Birds of a Feather s01e06 Substitute.eng Subtitles

00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:08,What'll I do when you are far

00:00:08,020 --> 00:00:13,away and I ** blue?

00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:19,What'll I do when I'm alone

00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:25,with only dreams of you

00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:28,that won't...

00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:33,What do I do?

00:01:01,450 --> 00:01:05,And somehow I felt unfulfilled, unlike
most of the people in her books.

00:01:05,751 --> 00:01:10,So I asked Dorian, did she have anything
a bit more challenging? She said, what

00:01:10,330 --> 00:01:13,did I fancy? I said, I didn't really
know. So she lent us this.

00:01:13,230 --> 00:01:14,It's g***t a bit of everything in it.

00:01:14,990 --> 00:01:18,A bit of Kafka, a bit of Jean -Paul
Sartre, a bit of Kant.

00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:20,Oh, Kant.

00:01:22,451 --> 00:01:24,Yes, yes.

00:01:24,340 --> 00:01:28,Typical working -class attitude to
anything on paper that ain't covered in

00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:29,and vinegar.

00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:31,And you can't be enjoying it.

00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,No, not exactly.

00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,But it does broaden the mind.

00:01:36,540 --> 00:01:40,I mean, an education gives you something
to talk about after, doesn't it?

00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:43,Something besides, give the fag or I beg
for dry patch.

00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:48,It don't matter what you read, you're
still common, ain't you?

00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,No, just honest.

00:01:50,001 --> 00:01:54,Being honest, I won't be needing this.
You can't do that. That's your visiting

00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:56,order. I know.

00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,I've been carting it around in me bag
for three weeks with no real intention

00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:01,ever seeing Chris again.

00:02:01,940 --> 00:02:04,But you can't just dump him. He's still
your husband.

00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,You've g***t to save him through thick and
thin.

00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,Take the rough with the smooth, share
the ups and the downs. The ins and the

00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:11,outs and the okies and the kokies.

00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,I'll take the mix, Sharon. What about
your marriage vans?

00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,Trace, they were all in Greek.

00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:22,Well, I know. I might have been agreeing
to buy all 24 volumes of the

00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:24,Encyclopedia Britannica.

00:02:25,740 --> 00:02:27,Anyway, I've been to see a brief.

00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:31,Dorian recommended one. Dorian? You can
find more in Dorian than you can find in

00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:35,me. Look, I just asked her as a friend.
I'm your sister.

00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,Blood is meant to be thicker than water.

00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:39,Yeah, well, they're thick.

00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:40,And they're thick.

00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,Oh, come on, Trace.

00:02:47,340 --> 00:02:49,I've apologised enough. Nothing, I.

00:02:51,050 --> 00:02:54,Blimey, I've eaten more dung than Mrs.
Thatcher's entire cabinet.

00:02:55,230 --> 00:02:56,You're sick, all right.

00:02:57,130 --> 00:02:58,Look, I told you.

00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:02,I didn't mean you were sick when I said
you were sick.

00:03:03,230 --> 00:03:07,I just meant that you can be so, so
blinkered.

00:03:07,511 --> 00:03:12,Just because you think marriage is the
greatest invention since the pop -up

00:03:12,410 --> 00:03:15,toaster doesn't mean I've g***t to stay
with that useless ponce the rest of my

00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:16,life, does it?

00:03:20,190 --> 00:03:21,Blimey. What?

00:03:22,010 --> 00:03:24,I've just spotted this week's special
offer.

00:03:25,150 --> 00:03:28,Where comes I never come home with
anything like that when I go shopping?

00:03:30,130 --> 00:03:32,She never stops, does she?

00:03:32,770 --> 00:03:34,Well, he's a bit of an outlaw, isn't he?

00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,Tracy Stubbs.

00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,Go and wash your eyes out with soap and
water.

00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:46,Hi. So how's the reading going, Sharon?

00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:47,Oh, not bad.

00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,That Lord Byron was a bit of a gullible,
weren't he?

00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,Which juice has been?

00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:54,Oh, of course, where are my manners?

00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:56,Answers on a postcard, please.

