The Onion Movie Aac5 1--eng (2008) Subtitles

At 00:00:36,470, Character said: You can always count on
"The Onion" to get the story.

2
At 00:00:38,972, Character said: It's America's Finest
News Source.

3
At 00:00:42,910, Character said: And now, "The Onion News:
America's Finest News Source,"

4
At 00:00:48,816, Character said: featuring Dana Dobbs,

5
At 00:00:50,984, Character said: Senior Correspondent,
Kip Kendall,

6
At 00:00:53,621, Character said: and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.

7
At 00:00:57,291, Character said: We begin today
with news from Detroit.

8
At 00:00:59,827, Character said: Where auto making giant, American
Automotive announced a safety recall

9
At 00:01:03,297, Character said: of all 2,004 cars
containing neck belts.

10
At 00:01:07,101, Character said: The neck belts
introduced last month

11
At 00:01:09,237, Character said: in an attempt to reduce
head injuries,

12
At 00:01:11,239, Character said: have been found to cause
crushed tracheas,

13
At 00:01:13,474, Character said: severe spinal damage,
and violent decapitation.

14
At 00:01:16,410, Character said: Daddy, come!
Hi, dad!

15
At 00:01:24,318, Character said: Today, the U.S. military announced an
innovative new plan to draw new recruits.

16
At 00:01:29,857, Character said: You sign up, right now.

17
At 00:01:32,426, Character said: You get one pair
of Ozzfest tickets

18
At 00:01:35,296, Character said: and a set of mud flaps
for your truck.

19
At 00:01:38,132, Character said: Then, after six months
of active duty,

20
At 00:01:40,534, Character said: you are eligible to receive
an ounce of weed.

21
At 00:01:45,206, Character said: Sweet!

22
At 00:01:47,541, Character said: And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.

23
At 00:01:51,845, Character said: You're f***g lying,
I get some more...

24
At 00:01:54,615, Character said: And if you serve a tour duty
during a foreign conflict,

25
At 00:01:57,851, Character said: you will receive
upon your discharge this:

26
At 00:02:01,955, Character said: A hot bitch poster.

27
At 00:02:03,657, Character said: Sign me up!

28
At 00:02:08,696, Character said: The internet went down
for three hours this morning,

29
At 00:02:11,632, Character said: plunging the nation
into productivity.

30
At 00:02:14,968, Character said: The outage which caused major work
startages from New York to California,

31
At 00:02:19,373, Character said: prevented an estimated
120 million American employees

32
At 00:02:23,911, Character said: from messing around
on the Web at work.

33
At 00:02:27,415, Character said: More "Onion" news after this.

34
At 00:02:29,850, Character said: In a world without justice,

35
At 00:02:33,921, Character said: where the strong prey
on the weak,

36
At 00:02:45,666, Character said: one man must face
the ultimate challenge.

37
At 00:02:48,502, Character said: Master, how did they defeat me?

38
At 00:02:51,171, Character said: They used an ancient technique that strikes
at the very core of a warriors' strength.

