09-02 Back To Earth Subtitles

At 00:00:43,160, Character said: No way will this work.

2
At 00:00:45,160, Character said: I'll probably end up with your head
or someone else's legs.

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At 00:00:48,560, Character said: Something always goes wrong.
I'm not building my hopes up.

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At 00:00:53,160, Character said: And we begin.

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At 00:00:54,800, Character said: (SWITCHES MACHINE ON)

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At 00:00:58,440, Character said: -Have you found any dirt on her yet?
-Her character is flawless, sir.

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At 00:01:01,960, Character said: D***n!

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At 00:01:03,200, Character said: And if her character is flawless,
that means...

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At 00:01:05,840, Character said: I know.

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At 00:01:07,280, Character said: I'll have to frame her.

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At 00:01:09,320, Character said: -No, sir. I meant...
-Mmm.

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At 00:01:12,160, Character said: Is working.

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At 00:01:13,480, Character said: Now if calculations correct,

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At 00:01:14,960, Character said: portal should

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At 00:01:17,840, Character said: open now.

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At 00:01:27,080, Character said: It's working!

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At 00:01:35,760, Character said: Something is not right.

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At 00:01:40,040, Character said: Saying we don't exist.

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At 00:01:42,880, Character said: How can this be possible?

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At 00:01:46,960, Character said: Taking us to nearest valid reality.
Makes no sense.

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At 00:01:52,120, Character said: What size is this?

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At 00:01:53,680, Character said: This baby's 50 inches of full,
crotch throbbing pixel power.

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At 00:01:58,080, Character said: I like it!

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At 00:02:00,640, Character said: Too big. It's only for the bedroom.

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At 00:02:06,920, Character said: How can our reality not exist?
It's crazy.

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At 00:02:09,800, Character said: What about this one?

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At 00:02:11,440, Character said: I can't hold on much longer!

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At 00:02:14,800, Character said: Yes, something is very wrong.
Send Rimmer through first see if safe.

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At 00:02:18,920, Character said: What?

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At 00:02:20,800, Character said: Wait!

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At 00:02:24,200, Character said: (SCREAMING) I said, wait!

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At 00:02:33,560, Character said: What was that?

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At 00:02:35,920, Character said: -Did you hear something smash?
-On TV.

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At 00:02:48,760, Character said: Can't hold on much longer!

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At 00:02:53,920, Character said: -MAN: What, is it HD ready?
-It's a version of HD ready, yeah.

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At 00:02:58,400, Character said: (SCREAMING)

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At 00:03:11,480, Character said: (GROANS)

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At 00:03:30,960, Character said: Oh yeah!

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At 00:03:33,480, Character said: (EXCLAIMS IN JOY)

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At 00:03:37,920, Character said: Where are we, Kryten?

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At 00:03:39,480, Character said: Well, according to the Psi scan, sir,
we're in a department store in London

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At 00:03:42,800, Character said: in the early part of the 21st century.

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At 00:03:45,200, Character said: The early part of the 21...

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At 00:03:47,240, Character said: Isn't that when all the banks
went belly up and money became useless?

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At 00:03:51,480, Character said: I've read about that in history.

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At 00:03:54,240, Character said: What a sound system, eh?

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At 00:03:56,080, Character said: Sounds like you're in the room
with them.

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At 00:03:57,760, Character said: -Where are we, Kryten?
-Well, according to the Psi scans, sirs,

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At 00:04:00,760, Character said: -we're in a department store in London.
- (CHUCKLING) Red Dwarf.

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At 00:04:03,040, Character said: -Is this a new series?
-I don't really follow it myself.

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At 00:04:07,200, Character said: Science fiction.

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At 00:04:08,640, Character said: It's all a bit bollocks really,
isn't it?

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At 00:04:10,760, Character said: That Psi scan thing.
Knows everything, doesn't it?

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At 00:04:14,760, Character said: Any bit of exposition,
just ask the Psi scan.

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At 00:04:18,880, Character said: How can it know everything?
Talk about rubbish.

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At 00:04:22,840, Character said: who's he Kryten?

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At 00:04:24,200, Character said: Well, according to the Psi scan, sir,
he's a pompous know-all,

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At 00:04:27,280, Character said: know-nothing idiot
called Mike Mellington,

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At 00:04:30,040, Character said: who incidentally has a very small p***s.

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At 00:04:32,600, Character said: -How does the Psi scan know that?
-Well, it's scanned his e-mail, sir.

