Small Town Big Story s01e06 The Turd Man.eng Movie Subtitles
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00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:05,The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,(MUFFLED SINGING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,(SINGING)
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,Right, come on.
00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:27,You are officially legless.
00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:30,Watch your head.
? Tree in the hole
00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:31,? And the hole in the bog
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:36,? And the bog down to the valley-o ?
00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:38,(CAR HORN HONKS)
Ah, no!
00:00:38,020 --> 00:00:40,(LAUGHS) One more, one more
- on the way. - No.
00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:45,(BIRD CHIRPS)
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,? And the branch on the tree
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,? Tree in the hole
00:00:51,140 --> 00:00:53,? And the ball in the dog
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:56,? And we jog down to the valley-o ?
00:00:56,660 --> 00:00:59,MAN (ON RADIO):
...it's two minutes to midnight...
00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:06,(TENSE MUSIC)
(DRONING)
00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:09,(RADIO CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND)
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:12,(OMINOUS MUSIC)
00:01:17,980 --> 00:01:19,(DRONING)
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:33,(TYRES SCREECH)
00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:35,(CRASH/CAR HORN SOUNDING)
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:49,(THEME MUSIC)
00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:04,? It all happened by accident
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:10,? Bodies without names,
intersecting planes
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:16,? Of their stranger vector veins
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:23,? Europe is incontinent
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:25,? But Phillip's still alive ?
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,I will use this stick
00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:52,and others like it
00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:54,to defend my crops,
00:02:54,380 --> 00:02:56,but first we must whittle.
00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:59,Oh, God.(JUNIOR JOSH CHUCKLES)
This is not good.
00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:01,'Whittle away, my villagers!'
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:02,Whittling? (CHUCKLES)
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:07,Whittle away for the whinter
is whet and whindy.
00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,Is this- Is the final cut?
00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:11,'Whittle away.'
00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:15,Halt! Who goes there?
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,I ** Celt!
00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:23,Is this the guy whose wife
is in prison for stabbing someone?
00:03:23,140 --> 00:03:24,She sporked a banker.
00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:27,Had she just watched this show?
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:30,(LAUGHING)
I think the music works.
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,Thank you, Josh.
Shame about the rest of it.
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,Shut up, Josh.
(CONFERENCE PHONE RINGING)
00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:37,Chet might like it.
(You're gonna get fired.)
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:41,Lame of Thrones.
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:46,Good one, sir.
This show is a mess.
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,- It's a mess.
- OK.
00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:51,So we'll make a few tweaks
in subsequent seasons.
00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:54,- Seasons?
- You wanna make people watch more of this s***t?
00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:56,At one point I booed.
00:03:56,300 --> 00:04:00,Yeah.
You made me boo our own show, Wendy.
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:04,I did this with zero help,
Brad undermined me throughout...
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:06,What?
...Linda just went AWOL,
00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:09,and Josh is...
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,practically blind.
00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:14,Woah, that's crossing a line, now.
What?
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,Josh is blind.
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,Don't be ridiculous,
he's not blind.
00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:19,Err, yes, sir, I ** blind.
(SCOFFS)
00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:21,When did you get blind?
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:24,I have been blind since birth.
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:26,- That's right.
- The glasses are usually the giveaway.
00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:30,You're a blind television executive?
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:34,Our most talented division heads
g***t promoted after the merger, sir.
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,And your division was..?
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:38,Podcasts.
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,You're doing a great job.
00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:45,So, I ** Celt will have its world
premiere in Ireland next week.
00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:47,I cannot wait.
Wendy,
00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:50,you go and introduce this show
in your homeland,
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:51,handle the press,
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,we'll decide what to do with you
when you return.
00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:57,Can anyone else hear a sitar?
00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:01,I gotta go, it's too d***n hot
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:04,in this office.
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,Pack your bags, Wendy.
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:11,? DEAN MARTIN & HELEN O'CONNELL: How
D'Ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,? How do you like your eggs
in the morning?
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:20,? I like mine with a kiss
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:21,? Boiled or fried?
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:27,? I'm satisfied as long as
I get my kiss...
00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:28,Thank you, ladies.
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,(KNOCKING)
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,Seamie?
00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:35,Seamie, are you awake there?
Aye.
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:37,I have something for you.
00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:41,Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry.
No, it came for you this morning.
00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:42,Oh.
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:45,(SIGHS)
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:53,Is it about your doctor's licence?
