Birds of a Feather s01e07 Xmas Special - Sailing Subtitles

00:00:01,420 --> 00:00:07,What will I do when you are far

00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:12,away and I ** blue?

00:00:13,060 --> 00:00:18,What will I do when I'm alone

00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:25,with only dreams of you?

00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,Are you Trace?

00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:59,No, it's the Virgin Mary and I'm looking
for me donkey.

00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,Oh, there you are.

00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,Still raining, is it?

00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,Talking of virgins, where the hell did
you get through my umbrella and my away

00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:12,day? I took you out open for half an
hour for another ticket.

00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,Me?

00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,I was outside Virgin Marble Arch like
you said. Where was you?

00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:21,I didn't say Virgin Marble Arch. I said
Virgin Tottenham Court Road.

00:01:22,410 --> 00:01:25,You ain't trying to tell me there's two
virgins in Oxford Street this day and

00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:26,age.

00:01:27,710 --> 00:01:30,And what the hell do you think you're
doing with that? That's probably Sylvie.

00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:33,Well, my needs are greater than hers.

00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:34,As are my sisters.

00:01:35,030 --> 00:01:38,Oh, I think I'll have to pull out the
London Marathon trace.

00:01:38,690 --> 00:01:41,Well, I can't give it to an act, can I?
They can aim.

00:01:41,630 --> 00:01:42,No, it's not.

00:01:43,610 --> 00:01:44,They can foot.

00:01:46,050 --> 00:01:47,Give it to me.

00:01:48,370 --> 00:01:51,Anyway, she'll never use it.

00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:54,She's agoraphobic, isn't she?

00:01:54,830 --> 00:01:58,Don't you remember last Christmas when
we had to post her turkey through the

00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,letterbox, limb by limb?

00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:01,What did you get her then?

00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:05,G***t her a file of facts. A file of facts
for Aunty Sylvie?

00:02:06,170 --> 00:02:08,Yeah. Help her organise her lifestyle.

00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:13,She's a 77 -year -old pensioner. She
ain't g***t a lifestyle, she's g***t Barrett

00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:14,Spain.

00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:16,It's a bargain train.

00:02:17,150 --> 00:02:19,Only 4 .75 down Barrett Street Market.

00:02:19,850 --> 00:02:23,Oh, you're unbelievable, you are. You'd
buy a barrel of care dung if it was on

00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:24,special.

00:02:24,990 --> 00:02:25,You see?

00:02:26,790 --> 00:02:28,Now you guess what I g***t you for
Christmas.

00:02:30,030 --> 00:02:31,I'm not funny, you know.

00:02:31,810 --> 00:02:33,Well, didn't you get the final effect?

00:02:33,890 --> 00:02:39,Look, I treated myself to a genuine fake
cartier lighter for a fiver.

00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:42,Indistinguishable from the real thing.

00:02:43,150 --> 00:02:44,Yeah, I'll bet.

00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:45,See?

00:02:53,780 --> 00:02:58,Inextinguishable. Anything else, Santa?

00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:04,Yeah. I've g***t Dorian 100 mils of Calvin
Klein's obsession.

00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:10,39 .50 inside boots or two for a tenner
and a suitcase.

00:03:12,580 --> 00:03:15,And that is the room for it. Oh, yes.

00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:19,Must be a two for a tenner. Well, it's
not tough, is it?

00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,Smells like cat repellent.

00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,Hang about. This says Morris Klein.

00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,Don't you see?

00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:30,Oh, well.

00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:34,Should stop the local toms peeing on
Dorian's shoulder pads.

00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:43,Hi.

00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,Still raining, is it?

00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:55,alone tonight with a severe frost in
sheltered areas such as this fort.

00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,So don't invite me in.

00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,Oh, right!

00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,Only shows me!

00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,This recorded delivery letter arrived
for you, Tracy.

00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:22,for it as you were both out. How so?

00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:27,I must tell you, the post office have
taken on the most gorgeous holiday

00:04:28,070 --> 00:04:31,I had to invite him in for half an hour
to warm himself up. Poor boy was frozen.

00:04:33,430 --> 00:04:35,That's the way you like them, Dorian.

