The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S05E22.Bernies.Angels.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng] Subtitles
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00:00:02,986 --> 00:00:05,(theme music playing)
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:19,(knocking)
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,How's it going?
00:00:21,472 --> 00:00:23,Mm.
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,Come on, let's see!
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:33,Well. "Mother's name:"
Oh, I see you used Stacey.
00:00:33,350 --> 00:00:36,They better not do
a criminal background check.
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,"Father or Guardian:
Bernard McCullough."
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,Why you put that?
It's your name,
isn't it?
00:00:44,194 --> 00:00:46,Don't nobody know
Bernard McCullough.
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,But everybody knows
Bernie Mac.
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,You g***t to know how
to use the angles.
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:50,That's the name of the game.
00:00:51,043 --> 00:00:52,I thought the idea
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,was to get in
on my own merit.
00:00:55,038 --> 00:00:58,And I don't want
to use any angles.
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,Honey, she's right.
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,So, Nessa, what are you going
to write your essay about?
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:07,I don't know yet.
It's supposed to be
a personal statement.
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,Well, you personally know
Bernie Mac.
00:01:10,053 --> 00:01:12,A lot of kids
can't claim that.
00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,(sighs)
00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:17,America, you know me.
00:01:17,152 --> 00:01:19,And I don't usually like to play
the Mac Man card,
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,but desperate times call
for desperate measures,
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:24,and I'm desperate to get
at least one of these kids
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,out of my house.
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,Ah, yeah.
00:01:29,281 --> 00:01:30,Hey! (loud tapping)
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,Come on, let's go! Dinner!
Let's go!
00:01:33,076 --> 00:01:36,(shouting and tapping)
Come on, let's go!
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:39,Hey, baby!
Drop it like it's hot!
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,Come get it
while it's hot!
00:01:41,042 --> 00:01:43,Honey, it smells fabulous,
but I gotta go.
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,I'm in a rush.
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,What?!
Yeah, honey,
00:01:46,256 --> 00:01:48,I'm going to that sales
conference at the Westin.
00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:50,Babe, I g***t a roast served
for six--
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:51,me plus four--
come on, now!
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,Oh, and you know what?
Don't wait on the kids.
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:56,Jordan has play rehearsal,
Bryana has soccer
00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,and Vanessa's having
a salad in her room.
00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:00,Fine. I'll eat dinner
by my doggone self.
00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:03,I ain't g***t to worry
about nobody belching
at the doggone table.
00:02:04,065 --> 00:02:05,Chewing with their
mouth wide open.
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:08,Sitting up there, man,
grabbing without asking.
00:02:08,653 --> 00:02:10,I'll have me a nice,
quiet dinner
00:02:10,405 --> 00:02:11,in a civilized atmosphere.
00:02:11,907 --> 00:02:13,Hey, where you going?
00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:15,In front of the TV. Where else?
00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:20,(door closes)
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,I'm hungry.
I need dinner.
00:02:24,336 --> 00:02:26,You ever think to call?
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:28,Sorry.
00:02:28,423 --> 00:02:30,Here. You're a big girl.
00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:32,Heat it yourself.
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,(electrical popping)
00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:50,BERNIE:
I hear that
cellophane.
00:02:50,688 --> 00:02:53,You best not be eating
my fudge strips.
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,What the...?
00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:57,(electrical popping
continues)
Lord!
00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:58,My Baby Girl know better
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,than to put aluminum foil
in the microwave.
00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:02,She ain't g***t the sense
God gave a pigeon!
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:08,(zapping sound)
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,(strangled grunt)
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:16,(fantasy flashback music
playing)
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,(somber music playing)
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,Mrs. Mac?
Yes?
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,Would you like to bring
your children up now?
00:03:41,413 --> 00:03:43,They're not
my children.
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,You can take
them anywhere.
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:46,Children?
00:03:54,259 --> 00:03:58,SINGER (slow song):
♪ Peace, peace ♪
00:03:58,096 --> 00:04:00,What are we supposed
to do up here?
00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:01,(mumbles)
I don't know.
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,Act sad or something.
00:04:03,727 --> 00:04:05,(stifled laughter)
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,Uncle Bernie!
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,Uncle Bernie!
00:04:08,189 --> 00:04:09,He can't hear you.
00:04:09,357 --> 00:04:10,He's dead.
00:04:11,026 --> 00:04:13,But I need sour cream.
00:04:13,695 --> 00:04:15,(sighs)
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,(somber harp music playing)
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,Oh, Shimmy, he looks good.
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:23,They did a good job.
He looks so lifelike.
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,Yeah, except his gums
aren't flapping.
00:04:25,957 --> 00:04:28,I don't think I've
ever seen him this quiet.
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:32,It's actually kind of nice.
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,Well, I'm out of here.
00:04:38,395 --> 00:04:42,Huh! Thanks for the Escalade.
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:47,Well...
(grunting)
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,you won't need this
where you're going.
