Small Town Big Story s01e05 The Pen Is Mighty.eng Movie Subtitles

00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:05,The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:17,(PHONE CHIMES)
No.

00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,BRAD: 'Wendy? What is that?'
ASTRID: 'Hey!'

00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,Brad? Christ.
(PHONE CHIMING)

00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,Good morning.
'Well, it may be there

00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,but it's not morning here
and it's not good.'

00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,'Are we looking at her ear?

00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,We have a bit of a problem, Wendy.'

00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,Josh is here. Hey, man.
Hiya, mate.

00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,There they are! (LAUGHS)
I trust the wrap party went well?

00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,Yeah, fun. Lots of it.
Er, looks like we woke you, Wendy.

00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,Astrid in Amsterdam? I thought
you were on, um, maternity leave?

00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,Well, yeah, I'm supposed to be.
That's a cute fuckin' baby.

00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,So I wanted to jump on
as we were concerned

00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,about a copyright issue
regarding I ** Celt

00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,that came via our London office.

00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,So, Derek will catch you up.

00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,Hiya, mate! Nice to see you!

00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,Is it?
Well, turns out

00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,we don't actually own the rights...
(BABY CRYING)

00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,...to the book.
But, well...

00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,I mean, the writer of the show
wrote the book

00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,so...
Not according to Publishing House.

00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,Book author has a different name,
and we don't have

00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,an authorised signatory
for our contracts.

00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,(DEEP EXHALE)

00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,So, er, every day we don't have

00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,official signature is a risk.

00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,And obviously,
I ** Celt will never make it

00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,to the big screen
until we get it, yeah.

00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,(WHISPERS) Why ** I here?
Well, this is my hotel room.

00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:50,So, it goes without saying,
although I'll say it,

00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,we need the official sign-off
from the rights holder ASAP

00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,as possible.
Yeah, I'll get right on that,

00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,I'm sure it's just
an oversight or something.

00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,Maybe ask the author
about some of the...

00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,historical inaccuracies
we're seeing in the early cuts.

00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,- What?
- Er, we're the studio that made Tall Napoleon.

00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:08,You guys all read the source
material. Isn't it all in the book?

00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,No.
No.

00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:14,But if I were you, I'd have a little
tete-a-tete with the screenwriter,

00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,since it was you who did the deal
on the book in the first place.

00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,Yeah.
(PHONE CHIMES)

00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,Great to see you, Wendy!
- Hey! Hey Carl! - Hey Carl!

00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,(EXCITABLE GREETINGS)
Oh, Carl from Catering's here!

00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,OK, well, I'd better
track down that writer.

00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,(OVERLAPPING, CHEERFUL GOODBYES)
Absolutely. Thanks, guys.

00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,(SIGHS)

00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:36,Why ** I in your room?

00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,Was exactly the question I asked
as you poured yourself into my bed,

00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,but alas, you weren't awake
long enough to answer it.

00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,Worry not, Wendy darling.
Nothing happened.

00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:49,I've just been sitting here
listening to you snore,

00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,like a pretty little pig.

00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,I don't think dairy is your friend.

00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,Why is the book not registered
in your name, Jack?

00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,Macchiato?

00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,I'm presuming it's a mix-up?

00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,Do you know what your lanky friend,
Napoleon, said about history?

00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,Why ** I in your room?
No, no.

00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,He said that, "History

00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,is a set of lies agreed upon."
Isn't that clever?

00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,(SLURPS DRINK)
You assured me

00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:21,that your manuscript underwent
standard academic sourcing,

00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,and now my colleagues are...
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,I would love to tell you
which words are gospel

00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,and which are embellishment.

00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,Sadly I just don't know.
Well, why don't you know?

00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,You wrote the f***g book.
Well... (SCOFFS)

00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,And I think you'll find this funny.

00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,Please tell me you wrote the book.

00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,Get the f***k out of your room.

00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,? THE BONK: Future 87 ?

00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,? It all happened

00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,? By accident

00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:04,? Bodies without names
intersecting planes

00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:12,? Of their strange vector veins

00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,? Europe is

00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,? Incontinent

00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,? But Philip's still alive... ?

00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:47,Wendy? I'm well-acquainted
with the actual author, of course.

00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,Your name is on the f***g cover.

00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,Wendy? Wendy?!

00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,Our night may have ended tamely,
but we shared a cuddle

00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,on the dancefloor that would've
made Beelzebub blush.

00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,Where the hell is the author, Jack?
We need their signature.

00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,In the beautiful industrial city
of Birmingham!

00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,We could visit? Oh...

00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,Get your passport, dipshit.

00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,I'll catch you later, so!

00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,WOMAN: Good morning, sir.

00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,Miss! Miss,
Brendan's about to show hole.

00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,Would you put that toga down,
Brendan?

00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,Right, look, let's summarise.

00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:35,Men of Rome, what say ye?

00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,We Romans hate you Celtic hordes!

00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,But what are your specific
objections to the Celts,

00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,based on a millennium of conflicts?

00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,The Celts are accused on three
counts: you drink too much...

00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:52,(CHEERING)

00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,...you sing too much...
(LAUGHTER)

00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,...and you allow women
far too much power.

00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,(JEERING)
You little b***d.

00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,You can't say...
Alright, alright.

00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,Calm down before
I have to roll over you.

00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,(LAUGHTER)

00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,So, you're telling me that any

00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,male roman citizen could
accuse someone of a crime

00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,and then prosecute him or her?
(CLASSMATES MURMUR)

00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,That's right.
And all I have to say is,

00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,she's my wife and she cheated on me
and she stole my chariot.

00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,(CAR HORN BEEPS)

00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,The power women once had

00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,is a fair contrast to today though.

00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,In birth, death and love.

00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,Women had more sexual freedom

00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,in ancient Celtic society.

00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,It was a polygamous
and polyandrous culture...

00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,...meaning both men and women

00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,could have multiple spouses.

00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,Love gave way to life
and death back then,

00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,so the idea of betrayal
was an alien one.

00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,And if you did feel shame,

00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,at least you wouldn't live
long enough to die from it.

00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,(OLD WESTERN-STYLE GUNSHOT)

00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,It was a good time for men.
They just need to remember that.

00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,Seamie,...