Nightmare.Weekend.1986.DVDRip Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,280 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:06,160 ♪ My heart is broken, like an egg on the floor 3 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:10,440 ♪ If I wasn't such a grown-up then I'd call you a w***e 4 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,600 ♪ You are my personal salmonella 5 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:19,040 ♪ Going off on holiday and having s***x with Trevor 6 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:22,800 "# She's the egg-smashing woman" ALL LAUGH 7 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:26,280 "# Egg-smashing..." I was 16. I was in a bad place. 8 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:30,520 Why don't you take it down? I forgot my password and security question. 9 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,880 I mean, Jesus, what is my favourite place? 10 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,440 Judging by that, another dude's arse. Shut up, Mitchell! 11 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,920 Sir, can we watch my video now? What's it called? 12 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,560 One girl, ten cups. Oh, god, Chantelle. 13 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,520 What? It's just me doing the washing-up. Oh. 14 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:48,440 Greetings and salutations. David Millbank. I was just wondering 15 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:52,200 if I can count on your vote for this forthcoming school election. 16 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,160 Um, go away. We're working. 17 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,000 Now, who did you vote for last year? 18 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,040 Little Mix. 19 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,920 Ah, the X Factor, yes. 20 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,560 Look, I love music. I'm a big fan of The Coldplay, 21 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,960 Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat... Rizzle Sticks. 22 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:14,240 Here, Sir, do you want to see an old guy singing with his nutsack? 23 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,480 Mitchell, why would I want to see an old man singing with his...? 24 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,560 MUSIC: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel 25 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:20,760 Oh, my god! Is that...? 26 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,760 Oh, I've g***t to send this to Fraser. He loves Peter Gabriel. 27 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,760 COMPUTER BOINGS 28 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,640 "# I'll be anything you need" 29 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,560 Goodness, Peter Gabriel's aged. 30 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,080 "# You could have a big dipper" 31 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,080 Oh, Jesus. 32 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,080 "# Going up and down all around the bends" 33 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,080 OK, there's nothing to see here, guys. Can you just get on? 34 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:48,280 Put the phone away. Question ten's good. Get on with it. It's chicken. 35 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:53,200 ♪ This amusement never ends 36 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:55,800 ♪ I wanna be 37 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,680 ♪ Your sledgehammer 38 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,400 ♪ Why don't you call my name? 39 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,520 ♪ Oh! Let me be your sledgehammer 40 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,320 ♪ This will be my testimony 41 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,040 ♪ Sledge 42 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,320 ♪ Sledge 43 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:24,000 This is the dawn of a new age. 44 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,440 Now, by now you're all be aware that a video of our headmaster 45 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,080 showing children images of a geriatric man 46 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:33,080 manipulating his scrotum to song has gone viral. 47 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,520 He's been asked to remain off the school grounds 48 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,200 pending a review by the Educational Authority Disciplinary Board. 49 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,400 In the interim, I shall rule. Bullshit. 50 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,600 Surely the most senior member of staff should be headmistress? 51 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,160 Mollinson has been here since, like, the swinging '60s. 52 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,360 The swinging '70s and '80s. 53 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:57,480 The '90s were a bit dry, thanks to my hip replacement. 54 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,360 Now, given the disastrous example set by our ex-headmaster, 55 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:05,280 we have to get our house in order. What do you mean, "house in order"? 56 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:09,360 To start, I'm not having you turn this place into a hippy commune. 57 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:13,840 That ludicrous garden of yours. The one I built as a memorial to my late brother, Freddie? 58 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,880 I need a new parking space. Could it fit a Hummer? 59 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,840 And take this school election, always an absolute shambles. 60 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,080 Oh, is it? I don't believe in elections. Course you don't. 61 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,400 But we are going to show the board that we can get something right. 62 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,040 Which means, Wickers, you can sit this one out. 63 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,040 BLOWS A RASPBERRY Bothered? 64 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,120 This election will run like clockwork. 65 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:39,880 That way, I will show the board that I ** the right man for the job on a permanent basis. 66 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,400 No-one wants you in charge. You're like the stepmum in Parent Trap. 67 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,520 With me in power, this school will improve, expand. 68 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:52,600 The pupils will be better, stronger... 69 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,840 purer. 70 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,960 Almost like a super race? Yes. Amazing. 71 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,600 I have to deal with that troublesome Fletchley boy. 72 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:05,080 His parents are demanding compensation for some javelin accident. 73 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,200 So I'm expelling him. On what grounds? 74 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,480 For having marijuana in his locker. How do you know that? 75 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,840 I put it there. 76 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,160 I need a smoke. 77 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,640 Yeah, me too. You don't smoke. 78 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:21,200 Yeah, sure I do... you know, like, when I'm stressed. 79 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,920 ♪ Oh! After the rain 80 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,320 ♪ We forget, we make sure we gain, then we leave it 81 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,040 ♪ Cos we're a nation of forgetters. ♪ 82 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,480 Fraser is screwed. 83 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,920 COUGHS 84 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,200 That's some good s***t. Do you want to do blowback? 85 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,000 It's a cigarette, Alfie, it's not pot. 86 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,040 Yeah, sorry. 87 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,080 Can you imagine Pickwell as headmistress? 88 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,920 I'm not letting her near Freddie's tree. 89 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,920 You heard the way she was talking. 90 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,920 She'll have Jewish kids in separate classes. 91 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,400 In five years, we'll be telling the disciplinary board 92 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,800 we were only following orders. 93 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,760 She could sack us! Then what would you do as a living? 94 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,240 Go back to B&Q. I kept the uniform. 95 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,160 And staff get 13% off decking. So, win-win. 96 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:15,000 You'll have to make an effort with her. Are you entering this election? 97 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,200 She told me not to. 98 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,280 Anyway, this whole school election thing is bullshit. 99 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,640 Only because of the last time your kids g***t involved in politics. 100 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,760 Not this again. Rem Dogg g***t stage fright. 101 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:30,760 Well, hello, young chap. What's your ambition in life, eh? 102 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,760 A***l. 103 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,800 What? Um... 104 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,160 Everyone knows school politics is just for losers like Millbank. 105 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,760 You know he came to my class this morning asking for our votes? And? 106 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,600 I told him to piss off. You do know he's my candidate? 107 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,880 COUGHS Great guy. 108 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,600 I bet you think it's cool to say you're not "into" politics. 109 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,280 Now you're sounding really old. Have you ever voted? 110 00:05:55,280 --> 00:06:00,080 No. No. I don't need to, because my dad does my postal vote for me. 111 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,440 Oh, god. 112 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:05,040 Winning the election would be a piece of piss. I can't be bothered. 113 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:09,800 Because you're afraid of losing. Losing? My class would rape Millbank. 114 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:14,720 Your class? Special K? Please. Don't bring the children into this. 115 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:19,920 Pathetic. Right, I'm going back to help my "loser" win this election. 116 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,720 Well, I ** going to the canteen 117 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,120 because I have g***t the munchies. 118 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:33,480 Right, class. We've g***t an election to win! 119 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,320 Who wants to stand? 120 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,160 Look, I've seen the other candidates 121 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,520...