's with that?
She has, like, no t***s at all.

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At 00:06:32,392, Character said: Maybe it's the p***n tape.
He doesn't have a p***n tape.

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At 00:06:34,936, Character said: You guys never saw
One Night in Spider-Man?

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At 00:06:36,688, Character said: (LAUGHING)

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At 00:06:39,316, Character said: (EXCLAIMS) Guess who?

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At 00:06:44,696, Character said: DAVE: Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry
for Chris D'Amico?

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At 00:06:48,450, Character said: Yeah, it must be terrible
to have a rich dad and everything you want.

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At 00:06:51,161, Character said: I wish you wouldn't have said anything

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At 00:06:52,329, Character said: - 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
- Right.

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At 00:06:54,790, Character said: The fact that he's always on his own?

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At 00:06:59,252, Character said: We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.

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At 00:07:03,381, Character said: I didn't say we should talk to him. I just...

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At 00:07:05,300, Character said: Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome.

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At 00:07:06,843, Character said: If he was our friend,
no one would ever f***k with us again.

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At 00:07:09,930, Character said: Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna...

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At 00:07:11,223, Character said: - I can get...