No, no, that's all sorted.
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,I go back to work today
for better or worse.
00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:58,Well, I'll get these eggs on, so.
00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,Barry?
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:06,It seems I'm a single man again.
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:09,Look at us, the bachelor boys.
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,(SIGHS)
00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:18,(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON THE RADIO)
For the new stout taps.
00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:29,(DOOR CLOSES)
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:37,Holy s***t cakes.
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:47,(LAUGHS)
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,Jesus, that's hot tea.
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:58,He's back, like a migraine.
00:06:58,300 --> 00:06:59,You signed it then?
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:00,Aye.
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,I'm late for school, Seamie,
and you could've texted that.
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:07,My suspension's been lifted
so I'm back to work.
00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:10,Well, Sonny'll be thrilled,
not too sure about the patients
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:14,though, they all loved that Locum,
Dr Perky-t***s.
00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:16,Well, I'm pleased to be back myself.
Aye,
00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:18,well you look like s***t.
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:22,Does it not agree with you,
sleeping in a dead woman's bed?
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,She's not still in it with me,
Catherine.
00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:27,Well, between the tales
of alien abduction
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:29,and the offer to share a deathbed
up at the sheep farm
00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:33,I'd say you're pretty much
the p***y magnet around town.
00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:37,I don't think I've ever heard you
say p***y before
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,and if I'm honest
it seems a bit weird.
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,So now my p***y is weird?
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:44,I'm not saying your p***y is-
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:45,Stop saying p***y!
00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:48,Please!
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,Either of you saying p***y is weird!
00:07:51,780 --> 00:07:53,Joanne,
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:56,thought you were inside.
Nope, I'm right here,
00:07:56,140 --> 00:07:58,haven't missed a word right up
until mum's weird p***y!
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:02,Yeah, I do not have a weird p***y!
Of course you don't!
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,You have...
00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:14,...just a typical p***y.
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,F***k my life!
00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:23,Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo,
00:08:23,260 --> 00:08:25,I'm back at the surgery now so.
OK.
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:30,What's keeping you?
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,A typical p***y?
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:40,(I meant to say tropical.)
00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:41,(SIGHS)
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:45,Get in the car, Matt.
00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:56,? The old...
strong language and adult humour
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,(MUFFLED SINGING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,(SINGING)
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,Right, come on.
00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:27,You are officially legless.
00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:30,Watch your head.
? Tree in the hole
00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:31,? And the hole in the bog
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:36,? And the bog down to the valley-o ?
00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:38,(CAR HORN HONKS)
Ah, no!
00:00:38,020 --> 00:00:40,(LAUGHS) One more, one more
- on the way. - No.
00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:45,(BIRD CHIRPS)
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,? And the branch on the tree
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,? Tree in the hole
00:00:51,140 --> 00:00:53,? And the ball in the dog
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:56,? And we jog down to the valley-o ?
00:00:56,660 --> 00:00:59,MAN (ON RADIO):
...it's two minutes to midnight...
00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:06,(TENSE MUSIC)
(DRONING)
00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:09,(RADIO CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND)
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:12,(OMINOUS MUSIC)
00:01:17,980 --> 00:01:19,(DRONING)
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:33,(TYRES SCREECH)
00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:35,(CRASH/CAR HORN SOUNDING)
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:49,(THEME MUSIC)
00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:04,? It all happened by accident
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:10,? Bodies without names,
intersecting planes
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:16,? Of their stranger vector veins
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:23,? Europe is incontinent
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:25,? But Phillip's still alive ?
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,I will use this stick
00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:52,and others like it
00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:54,to defend my crops,
00:02:54,380 --> 00:02:56,but first we must whittle.
00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:59,Oh, God.(JUNIOR JOSH CHUCKLES)
This is not good.
00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:01,'Whittle away, my villagers!'
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:02,Whittling? (CHUCKLES)
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:07,Whittle away for the whinter
is whet and whindy.
00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,Is this- Is the final cut?
00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:11,'Whittle away.'
00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:15,Halt! Who goes there?
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,I ** Celt!
00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:23,Is this the guy whose wife
is in prison for stabbing someone?
00:03:23,140 --> 00:03:24,She sporked a banker.
00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:27,Had she just watched this show?
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:30,(LAUGHING)
I think the music works.
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,Thank you, Josh.
Shame about the rest of it.
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,Shut up, Josh.
