Legit s01e01 Pil.eng Subtitles

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00:00:01,233 --> 00:00:02,[Cellphone rings]

00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:05,Hello? Yeah.

00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:07,Yes. Hello, mum.

00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:10,Mum, you're not dying.

00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:13,No, you're not.

00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,[Indistinct conversations]

00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,Where the hell you been, man?

00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,I took off work to
witness this thing for you.

00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:20,I've been on the phone with my mum, okay?

00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,She's dying.

00:00:21,556 --> 00:00:22,She is?

00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:25,Yeah. Again.

00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:27,Dying again.

00:00:27,429 --> 00:00:28,How you feeling?

00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:29,Like she should be dead.

00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,She does this every year.

00:00:30,632 --> 00:00:32,You know, she's getting
on my case, you know?

00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:33,Yeah, about what?

00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:34,Well, she wants me to be more

00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:35,legitimate or something.

00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,What's she talking about?

00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:38,You're killing it in stand-up.

00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,Yeah, I know!

00:00:39,374 --> 00:00:40,But, like, I'm not on the telly

00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,in Australia, so to my mum, I'm,

00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,a disappointment.

00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,I... I'm a drunk idiot.

00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:48,You know?

00:00:48,550 --> 00:00:50,Maybe she's right. I...

00:00:50,753 --> 00:00:52,Oh, you're gonna go legit?

00:00:52,188 --> 00:00:55,Well... change is good, you know?

00:00:55,724 --> 00:00:57,Can't keep going on like this.

00:00:57,526 --> 00:00:58,Yeah.

00:00:58,194 --> 00:01:01,I think I... I think I'd like to have kids.

00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:03,You think you'd be a good father?

00:01:03,232 --> 00:01:05,I think I'd be a great father.

00:01:05,234 --> 00:01:07,What about a husband?

00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:08,Yeah, there's a problem.

00:01:08,937 --> 00:01:09,Yeah.

00:01:09,571 --> 00:01:10,[Bell dings]

00:01:10,405 --> 00:01:11,Oh, this is us.

00:01:11,606 --> 00:01:12,Hello.

00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,Uh, Jim Jefferies, extra "e."

00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:16,It's j-e-f-f-e-r-i-e-s.

00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,Steve Nugent.

00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,I'm his witness.

00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:19,Uh, you don't need a witness.

00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:20,Yeah, I know.

00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:21,What the hell ** I doing.

00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:22,Here?

00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,I can't stay in line,
Steve. My mum's dying.

00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:25,[Scoffs]

00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,Hey, I've g***t a plan, all right?

00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,I... I... I... I could meet a woman.

00:01:28,690 --> 00:01:29,I... I could marry her.

00:01:29,791 --> 00:01:32,I could get her pregnant.
She'd have the child.

00:01:32,194 --> 00:01:33,And then, if she could die soon

00:01:33,728 --> 00:01:35,afterwards, that would really be.

00:01:35,897 --> 00:01:39,best for everyone, really, because...

00:01:39,968 --> 00:01:41,you know, the kid couldn't hate.

00:01:41,703 --> 00:01:42,You then, right?

00:01:42,704 --> 00:01:43,"I'm doing my best.

00:01:43,872 --> 00:01:45,"Your mum's dead," you know?

00:01:45,407 --> 00:01:48,Jesus, Jim, that is
cold-blooded, even for you.

00:01:48,243 --> 00:01:49,I've looked into it.

00:01:49,444 --> 00:01:50,All right, it's not as easy as

00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:51,you think anyway, all right?

00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:52,It turns out that terminally ill

00:01:52,747 --> 00:01:54,women don't want to get pregnant.

00:01:54,082 --> 00:01:55,They're all about them and "what"

00:01:55,250 --> 00:01:56,"they're up to" and their

00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,situation... high-maintenance,

00:01:58,086 --> 00:01:58,if you ask me.

00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,Selfish, in a way, don't you think?

00:02:00,922 --> 00:02:02,Are you saying you want a

00:02:02,391 --> 00:02:03,woman to die during childbirth?

00:02:03,992 --> 00:02:05,No! I'm not an animal, Steve!

00:02:05,661 --> 00:02:07,You know, like, she could be

00:02:07,096 --> 00:02:08,around for the first few years,

00:02:08,697 --> 00:02:10,until the kid could walk and

00:02:10,132 --> 00:02:11,talk and... and get me a beer,

00:02:11,934 --> 00:02:14,you know, and take care of itself.

00:02:14,136 --> 00:02:15,Oh, how nice.

00:02:15,170 --> 00:02:17,So she knows the child before she dies.

