The.Goldbergs.2013.S10E15.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng] Subtitles

00:00:01,173 --> 00:00:02,Back in the '80s,
my brother, Barry,

00:00:02,623 --> 00:00:05,never thought things through
and always took big swings.

00:00:05,522 --> 00:00:07,Luckily, he found a woman

00:00:07,145 --> 00:00:09,who could appreciate him
for all he was,

00:00:09,871 --> 00:00:11,his equally eccentric
girlfriend, Joanne.

00:00:11,873 --> 00:00:14,Ah, the board
of opportunities.

00:00:14,531 --> 00:00:18,So many flyers, so many dreams,
so many drummers wanted.

00:00:18,535 --> 00:00:21,Ooh! "Do you
want to meet lonely singles
in your area?"

00:00:21,573 --> 00:00:24,"Shapely ladies are waiting
for your call."

00:00:24,162 --> 00:00:26,I already g***t the shapeliest
lady on the planet.

00:00:26,854 --> 00:00:28,Yeah, you do.

00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:30,Oh, crap! I gotta go.

00:00:30,547 --> 00:00:32,I'm helping a woman sue the man
who ran over her toe.

00:00:32,687 --> 00:00:34,It's super gross
and jacked up.

00:00:34,137 --> 00:00:35,I'm totally gonna win.

00:00:39,418 --> 00:00:41,"Luxury apartment"?

00:00:41,006 --> 00:00:42,Oh, a reader. Nice.

00:00:42,663 --> 00:00:44,What's your current
living situation, friend?

00:00:44,492 --> 00:00:45,I live in my childhood home

00:00:45,562 --> 00:00:47,and share a room
with my little brother.

00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,Sounds like you could use
a place to yourself,

00:00:48,807 --> 00:00:50,one with
all the amenities.

00:00:50,636 --> 00:00:51,What amenities?

00:00:51,741 --> 00:00:53,A blonde woman in her 50s
who cooks for you?

00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:56,Almost!
We have sink and window.

00:00:56,573 --> 00:00:59,And as a bonus, I'll throw in
easy access to the outside

00:00:59,404 --> 00:01:00,and all that has to offer.

00:01:00,991 --> 00:01:02,Sounds great, but there's
only one problem,

00:01:02,890 --> 00:01:04,I don't have any money.

00:01:04,202 --> 00:01:06,You don't need money when you
have something called credit.

00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:08,Let me ask you,
Are you familiar with

00:01:08,171 --> 00:01:09,the predatory lending laws
of Pennsylvania?

00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:11,- No.
- Why would you be?

00:01:11,278 --> 00:01:12,They're so dern annoying.

00:01:12,589 --> 00:01:14,- Blech!
- I gotta think about it.

00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,Sorry, it's a very
competitive marketplace,

00:01:15,937 --> 00:01:17,and I have several
qualified applicants.

00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:19,No!

00:01:19,286 --> 00:01:20,- I'll take it.
- Good man.

00:01:20,770 --> 00:01:22,Your swanky bachelor pad awaits.

00:01:22,289 --> 00:01:23,Quick question,
Do you own a cat?

00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,- No.
- Oh, I would get one.

00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,I would get
a very large cat.

00:01:26,569 --> 00:01:28,Okay, let's sign
these documents.

00:01:28,433 --> 00:01:29,And, no,
I do not have a pen.

00:01:29,710 --> 00:01:30,I g***t one.

00:01:33,231 --> 00:01:34,♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:38,♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

00:01:40,755 --> 00:01:42,♪ I don't know the future ♪

00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:47,It was March 1st,
1980-something,

00:01:47,797 --> 00:01:50,and my mom was returning
from another fulfilling day

00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,as the Quaker Warden
at William Penn Academy.

00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:54,Home from school.

00:01:54,769 --> 00:01:56,We have any Capri Sun?

00:01:56,081 --> 00:01:57,You know where it is.

00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:59,Now, tell me all the news
of the outside world,

00:01:59,015 --> 00:02:00,'cause I've been cooped up
in here with the little one.

00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:03,Erica, Joe said the funniest
thing today.

00:02:03,468 --> 00:02:05,Joe... as in Mr. Perott,

00:02:05,608 --> 00:02:06,the school's
guidance counselor?

00:02:06,712 --> 00:02:08,Joe is so funny.

00:02:08,438 --> 00:02:11,Now, you wouldn't know this
just by looking at Joe, but...

00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:13,Today,
in the teachers' lounge...

00:02:14,824 --> 00:02:17,I dropped my Del Monte yogurt
on the floor.

00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:19,And then Joe comes by
and says,

00:02:19,415 --> 00:02:21,"Finally, some culture
in this place."

00:02:21,727 --> 00:02:22,Get it?

