The Drew Carey Show s05e13 Drew And The Racial Tension Play Subtitles

00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:06,Just up for the store centennial, Mimi?

00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,Yep, I'm the year 1900.

00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:12,Ah, 1900, when America was young and
bison roamed the plains.

00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:19,Of course, they didn't stand on their
hind legs carrying a parasol, but... I'm

00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,dressed like a lady, so I'm going to
respond like a lady.

00:00:23,140 --> 00:00:25,B***e my crank, bubble a***s.

00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,Hey, Drew. Hey, can't go out to lunch?

00:00:31,060 --> 00:00:32,G***t a date.

00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,Uh -huh. You know, Lewis, we've been
hearing about this one for the last two

00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,weeks. This isn't another one of your
fake girlfriends, is it?

00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:41,Boy, you forge one birth certificate,
create one fake credit history, scratch

00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,your own back with your fingernails just
once, and suddenly you're the guy with

00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:46,the fake girlfriends.

00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:50,You know, the real creepy part was when
he used to make up that voice to call me

00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:51,up. Miss me, Drew?

00:00:52,180 --> 00:00:53,Knock it off.

00:00:54,060 --> 00:00:56,Well, this one's real. I met her at a
Star Trek convention.

00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,Well, it's not on the off chance she is
real. Make sure your shields are up

00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:01,before you launch your shuttlecraft.

00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:04,Don't worry about that. When the time
comes, I g***t it covered. The last

00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:06,convention, I bought some wrath of
condoms.

00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,Ah, Mimi, what a delightful outfit. It's
like stepping into the past.

00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,Can you make ten copies of... Please?

00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:18,Oh, I'm sorry. The copier machine hasn't
been invented yet. Oh, neither have

00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,salaries for women.

00:01:21,980 --> 00:01:26,Have you found a speaker for the store's
centennial celebration yet? Yeah, one

00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,of the members of the board.

00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:30,I think it's the right choice. I mean,
he's a real American success story.

00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:32,And here he is.

00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:35,Sorry I spoke too soon.

00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,So, hey, did you get those employee
valuations I left for you? Yes, they're

00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:41,the red file.

00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:42,Good.

00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:51,Weatherman says you're going to have
rain coming up. Oh, here he is now.

00:01:54,190 --> 00:01:56,Mr. Crawford here started in the
stockroom in 1934.

00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:59,Oh, really? Just a year before he
started walking up the aisle toward us.

00:02:01,670 --> 00:02:04,I still climb the ladder faster than
Carrie here.

00:02:05,230 --> 00:02:06,Well, that's true. He's a big failure.

00:02:07,550 --> 00:02:10,You know, save some of that for behind
my back.

00:02:13,570 --> 00:02:17,I'm looking for... to this, Nigel, I'm
going to give a heck of a speech. I've

00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:18,g***t a thousand stories.

00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:23,I spent 15 years in shoes and sold the
first hush puppy in Cleveland.

00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,And that's just one story.

00:02:27,820 --> 00:02:30,Well, let's hope you lead with that. Why
don't we go into my office and

00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:31,celebrate with a nice cigar?

00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,I don't care who you get. I don't care
how you get them. But there's no way

00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:36,Johnny Fix -It -Ed -There is making a
speech.

00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:40,Oh, you want to tell a member of the
board he's not making a speech? Which,

00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,the way, he's making me write.

00:02:42,410 --> 00:02:45,So it's going to be your words coming
out of an old man's mouth.

00:02:45,910 --> 00:02:48,I can hardly even say it without
yawning.

00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:50,Hey, pig.

00:02:50,950 --> 00:02:52,Need you to sign these overtime claims?

00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,Fine. You ain't touching my pen.

00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:57,I know what you do on your lunch break.

00:03:00,030 --> 00:03:03,Great. Not only does it mean you have a
chip on her shoulder, it's insulting me.

00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:10,What are you doing up here? Oh, well, I
left these flowers here, and I wanted to

00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:11,give them to my beautiful date.

00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:16,Oh, they're lovely. But I told you, it's
not a date.

00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,It's just lunch.

00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:19,All right.

00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:22,Just friends for now. But I gotta think
there's a future with a woman who's seen

00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:24,E .T. more than a hundred times.

00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:26,Ouch.

00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:30,You know, there's no strings attached.

00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,Why would he take these flowers from me?

00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,Because she doesn't exist.

00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:37,Oh, yeah, she exists.

00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,Come out and show Drew.

00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:41,Oh, she's very nice. Love her to your
other fake girlfriend.

00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:44,No, no, no. I can see her, but you
can't. Ah, gotcha.

00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:47,What an idiot.

00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,Love the voice, though.

00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:08,It's back.

00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,And now here's Kate O 'Brien to show us
the wind from the outer fashion of the

00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:48,1980s.

00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:53,Very nice.

00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:58,And this is only a joke if you know O
'Brien, but she's dressed like a virgin.

00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,Don't make me kick you in your kaja goo
-goos.

00:05:05,340 --> 00:05:06,Thank you, Kate.

00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,Now, let's set our gaze upon the future.

00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,In the year 25...

00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:14,25.

00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,If man is still alive.

00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,Future woman!

00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:35,I hear you're rolling a traffic. You
with me?

00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:41,Notice how the translucent plastic
protects Mimi from her environment.

00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:43,I'd say it's the other way around.

00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:48,Behold the beauty that is our future.

00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,Crap, there's a bee in here.

00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:59,Actually, that's not the fashion of the
future. Henderson, you owe me 300 bucks.

00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:03,I g***t Mimi into a giant plastic bubble.
Now, it's time for our keynote speaker,

00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,a distinguished member of the board, and
the man who's worked at Winford Louder

00:06:07,460 --> 00:06:11,longer than anyone else. Please welcome
Mr. Arthur Crawford.

00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,and fellow employees.

00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:25,You know, I've been here so long that
when I first started, instead of saying

00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,good morning to each other, we said hail
Caesar.

00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:37,And the only one you hear laughing right
now is a young fellow who helped me

00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:39,write this speech, Drew Carey.

00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:46,As I said, I've been here a long time
and I love this building.

00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,But Winfred Lauder isn't just steel and
bricks.

00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,It's people.

00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,Take the Jews.

00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,They're good with numbers.

00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:58,So that's why they're over in
accounting.

00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,That is, when they're not off on one of
their cockamamie holidays.

00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:06,Sir, maybe you should just stick to the
speech.

00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:07,Oh, yes.

00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:13,Winfred Lauder has the hardest working
employees in the retail industry.

00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,And if you want a hard...

00:07:15,950 --> 00:07:18,you get yourself a Mexican.

00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:24,They're loyal, and they don't take long
for lunch because they always eat off

00:07:24,590 --> 00:07:25,the back of the truck.

00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:31,And who could forget the blacks?

00:07:32,790 --> 00:07:38,They're good at so many things, but I
think they're best at security because

00:07:38,050 --> 00:07:40,they know how to get the stolen stuff
back.

00:07:41,970 --> 00:07:45,They just go over to their cousin's
house, and there it is.

00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,If you people want to charge the stage,
security's on break.

00:07:51,940 --> 00:07:55,Uh, thank you, sir. Thank you for that
entirely ad -lib speech that you

00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,improvised yourself and I didn't help
you write.

00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,Oh, don't be so modest, Drew. We work
great together.

00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:01,Oh, crap.

00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:04,I forgot to thank you fairies.

00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:24,Probably because he knows there's a mob
waiting for him.

00:08:25,310 --> 00:08:28,I say, let whoever's perfect cast the
first stone.

00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:33,That would...