Ellen s02e06 so funny Subtitles

00:00:10,089 --> 00:00:13,This frame cost me way too much money,
but I don't care. I haven't shot a

00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:14,picture this good in months.

00:00:17,710 --> 00:00:18,Anything here?

00:00:18,950 --> 00:00:19,Looks good.

00:00:19,790 --> 00:00:20,All right.

00:00:23,710 --> 00:00:25,Yes? I'll need the hammer.

00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:29,Really? Aren't you the boy who failed
woodshop when his bookshelves collapsed?

00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:32,They gave us substandard lumber.

00:00:32,710 --> 00:00:35,I know how to hang a picture. Right.
Well, how do you find a stud?

00:00:35,790 --> 00:00:38,Usually I just undo my top button and
let him find me.

00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,Electronic stud finder.

00:00:43,950 --> 00:00:45,Here? Nothing.

00:00:48,070 --> 00:00:52,Here, however, we find the sturdiest
place on the wall to drive a nail.

00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:53,That's it.

00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,Clearly substandard lumber.

00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:05,Probably just a little bit over.

00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,Looks like you g***t it surrounded.

00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:21,Ah, all right.

00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,You want to do the honors?

00:01:32,170 --> 00:01:33,What do you call that thing anyway?

00:01:33,150 --> 00:01:34,I haven't named it yet.

00:01:38,810 --> 00:01:39,Really no hurry.

00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:48,And that is funny.

00:01:52,370 --> 00:01:53,Unbelievable.

00:01:56,770 --> 00:01:58,Teresa, that is the most amazing play.

00:02:00,230 --> 00:02:01,Oh.

00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:02,Sure. Sorry.

00:02:04,860 --> 00:02:06,You've g***t to be kidding.

00:02:08,759 --> 00:02:13,Hey, busy? No, I ** just reading this
one sentence over and over and over

00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,It is really good.

00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:18,So how was your romantic weekend in Palm
Springs? Fantastic.

00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:23,Don and I went swimming. We went hiking.
We played tennis. We were hardly ever

00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,in our rooms.

00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:25,Rooms up.

00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:26,It was very romantic.

00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,Don insisted that we have separate
rooms.

00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:30,That does sound romantic.

00:02:30,740 --> 00:02:33,Maybe next time you can go to Hawaii and
stay on separate islands.

00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:35,Don is a gentleman.

00:02:36,180 --> 00:02:38,He wants to take things slow because he
respects me.

00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:40,And that's okay with you?

00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,Ellen, relationships are not just about
s***x.

00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,Besides this waiting thing, it's a huge
turn on.

00:02:48,780 --> 00:02:51,Hey, God, that Teresa is so funny.

00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,Teresa? She's like my second best friend
in the world.

00:02:54,810 --> 00:02:55,Still number one.

00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:59,So, it's all set up. She's flying out
this weekend. She's going to stay here

00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:00,until she finds a job.

00:03:00,650 --> 00:03:01,You're still okay with this, right?

00:03:02,010 --> 00:03:02,Yeah, sure.

00:03:02,910 --> 00:03:05,I'm glad I'm finally getting to meet
her. I was beginning to think you made

00:03:05,730 --> 00:03:06,up.

00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:09,What? Like your Canadian girlfriend.

00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:12,Renee, it was not imaginary.

00:03:14,230 --> 00:03:15,You just didn't get to meet her.

00:03:15,790 --> 00:03:17,Because she moved to Australia.

00:03:18,550 --> 00:03:20,To become a supermodel.

00:03:23,130 --> 00:03:27,Okay, I made her up. But Teresa's real,
you'll see. Seriously, she's like the

00:03:27,970 --> 00:03:29,funniest person I know.

00:03:29,350 --> 00:03:31,Are you sure you mean funniest?

00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:33,Okay, maybe second funniest.

00:03:33,350 --> 00:03:34,Number one.

00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:41,I'm at this Knicks game, right? And I
look over, and there was a guy writhing

00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:45,around in the aisles, right? And
nobody's doing anything. So, of course,

00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,over there, and I'm, like, searching
through his stuff for, like, pills or a

00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:49,rope or something, anything.

00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:53,And I get this asthma inhaler, and I
think, well, thank God he's having an

00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:53,asthma attack.