00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:51,(pants)
It might burn up.
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,BERNIE (voice echoing):
Go ahead, take my chain.
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,I'm still going to haunt you.
(menacing laughter)
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:02,(screaming)
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,(laughter fades)
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,BRYANA:
Is he dead?
00:05:12,087 --> 00:05:13,Should I poke him?
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,No. He's still breathing.
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,Uncle Bernie?
00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:17,Uncle Bernie?
00:05:17,809 --> 00:05:19,JORDAN:
He's coming to,
he's coming to.
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:20,(groaning softly)
BRYANA: What's wrong?
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,(panting softly)
Is he sick?
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,(peaceful harp music playing)
00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,BERNIE: Oh.
00:05:26,101 --> 00:05:27,Hey, angels.
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:31,My darling angels.
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,He's delusional.
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,(sirens in the distance)
00:05:36,778 --> 00:05:37,Oh...
00:05:37,612 --> 00:05:40,(tinkling music playing)
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:44,WOMAN:
Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac!
00:05:44,661 --> 00:05:47,Mr. Mac, I'm going to take
your blood pressure.
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:51,Oh...
Did you see the angels?
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,Pupils are
slightly dilated.
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,Oh...
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,B.P.'s 100 over 60.
00:05:56,798 --> 00:05:57,Mr. Mac...
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,♪ Angel, oh... ♪
00:05:59,717 --> 00:06:01,Mr. Mac, do you feel
any pain?
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,♪ Do you feel the pain? ♪
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:08,(sobs)
Oh, the kids are angels!
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,I knew they were angels!
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,He's in shock.
00:06:12,297 --> 00:06:15,Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac,
do you know what day it is?
00:06:15,358 --> 00:06:17,Don't you know
what day it is?
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,It's my birthday.
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,I been reborn.
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:23,I know what's going on now.
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,There-there go the angels!
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,Remember the angels
I was telling you about?
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,America, they Bernie's Angels.
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:31,And it's my birthday.
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,(squeals)
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,(Bernie mumbling gibberish)
00:06:41,384 --> 00:06:43,WANDA:
All right, honey.
Here we go.
00:06:43,761 --> 00:06:45,Here we go.
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:47,Where are they?
Honey, are you okay?
00:06:47,732 --> 00:06:49,I'm fine. I just
want to see them.
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,Oh, look,
there they are.
00:06:51,227 --> 00:06:54,(moaning and blubbering)
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,Um... Uncle Bernie,
are you okay?
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,Oh, Nessa...
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,I'm fine.
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,Thank you so...
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:19,(knocking)
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,How's it going?
00:00:21,472 --> 00:00:23,Mm.
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,Come on, let's see!
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:33,Well. "Mother's name:"
Oh, I see you used Stacey.
00:00:33,350 --> 00:00:36,They better not do
a criminal background check.
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,"Father or Guardian:
Bernard McCullough."
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,Why you put that?
It's your name,
isn't it?
00:00:44,194 --> 00:00:46,Don't nobody know
Bernard McCullough.
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,But everybody knows
Bernie Mac.
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,You g***t to know how
to use the angles.
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:50,That's the name of the game.
00:00:51,043 --> 00:00:52,I thought the idea
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,was to get in
on my own merit.
00:00:55,038 --> 00:00:58,And I don't want
to use any angles.
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,Honey, she's right.
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,So, Nessa, what are you going
to write your essay about?
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:07,I don't know yet.
It's supposed to be
a personal statement.
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,Well, you personally know
Bernie Mac.
00:01:10,053 --> 00:01:12,A lot of kids
can't claim that.
00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,(sighs)
00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:17,America, you know me.
00:01:17,152 --> 00:01:19,And I don't usually like to play
the Mac Man card,
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,but desperate times call
for desperate measures,
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:24,and I'm desperate to get
at least one of these kids
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,out of my house.
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,Ah, yeah.
00:01:29,281 --> 00:01:30,Hey! (loud tapping)
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,Come on, let's go! Dinner!
Let's go!
00:01:33,076 --> 00:01:36,(shouting and tapping)
Come on, let's go!
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:39,Hey, baby!
Drop it like it's hot!
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,Come get it
while it's hot!
00:01:41,042 --> 00:01:43,Honey, it smells fabulous,
but I gotta go.
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,I'm in a rush.
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,What?!
Yeah, honey,
00:01:46,256 --> 00:01:48,I'm going to that sales
conference at the Westin.
00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:50,Babe, I g***t a roast served
for six--
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:51,me plus four--
come on, now!
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,Oh, and you know what?
Don't wait on the kids.
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:56,Jordan has play rehearsal,
Bryana has soccer
00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,and Vanessa's having
a salad in her room.
00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:00,Fine. I'll eat dinner
by my doggone self.
00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:03,I ain't g***t to worry
about nobody belching
at the doggone table.
00:02:04,065 --> 00:02:05,Chewing with their
mouth wide open.
