Kick A***s 1 English Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,319 MAN 1: Guardian of the universe. 3 00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:30,154 MAN 2: Protecting us against the forces of evil. 4 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:31,364 MAN 3: The superpowers of this man... 5 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,448 MAN 4: He can catch a bullet, 6 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,783 halt a speeding train. 7 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,285 MAN 5: And leap tall buildings in a single bound. 8 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,079 - Up in the sky... - MAN 6: Is it a bird? 9 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:39,914 MAN 7: A mailman by day... 10 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,499 MAN 8: City's guardian by night. 11 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,752 MAN 9: Defending the citizens of New York from the forces of evil. 12 00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:48,047 MAN 10: The world has been protected by a group of extraordinary men and women 13 00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:50,133 who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime. 14 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,218 MAN 11: Mysterious traveler from another dimension. 15 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:56,514 MAN 12: He has powers farbeyond the capabilities of mere earthlings. 16 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:10,611 NARRATOR: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. 17 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:16,033 I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows, 18 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,872 you'd think that one eccentric Ioner would have made himself a costume. 19 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:25,334 I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? 20 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,462 Are schools and offices so thrilling 21 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,756 that I'm the only one who ever fantasized about this? 22 00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,468 Come on, be honest with yourself. 23 00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:38,306 At some point in our lives, we all wanted to be a superhero. 24 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:51,694 (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) 25 00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,532 That's not me, by the way. 26 00:01:56,992 --> 00:02:01,037 That's some Armenian guy with a history of mental health problems. 27 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,791 Who ** I? I'm Kick-A***s. 28 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:18,596 That's me, back before any of this crazy s***t happened. 29 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:23,768 I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. 30 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,480 I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, 31 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:30,066 but there was nothing special, either. 32 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,485 - GIRL: A***e. - I wasn't into sports. 33 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,154 I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. 34 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,908 I didn't have a piercing or an eating disorder 35 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,118 or 3,000 friends on MySpace. 36 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,956 My only superpower was being invisible to girls. 37 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,502 And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. 38 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,880 Like most people my age, I just existed. 39 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,476 Good morning, class. 40 00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:08,980 Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2. 41 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:13,442 DAVE: Kick in my bedroom door, and you'd probably find me watching TV 42 00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,820 or talking to my friend Todd on Skype... 43 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,489 - Are you watching Family Guy? - Nope. 44 00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:22,451 Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com. It's good. 45 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,916 DAVE: Or jerking off, mostly to my English teacher. 46 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,003 Dave Lizewski. 47 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:35,756 Don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my t***s, Dave. 48 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,802 (MOANS) I want your hands all over me, Dave. 49 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,596 Please. 50 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,474 DAVE: Sure, a lot of what g***t me through the average school day 51 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:49,020 was making deposits in the whack-off warehouse for later. 52 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,855 Though to be honest, 53 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:53,399 it didn't take much to set me off. 54 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,861 I swear, when my hormones balance out, 55 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:59,238 shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man. 56 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:07,038 Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking at Hamlet right now? 57 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,706 Yes, Mrs. Zane. 58 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,335 I'm sorry. 59 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,964 DAVE: But don't get me wrong. I like girls my own age, too. 60 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,842 Especially Katie Deauxma. 61 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:20,927 Hey, gorgeous. 62 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:22,720 Hey. 63 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,138 (CHUCKLES) 64 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,308 Oh, no. 65 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,772 You meant Erika. I know. I knew that. 66 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,482 I was just kidding. 67 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,525 Okay, cool. 68 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,611 Oh, my God. 69 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,656 (BOTH GIGGLING) 70 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,784 Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom. 71 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,203 (CHUCKLES) 72 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,330 That's funny. This is your dad. 73 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,624 No, that's still my mom, actually. 74 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:52,917 (LAUGHS) 75 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,670 What the f***k! 76 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,797 DAVE: I was just a regular guy. 77 00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:02,677 No radioactive spiders, no refugee status from a doomed alien world. 78 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:06,180 You know what? Todd said they do still make Count Chocula. 79 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:09,183 They just don't sell it at the store anymore. 80 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,062 DAVE: My mother was killed by an aneurism in the kitchen... 81 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,898 - Mom? ...as opposed to a gunman in the alley. 82 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,066 So if you were hoping for any, 83 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,403 "I will avenge you, Mother!" 84 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,696 You're out of luck. 85 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,990 In the 18 months since my mother died, 86 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,702 the only epiphany I had was realizing that life just goes on. 87 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,079 Did they change the bee's face? 88 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,206 No. 89 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,925 How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero? 90 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,093 MARTY: Boy, I don't know. 91 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,262 Probably 'cause it's f***g impossible, dipshit. 92 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,515 What, putting on a mask and helping people? How's that impossible? 93 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,726 That's not superhero, though. How is that super? 94 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:55,312 Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and s***t. That's just hero. 95 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,315 No, it's not even hero. It's just f***g psycho. 96 00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,442 Mmm. 97 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,902 Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn't have any powers. 98 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,363 Yes, but he had all the expensive s***t that doesn't exist. 99 00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,657 I thought you meant, like, "How come nobody does it in real life?" 100 00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:08,034 Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant. 101 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,786 Dude, if anybody did it in real life, they'd get their a***s kicked. 102 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,913 - They'd be dead in, like, a day. - A day. 103 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:14,832 Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it. 104 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,709 I just can't figure out why nobody does. 105 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,838 Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes, 106 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,090 you'd think one would give it a try. 107 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,052 Jesus, guys, does it not bug you? 108 00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,845 Why thousands of people wanna be Paris Hilton 109 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,305 and nobody wants to be Spider-Man? 110 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,308 Yeah, what's with that? She has, like, no t***s at all. 111 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,852 Maybe it's the p***n tape. He doesn't have a p***n tape. 112 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,604 You guys never saw One Night in Spider-Man? 113 00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:38,064 (LAUGHING) 114 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,441 (EXCLAIMS) Guess who? 115 00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:48,365 DAVE: Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry for Chris D'Amico? 116 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,077 Yeah, it must be terrible to have a rich dad and everything you want. 117 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,244 I wish you wouldn't have said anything 118 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,705 - 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying. - Right. 119 00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:57,333 The fact that he's always on his own? 120 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:03,297 We should, like, talk to him. See if he wants to hang out with us. 121 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,216 I didn't say we should talk to him. I just... 122 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,759 Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome. 123 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,845 If he was our friend, no one would ever f***k with us again. 124 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,138 Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna... 125 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,223 - I can get...