Only When I Laugh s01e02 Operation Norman Subtitles

00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:28,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:33,I know I **, I'm sure I **.

00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:42,I know I **, I'm sure I **. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

00:00:51,650 --> 00:00:52,Today's the day, then?

00:00:52,910 --> 00:00:53,Yes.

00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:55,Cigarette.

00:00:55,970 --> 00:00:58,Should I, before an operation? Go on,
take it. They won't mind.

00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:00,Thanks.

00:01:02,890 --> 00:01:04,Even the condemned man has a last
cigarette.

00:01:06,390 --> 00:01:08,Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:10,What's the matter? Red in the morning,
shepherd's warning.

00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:11,Will you shut up?

00:01:12,730 --> 00:01:13,Are you nervous?

00:01:13,710 --> 00:01:14,Of course he's not nervous.

00:01:15,050 --> 00:01:16,No, I'm not nervous.

00:01:19,630 --> 00:01:20,Of course you're not nervous.

00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:21,No, I'm not.

00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:24,Don't tell me you're not nervous. You
g***t out of bed and prayed three times

00:01:24,890 --> 00:01:27,night. No, I didn't. I was looking for
my cufflinks. Why?

00:01:27,970 --> 00:01:29,You won't be going anywhere, not for a
long time.

00:01:30,310 --> 00:01:31,I don't care. I'm not nervous.

00:01:32,190 --> 00:01:36,I know I'm in good hands. You mean
Thorpe. Do me a favour. He won't be any

00:01:36,490 --> 00:01:37,till he gets the right glasses.

00:01:37,990 --> 00:01:40,He's a very good surgeon. I've been
speaking to some of his patients. They

00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:42,say the same. Well, of course they do.

00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,They're not going to fall out with him,
are they? They might have to go back.

00:01:45,650 --> 00:01:46,Don't forget.

00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:49,He's g***t the only job where they can
scar you for life and get away with it.

00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:54,Don't take any notice, Norman. I'm sure
you've no need to worry. I know Thorpe's

00:01:54,090 --> 00:01:56,a bit, uh... Well, a bit, um... Loony?

00:01:57,310 --> 00:01:59,Harrest! He carries a great deal of
responsibility.

00:02:00,270 --> 00:02:02,But once he gets you in there, he's very
professional.

00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:06,Oh, did you hear that? Isn't it amazing
how the middle classes stick together,

00:02:06,810 --> 00:02:10,eh? Of course he's very professional
with them. He gets the best silver out.

00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:14,They don't get any rusty scalpels. Soon
have you out again playing golf, old

00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:15,chap. Pip -pip. Different for us.

00:02:16,510 --> 00:02:17,It's all cut and thrust.

00:02:17,810 --> 00:02:20,It hasn't done you any harm, Figgis.

00:02:21,310 --> 00:02:25,That's only because of my natural
resistance, my working -class ability to

00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:26,endure pain and suffering.

00:02:27,310 --> 00:02:28,What do you mean?

00:02:28,970 --> 00:02:31,They're to carry you down there kicking
and screaming.

00:02:32,050 --> 00:02:33,You can't stand pain.

00:02:33,630 --> 00:02:35,You can't even stand the sight of blood.

00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,Look what happened when they brought
that chap in with a gashed arm.

00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:39,He had to get off the stretcher to make
room for you.

00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:44,Where's your stiff upper lip, Figgis?
I've chewed it away, mate, like everyone

00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:45,else around here.

00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,Well, I'm not worried. Mother thinks Dr
Thorpe's wonderful.

00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,She says he's g***t a gift for healing.
He's g***t what?

00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:54,She says he has made the thick walk.

00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,Oh, no, he's made a few of them run
before now.

00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,Well,

00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,he did a very good job with me.

00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:02,He removed my appendix as clean as a
whistle.

00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:06,Not much of a scar, either. Mark you
with a body like this, he knew he had to

00:03:06,460 --> 00:03:07,careful.

00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,Yes, he carried it out with absolute
precision.

00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:13,You can hardly call it precision,
Archie. You went in there with chest

00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,Well, that was an administrative
blunder, not his fault. Anyway, it

00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,doing. He told me it was full of
dangerous bacteria.

00:03:20,980 --> 00:03:24,Dangerous bacteria. Don't call a few
great pips dangerous bacteria.

