The.Onion.Movie.2008.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-eng Subtitles

00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,You can always count on
"The Onion" to get the story.

00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,It's America's Finest
News Source.

00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:48,And now, "The Onion News:
America's Finest News Source,"

00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,featuring Dana Dobbs,

00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,Senior Correspondent,
Kip Kendall,

00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.

00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,We begin today
with news from Detroit.

00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:03,Where auto making giant, American
Automotive announced a safety recall

00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:07,of all 2,004 cars
containing neck belts.

00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,The neck belts
introduced last month

00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,in an attempt to reduce
head injuries,

00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,have been found to cause
crushed tracheas,

00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,severe spinal damage,
and violent decapitation.

00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:21,Daddy, come!
Hi, dad!

00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:29,Today, the U.S. military announced an
innovative new plan to draw new recruits.

00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,You sign up, right now.

00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,You get one pair
of Ozzfest tickets

00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,and a set of mud flaps
for your truck.

00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,Then, after six months
of active duty,

00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:45,you are eligible to receive
an ounce of weed.

00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:47,Sweet!

00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:51,And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.

00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,You're f***g lying,
I get some more...

00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,And if you serve a tour duty
during a foreign conflict,

00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:01,you will receive
upon your discharge this:

00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,A hot bitch poster.

00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,Sign me up!

00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,The internet went down
for three hours this morning,

00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,plunging the nation
into productivity.

00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:19,The outage which caused major work
startages from New York to California,

00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:23,prevented an estimated
120 million American employees

00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,from messing around
on the Web at work.

00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,More "Onion" news after this.

00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:33,In a world without justice,

00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,where the strong prey
on the weak,

00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,one man must face
the ultimate challenge.

00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,Master, how did they defeat me?

00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,They used an ancient technique that strikes
at the very core of a warriors' strength.

00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,This attack,
there is no defense.

00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,Master, will you teach me?

00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,You are not yet ready, my son.

00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:11,I'm ready, Master.

00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,No, you are not.
You have much to learn.

00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:21,You, my young pupil,
shall become a cockpuncher.

00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:27,Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".

00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,No!

00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,"Cockpuncher."

00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,I don't think
you have the balls.

00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:47,From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,That looks awesome!

00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,Sure it does, kids.

00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,A real whack in the nutsack.

00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,Honey?

00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,Have you seen
my good, black socks?

00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,Mommy, look!

00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,Honey?

00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,If you've seen news happening,

00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:06,call "The Onion News" Hotline.

00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,Honey?

00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:12,I cannot find
my good, black socks!

00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,Hello? "Onion News?"

00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,We are here live,
with a breaking news story.

00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:39,Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.

00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?

00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:46,Sure I g***t up
this normal morning.

00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,Kids are downstairs.

00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,And my wife's cooking breakfast.

00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:56,And all of sudden, you know, I notice
that my good, black socks are missing.

00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,Here's your boy, ma'**.
Safe and sound.

00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,Oh, thanks, thanks.

00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,Sweetie, look!

00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,"The Onion" news van!

00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,Yeah...

00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,In other news,
a local eight-year-old

00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,accidentally exercised his second
amendment rights yesterday,

00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:19,when he blew off his head with
his father's semi-automatic rifle.

00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,The fatal incident is being
hailed by gun rights activists

00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:26,as a victory for America
and the Constitution.

00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,Nobody move!

00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,Unless you want
your head blown off.

00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,You!

00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,Please, please don't shoot me.

00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,I'll give you
however much you want.

00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:42,You think I want money?

00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,You think that's what
this is about?

00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,A big gang black man comes walking in,
waving a gun,

00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,and you assume
he's robbing the place?

00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,I ain't looking
for no goddamned handout.

00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,I'm looking for
a motherfucking job, bitch.

00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:55,Excuse me?

00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,You heard me.

00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,A mothafucking job!

00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,Don't you see?

00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,You give me money,
that'll just help me in the short-term.

00:06:02,233 --> 00:06:03,But a job!

00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:07,That'll help me develop
valuable job skills and experience.

00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,It's like teaching a man
how to fish.

00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,So quick stalling,
get your bitch a***s back there,

00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,and give me
a 40 hour a week position,

00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:20,with vacation pay and benefits,
you piece of s***t, mothafucker,

00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,and don't make me ask twice.

00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,Back that a***s up.

00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,Lets go, lets go!

00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,Can I help the next
mothafucking person in line?

00:06:26,990 --> 00:06:28,You in that apricot
sweater suit.

00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,Get your bitch a***s
on over here, now!

00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,How can I help you today?

00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,I'd like to deposit this check,
please, into my savings account

00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,- and then I need to withdraw...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:37,961 --> 00:06:40,Just-just-just shut the f***k up
for a minute.

00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,The f***k you doing, Liz Anne?

00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,You calling the cops?

00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,No.

00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,That's a goddamned cop?

00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,No, I swear. I was just
on with an account holder,

00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,I was advising him about...

00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,I'm gonna kill you, bitch.

00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,Who the f***k is this, you a cop?

00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,Yeah, what I would recommend is that
you keep at least 500 in your checking,

00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,just to avoid
a minimum balance fee,

00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,and put the rest
in a money market,

00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,which will earn you an
additional two percent interest.

00:07:03,106 --> 00:07:05,Three percent, if you keep
your account open for 3,000.

00:07:05,310 --> 00:07:06,Right.

00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,You have a nice day, sir.

00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,My pleasure.

00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,And feel free
to call us back anytime,

00:07:09,866 --> 00:07:13,if you have any other questions.

00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,Liz Anne.

00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,Sorry.

00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:22,My bad.

00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,That's okay.

00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,A honest mistake.

00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,Armed Gunman.

00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:32,I've been...