39
At 00:02:59,513, Character said: This attack,
there is no defense.

40
At 00:03:02,350, Character said: Master, will you teach me?

41
At 00:03:04,518, Character said: You are not yet ready, my son.

42
At 00:03:07,355, Character said: I'm ready, Master.

43
At 00:03:11,392, Character said: No, you are not.
You have much to learn.

44
At 00:03:16,029, Character said: You, my young pupil,
shall become a cockpuncher.

45
At 00:03:21,569, Character said: From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

46
At 00:03:23,404, Character said: Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".

47
At 00:03:29,710, Character said: No!

48
At 00:03:41,389, Character said: "Cockpuncher."

49
At 00:03:42,590, Character said: I don't think
you have the balls.

50
At 00:03:46,159, Character said: From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

51
At 00:03:47,961, Character said: That looks awesome!

52
At 00:03:50,097, Character said: Sure it does, kids.

53
At 00:03:51,832, Character said: A real whack in the nutsack.

54
At 00:03:54,001, Character said: Honey?

55
At 00:03:55,168, Character said: Have you seen
my good, black socks?

56
At 00:03:59,239, Character said: Mommy, look!

57
At 00:04:00,107, Character said: Honey?

58
At 00:04:02,410, Character said: If you've seen news happening,

59
At 00:04:04,177, Character said: call "The Onion News" Hotline.

60
At 00:04:06,980, Character said: Honey?

61
At 00:04:08,181, Character said: I cannot find
my good, black socks!

62
At 00:04:13,020, Character said: Hello? "Onion News?"

63
At 00:04:32,940, Character said: We are here live,
with a breaking news story.

64
At 00:04:35,008, Character said: Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.

65
At 00:04:39,179, Character said: Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?

66
At 00:04:42,883, Character said: Sure I g***t up
this normal morning.

67
At 00:04:46,954, Character said: Kids are downstairs.

68
At 00:04:48,389, Character said: And my wife's cooking breakfast.

69
At 00:04:51,625, Character said: And all of sudden, you know, I notice
that my good, black socks are missing.

70
At 00:04:56,830, Character said: Here's your boy, ma'**.
Safe and sound.

71
At 00:04:59,700, Character said: Oh, thanks, thanks.

72
At 00:05:02,135, Character said: Sweetie, look!

73
At 00:05:05,005, Character said: "The Onion" news van!

74
At 00:05:06,306, Character said: Yeah...

75
At 00:05:10,010, Character said: In other news,
a local eight-year-old

76
At 00:05:12,045, Character said: accidentally exercised his second
amendment rights yesterday,

77
At 00:05:15,716, Character said: when he blew off his head with
his father's semi-automatic rifle.

78
At 00:05:19,753, Character said: The fatal incident is being
hailed by gun rights activists

79
At 00:05:23,190, Character said: as a victory for America
and the Constitution.

80
At 00:05:30,731, Character said: Nobody move!

81
At 00:05:32,199, Character said: Unless you want
your head blown off.

82
At 00:05:34,835, Character said: You!

83
At 00:05:36,203, Character said: Please, please don't shoot me.

84
At 00:05:38,205, Character said: I'll give you
however much you want.

85
At 00:05:39,630, Character said: You think I want money?

86
At 00:05:42,410, Character said: You think that's what
this is about?

87
At 00:05:44,912, Character said: A big gang black man comes walking in,
waving a gun,

88
At 00:05:47,881, Character said: and you assume
he's robbing the place?

89
At 00:05:50,117, Character said: I ain't looking
for no goddamned handout.

90
At 00:05:52,019, Character said: I'm looking for
a motherfucking job, bitch.

91
At 00:05:54,254, Character said: Excuse me?

92
At 00:05:55,122, Character said: You heard me.

93
At 00:05:56,256, Character said: A mothafucking job!

94
At 00:05:58,258, Character said: Don't you see?

95
At 00:05:59,927, Character said: You give me money,
that'll just help me in the short-term.

96
At 00:06:02,233, Character said: But a job!

97
At 00:06:03,631, Character said: That'll help me develop
valuable job skills and experience.

98
At 00:06:07,535, Character said: It's like teaching a man
how to fish.

99
At 00:06:09,570, Character said: So quick stalling,
get your bitch a***s back there,

100
At 00:06:12,706, Character said: and give me
a 40 hour a week position,

101
At 00:06:16,076, Character said: with vacation pay and benefits,
you piece of s***t, mothafucker,

102
At 00:06:20,414, Character said: and don't make me ask twice.

103
At 00:06:22,115, Character said: Back that a***s up.

104
At 00:06:23,817, Character said: Lets go, lets go!

105
At 00:06:25,085, Character said: Can I help the next
mothafucking person in line?

106
At 00:06:26,990, Character said: You in that apricot
sweater suit.

107
At 00:06:28,556, Character said: Get your bitch a***s
on over here, now!

108
At 00:06:30,624, Character said: How can I help you today?

109
At 00:06:32,292, Character said: I'd like to deposit this check,
please, into my savings account

110
At 00:06:35,896, Character said: - and then I need to withdraw...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

111
At 00:06:37,961, Character said: Just-just-just shut the f***k up
for a minute.

112
At 00:06:40,901, Character said: The f***k you doing, Liz Anne?

113
At 00:06:42,603, Character said: You calling the cops?

114
At 00:06:43,504, Character said: No.

115
At 00:06:44,137, Character said: That's a goddamned cop?

116
At 00:06:46,006, Character said: No, I swear. I was just
on with an account holder,

117
At 00:06:47,991, Character said: I was advising him about...

118
At 00:06:49,109, Character said: I'm gonna kill you, bitch.

119
At 00:06:52,412, Character said: Who the f***k is this, you a cop?

120
At 00:06:55,616, Character said: Yeah, what I would recommend is that
you keep at least 500 in your checking,

121
At 00:06:57,785, Character said: just to avoid
a minimum balance fee,

122
At 00:06:59,453, Character said: and put the rest
in a money market,

123
At 00:07:00,921, Character said: which will earn you an
additional two percent interest.

124
At 00:07:03,106, Character said: Three percent, if you keep
your account open for 3,000.

125
At 00:07:05,310, Character said: Right.

126
At 00:07:06,193, Character said: You have a nice day, sir.

127
At 00:07:07,260, Character said: My pleasure.

128
At 00:07:08,361, Character said: And feel free
to call us back anytime,

129
At 00:07:09,866, Character said: if you have any other questions.

130
At 00:07:18,138, Character said: Liz Anne.

131
At 00:07:19,272, Character said: Sorry.

132
At 00:07:20,508, Character said: My bad.

133
At 00:07:22,375, Character said: That's okay.

134
At 00:07:23,043, Character said: A honest mistake.

135
At 00:07:24,978, Character said: Armed Gunman.

136
At 00:07:27,548, Character said: I've been...