00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,Here, Dorian.

00:04:42,330 --> 00:04:46,Talking of postmen, right, do we send
you Jews Christmas cards or what?

00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:49,I mean, like seeing how you killed Jesus
and that.

00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,Not me personally, Sharon. I was at the
hairdresser's.

00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:56,You know what I mean.

00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:59,Well, I'm sending you one if that's any
help.

00:04:59,910 --> 00:05:00,Oh, great.

00:05:07,670 --> 00:05:09,Yeah? Lovely.

00:05:09,470 --> 00:05:10,Not bad, are they?

00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,One ninety -nine for a hundred.

00:05:18,780 --> 00:05:20,Designs like these never go out of
fashion.

00:05:21,340 --> 00:05:24,Particularly if you like cards with
enough glitter on them to make an up

00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,-over garage door.

00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,So, Tracy, aren't you going to open the
letter?

00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,Well, of course not. It's addressed to
Daryl.

00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,So? Oh, look, you may have opened all
Chrissie's mail.

00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:36,Oh, true, true.

00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:38,Mind you, I don't know why I bothered.

00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,He only ever used to get finaled emails
or death threats.

00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,Daryl and I have always trusted each
other.

00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:45,Really?

00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,g***t round to telling you he was a bank
robber then, innit?

00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:49,It's crazy.

00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,He doesn't have to know. You can steam
it open.

00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,I'll just put the kettle on.

00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:02,Oi!

00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,Do you mind, busy?

00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:07,You mean to say you really aren't
curious?

00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,Well, of course I **.

00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:11,But I'll take you up the nick and he can
like me for himself tomorrow.

00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:12,Oh, brilliant.

00:06:15,370 --> 00:06:16,Are you on about?

00:06:16,930 --> 00:06:20,Suppose Daryl had arranged with a mate
of his to send him a nice little wad for

00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:21,Christmas.

00:06:21,870 --> 00:06:25,You know, Luke, from the Great Train
Robbery or something, if Daryl had

00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:27,away. The Great Train Robbery?

00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:28,Daryl was only about four.

00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,He could have bunked off place ago.

00:06:33,490 --> 00:06:35,The Frank says Thomas Cook.

00:06:36,090 --> 00:06:37,Frank who?

00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:39,Oh, my God.

00:06:39,930 --> 00:06:40,What is it?

00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:43,I've just remembered the last thing me
and Daryl ever did in this house

00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,together. Yeah.

00:06:46,630 --> 00:06:48,We were talking about a Christmas
cruise.

00:06:49,630 --> 00:06:51,Well, he must have booked it on his car
phone.

00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:55,Well, he was on his way to rob that
security van. Oh, that's what I call a

00:06:55,530 --> 00:06:56,considerate husband.

00:06:57,230 --> 00:07:03,A luxury winter cruise on the

00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:04,SS...

00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:26,go on holiday while he's languishing in
the nick well i could well you should

00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:32,both go do the world of good even if it
is only economy class whatever that is i

00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:37,could do with a break from this lousy
country yeah i suppose it would be nice

00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:42,for the three of us to get away for a
bit hang a bear it's only two tickets

00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,What are you, Daryl?

00:08:00,820 --> 00:08:01,Where shall we go then, Butlins?

00:08:02,860 --> 00:08:03,You look great, sugar.

00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,I'm tired.

00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:06,Here.

00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,Oh, smashing.

00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:15,Have you g***t one for me, darling?

00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:19,No, but you can open this tube and I'll
tell you right where you can stick it.

00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,Shut it, Stubbs.

00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:30,I know you've always wanted one.

00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,Why? Not the... Why don't you open it
and see?

00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:34,Oh.

00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,A video Walkman.

00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:41,Brilliant. Now I can take the football.

00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,Happy Christmas, darling.

00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,Hold tight, hold tight. Now, what the
hell's going on here?

00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,Well, it's his Christmas present, of
course.

00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:50,How did you get that past the gate? You
can't bring presents in here. I'll see

00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:51,to it.

00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:54,The prison governor, the own secretary
and me.

00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,Don't get...