00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,Yes, this is Pat Edwards.

00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:03,Pat, this is, or rather these are, Tracy
and Sharon, my next -door neighbours.

00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:04,Pleased to meet you.

00:04:04,971 --> 00:04:07,Pat and I have just been looking at
houses together.

00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:11,What? You don't mean... No, she doesn't.
I didn't know you were such a wind -up

00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:12,artist, Dorian.

00:04:12,111 --> 00:04:15,I'm just lodging with Marcus and Dorian
for a couple of weeks until I can find

00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,some places to buy.

00:04:16,670 --> 00:04:18,Pat's been working in Italy for three
years.

00:04:19,130 --> 00:04:20,You're Patsy Edwards, aren't you?

00:04:21,269 --> 00:04:22,I'm afraid so.

00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:24,Patsy Edwards!

00:04:24,581 --> 00:04:28,There was a big picture of him in the
News of the World yesterday.

00:04:28,330 --> 00:04:30,You don't mean... No, no.

00:04:30,910 --> 00:04:33,Not the best hung paper hanger in
Halifax.

00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,Patsy Edwards lives on the sports page.

00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:43,West Ham have just paid some Italian cub
nearly a million quid for him.

00:04:43,470 --> 00:04:44,Nah.

00:04:44,521 --> 00:04:48,Don't try to tell my Daryl you've moved
in next door. He's mad about West Ham.

00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,Really? I can get you a couple of
tickets for the next home game.

00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,You can be my guest.

00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:55,I don't really think Daryl would be able
to come to your next home game.

00:04:56,140 --> 00:04:57,I'll call the one after that.

00:04:57,521 --> 00:04:59,There's someone else's guest at the
moment.

00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:01,What, you see he plays on a Saturday?

00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,Oh, right. Who's for?

00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:05,Just an amateur side.

00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,Yeah, Wormwood Scrubbers.

00:05:14,550 --> 00:05:17,The last of yours is a real pig to iron.

00:05:17,490 --> 00:05:18,All these frills.

00:05:18,910 --> 00:05:20,Well, leave it if you can't do it.

00:05:20,630 --> 00:05:22,Oh, I can do it. I just ate it. That's
all.

00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:25,Anyway, why do we iron?

00:05:25,870 --> 00:05:26,What?

00:05:27,290 --> 00:05:28,Well, why do we?

00:05:28,571 --> 00:05:33,It's just a social convention that says
clothes look better all smooth instead

00:05:33,170 --> 00:05:34,of all crumbly.

00:05:34,490 --> 00:05:37,Ever since you started reading that
book, you've been questioning

00:05:38,390 --> 00:05:42,Why do we iron? Why do we clap when we
like something and boo when we don't and

00:05:42,370 --> 00:05:43,not the other way round?

00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,Why are we here? Oh, I figured out that
one.

00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,It's because Chiswell's a dance -site
nicer than Edmonton Green.

00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,Right, tell me how this stands.

00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,Do you mind? I'm trying to whine here.
Just listen.

00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:59,My darling Daryl... Shakespeare couldn't
have put it better.

00:05:59,041 --> 00:06:02,Then I'll skip over the rest of the
first page because it's about a dream I

00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:03,about him the other night.

00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,Oh, no, go on, tell us. No. I'll do
that. No, I'm a priest and you're ready

00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:10,minute. All right, read us the rest
then.

00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,The other morning, it was so hot, the
milk turned on the doorstep.

00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,I told Milky, and he changed it for a
strawberry yoghurt.

00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:19,So that was all right.

00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,You should have a column in Exchange and
March Race.

00:06:25,591 --> 00:06:29,Then I go and say that I really miss
you, of course, and I'm dying to see

00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,only you're visiting all Dresden arrived
yet. I suppose it's in the post, unless

00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,you've gone off me. Joke.

00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:36,Then there's a bit more personal stuff.

00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,You told him about Dorian's Lodger?

00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:41,Pepsi. I didn't think he'd be that
interested.

00:06:42,230 --> 00:06:44,What? Don't give me all that.

00:06:44,510 --> 00:06:46,Daryl's West...