00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,Exactly. Yes. Thank you.

00:02:19,642 --> 00:02:20,This isn't a bad thing.

00:02:20,943 --> 00:02:22,This woman's dying anyway.

00:02:22,344 --> 00:02:24,This is... this is good
times for this lady.

00:02:24,781 --> 00:02:26,I'd still have s***x with her,

00:02:26,316 --> 00:02:28,even though her hair
was coming out in clumps.

00:02:28,818 --> 00:02:29,Jim, Jim.

00:02:29,619 --> 00:02:31,I would still tell her she

00:02:31,188 --> 00:02:32,looked attractive even though

00:02:32,722 --> 00:02:34,she didn't look attractive.

00:02:34,190 --> 00:02:36,I'd still lie to her,
because I'm a good person.

00:02:36,826 --> 00:02:38,You know, I'd hold her one titty

00:02:38,528 --> 00:02:40,while we had... if that was the case.

00:02:40,630 --> 00:02:42,Think of the sympathy s***x off

00:02:42,197 --> 00:02:44,this woman, how grateful she'd be.

00:02:44,133 --> 00:02:45,You are such a sick d***k.

00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:46,You know that?

00:02:46,569 --> 00:02:48,Why don't you just try to do

00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:50,something nice for someone for nce?

00:02:50,139 --> 00:02:50,Nice?!

00:02:50,773 --> 00:02:51,Sign here.

00:02:51,841 --> 00:02:52,Yeah, nice.

00:02:52,775 --> 00:02:54,Compassionate? Kind?

00:02:54,444 --> 00:02:55,Please, all right?

00:02:55,579 --> 00:02:57,I'm taking care of this kid all by myself.

00:02:57,715 --> 00:02:59,My therapist says if you want

00:02:59,283 --> 00:03:00,to get out of your head, you do

00:03:00,885 --> 00:03:02,something nice for someone else.

00:03:02,453 --> 00:03:03,Steve?

00:03:03,688 --> 00:03:05,All right? My wife's just died.

00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:12,Alien.

00:03:12,764 --> 00:03:14,I'm an alien of extraordinary.

00:03:14,166 --> 00:03:17,Ability, Steve.

00:03:17,369 --> 00:03:18,I'm like E.T.

00:03:18,537 --> 00:03:20,This is a great country.

00:03:20,472 --> 00:03:22,I'm sorry. He's Australian.

00:03:22,474 --> 00:03:23,So, I could really use the

00:03:23,842 --> 00:03:25,money, so I guess I'll see you

00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:26,guys in a minute.

00:03:26,378 --> 00:03:27,Uh, that's it. Thanks, mom.

00:03:27,813 --> 00:03:28,Where you going?

00:03:28,881 --> 00:03:30,Uh, going to see Billy.

00:03:30,248 --> 00:03:31,Is he still alive?

00:03:31,416 --> 00:03:32,You are an a***e, Jim.

00:03:32,851 --> 00:03:34,No, it's just that I never

00:03:34,385 --> 00:03:35,get to see him anymore.

00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:37,That's because I put him in a

00:03:37,255 --> 00:03:38,home like a year and a half ago.

00:03:38,923 --> 00:03:39,Right, you did.

00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:42,Yeah, and I go to see
him a couple times a week.

00:03:42,627 --> 00:03:43,Do you?

00:03:43,294 --> 00:03:44,Yeah. And we talk about it.

00:03:44,829 --> 00:03:45,We do?

00:03:45,463 --> 00:03:46,And he asks about you.

00:03:46,797 --> 00:03:47,Ah.

00:03:47,298 --> 00:03:49,I guess he likes you, for some reason.

00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:50,That's nice.

00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:52,Billy's, uh, the tall one with

00:03:52,102 --> 00:03:54,the ginger hair and the harsh features?

00:03:54,371 --> 00:03:55,[Sighs]

00:03:55,205 --> 00:03:56,That's my sister, a***e.

00:03:56,673 --> 00:03:57,Ah, sister.

00:03:57,674 --> 00:04:00,Billy's the short one in the wheelchair.

00:04:00,311 --> 00:04:01,Yes.

00:04:01,378 --> 00:04:03,Oh, I like Billy.

00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,I'm glad he's not dead.

00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:08,Do you want to go?

00:04:08,686 --> 00:04:10,No, it's too depressing.

00:04:10,821 --> 00:04:12,Come on, man.

00:04:12,223 --> 00:04:15,Like I said, try to be nice.

00:04:15,626 --> 00:04:16,Nice?

00:04:16,961 --> 00:04:18,Mm-hmm....

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