The.Decoy.Bride.20111.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.**] Subtitles

00:00:36,918 --> 00:00:42,Throngs of people outside still
waiting for the bride to appear.

00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:44,She's not in there.
I can feel it.

00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:47,Any moment now,
she should be leaving the hotel.

00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,I overestimated her.
I thought she'd be more elusive.

00:01:11,295 --> 00:01:14,-I don't understand what's happening.
-What is going on here?

00:01:21,170 --> 00:01:25,I don't think they want us to
know which one the real bride is.

00:02:14,505 --> 00:02:17,The streets are full of brides,
the skies are full of brides,

00:02:17,547 --> 00:02:19,the press doesn't know which way is up.

00:02:19,547 --> 00:02:22,I'm a genius.
Still no sign of Marco Ballani?

00:02:22,787 --> 00:02:23,None.

00:02:23,214 --> 00:02:25,Our intelligence says he's gone skiing.

00:02:25,058 --> 00:02:26,Gone skiing. Now?

00:02:26,505 --> 00:02:28,Then we're good.

00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,Hello?

00:03:00,715 --> 00:03:04,You! What the hell are you doing in there?

00:03:04,049 --> 00:03:05,I ** the wedding photographer.

00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:07,Can I have the tall people at the back?

00:03:07,841 --> 00:03:11,-OK, buster, fun's over.
-How long have you been in there?

00:03:11,716 --> 00:03:14,Oh, my God. This is not soda.

00:03:15,758 --> 00:03:17,I'm gonna kill you!

00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:31,You are ruining my life!

00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:33,I've ruined plenty of lives.

00:03:34,717 --> 00:03:36,You're nothing special.

00:03:41,176 --> 00:03:43,You abscess!

00:03:43,009 --> 00:03:48,When I do get married, you will not
even know what continent I'm on!

00:03:55,926 --> 00:03:59,Marco Ballani, you golden Roman god!

00:03:59,509 --> 00:04:03,I will not be defeated by that disease of a man.

00:04:03,218 --> 00:04:06,We're gonna have to disappear completely.

00:04:07,219 --> 00:04:10,We can get married in outer space.

00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:13,Or the lost underwater kingdom of Atlantis?

00:04:13,885 --> 00:04:15,Outer space? I don't think you can yet.

00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:18,Is that what your intelligence tells you?

00:04:19,386 --> 00:04:22,We're gonna have to go
somewhere crazy remote.

00:05:24,055 --> 00:05:26,Hi, Mum.

00:05:29,389 --> 00:05:31,Oh, no.

00:05:32,139 --> 00:05:35,-What's happened?
-Nothing. I'm fine.

00:05:39,722 --> 00:05:45,-I'm fine.
-Well, that's good.
Just so long as you're fine.

00:05:46,098 --> 00:05:47,Are you going somewhere?

00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,I don't suppose you're in
the mood for a wedding?

00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:54,There is somebody out there for you,

00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:57,somebody sensitive and faithful and kind.

00:05:57,265 --> 00:05:59,But you'll never meet him if you're hiding here.

00:05:59,848 --> 00:06:03,Good. I don't want to meet him.
He sounds like a twat.

00:06:03,057 --> 00:06:06,Anyway, I'm like kryptonite to men.

00:06:06,474 --> 00:06:09,Kryptonite dipped in cellulite.

00:06:10,932 --> 00:06:15,So, what's new on Hegg? Give me the headlines.

00:06:15,099 --> 00:06:17,One of Donald's sheep drowned.

00:06:17,557 --> 00:06:20,They had to fish it out with a curtain rail.

00:06:23,224 --> 00:06:26,-Hello.
-Mild out, isn't it, Iseabail?

00:06:26,058 --> 00:06:28,It's this global warming.

00:06:28,682 --> 00:06:33,-Katie's back.
-Sorry, yes. Are we late?

00:06:33,475 --> 00:06:36,Too late to marry him.

00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:43,Quick!

00:06:46,975 --> 00:06:49,Sorry. No.

00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:54,Hi, Angus.

00:06:57,725 --> 00:07:00,You're too late, Katie Nic Aodh.
He's mine now!

00:07:03,059 --> 00:07:07,There's always the Oban tinker.
He'll be visiting come September.

00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:10,And he's keen to marry on account of his leg.

00:07:10,226 --> 00:07:14,I'll marry you, Katie.
How old will you be in eight years?

00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:19,-40.
-Could have gone to 36.

00:07:29,102 --> 00:07:31,-The return of the native.
-Hello, Laird.

00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,That was quite the entrance, Katie.

00:07:34,269 --> 00:07:37,And continuing the theme
of my public humiliation,

00:07:37,936 --> 00:07:40,I may need my old job back.

00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,Oh. What happened to your fancy Edinburgh job

00:07:42,727 --> 00:07:44,at the trouser catalogue?

00:07:44,478 --> 00:07:47,I ran out of ways to describe pockets.

00:07:47,769 --> 00:07:49,If you don't mind me saying, Katie,

00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:52,you've always had such a terrible taste in men.