00:03:24,940 --> 00:03:26,I still say he did an excellent job.

00:03:27,380 --> 00:03:28,Yeah, well, that was on Wednesday,
wasn't it?

00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:30,This is Monday.

00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,What's that g***t to do with it? He's
useless on Mondays. He always is when

00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:35,been out with that Gilbert and Sullivan
crowd.

00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:37,I don't see any harm in that. Don't you?

00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:41,Do you know what they call them in the
Red Lion? The Wild Bunch.

00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:45,They g***t thrown out last week for
singing She's Gonna Manage Yum Yum
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,No, you'd have been better off on a
Wednesday.

00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:49,Tuesday's just picking up.

00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:51,Thursday's thinking about the weekend
again.

00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,Mind you, with your appendix, you do
have an advantage.

00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:57,What's that? There's only one of them.
He usually gets confused when he has two

00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,to choose from.

00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:01,Will you shut up, Figgis? Can't you see
you're upsetting Norman? No, he's not.

00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:02,I'm quite calm.

00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,I know my life's in their hands, but I
trust them.

00:04:06,270 --> 00:04:09,They're decent, kindly people, and
they're going to do their best for me.

00:04:10,830 --> 00:04:12,Norman, will you come to the office,
please?

00:04:13,110 --> 00:04:14,There's been another c***k -up.

00:04:15,650 --> 00:04:17,Monday, Monday, everything is going
wrong.

00:04:18,470 --> 00:04:19,I wonder what it can be.

00:04:20,089 --> 00:04:21,We've lost the key to the poison
cupboard again.

00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:30,You've not signed the form.

00:04:31,390 --> 00:04:32,What is it?

00:04:32,430 --> 00:04:33,A consent form for the operation.

00:04:33,830 --> 00:04:36,Why didn't you say you had not signed
it? I didn't know it was important.

00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:40,Of course it's important. If something
went wrong, where would we be? In the

00:04:40,130 --> 00:04:41,fertilizer.

00:04:43,510 --> 00:04:45,I'd better sign it. Yes.

00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:47,What's going to go wrong?

00:04:48,430 --> 00:04:49,Wrong?

00:04:49,770 --> 00:04:51,Nothing is going to go wrong, Norman.

00:04:52,010 --> 00:04:56,The chances of something going wrong
are... Thank goodness, the chances of

00:04:56,450 --> 00:04:59,something going wrong are just...
Astronomical?

00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:00,One thousand to one.

00:05:01,350 --> 00:05:03,Good. Thousand to one?

00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:09,Supposing I'm the one?

00:05:09,940 --> 00:05:13,You will not be the one. It is one
thousand to one that you will be the

00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:14,suppose I **?

00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,Then everything will be fine because you
are signing the form.

00:05:18,740 --> 00:05:21,Well, that won't do me much good. Please
sign the paper.

00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,Mr. Thorpe is a very good man. Nothing
will go wrong.

00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:26,Yes.

00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,Yes, I like the way he always comes in
singing.

00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,He's... Full of beans, isn't he?

00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,Good morning, Doctor.

00:05:37,180 --> 00:05:39,Just signing my form.

00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:43,Yes, well, don't rustle the paper, old
chap. I've g***t a blinding headache.

00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:46,It's for my operation.

00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,Oh, yes, I was forgetting. How are you
feeling?

00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:50,I feel all right.

00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,Good. I'm glad one of us does. I feel
like death.

00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:55,What have you done to your face, Doctor?

00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,Oh, the ad. Cut myself shaving.

00:05:59,950 --> 00:06:02,Look at those eyes, Gupta. Look at the
whites.

00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:04,Oh, dear, yes.

00:06:04,970 --> 00:06:06,They look like a couple of poached eggs.

00:06:07,770 --> 00:06:10,I'm not surprised. What a night we had
last night.

00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:14,Would you like a cup of coffee? Yes,
that should stop the hands shaking.

00:06:16,370 --> 00:06:17,What a morning.

00:06:17,450 --> 00:06:20,Ever had one of those days, Norman, when
you know everything is going to go

00:06:20,610 --> 00:06:21,wrong?

00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:26,Late getting up, couldn't get into the
bathroom. My son was in there trying to

00:06:26,230 --> 00:06:27,turn himself into Dracula again.

00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:29,Don't know why he...