Only When I Laugh s01e04 The Man With The Face Subtitles

00:00:22,750 --> 00:00:25,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:26,770 --> 00:00:29,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:33,I know I **, I'm sure I **.

00:00:34,270 --> 00:00:41,I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I **, I'm sure
I **. He's H

00:00:41,030 --> 00:00:42,-A -P -P -Y.

00:00:48,230 --> 00:00:50,I've g***t your book, Archie. Thank you,
Norman.

00:00:51,550 --> 00:00:53,Just plump my pillows, will you?

00:00:55,190 --> 00:00:58,Let me tuck you in. You've made it all
roly -poly.

00:00:59,950 --> 00:01:02,Careful. Hello, what's this? It looks
like blood.

00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:04,What? Oh, my God, I've hemorrhaged.

00:01:06,110 --> 00:01:07,Get me the nurse, quick.

00:01:07,410 --> 00:01:09,No, no, it's all right. It's tomato
sauce.

00:01:10,050 --> 00:01:11,I wish you wouldn't frighten me like
that.

00:01:12,450 --> 00:01:13,I've g***t enough to worry about.

00:01:14,270 --> 00:01:15,How's the pain, Archie?

00:01:16,450 --> 00:01:18,Don't talk to me about pain, Norman.

00:01:18,450 --> 00:01:19,I know all about pain.

00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:21,I've been there. I lived with it.

00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,Just don't ask me to talk about it. Oh,
my God.

00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,Sorry, Archie. I don't think I can stand
much more than this. Who do you think

00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,you are, Florence Beard in Nightingale?

00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,What do you mean?

00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:35,You know what I mean. I've been watching
you. You've been cutting up his meat,

00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,peeling his grapes, moistening his lips
with a damp flannel. You'd think no one

00:01:39,420 --> 00:01:40,had ever had an operation before.

00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:44,Please, Figgis, not now. I haven't g***t
the strength to argue.

00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,Well, what's the matter with you all of
a sudden? I've g***t post -operative

00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:48,depression.

00:01:48,590 --> 00:01:54,I don't know what came over me. I
suddenly thought of mother and... Oh,

00:01:55,230 --> 00:01:57,Never mind that. Do you read your book?

00:01:57,610 --> 00:01:59,What is it, the ABC of hypochondria?

00:02:00,650 --> 00:02:01,No, British birds.

00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:03,Oh, you're feeling better then.

00:02:04,650 --> 00:02:05,Real birds.

00:02:07,330 --> 00:02:11,Oh, just look at that plumage.

00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:14,You know, Norman, we go around with our
eyes shut.

00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:18,We ought to live every day as though it
were our last. Yes, and one day we'll be

00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:19,right.

00:02:20,380 --> 00:02:24,I used to be like that, you know, proud,
unruffled. Just look at me now.

00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,I was like these birds, thought I'd live
forever.

00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:30,Do you know that man is the only animal
who knows he's going to die?

00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:31,That's very interesting.

00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,No, it isn't. How does he know? Has he
ever talked to a ruddy rabbit?

00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,Ignore him, Archie. Look, he's had a
simple operation. I don't know what all

00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:41,fuss is about.

00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,No one peeled grapes for me.

00:02:50,220 --> 00:02:51,Is that a kestrel?

00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,Please don't read over my shoulder
figures.

00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:55,Is there anything else I can do to help?

00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,Well, yes, there is something.

00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,Would you look out of the window?

00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:04,Is there a man outside, swarthy, dark
moustache -like suit?

00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,No, no, that's the third time you've
asked me that, Archie. Who is it, the

00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:13,Mafia? No, no, it's just some strange
fancy. I keep thinking there's this man

00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:16,outside. It must be my mind playing
tricks.

00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:18,He's rambling.

00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:20,Oh, dear.

00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:21,What's the matter now?

00:03:22,010 --> 00:03:23,I want a tinkle.

00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:25,Oh, not again.

00:03:25,950 --> 00:03:26,I'll fetch a bottle.

00:03:27,890 --> 00:03:31,Look, do we have to have all this? It's
a perfectly good place down the

00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:34,corridor. Listen, Figgis, there's
nothing I'd like more than to point

00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:35,the porcelain again.