00:07:52,936 --> 00:07:55,I know. I've gone man vegan.

00:07:55,978 --> 00:07:59,They say after the first six years
you don't miss them any more.

00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:01,You've picked the right spot to try it.

00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:06,There are no single men left on
Hegg, are there, after today?

00:08:06,895 --> 00:08:09,Except for me, of course.

00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,Perhaps you'll dance with me later on.

00:08:14,229 --> 00:08:17,You'll not be forgetting Hegg law, Laird.

00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:21,You must dance with us all.
Eldest to youngest.

00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:22,Oh, yes.

00:08:22,687 --> 00:08:24,The dance of the dead.

00:08:24,687 --> 00:08:29,Which means I should get to
you about 4:30 in the morning.

00:08:31,313 --> 00:08:33,So,

00:08:33,604 --> 00:08:35,how long are you back for?

00:08:35,855 --> 00:08:38,Well, actually, I'm thinking of staying.

00:08:38,980 --> 00:08:43,I thought you said nothing ever happened here.

00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:48,No. Well, nothing happening
is becoming more appealing.

00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:54,So, this is all very grown-up.
You've a wife

00:08:54,064 --> 00:08:56,-and a beard.
-Well,

00:08:56,856 --> 00:09:00,Muireen thinks differently of beards than you.

00:09:00,231 --> 00:09:02,And marriage.

00:09:04,522 --> 00:09:07,Look, I truly hope you'll be...

00:09:07,856 --> 00:09:09,Aye.

00:09:51,484 --> 00:09:54,Hegg: An Island History,

00:09:54,317 --> 00:09:57,The Definitive Guide.
By Katie Nic Aodh.

00:09:57,108 --> 00:09:59,5 pounds a copy.
We split the proceeds.

00:09:59,192 --> 00:10:03,A guidebook to here? Don't be mad.

00:10:03,317 --> 00:10:05,Come see our disused toilet

00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:08,that may or may not be haunted
by the ghost of a drowned cow.

00:10:08,443 --> 00:10:09,You see?

00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:12,We need to channel this raw, creative energy.

00:10:12,525 --> 00:10:15,Else you're liable to get restless
and go wandering off again.

00:10:15,692 --> 00:10:17,Nobody's going to buy a guidebook to Hegg.

00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:20,Unless it's cheaper than our toilet paper.

00:10:23,402 --> 00:10:25,A marketing conference? Here?

00:10:26,776 --> 00:10:29,-The tide has turned.
-For the marketeers.

00:10:29,734 --> 00:10:32,a pound each or a pound 50 with hair.

00:10:35,526 --> 00:10:39,They want my castle, just as it is, for a week.

00:10:39,152 --> 00:10:42,-Good luck to them.
-This is a beautiful island, Katie.

00:10:43,236 --> 00:10:45,In a way...

00:10:45,027 --> 00:10:48,New beginnings.
It's like the whale all over again.

00:10:48,986 --> 00:10:52,You're not too young to
remember the whale, Laird?

00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:55,-No, I remember.
-There'll be money in this lot too.

00:10:55,236 --> 00:10:58,No throwing yourself at the men visitors, Katie.

00:10:58,361 --> 00:11:02,We don't want them thinking this is
the Orkneys where anything goes.

00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:04,Now, Katie, chop chop.
Chapter One,

00:11:04,861 --> 00:11:07,in which a young woman and her laird

00:11:07,694 --> 00:11:10,rescue their island from certain doom by writing

00:11:10,653 --> 00:11:12,a brilliant guidebook.

00:11:22,029 --> 00:11:25,The island of Hegg lies
half-drowned and wind-battered,

00:11:25,446 --> 00:11:28,the furthermost drop of the outermost spray

00:11:28,279 --> 00:11:30,of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides.

00:11:30,779 --> 00:11:33,It has a population of 75,

00:11:33,321 --> 00:11:35,a majority of whom are probably about...

00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:40,75. Or even older.

00:11:42,488 --> 00:11:44,Though Hegg no doubt has a certain charm,

00:11:44,946 --> 00:11:47,it has never been a popular
stop on the tourist trail.

00:11:47,905 --> 00:11:52,Even the Vikings never showed
the slightest interest in us.

00:11:52,072 --> 00:11:56,But the islanders remain a
hardy and resourceful people.

00:11:56,780 --> 00:12:01,All those under 50 are now married, except one.

00:12:02,281 --> 00:12:04,The island has one B&B

00:12:04,239 --> 00:12:08,which offers the traditional
Scottish breakfast of haggis,

00:12:08,197 --> 00:12:11,sausage, chips and beans,
or if you're feeling more metropolitan,

00:12:11,655 --> 00:12:13,you can have the continental breakfast,

00:12:13,989 --> 00:12:17,a bread roll, two Weetabix and a Snickers bar.

00:12:17,948 --> 00:12:20,Have we g***t any Michelin stars I can put up?

00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,-Are you not cold? Can I get you a coat?
-I'll be fine.

00:12:23,948 --> 00:12:28,-As always.
-You think?
-I'll be dying either...