Middle.Man.2016.WEB-DL.x264-FGT Subtitles
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00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:32,All right. What's happened?
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:34,Everything?
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:47,This will only
take a minute, Mr. Freeman.
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:48,Uh, forget the mess.
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:52,My secretary's taken
the day off again.
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,Some hasidic holiday
or something.
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:58,It's a Rosha... Krishna...
Shanana... who the hell knows.
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:02,Anyhow, as you know,
your mother owed bad taxes,
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:05,so there's really nothing
to turn over
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,other than one ring,
emerald clad, platinum setting,
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,one box, cardboard variety,
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:18,containing her, mm...
"Most prized possessions."
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:18,And that's it.
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:24,Otherwise. The government's g***t
you by the flagpole, Mr. Freeman,
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,and they usually win
in that tug of war.
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,Now, if you would press hard,
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:33,and bend it that way,
it's there, three copies,
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,right there, and right here,
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,and one more time.
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,And that's it.
Thank you, sir.
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,For your time,
for your business.
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,And for not blubbering
on the mahogany.
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,Oh, whoa!
Hold on a minute.
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,Looks like we g***t a floater.
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,It seems, Mr. Freeman,
that there is one bill
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,your dear old mama
did manage to pay off.
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,- Hi, Rhonda.
- Hi, Lenny.
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,Sorry about your loss.
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:33,Oh, well, thank you.
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:37,Um, before I leave, I just wanted to say
that it has been so nice working with you
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,and I'm so sorry we never g***t a chance
to go out on a date or anything
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:44,because you know, you always were busy
with relatives in the town and stuff.
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:44,Okay.
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:48,And I wanna thank you for
being my best work pal, Allen.
00:03:50,029 --> 00:03:52,Look for me in television.
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,And now, live from Las Vegas,
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,it's the Monte guy show.
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,Tonight's guests include
comedian Jimmy Shaw,
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,and the winner of last year's
stand-up stand-off Willy Vince.
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:11,Now, let's say hello
to Monte guy.
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,- Hey, Shakespeare.
- Hmm?
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,You in for oxygen or
just another refill?
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:18,Oh, no, thank you.
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:21,"No, thank you, I've just
about milked the s***t out of
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:21,this bottomless cup
of 60-cent coffee,"
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:25,or, "no, thank you, I'm about
ready to order something
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,so I don't waste any more of the lovely
miss Evelyn's valuable f***g time"?
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, um, how are your eggs?
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,Just dandy.
How's your sperm?
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,It's a joke. What, you zombie
people g***t no sense of humor?
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,I'm sorry. I just didn't realize
you were trying to be funny.
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,I wasn't trying to be funny.
I ** funny.
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:40,There's a difference.
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:40,Yes, ma'**.
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,Why don't you save your negative
commentary for the s***t on the menu?
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:43,Now, what do you want?
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:46,Um, I will have three eggs.
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:46,- Scrambled?
- Uh, scrambled.
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:52,Oh, and a side of sausage, a side of bacon,
and a side of biscuits and gravy, please.
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:52,That comes with a heart attack.
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,Would you like that for here
or to go?
00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:57,It's a joke!
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:57,I didn't...
00:05:57,257 --> 00:06:01,Hey, what are you getting off
for my s***t ain't funny?
00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:03,I'll have you know my s***t
is very funny.
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,Hey, Richie, tell the man
how funny my s***t is.
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,Your s***t is very funny.
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,What? You wanna be zombie sides? Don't
have pockets or a sense of humor?
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,No, actually, I **
a stand-up comedian.
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,I mean, I will be soon.
00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,That is the funniest s***t
I had heard in weeks.
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:22,You ain't no
motherfucking stand-up.
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:26,No, no, not yet, but I'm on my way to
Las Vegas for the Monte guy audition.
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,- The what?
- The stand-up stand-off.
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,You know, Monte guy.
- Huh.
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,Well, I'm sure he'll just snap
your writer's a***s right up,
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:36,you being on the cutting cost
with contemporary comedy and all.
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,That wasn't very nice.
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,Hey, you started it, Pillsbury.
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,You sit there,
all rude and s***t,
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,start pulling
an Easter island on me.
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:43,Well, I'm sorry.
