Legit s01e01 Pil.eng Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,200 Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.Com 2 00:00:01,233 --> 00:00:02,967 [Cellphone rings] 3 00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:05,136 Hello? Yeah. 4 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:07,406 Yes. Hello, mum. 5 00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:10,609 Mum, you're not dying. 6 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:13,011 No, you're not. 7 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,446 [Indistinct conversations] 8 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,614 Where the hell you been, man? 9 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,349 I took off work to witness this thing for you. 10 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:20,319 I've been on the phone with my mum, okay? 11 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,487 She's dying. 12 00:00:21,556 --> 00:00:22,521 She is? 13 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:25,158 Yeah. Again. 14 00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:27,360 Dying again. 15 00:00:27,429 --> 00:00:28,261 How you feeling? 16 00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:29,429 Like she should be dead. 17 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,563 She does this every year. 18 00:00:30,632 --> 00:00:32,565 You know, she's getting on my case, you know? 19 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:33,532 Yeah, about what? 20 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:34,900 Well, she wants me to be more 21 00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:35,968 legitimate or something. 22 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,236 What's she talking about? 23 00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:38,537 You're killing it in stand-up. 24 00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,305 Yeah, I know! 25 00:00:39,374 --> 00:00:40,639 But, like, I'm not on the telly 26 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,641 in Australia, so to my mum, I'm, 27 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,077 a disappointment. 28 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,079 I... I'm a drunk idiot. 29 00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:48,481 You know? 30 00:00:48,550 --> 00:00:50,684 Maybe she's right. I... 31 00:00:50,753 --> 00:00:52,119 Oh, you're gonna go legit? 32 00:00:52,188 --> 00:00:55,656 Well... change is good, you know? 33 00:00:55,724 --> 00:00:57,458 Can't keep going on like this. 34 00:00:57,526 --> 00:00:58,125 Yeah. 35 00:00:58,194 --> 00:01:01,061 I think I... I think I'd like to have kids. 36 00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:03,163 You think you'd be a good father? 37 00:01:03,232 --> 00:01:05,165 I think I'd be a great father. 38 00:01:05,234 --> 00:01:07,400 What about a husband? 39 00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:08,868 Yeah, there's a problem. 40 00:01:08,937 --> 00:01:09,502 Yeah. 41 00:01:09,571 --> 00:01:10,336 [Bell dings] 42 00:01:10,405 --> 00:01:11,537 Oh, this is us. 43 00:01:11,606 --> 00:01:12,438 Hello. 44 00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,507 Uh, Jim Jefferies, extra "e." 45 00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:16,509 It's j-e-f-f-e-r-i-e-s. 46 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,376 Steve Nugent. 47 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,210 I'm his witness. 48 00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:19,711 Uh, you don't need a witness. 49 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:20,579 Yeah, I know. 50 00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:21,880 What the hell ** I doing. 51 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:22,314 Here? 52 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,583 I can't stay in line, Steve. My mum's dying. 53 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:25,351 [Scoffs] 54 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,119 Hey, I've g***t a plan, all right? 55 00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,621 I... I... I... I could meet a woman. 56 00:01:28,690 --> 00:01:29,722 I... I could marry her. 57 00:01:29,791 --> 00:01:32,125 I could get her pregnant. She'd have the child. 58 00:01:32,194 --> 00:01:33,660 And then, if she could die soon 59 00:01:33,728 --> 00:01:35,829 afterwards, that would really be. 60 00:01:35,897 --> 00:01:39,899 best for everyone, really, because... 61 00:01:39,968 --> 00:01:41,634 you know, the kid couldn't hate. 62 00:01:41,703 --> 00:01:42,635 You then, right? 63 00:01:42,704 --> 00:01:43,803 "I'm doing my best. 64 00:01:43,872 --> 00:01:45,338 "Your mum's dead," you know? 65 00:01:45,407 --> 00:01:48,174 Jesus, Jim, that is cold-blooded, even for you. 66 00:01:48,243 --> 00:01:49,375 I've looked into it. 67 00:01:49,444 --> 00:01:50,476 All right, it's not as easy as 68 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:51,511 you think anyway, all right? 69 00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:52,679 It turns out that terminally ill 70 00:01:52,747 --> 00:01:54,013 women don't want to get pregnant. 