00:03:53,740 --> 00:03:59,So I put it in his mouth, and I push
down, and wham! It is not an inhaler. It

00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:00,an air horn.

00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:04,Wham! his mouth. That's so funny.

00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:05,That's funny.

00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:11,That reminds me of the time that we went
to that Dodgers game and we didn't have

00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:15,any tickets and we were trying to find a
scalper and everybody that we met was

00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:21,coming up to us and asking us if we had
any tickets to sell. And then later on

00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,we found out that that's how scalpers
ask you if you want to buy tickets, if

00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,have any to sell.

00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,It was so weird.

00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:33,That's a funny story.

00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:35,Thank you.

00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,So, Teresa, how was your flight over?

00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,That was incredible. Oh, I didn't tell
you. I g***t bumped at first class.

00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:47,You aren't going to believe this. I was
walking into the terminal, and I had

00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:50,that sort of hot dog -shaped carry -on
thing that you get at the pilot himself.

00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,My next boyfriend moves to Boston,
right? And he says I'm not adventurous

00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,enough, which you, come on. But I miss
him, so I think I'm going to surprise

00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:01,him. So I put on this big raincoat,
nothing underneath. Zip, okay?

00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:06,And I get on the train. It's a Friday
night. I ride the whole night in the

00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,train, nothing underneath. I'm just
n***d underneath this raincoat. I go to

00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,house. He opens the door. I'm about to
whip off the coat. I look over. His mom

00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:15,and dad are sitting at the dining room
table.

00:05:17,190 --> 00:05:18,What did you do?

00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:20,I was starving. I took off the coat, sat
down, and had dinner.

00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:27,Some people say I g***t a million of them,
but you do. You have an actual million.

00:05:28,230 --> 00:05:29,I think we've heard them all today.

00:05:32,350 --> 00:05:36,I've gone on, haven't I? I'm sorry I do
that. Sorry for what? For making our

00:05:36,930 --> 00:05:38,sides ache with laughter?

00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:39,I should go.

00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,Oh, you're not going to have dinner with
us?

00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:42,No, I have g***t a date.

00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:44,But it was really nice meeting you. Nice
to meet you.

00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,Take care. Bye -bye. I'll walk you out.
Okay, ciao.

00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,Ciao. Oh, ciao.

00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:50,I didn't tell you about Anthony.

00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,Anthony is a guy I met in the ruins.
Well, it wasn't the real ruins. It was

00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:55,by SeaWorld in San Diego.

00:05:58,260 --> 00:05:59,Hey. What was that?

00:06:00,140 --> 00:06:02,What? Oh, just the sound of my own
voice.

00:06:05,210 --> 00:06:07,Like Teresa, she sure can talk.

00:06:07,330 --> 00:06:10,All you can do is just sit back and
enjoy the show. Yeah, I think that show

00:06:10,990 --> 00:06:11,needs an intermission.

00:06:13,670 --> 00:06:14,What, you don't think she's funny?

00:06:15,790 --> 00:06:19,Yeah, I mean, she's funny, you know.
It's just that, don't you think she's

00:06:19,010 --> 00:06:20,trying a little too hard?

00:06:20,290 --> 00:06:24,I mean, she's so transparent. I mean,
she's just dying for attention. Look at

00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:27,me, look at me, I'm funny. Well, guess
what, Teresa, we see you.

00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:31,How can Adam be friends with somebody
who's so insecure?

00:06:32,790 --> 00:06:34,I mean, you know, I'm funny.

00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:38,I know I'm funny, but I don't need to go
around making sure everybody else knows

00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:43,it. And I know that you think I'm funny,
but I don't need to hear you say that

00:06:43,330 --> 00:06:44,you think I'm funny.

00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:50,Although if you would say it, I mean,
now would be a good time to say it.

00:06:51,470 --> 00:06:53,Ellen, you're funny. Oh, thanks.

00:06:54,990 --> 00:06:57,Can I go now? Yeah. Bye. Bye.

00:07:12,330 --> 00:07:13,in my living room.

00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:15,The boudoir is this way.

00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:21,Don.

00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:23,Don.

00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:24,You're here.

00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:27,I don't know if I really need to see
your bedroom.

00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:31,Wait, wait, wait. Maybe you're not
following me.

00:07:32,570 --> 00:07:36,The captain has granted you...