Birds of a Feather s04e04 Wipe That Smile Off Your Tape Subtitles

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00:00:02,819 --> 00:00:04,Here's a weird one for you.

00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:10,Poetic athlete seeks athletic poetess
for high jinks on the high wire with no

00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,safety net.

00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,Married man seeks bit on the side.

00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:20,What about six foot four rugged Porsche
owning businessman seeks fun loving soul

00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:21,mate for discreet pleasure.

00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,Another married man seeks bit on the
side.

00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,Let's face it Trace.

00:00:27,710 --> 00:00:31,You ain't going to find many eligible
millionaires advertising in the Chigwell

00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:32,shopper, are you?

00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:33,Suppose not.

00:00:34,310 --> 00:00:35,I wrote to one of their meds once.

00:00:36,410 --> 00:00:42,It said, Arnold Schwarzenegger look
-alike stockbroker wants a yuppie s***x

00:00:42,090 --> 00:00:46,goddess for a little bit of insider
dealing on the stock market floor.

00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,You're no yuppie s***x goddess.

00:00:48,770 --> 00:00:51,And he was no Arnold Schwarzenegger look
-alike either.

00:00:51,730 --> 00:00:54,No? No, it was Chris. Looking for a bit
on the side.

00:00:55,570 --> 00:00:56,Bloody liberty.

00:00:57,110 --> 00:01:01,A married man advertising like that.
Well, you answered it and you were

00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,Well, only to Chris.

00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:07,Must have cost him a few bob, though. I
mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger's g***t to

00:01:07,530 --> 00:01:08,take up two lines.

00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:10,No, it didn't cost him nothing.

00:01:10,450 --> 00:01:12,He knew the bird on the classified AIDS
desk.

00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:13,Oh, and she gave him a free one.

00:01:16,170 --> 00:01:20,You're filthy, you are. Comes from
living with you for too long. Anyway, I

00:01:20,190 --> 00:01:22,know why he bothered with all these
lonely arts heads.

00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:23,You never know, do you?

00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:31,Here. Tall, handsome, blonde,
international playboy seeks
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:33,-year -old Cockney cafe owner called
Sharon.

00:01:34,530 --> 00:01:35,Idiot.

00:01:36,470 --> 00:01:37,Oh, this sounds interesting.

00:01:38,510 --> 00:01:42,Stuck between veterinary surgeons and
waste disposal experts.

00:01:42,490 --> 00:01:46,What is it? A video dating agency called
Love Match. Listen.

00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:49,Special introductory offer.

00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,Ten men for 45 quid.

00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,Sounds like a mail order catalogue.

00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:58,Yeah, but I bet you don't have to wait
28 days for the goods to come.

00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:01,I bet I'll give it a go.

00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,You'll be wasting your money.

00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:04,You don't know that.

00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:07,I've read about this video dating, Lark.

00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:13,It removes the unknown quantity of when
you meet a stranger for the first time.

00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:14,What unknown quantity?

00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:16,Is he going to look like one of the
Pogues?

00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,Right. All I have to do is polish up me
personality.

00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:23,Where's Daryl's camcorder?

00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,I sold it ages ago, didn't I?

00:02:25,820 --> 00:02:26,What'd you do that for?

00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,It was just a mad impulse to be able to
buy food.

00:02:31,140 --> 00:02:32,Hang about.

00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:33,Daryl's g***t one, hasn't she?

00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,I expect so. She's g***t everything else.

00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,Well, do you reckon she'll film me if I
ask her?

00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:42,Sharon, that woman would pay for the
chance to film you making a pratty

00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,yourself.

00:02:49,230 --> 00:02:50,It's a bit on the heavy side, isn't it,
doll?

00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:52,It's an early model.

00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:55,Marcus was the first person in Chigwell
to have one, you know.

00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:57,What, an unfaithful wife?

00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,Tracy, I'm here to do you a favour.

00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:03,I'm sorry. I just hope I can remember
how it works.

00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:06,Although I do vaguely recollect the
salesman giving me a dry run.

00:03:07,050 --> 00:03:08,I'll bet.

00:03:08,470 --> 00:03:09,It was all so long ago.

00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,I wonder what this button does.

