09-02 Back To Earth - Part 2 Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,992 No way will this work. 2 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:48,471 I'll probably end up with your head or someone else's legs. 3 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:52,190 Something always goes wrong. I'm not building my hopes up. 4 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,719 And we begin. 5 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,632 (SWITCHES MACHINE ON) 6 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,876 -Have you found any dirt on her yet? -Her character is flawless, sir. 7 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,109 D***n! 8 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,760 And if her character is flawless, that means... 9 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,035 I know. 10 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,191 I'll have to frame her. 11 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,516 -No, sir. I meant... -Mmm. 12 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,389 Is working. 13 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:14,879 Now if calculations correct, 14 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,189 portal should 15 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,399 open now. 16 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,559 It's working! 17 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,717 Something is not right. 18 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,917 Saying we don't exist. 19 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,871 How can this be possible? 20 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:51,670 Taking us to nearest valid reality. Makes no sense. 21 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,599 What size is this? 22 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,992 This baby's 50 inches of full, crotch throbbing pixel power. 23 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,559 I like it! 24 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,109 Too big. It's only for the bedroom. 25 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,719 How can our reality not exist? It's crazy. 26 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,359 What about this one? 27 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:12,839 I can't hold on much longer! 28 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,839 Yes, something is very wrong. Send Rimmer through first see if safe. 29 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,035 What? 30 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:21,949 Wait! 31 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,191 (SCREAMING) I said, wait! 32 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,039 What was that? 33 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,514 -Did you hear something smash? -On TV. 34 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,159 Can't hold on much longer! 35 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:57,754 -MAN: What, is it HD ready? -It's a version of HD ready, yeah. 36 00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,799 (SCREAMING) 37 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:12,754 (GROANS) 38 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,110 Oh yeah! 39 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,153 (EXCLAIMS IN JOY) 40 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,399 Where are we, Kryten? 41 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,711 Well, according to the Psi scan, sir, we're in a department store in London 42 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,110 in the early part of the 21st century. 43 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,157 The early part of the 21... 44 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,393 Isn't that when all the banks went belly up and money became useless? 45 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,790 I've read about that in history. 46 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,992 What a sound system, eh? 47 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,673 Sounds like you're in the room with them. 48 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,673 -Where are we, Kryten? -Well, according to the Psi scans, sirs, 49 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,956 -we're in a department store in London. - (CHUCKLING) Red Dwarf. 50 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,590 -Is this a new series? -I don't really follow it myself. 51 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,554 Science fiction. 52 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,677 It's all a bit bollocks really, isn't it? 53 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,957 That Psi scan thing. Knows everything, doesn't it? 54 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,832 Any bit of exposition, just ask the Psi scan. 55 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,998 How can it know everything? Talk about rubbish. 56 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,114 who's he Kryten? 57 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,192 Well, according to the Psi scan, sir, he's a pompous know-all, 58 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,954 know-nothing idiot called Mike Mellington, 59 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,509 who incidentally has a very small p***s. 60 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,433 -How does the Psi scan know that? -Well, it's scanned his e-mail, sir. 61 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,275 He's already onto his fourth tub of p***s enlargement cream. 62 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,997 Hey buds, the porthole's closed. We can't get back. 63 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,793 What do you mean, get back? We are back! 64 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,271 This is Earth, this is home. And we've g***t rid of Kremlin Kate. 65 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,431 Let's crack open the vodka. 66 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,278 It is me or is everyone staring? 67 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,193 Also they all seem to be in smirk mode, sir. 68 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:03,272 They're just laughing at your face, Kryten. Nothing to worry about. 69 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,591 Back in the 21st century, they laughed at freaks all the time. 70 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,671 They used to have TV shows on Saturday nights 71 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,229 where they'd get out all the freaks, make them sing and dance 72 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:15,234 and then point and laugh at them. Simple people. Simple tastes. 73 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,679 (WHISPERING) Hey, hey. What are these things? 74 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,594 They're Digital Versatile Discs, sir. DVDs for short. 75 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,913 They were very popular in the early part of the 21st century before they died out 76 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,832 and were replaced with what we use now. 77 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,672 -What, you mean videos? -Precisely. 78 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,116 Back then no-one knew that the human race were utterly incapable 79 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,750 of putting the DVDs back in their cases. Case in point. 80 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:48,276 Over two trillion went missing in just over 20 years. 81 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,910 Videos are just too big to lose. 82 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,834 (SCANNING) 83 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,514 Sirs, look. 84 00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,997 Red Dwarf. This is us! 85 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,677 It's a TV series about us. 86 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,878 It recounts all our adventures, every single one of them. 87 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,712 How's this possible? 88 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,718 We're characters from a TV series who've somehow escaped the TV world, 89 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,354 into the real world. 90 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,559 That explains why the dimension cutter said our reality wasn't valid. 91 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,598 I'm not real. I'm a character in a TV series. 92 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,751 I'm not real. I'm not real. 93 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,272 -That explains so much. -I'm not real either. 94 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,518 Does that mean I'm not really this good looking? 95 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,117 Just typical of my luck, isn't it? 96 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,431 Just when things start to go right it turns out that I'm... 97 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,830 I'm not real. Fantastic! 98 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,238 Now sirs, we need clear heads and equanimity. 99 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,756 Naturally, it's extremely disturbing to discover that we are just 100 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,353 characters in a TV series. 101 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,717 And naturally there's going to be a period of acclimatisation. 102 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,316 But it's essential that we keep all this in perspective. 103 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,877 We're not real! What are we gonna do? 104 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,871 There, I think that's pretty much put in it in perspective. 105 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,998 -Don't you, sirs? -This is too weird for words. 106 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,111 Hey guys, look at this. 107 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,232 Back to Earth. That's the story we're in now. 108 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,318 He's right. Look! 109 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,077 There's no disc in it. 110 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,236 Coming soon, it's not out yet. 111 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:44,391 Back to Earth takes place after series 10. 112 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:49,073 Kochanski's dead and the crew are hurled through a portal 113 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,596 and discover they're just characters from a TV series. 114 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,717 Knowing they will die in the final episode. 115 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:55,835 Die? 116 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,799 The Dwarfers, in best Blade Runner tradition, 117 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,113 track down their creators to plead for more life. 118 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,952 -How are we gonna do that? -Easy. 119 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,635 Hey buds, give us more life. I'm pleading with you. See? 120 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,678 First the crew attempt to track down the actors... 121 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,397 actors who play them in the series and their metaphysical odyssey begins. 122 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,793 All my life I've wanted to go on a metaphysical odyssey. 123 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,156 For years I never thought I'd get the chance. 124 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,437 -So what happens next? -Doesn't say, it's a three-parter. 125 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,512 Oh, not a three-parter, I hate three-parters. 126 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,310 What if I'm not in that night? 127 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,717 Say I'm busy? What if... 128 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,516 Oh, I'll tell you what, the toilets here are medieval. 129 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,200 -Bet you felt right at home then. -Oh, there's no toilet paper. 130 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:57,239 Don't use the stuff these days. Like I said they're a simple people. 131 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,594 They eat Spam. 132 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:02,435 I mean there I ** in the cubicle, no paper, wondering what to do. 133 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:07,037 I open the door and see this machine on the wall which blows out hot air. 134 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,559...