00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:25,'Cause yogurt has cultures
of bacteria.

00:02:25,317 --> 00:02:27,Oh, he's so funny,
that Joe!

00:02:27,354 --> 00:02:29,You seem to be
saying "Joe" a lot.

00:02:29,356 --> 00:02:31,We're colleagues.
I say people's names.

00:02:31,496 --> 00:02:32,- Stop being weird.
- It's fine.

00:02:32,911 --> 00:02:34,Let me make you
a snacky,

00:02:34,257 --> 00:02:35,and you can tell me all about
your little crush.

00:02:35,741 --> 00:02:37,Ew, um...

00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:39,The only crush I have
is on my children.

00:02:39,918 --> 00:02:41,Joe and I are just friends.

00:02:41,126 --> 00:02:42,Friends, huh?

00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,Well, I want you ask yourself
these three questions,

00:02:44,716 --> 00:02:46,Do you get excited
being around Joe?

00:02:46,511 --> 00:02:48,Excited? No.

00:02:48,513 --> 00:02:50,Eager and enthusiastic?
Sure.

00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:54,Sleepless energy that crackles
with electricity?

00:02:54,898 --> 00:02:55,Kind of.

00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,Do you do things
to get his attention?

00:02:57,384 --> 00:02:58,Never.

00:02:58,488 --> 00:03:01,I mean, do I bake him
endless cakes and pies? Yes.

00:03:01,146 --> 00:03:03,Do I write cute little notes
and put 'em in his cubby?

00:03:03,562 --> 00:03:04,Of course I do.

00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,Do I make faces at him
in the carpool line?

00:03:07,773 --> 00:03:09,How could I not?

00:03:09,327 --> 00:03:12,And, lastly, do you get easily
flustered being around him?

00:03:12,053 --> 00:03:13,Absolutely not.

00:03:13,503 --> 00:03:14,Oh, hi, Mr. Perott.

00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:15,Ah! All the vomit!

00:03:17,058 --> 00:03:19,- You have a crush.
- I have a crush.

00:03:19,302 --> 00:03:20,Well, what do I do now?

00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,I already rejected him when we
were on the yearbook committee.

00:03:23,686 --> 00:03:24,Oh, don't worry.

00:03:24,825 --> 00:03:26,Men are just lifeless
lumps of clay

00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,begging to be manipulated.

00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,Watch and learn.

00:03:29,312 --> 00:03:31,Hey, hon, it's your turn
on diaper duty.

00:03:31,314 --> 00:03:32,And, sorry, it's atomic.

00:03:32,591 --> 00:03:34,There's the guy I picked.

00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,I just wanted
to take a second

00:03:35,353 --> 00:03:37,before I change the diaper
to compliment you.

00:03:37,527 --> 00:03:38,Okay, take two seconds.

00:03:38,735 --> 00:03:41,This fella isn't above
receiving a word bouquet.

00:03:41,048 --> 00:03:43,Your thighs are looking
so attractive.

00:03:43,775 --> 00:03:46,What? You can see them through
my relaxed-fit corduroys?

00:03:46,502 --> 00:03:47,Oh, big time!

00:03:47,572 --> 00:03:48,Have you been
hitting that machine

00:03:48,918 --> 00:03:50,that nobody uses
at the gym?

00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,It's always the least sweaty,
so, yeah.

00:03:51,886 --> 00:03:53,Well, hubba-hubba.

00:03:53,612 --> 00:03:55,I just wish that I had the time
to get some reps in myself.

00:03:55,890 --> 00:03:57,I must look so gross
to you.

00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,Impossible. You are a vision.

00:03:59,377 --> 00:04:01,Well, maybe I'll just
let myself go,

00:04:01,965 --> 00:04:04,be one of the big ladies
in the "Guinness Book."

00:04:04,382 --> 00:04:05,You know, they're smiling
in the picture,

00:04:05,693 --> 00:04:06,so maybe they're happy.

00:04:06,936 --> 00:04:08,Okay, you know what?
I have an idea.

00:04:08,351 --> 00:04:10,Why don't I just worry
about Muriel

00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,and you take all the time
you need to feel your best?

00:04:12,562 --> 00:04:13,My gracious!

00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:17,What a crazy idea
you totally came up with.

00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:18,All right, now hustle off,

00:04:18,119 --> 00:04:19,'cause the stink
is hitting my nose hairs.

00:04:22,158 --> 00:04:24,Dumb and done.
Good luck with your crush.

00:04:24,747 --> 00:04:26,While Erica was
getting my mom ready

00:04:26,473 --> 00:04:27,to make a move
on Mr. Perott,

00:04:27,991 --> 00:04:29,Barry was getting ready
to move out.

00:04:29,993 --> 00:04:32,I never thought
I'd see the day!

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