00:03:11,910 --> 00:03:14,Ah, red lights come on. What does that
mean? You're open for business?

00:03:16,090 --> 00:03:17,Very droll.

00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:26,Blimey, it's tomato woman.

00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:30,Well, what do you think?

00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:34,I have to say you look very nice,
Sharon, because to tell you the truth

00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:35,only shatter your confidence.

00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,What on earth have you put that on for?

00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,It's what I'm going to wear down a
dating agency.

00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:44,I want to make a good impression, don't
I? Can we get on with it, please?

00:03:45,060 --> 00:03:46,Right.

00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,It'd help if you take the front bit off,
Dor.

00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:52,Thank you, Sharon.

00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:54,Right.

00:03:57,710 --> 00:03:58,Ready?

00:03:59,410 --> 00:04:00,Yes.

00:04:01,050 --> 00:04:02,OK.

00:04:03,090 --> 00:04:05,And... action.

00:04:05,570 --> 00:04:10,Hello. My name's Sharon, and I'd like to
tell you a bit about myself.

00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:15,I'm a s***y scorpion, just dying to get
to know you.

00:04:16,310 --> 00:04:20,I suppose I'd call myself an experienced
catering entrepreneur.

00:04:21,039 --> 00:04:25,as I've built up a small restaurant
empire since leaving business school.

00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,I've travelled extensively and ** fluent
in French. Hang about. Stop, stop,

00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:31,stop.

00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:36,I? Tracy, I'm the director and we only
stop when I say so. Well, say so then.

00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:37,Cut.

00:04:38,980 --> 00:04:41,What do you think you're doing? I'm just
getting in my stride.

00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,Yeah, I've never heard so many porkies.
An experienced catering entrepreneur.

00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,Well, you've g***t to build it up a bit,
haven't you?

00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,Yeah, not into McDonald's.

00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:54,He never even qualified at ordinary
school.

00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,And the only French you're fluent in is
kissing.

00:04:57,740 --> 00:04:59,Well, it's me mother tongue then, isn't
it?

00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:03,Oh, it's only a giggle, Trace.

00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,A little bit of exaggeration won't do no
harm.

00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,A little exaggeration? You make the
Sunday sport look like the Bible.

00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:14,Sharon's right, Tracey. She'd never get
a man if she told the truth. She has to

00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,tell a few white lies.

00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:19,Look, I don't care as long as it gets me
a bloke that knows the difference

00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,between his sleeve and a handkerchief.

00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,Can we start again, please?

00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,Yes. OK.

00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,We'll tone it down a little bit this
time, all right? All right.

00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:27,OK.

00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,And... Action.

00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:33,Hello.

00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,My name's Sharon.

00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:37,And I'm a Randy Ram.

00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,Well, that's about it, then.

00:05:44,380 --> 00:05:48,If you fancy me and I fancy you, well,
let's not hang about.

00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:55,Well, what do you reckon?

00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,Well, you were direct, Sharon. I'll say
that.

00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:01,But you think I'll pull anyone?

00:06:01,830 --> 00:06:03,Half a chick, well, I should know that.

00:06:05,390 --> 00:06:06,Have you g***t me where you want me?

00:06:07,270 --> 00:06:08,It's standing up, OK?

00:06:08,650 --> 00:06:09,Switch it off. Switch it off.

00:06:11,050 --> 00:06:14,Very impressive. I like a man who can
handle his youth.

00:06:16,570 --> 00:06:17,Shall I move about a bit?

00:06:18,510 --> 00:06:19,Whoops.

00:06:20,650 --> 00:06:21,I think you're going to write that
later.

00:06:23,290 --> 00:06:24,Dorian, you've g***t nothing on.

00:06:25,130 --> 00:06:26,Yes, she has.

00:06:26,770 --> 00:06:28,She's wearing a wrinkly pink capsule.

00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:34,Could I have my tape back now that you
have humiliated me? Oh, no way.

00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,This is my rehearsal tape, Dor.

00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:40,I've g***t to take it down the video
dating agency. Sharon!

00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,I just wondered, is Sharon back from the
dating agency yet?

00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:00,No. She's taking her time.

00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:04,They probably couldn't fit her Pinocchio
nose in the frame.

136...

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