00:03:35,990 --> 00:03:39,I'm supposed to be having a complete
rest. Well, you're certainly getting

00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,a whistle for you, Archie. Oh, yes,
thank you, Norman.

00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:16,That's it. I can't stand it. I'd rather
watch Open University than this. So

00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,what's the matter? What's the matter? years of the National Health Service,

00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:24,the proudest jewel in Labour's crown,
and I've g***t to watch you waiting hand

00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:28,foot on this Tory twallop? Now you're
even whistling for him. Some people will

00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,always be serfs at heart.

00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:32,Just a minute, Archie. I'm going to have
a word with him.

00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:34,No, Norman, wait.

00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:39,Nurse!

00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,You could try being a bit more
sympathetic, Fig.

00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:49,Why? You've g***t enough sympathy for both
of us. Well, I feel sorry for him. It's

00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,no good feeling sorry. Look where that's
g***t you.

00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:52,Keeper of Glover's bedpan.

00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:56,You want to remember the work -in -class
struggle, mate. Remember what he is.

00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:57,Oh, does it matter?

00:04:57,820 --> 00:04:59,Anyway, now they've taken our clothes,
who knows what we are?

00:05:00,410 --> 00:05:01,The past's behind us.

00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:03,His isn't. It's catching up with him.

00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:06,That's why he wanted the bed by the
window.

00:05:06,490 --> 00:05:09,All that rubbish about wanting to see
the daffodils tossing their heads in

00:05:09,870 --> 00:05:14,sprightly dance. He wanted to keep a
lookout for his swarthy fellow in the

00:05:14,090 --> 00:05:16,suit. Don't you know what that is?

00:05:16,790 --> 00:05:18,That's a symbol of death.

00:05:18,950 --> 00:05:21,Do me a favour. That's not your symbol
of death.

00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:25,You don't understand. We all have our
own personal image, and that, Archie...

00:05:25,510 --> 00:05:28,Listen, if Glover had a personal image,
it wouldn't be like that.

00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:30,He'd be wearing cavalry twills and
hacking jacket.

00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:35,His idea of heaven is where you all
drink gin and tonic and God struts

00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,with a shooting stick.

00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:39,I don't know about that, but what I'm
saying is it's all in his mind.

00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,Oh, yeah?

00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,Well, if it's all in his mind, who's
that out there?

00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,Swarthy, dark moustache, light suit.

00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:51,Crikey! Oh, you can see him as well, can
you? I'll say one thing for Archie,

00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,he's g***t a powerful imagination.

00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:54,Well, who do you think he is?

00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:55,I don't know.

00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,But judging by the way he's pruning his
nails with that knife, I don't think

00:05:58,820 --> 00:05:59,he's a visiting chiropodist.

00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,Do you think we ought to tell him? Of
course we ought to tell him.

00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,I wouldn't miss this for words.

00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:14,How are you feeling, Archie? Oh, much
better now. Thank you, Roy. Good,

00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,you've g***t a visitor.

00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,Swarthy, dark moustache, light suit out
there.

00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:20,What? I think he's come to make you an
offer you can't refuse.

00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:21,You've g***t to help me, Roy. Have I?

00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:23,Well, don't look like that.

00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:27,He threatened to cut my liver out. What
shall I do?

00:06:27,530 --> 00:06:28,Tell him you're having it done on the
National Earth.

00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:34,Look, I wouldn't ask, but I'm a sick
man. I need help.

00:06:34,990 --> 00:06:37,You wouldn't pass by on the other side,
would you? Yes.

00:06:39,550 --> 00:06:41,No, you wouldn't.

00:06:41,570 --> 00:06:45,You know what they say about you round
here? If you're in trouble, go to

00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:46,Figgy's.

00:06:46,850 --> 00:06:47,Do they? Yeah.

00:06:48,530 --> 00:06:49,And you know why?

00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,Because they trot your fig.

00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,Oh, I wouldn't say that. It's true.

00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:59,Everyone knows under that rough exterior
you're all hot.

00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,Oh, I don't know. What do you mean? What
bleeding rough exterior?

00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:07,He just means that you're the salt of
the earth, Fig. Always ready to defend

00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:08,weak against the strong.

00:07:09,360...