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:08,Sitting up there, man,
grabbing without asking.
00:02:08,653 --> 00:02:10,I'll have me a nice,
quiet dinner
00:02:10,405 --> 00:02:11,in a civilized atmosphere.
00:02:11,907 --> 00:02:13,Hey, where you going?
00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:15,In front of the TV. Where else?
00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:20,(door closes)
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,I'm hungry.
I need dinner.
00:02:24,336 --> 00:02:26,You ever think to call?
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:28,Sorry.
00:02:28,423 --> 00:02:30,Here. You're a big girl.
00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:32,Heat it yourself.
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,(electrical popping)
00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:50,BERNIE:
I hear that
cellophane.
00:02:50,688 --> 00:02:53,You best not be eating
my fudge strips.
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,What the...?
00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:57,(electrical popping
continues)
Lord!
00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:58,My Baby Girl know better
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,than to put aluminum foil
in the microwave.
00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:02,She ain't g***t the sense
God gave a pigeon!
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:08,(zapping sound)
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,(strangled grunt)
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:16,(fantasy flashback music
playing)
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,(somber music playing)
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,Mrs. Mac?
Yes?
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,Would you like to bring
your children up now?
00:03:41,413 --> 00:03:43,They're not
my children.
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,You can take
them anywhere.
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:46,Children?
00:03:54,259 --> 00:03:58,SINGER (slow song):
♪ Peace, peace ♪
00:03:58,096 --> 00:04:00,What are we supposed
to do up here?
00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:01,(mumbles)
I don't know.
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,Act sad or something.
00:04:03,727 --> 00:04:05,(stifled laughter)
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,Uncle Bernie!
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,Uncle Bernie!
00:04:08,189 --> 00:04:09,He can't hear you.
00:04:09,357 --> 00:04:10,He's dead.
00:04:11,026 --> 00:04:13,But I need sour cream.
00:04:13,695 --> 00:04:15,(sighs)
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,(somber harp music playing)
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,Oh, Shimmy, he looks good.
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:23,They did a good job.
He looks so lifelike.
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,Yeah, except his gums
aren't flapping.
00:04:25,957 --> 00:04:28,I don't think I've
ever seen him this quiet.
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:32,It's actually kind of nice.
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,Well, I'm out of here.
00:04:38,395 --> 00:04:42,Huh! Thanks for the Escalade.
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:47,Well...
(grunting)
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,you won't need this
where you're going.
00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:51,(pants)
It might burn up.
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,BERNIE (voice echoing):
Go ahead, take my chain.
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,I'm still going to haunt you.
(menacing laughter)
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:02,(screaming)
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,(laughter fades)
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,BRYANA:
Is he dead?
00:05:12,087 --> 00:05:13,Should I poke him?
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,No. He's still breathing.
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,Uncle Bernie?
00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:17,Uncle Bernie?
00:05:17,809 --> 00:05:19,JORDAN:
He's coming to,
he's coming to.
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:20,(groaning softly)
BRYANA: What's wrong?
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,(panting softly)
Is he sick?
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,(peaceful harp music playing)
00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,BERNIE: Oh.
00:05:26,101 --> 00:05:27,Hey, angels.
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:31,My darling angels.
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,He's delusional.
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,(sirens in the distance)
00:05:36,778 --> 00:05:37,Oh...
00:05:37,612 --> 00:05:40,(tinkling music playing)
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:44,WOMAN:
Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac!
00:05:44,661 --> 00:05:47,Mr. Mac, I'm going to take
your blood pressure.
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:51,Oh...
Did you see the angels?
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,Pupils are
slightly dilated.
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,Oh...
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,B.P.'s 100 over 60.
00:05:56,798 --> 00:05:57,Mr. Mac...
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,♪ Angel, oh... ♪
00:05:59,717 --> 00:06:01,Mr. Mac, do you feel
any pain?
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,♪ Do you feel the pain? ♪
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:08,(sobs)
Oh, the kids are angels!
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,I knew they were angels!
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,He's in shock.
00:06:12,297 --> 00:06:15,Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac,
do you know what day it is?
00:06:15,358 --> 00:06:17,Don't you know
what day it is?
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,It's my birthday.
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,I been reborn.
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:23,I know what's going on now.
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,There-there go the angels!
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,Remember the angels
I was telling you about?
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,America, they Bernie's Angels.
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:31,And it's my birthday.
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,(squeals)
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,(Bernie mumbling gibberish)
00:06:41,384 --> 00:06:43,WANDA:
All right, honey.
Here we go.
00:06:43,761 --> 00:06:45,Here we go.
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:47,Where are they?
Honey, are you okay?
00:06:47,732 --> 00:06:49,I'm fine. I just
want to see them.
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,Oh, look,
there they are.
00:06:51,227 --> 00:06:54,(moaning and blubbering)
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,Um... Uncle Bernie,
are you okay?
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,Oh, Nessa...
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,I'm fine.
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,Thank you so...
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