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:43,Maybe I'll just take my waitress
skills closer to Vegas,
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:48,where they'll be more fully appreciated.
You hear that Richie?
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,- Okay, I said I was sorry.
- Too late.
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:50,You've offended me
beyond repair.
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:55,Hey, Louis, three eggs, and f***k 'em up.
And heavy on the cholesterol.
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,I g***t Bob hope out here
on the road to a coronary.
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,- George?
- Yes?
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,You're awfully funny
on the radio.
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:14,Everybody says so.
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:20,You're the funniest comedian in the
world, George. May I have your autograph?
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,- You wanted my autograph?
- Yes.
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,Right here on this dotted line.
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,Oh, so that's what you're up to,
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,trying to get my signature
on that silly contract.
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,Well, it didn't work.
Now get out of here.
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,Yes, dear.
00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:01,- Costume party?
- Oh, no, thank you.
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:02,I'm on my way to Las Vegas.
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:02,- Is it much further?
- About 200 miles.
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:09,Either way, once you hit lamb bone, just
keep an eye out for that heavenly glow.
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:12,- Can't miss it.
- Uh, thank you.
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,Is the bathroom clean?
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,Just ate dinner off the floor.
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,Hello?
00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,Dirty guy?
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,Sorry, chief,
didn't mean to startle you.
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,Was wondering if you could
spare me a lift.
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:38,I'm sorry.
I'm not going that way.
00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:41,How do you know?
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,- Know what?
- Where I'm going.
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:44,Well...
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:49,I just... I don't pick up hitchhikers.
It's just something my mom used to say.
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:49,You understand.
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:53,Sure, can't be too careful
these days, right?
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,Yeah. Well,
sorry I couldn't help.
00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:01,Actually, you could help.
You just chose not to.
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,There's a difference.
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,No worries.
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,Always another way.
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:11,Well, okay, uh,
you should look me up,
00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:13,if you're ever in Las Vegas.
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,You famous?
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,Not yet, but I'm going to be.
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:24,Hey, you want a ride?
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:49,Gee, that's
awfully nice of Ronnie,
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:54,to let me take his Oscar home so
I could show it to Rochester.
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:57,Hmm. Sure is...
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:34,Everything?
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:47,This will only
take a minute, Mr. Freeman.
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:48,Uh, forget the mess.
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:52,My secretary's taken
the day off again.
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,Some hasidic holiday
or something.
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:58,It's a Rosha... Krishna...
Shanana... who the hell knows.
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:02,Anyhow, as you know,
your mother owed bad taxes,
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:05,so there's really nothing
to turn over
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,other than one ring,
emerald clad, platinum setting,
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,one box, cardboard variety,
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:18,containing her, mm...
"Most prized possessions."
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:18,And that's it.
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:24,Otherwise. The government's g***t
you by the flagpole, Mr. Freeman,
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,and they usually win
in that tug of war.
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,Now, if you would press hard,
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:33,and bend it that way,
it's there, three copies,
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,right there, and right here,
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,and one more time.
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,And that's it.
Thank you, sir.
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,For your time,
for your business.
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,And for not blubbering
on the mahogany.
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,Oh, whoa!
Hold on a minute.
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,Looks like we g***t a floater.
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,It seems, Mr. Freeman,
that there is one bill
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,your dear old mama
did manage to pay off.
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,- Hi, Rhonda.
- Hi, Lenny.
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,Sorry about your loss.
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:33,Oh, well, thank you.
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:37,Um, before I leave, I just wanted to say
that it has been so nice working with you
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,and I'm so sorry we never g***t a chance
to go out on a date or anything
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:44,because you know, you always were busy
with relatives in the town and stuff.
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:44,Okay.
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:48,And I wanna thank you for
being my best work pal, Allen.
00:03:50,029 --> 00:03:52,Look for me in television.
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,And now, live from Las Vegas,
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,it's the Monte guy show.
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,Tonight's guests include
comedian Jimmy Shaw,
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,and the winner of last year's
stand-up stand-off Willy Vince.
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:11,Now, let's say hello
to Monte guy.
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,- Hey, Shakespeare.
- Hmm?
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,You in for oxygen or
just another refill?
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:18,Oh, no, thank you.