71 00:01:54,082 --> 00:01:55,181 They're all about them and "what" 72 00:01:55,250 --> 00:01:56,483 "they're up to" and their 73 00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,017 situation... high-maintenance, 74 00:01:58,086 --> 00:01:58,852 if you ask me. 75 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,853 Selfish, in a way, don't you think? 76 00:02:00,922 --> 00:02:02,322 Are you saying you want a 77 00:02:02,391 --> 00:02:03,924 woman to die during childbirth? 78 00:02:03,992 --> 00:02:05,592 No! I'm not an animal, Steve! 79 00:02:05,661 --> 00:02:07,027 You know, like, she could be 80 00:02:07,096 --> 00:02:08,629 around for the first few years, 81 00:02:08,697 --> 00:02:10,063 until the kid could walk and 82 00:02:10,132 --> 00:02:11,865 talk and... and get me a beer, 83 00:02:11,934 --> 00:02:14,067 you know, and take care of itself. 84 00:02:14,136 --> 00:02:15,101 Oh, how nice. 85 00:02:15,170 --> 00:02:17,571 So she knows the child before she dies. 86 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,573 Exactly. Yes. Thank you. 87 00:02:19,642 --> 00:02:20,874 This isn't a bad thing. 88 00:02:20,943 --> 00:02:22,276 This woman's dying anyway. 89 00:02:22,344 --> 00:02:24,712 This is... this is good times for this lady. 90 00:02:24,781 --> 00:02:26,247 I'd still have s***x with her, 91 00:02:26,316 --> 00:02:28,749 even though her hair was coming out in clumps. 92 00:02:28,818 --> 00:02:29,550 Jim, Jim. 93 00:02:29,619 --> 00:02:31,119 I would still tell her she 94 00:02:31,188 --> 00:02:32,654 looked attractive even though 95 00:02:32,722 --> 00:02:34,122 she didn't look attractive. 96 00:02:34,190 --> 00:02:36,757 I'd still lie to her, because I'm a good person. 97 00:02:36,826 --> 00:02:38,459 You know, I'd hold her one titty 98 00:02:38,528 --> 00:02:40,561 while we had... if that was the case. 99 00:02:40,630 --> 00:02:42,129 Think of the sympathy s***x off 100 00:02:42,197 --> 00:02:44,064 this woman, how grateful she'd be. 101 00:02:44,133 --> 00:02:45,633 You are such a sick d***k. 102 00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:46,500 You know that? 103 00:02:46,569 --> 00:02:48,002 Why don't you just try to do 104 00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:50,070 something nice for someone for nce? 105 00:02:50,139 --> 00:02:50,704 Nice?! 106 00:02:50,773 --> 00:02:51,772 Sign here. 107 00:02:51,841 --> 00:02:52,706 Yeah, nice. 108 00:02:52,775 --> 00:02:54,375 Compassionate? Kind? 109 00:02:54,444 --> 00:02:55,510 Please, all right? 110 00:02:55,579 --> 00:02:57,646 I'm taking care of this kid all by myself. 111 00:02:57,715 --> 00:02:59,214 My therapist says if you want 112 00:02:59,283 --> 00:03:00,816 to get out of your head, you do 113 00:03:00,885 --> 00:03:02,384 something nice for someone else. 114 00:03:02,453 --> 00:03:03,619 Steve? 115 00:03:03,688 --> 00:03:05,421 All right? My wife's just died. 116 00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:12,696 Alien. 117 00:03:12,764 --> 00:03:14,097 I'm an alien of extraordinary. 118 00:03:14,166 --> 00:03:17,300 Ability, Steve. 119 00:03:17,369 --> 00:03:18,468 I'm like E.T. 120 00:03:18,537 --> 00:03:20,404 This is a great country. 121 00:03:20,472 --> 00:03:22,406 I'm sorry. He's Australian. 122 00:03:22,474 --> 00:03:23,774 So, I could really use the 123 00:03:23,842 --> 00:03:25,342 money, so I guess I'll see you 124 00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:26,309 guys in a minute. 125 00:03:26,378 --> 00:03:27,744 Uh, that's it. Thanks, mom. 126 00:03:27,813 --> 00:03:28,812 Where you going? 127 00:03:28,881 --> 00:03:30,180 Uh, going to see Billy. 128 00:03:30,248 --> 00:03:31,348 Is he still alive? 129 00:03:31,416 --> 00:03:32,782 You are an a***e, Jim. 130 00:03:32,851 --> 00:03:34,317 No, it's just that I never 131 00:03:34,385 --> 00:03:35,551 get to see him anymore. 132 00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:37,186 That's because I put him in a 133 00:03:37,255 --> 00:03:38,855 home like a year and a half ago. 134 00:03:38,923 --> 00:03:39,889 Right, you did. 135 00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:42,558 Yeah, and I go to see him a couple times a week. 136 00:03:42,627 --> 00:03:43,225 Do you? 137 00:03:43,294 --> 00:03:44,760 Yeah. And we talk about it. 138 00:03:44,829 --> 00:03:45,394 We do? 139 00:03:45,463 --> 00:03:46,729 And he asks about you. 140 00:03:46,797 --> 00:03:47,229 Ah. 141 00:03:47,298 --> 00:03:49,464 I guess he likes you, for some reason. 142 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:50,365 That's nice. 143 00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:52,034 Billy's, uh, the tall one with 144 00:03:52,102 --> 00:03:54,302 the ginger hair and the harsh features? 145 00:03:54,371 --> 00:03:55,137 [Sighs] 146 00:03:55,205 --> 00:03:56,605 That's my sister, a***e. 147 00:03:56,673 --> 00:03:57,606 Ah, sister. 148 00:03:57,674 --> 00:04:00,242 Billy's the short one in the wheelchair. 149 00:04:00,311 --> 00:04:01,310 Yes. 150 00:04:01,378 --> 00:04:03,412 Oh, I like Billy. 151 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,413 I'm glad he's not dead. 152 00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:08,617 Do you want to go? 153 00:04:08,686 --> 00:04:10,753 No, it's too depressing. 154 00:04:10,821 --> 00:04:12,154 Come on, man. 155 00:04:12,223 --> 00:04:15,557 Like I said, try to be nice. 156 00:04:15,626 --> 00:04:16,892 Nice? 157 00:04:16,961 --> 00:04:18,427 Mm-hmm....