(CONFERENCE PHONE RINGING)
00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:37,Chet might like it.
(You're gonna get fired.)
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:41,Lame of Thrones.
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:46,Good one, sir.
This show is a mess.
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,- It's a mess.
- OK.
00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:51,So we'll make a few tweaks
in subsequent seasons.
00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:54,- Seasons?
- You wanna make people watch more of this s***t?
00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:56,At one point I booed.
00:03:56,300 --> 00:04:00,Yeah.
You made me boo our own show, Wendy.
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:04,I did this with zero help,
Brad undermined me throughout...
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:06,What?
...Linda just went AWOL,
00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:09,and Josh is...
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,practically blind.
00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:14,Woah, that's crossing a line, now.
What?
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,Josh is blind.
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,Don't be ridiculous,
he's not blind.
00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:19,Err, yes, sir, I ** blind.
(SCOFFS)
00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:21,When did you get blind?
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:24,I have been blind since birth.
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:26,- That's right.
- The glasses are usually the giveaway.
00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:30,You're a blind television executive?
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:34,Our most talented division heads
g***t promoted after the merger, sir.
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,And your division was..?
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:38,Podcasts.
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,You're doing a great job.
00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:45,So, I ** Celt will have its world
premiere in Ireland next week.
00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:47,I cannot wait.
Wendy,
00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:50,you go and introduce this show
in your homeland,
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:51,handle the press,
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,we'll decide what to do with you
when you return.
00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:57,Can anyone else hear a sitar?
00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:01,I gotta go, it's too d***n hot
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:04,in this office.
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,Pack your bags, Wendy.
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:11,? DEAN MARTIN & HELEN O'CONNELL: How
D'Ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,? How do you like your eggs
in the morning?
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:20,? I like mine with a kiss
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:21,? Boiled or fried?
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:27,? I'm satisfied as long as
I get my kiss...
00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:28,Thank you, ladies.
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,(KNOCKING)
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,Seamie?
00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:35,Seamie, are you awake there?
Aye.
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:37,I have something for you.
00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:41,Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry.
No, it came for you this morning.
00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:42,Oh.
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:45,(SIGHS)
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:53,Is it about your doctor's licence?
No, no, that's all sorted.
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,I go back to work today
for better or worse.
00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:58,Well, I'll get these eggs on, so.
00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,Barry?
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:06,It seems I'm a single man again.
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:09,Look at us, the bachelor boys.
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,(SIGHS)
00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:18,(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON THE RADIO)
For the new stout taps.
00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:29,(DOOR CLOSES)
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:37,Holy s***t cakes.
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:47,(LAUGHS)
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,Jesus, that's hot tea.
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:58,He's back, like a migraine.
00:06:58,300 --> 00:06:59,You signed it then?
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:00,Aye.
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,I'm late for school, Seamie,
and you could've texted that.
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:07,My suspension's been lifted
so I'm back to work.
00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:10,Well, Sonny'll be thrilled,
not too sure about the patients
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:14,though, they all loved that Locum,
Dr Perky-t***s.
00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:16,Well, I'm pleased to be back myself.
Aye,
00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:18,well you look like s***t.
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:22,Does it not agree with you,
sleeping in a dead woman's bed?
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,She's not still in it with me,
Catherine.
00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:27,Well, between the tales
of alien abduction
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:29,and the offer to share a deathbed
up at the sheep farm
00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:33,I'd say you're pretty much
the p***y magnet around town.
00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:37,I don't think I've ever heard you
say p***y before
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,and if I'm honest
it seems a bit weird.
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,So now my p***y is weird?
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:44,I'm not saying your p***y is-
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:45,Stop saying p***y!
00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:48,Please!
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,Either of you saying p***y is weird!
00:07:51,780 --> 00:07:53,Joanne,
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:56,thought you were inside.
Nope, I'm right here,
00:07:56,140 --> 00:07:58,haven't missed a word right up
until mum's weird p***y!
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:02,Yeah, I do not have a weird p***y!
Of course you don't!
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,You have...
00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:14,...just a typical p***y.
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,F***k my life!
00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:23,Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo,
00:08:23,260 --> 00:08:25,I'm back at the surgery now so.
OK.
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:30,What's keeping you?
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,A typical p***y?
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:40,(I meant to say tropical.)
00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:41,(SIGHS)
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:45,Get in the car, Matt.
00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:56,? The old...
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