Watch Wirey Spindell (1999) - Free Movies - Tubi Subtitles

00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:15,(upbeat music)

00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:22,♪ Something's always better than nothing ♪

00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:26,♪ See your castles washing away ♪

00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,♪ He can walk for miles without water ♪

00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:37,♪ She can talk with nothing to say ♪

00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:40,♪ Does it really make you happy ♪

00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:46,♪ Does it really make you care

00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:52,♪ If I had a pencil, I would draw a piece of paper ♪

00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:57,♪ If I had a home, I would move ♪

00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,♪ If I had the answer

00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:03,♪ I would wonder what the hell I should do ♪

00:01:03,863 --> 00:01:07,♪ But something's always better than nothing ♪

00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:10,- [Wirey] I was born Wirey Spokes Spindell,

00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:12,to hippie parents in the winter of
00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:13,in New York hospital,

00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,and I'm getting married in nine days.

00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,As a result, I've been doing quite a lot of thinking,

00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:20,which people tell me is normal.

00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,I don't know,

00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:24,just a lot of soul searching and introspection,

00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:26,big life questions.

00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,You think at any point after those people

00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:29,were massacred a few years ago,

00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:30,you guys ever thought of subtracting them

00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,from the number of people served sign?

00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,Like 99 billion minus 42 served?

00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:39,♪ If I had a pencil, I would draw a piece of paper ♪

00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:43,♪ If I had a home, I would move ♪

00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:44,No?

00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:46,♪ If I had the answer

00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:51,♪ I would wonder what the hell I should do ♪

00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,- Hello!

00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,- Look at you!

00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:56,You glowing bride, you!

00:01:56,816 --> 00:01:58,- Well, actually this is an additional glow.

00:01:58,651 --> 00:01:59,This would be the,

00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:02,I just g***t promoted to senior account manager glow!

00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:03,- Get the f***k outta here!

00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:04,When did this happen?

00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:05,- About five minutes ago.

00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:06,- If the perfect life couldn't get any better.

00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:08,- Yeah, well come on, we're going to be very late.

00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,(horns honking)

00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,- Are you going to be able to fit into that?

00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,- Okay, you may have been Cosmo brainwashed

00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,into succumbing to some f***d up

00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,surreal barometer of what a woman's self esteem is,

00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:26,but I have not, and more importantly,

00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:28,of course, I'm going to fit into that wedding dress

00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:29,because IV saline solution's the only thing

00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:32,I've allowed my body for seven weeks.

00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:35,I won't even let Wirey cum in me 'til after the wedding.

00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,♪ If I had the answer

00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:41,♪ I would wonder what

00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,- [Wirey] I really only have one main problem

00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:44,and although it's been joked about

00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:46,glibly and superficially throughout time,

00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,diminishing and minimizing its very real

00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:50,and significant effect on relationships

00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:52,of all kinds throughout the universe,

00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:53,it remains a problem I ** committed

00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,to solving and destroying,

00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:57,because I refuse to let it f***k up my life anymore

00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,and that problem is very simply that I'm a man.

00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:01,I ** stink-man!

00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:05,As a man, I'm at constant war with myself.

00:03:05,785 --> 00:03:08,One side says, look, you're 36 years old.

00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,You've been around the block, experienced life.

00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,How lucky are you that now,

00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,at the perfect time to settle down,

00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,God has graced you with the most beautiful,

00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:19,funny, smart, warm, compassionate,

00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:22,loving woman you could ever wish for?

00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:24,Thank you, God.

00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:25,Thank you, God.

00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:27,Thank you.

00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:29,Now the other side says,

00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,you see that s***y redhead

00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,at that table across the restaurant?

00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:34,Why don't you get the waiter to slip her a note,

00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:37,telling her to meet you in the bathroom in five minutes.

00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,You get up, your heart racing.

00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:40,You glance over to her.

00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:41,She reads the note.

00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:42,Will she tell the guy she's with

00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:43,and he'll come over and beat the s***t out of you?

00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:43,Will she show up?

00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:46,And what'll happen?

00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,You go into the bathroom and shut the door,

00:03:47,493 --> 00:03:48,but you don't lock it.

00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,Anyone could come in.

00:03:49,495 --> 00:03:50,Some fat, drunk businessman, a bus boy.

00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,Then this might very possibly even be illegal.

00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,The door knob turns.

00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:56,It's her.

00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,She slides in and you lock the door behind her.

00:03:58,104 --> 00:03:59,You hoist her up on the sink.

00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,She has one stiletto on the toilet basin

00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,and the other one on your chest for leverage.

00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:04,You slide her silk panties to the side

00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:06,and f***k the s***t out of her.

00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,Now, granted,

00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:11,maybe nothing even remotely like that has ever happened,

00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:12,but you know what?

00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,It might.

00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:15,Okay.

00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:16,It might.

00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:21,- Hi, honey.

00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,How's it going?

00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:23,Do you want some tea?

00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,- I'm in here now.

00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:31,- I realize that, sweetheart,

00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:32,and I was wondering if while you were in here,

00:04:32,805 --> 00:04:34,you might like a cup of tea.

00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:37,- I understand.

00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,It's just that it's really hard

00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:44,to have any alone, private time in here

00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:47,when you keep coming in to where

00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:49,I have my alone private time.

00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:51,- Look, it's no big deal.

00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,I was just making myself some tea

00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:54,and I thought maybe you'd like some.

00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:08,- I really appreciate how thoughtful you are

00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:09,and how considerate you are,

00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:11,and how you think of making me a cup of tea

00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:12,when you're making a cup of tea.

00:05:12,845 --> 00:05:19,It's super sweet, but I do have a beverage

00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:22,and it's just,

00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:28,it's really hard to have any kind of just,

00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:33,alone, private time,

00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,when you keep coming in here,

00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,to where I,

00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,where I have my alone, private time.

00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:52,- Can I ask you a question?

00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:54,- Prefer if you didn't.

00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,- Actually it's two questions.

00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:57,- Would it be okay if you asked me

00:05:57,590 --> 00:05:58,neither of them right now?

00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:01,- First, and I'm just curious,

00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:04,why do you have your alone private time in the bathroom,

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