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:21,"No, thank you, I've just
about milked the s***t out of
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:21,this bottomless cup
of 60-cent coffee,"
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:25,or, "no, thank you, I'm about
ready to order something
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,so I don't waste any more of the lovely
miss Evelyn's valuable f***g time"?
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, um, how are your eggs?
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,Just dandy.
How's your sperm?
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,It's a joke. What, you zombie
people g***t no sense of humor?
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,I'm sorry. I just didn't realize
you were trying to be funny.
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,I wasn't trying to be funny.
I ** funny.
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:40,There's a difference.
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:40,Yes, ma'**.
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,Why don't you save your negative
commentary for the s***t on the menu?
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:43,Now, what do you want?
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:46,Um, I will have three eggs.
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:46,- Scrambled?
- Uh, scrambled.
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:52,Oh, and a side of sausage, a side of bacon,
and a side of biscuits and gravy, please.
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:52,That comes with a heart attack.
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,Would you like that for here
or to go?
00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:57,It's a joke!
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:57,I didn't...
00:05:57,257 --> 00:06:01,Hey, what are you getting off
for my s***t ain't funny?
00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:03,I'll have you know my s***t
is very funny.
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,Hey, Richie, tell the man
how funny my s***t is.
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,Your s***t is very funny.
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,What? You wanna be zombie sides? Don't
have pockets or a sense of humor?
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,No, actually, I **
a stand-up comedian.
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,I mean, I will be soon.
00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,That is the funniest s***t
I had heard in weeks.
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:22,You ain't no
motherfucking stand-up.
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:26,No, no, not yet, but I'm on my way to
Las Vegas for the Monte guy audition.
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,- The what?
- The stand-up stand-off.
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,You know, Monte guy.
- Huh.
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,Well, I'm sure he'll just snap
your writer's a***s right up,
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:36,you being on the cutting cost
with contemporary comedy and all.
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,That wasn't very nice.
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,Hey, you started it, Pillsbury.
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,You sit there,
all rude and s***t,
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,start pulling
an Easter island on me.
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:43,Well, I'm sorry.
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:43,Maybe I'll just take my waitress
skills closer to Vegas,
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:48,where they'll be more fully appreciated.
You hear that Richie?
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,- Okay, I said I was sorry.
- Too late.
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:50,You've offended me
beyond repair.
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:55,Hey, Louis, three eggs, and f***k 'em up.
And heavy on the cholesterol.
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,I g***t Bob hope out here
on the road to a coronary.
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,- George?
- Yes?
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,You're awfully funny
on the radio.
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:14,Everybody says so.
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:20,You're the funniest comedian in the
world, George. May I have your autograph?
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,- You wanted my autograph?
- Yes.
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,Right here on this dotted line.
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,Oh, so that's what you're up to,
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,trying to get my signature
on that silly contract.
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,Well, it didn't work.
Now get out of here.
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,Yes, dear.
00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:01,- Costume party?
- Oh, no, thank you.
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:02,I'm on my way to Las Vegas.
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:02,- Is it much further?
- About 200 miles.
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:09,Either way, once you hit lamb bone, just
keep an eye out for that heavenly glow.
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:12,- Can't miss it.
- Uh, thank you.
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,Is the bathroom clean?
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,Just ate dinner off the floor.
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,Hello?
00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,Dirty guy?
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,Sorry, chief,
didn't mean to startle you.
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,Was wondering if you could
spare me a lift.
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:38,I'm sorry.
I'm not going that way.
00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:41,How do you know?
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,- Know what?
- Where I'm going.
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:44,Well...
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:49,I just... I don't pick up hitchhikers.
It's just something my mom used to say.
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:49,You understand.
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:53,Sure, can't be too careful
these days, right?
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,Yeah. Well,
sorry I couldn't help.
00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:01,Actually, you could help.
You just chose not to.
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,There's a difference.
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,No worries.
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,Always another way.
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:11,Well, okay, uh,
you should look me up,
00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:13,if you're ever in Las Vegas.
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,You famous?
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,Not yet, but I'm going to be.
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:24,Hey, you want a ride?
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:49,Gee, that's
awfully nice of Ronnie,
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:54,to let me take his Oscar home so
I could show it to Rochester.
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:57,Hmm. Sure is...
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