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At 00:04:35,520, Character said: He's already onto his fourth tub
of p***s enlargement cream.

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At 00:04:39,720, Character said: Hey buds, the porthole's closed.
We can't get back.

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At 00:04:43,120, Character said: What do you mean, get back? We are back!

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At 00:04:44,880, Character said: This is Earth, this is home.
And we've g***t rid of Kremlin Kate.

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At 00:04:48,360, Character said: Let's crack open the vodka.

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At 00:04:55,480, Character said: It is me or is everyone staring?

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At 00:04:57,360, Character said: Also they all seem to be
in smirk mode, sir.

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At 00:05:00,280, Character said: They're just laughing at your face,
Kryten. Nothing to worry about.

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At 00:05:03,360, Character said: Back in the 21st century,
they laughed at freaks all the time.

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At 00:05:06,680, Character said: They used to have TV shows
on Saturday nights

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At 00:05:08,760, Character said: where they'd get out all the freaks,
make them sing and dance

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At 00:05:11,320, Character said: and then point and laugh at them.
Simple people. Simple tastes.

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At 00:05:22,960, Character said: (WHISPERING) Hey, hey.
What are these things?

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At 00:05:25,760, Character said: They're Digital Versatile Discs, sir.
DVDs for short.

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At 00:05:29,680, Character said: They were very popular in the early part
of the 21st century before they died out

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At 00:05:34,000, Character said: and were replaced with what we use now.

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At 00:05:35,920, Character said: -What, you mean videos?
-Precisely.

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At 00:05:37,760, Character said: Back then no-one knew that
the human race were utterly incapable

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At 00:05:41,200, Character said: of putting the DVDs back in their cases.
Case in point.

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At 00:05:44,840, Character said: Over two trillion went missing
in just over 20 years.

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At 00:05:48,600, Character said: Videos are just too big to lose.

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At 00:05:53,480, Character said: (SCANNING)

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At 00:05:55,160, Character said: Sirs, look.

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At 00:05:57,960, Character said: Red Dwarf. This is us!

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At 00:06:00,720, Character said: It's a TV series about us.

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At 00:06:02,760, Character said: It recounts all our adventures,
every single one of them.

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At 00:06:05,960, Character said: How's this possible?

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At 00:06:08,440, Character said: We're characters from a TV series
who've somehow escaped the TV world,

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At 00:06:13,920, Character said: into the real world.

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At 00:06:15,440, Character said: That explains why the dimension
cutter said our reality wasn't valid.

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At 00:06:19,640, Character said: I'm not real.
I'm a character in a TV series.

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At 00:06:22,680, Character said: I'm not real. I'm not real.

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At 00:06:25,280, Character said: -That explains so much.
-I'm not real either.

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At 00:06:29,400, Character said: Does that mean
I'm not really this good looking?

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At 00:06:34,080, Character said: Just typical of my luck, isn't it?

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At 00:06:36,200, Character said: Just when things start to go right
it turns out that I'm...

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At 00:06:39,520, Character said: I'm not real. Fantastic!

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At 00:06:42,200, Character said: Now sirs, we need clear heads
and equanimity.

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At 00:06:45,320, Character said: Naturally, it's extremely disturbing
to discover that we are just

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At 00:06:48,840, Character said: characters in a TV series.

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At 00:06:50,440, Character said: And naturally there's going
to be a period of acclimatisation.

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At 00:06:53,800, Character said: But it's essential that we keep all this
in perspective.

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At 00:06:57,920, Character said: We're not real! What are we gonna do?

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At 00:06:59,960, Character said: There, I think that's pretty much
put in it in perspective.

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At 00:07:01,960, Character said: -Don't you, sirs?
-This is too weird for words.

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At 00:07:06,200, Character said: Hey guys, look at this.

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At 00:07:11,240, Character said: Back to Earth.
That's the story we're in now.

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At 00:07:14,680, Character said: He's right. Look!

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At 00:07:35,200, Character said: There's no disc in it.

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At 00:07:37,960, Character said: Coming soon, it's not out yet.

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At 00:07:41,080, Character said: Back to Earth takes place
after series 10.

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At 00:07:44,920, Character said: Kochanski's dead and the crew
are hurled through a portal

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At 00:07:49,160, Character said: and discover they're just characters
from a TV series.

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At 00:07:52,760, Character said: Knowing they will die
in the final episode.

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At 00:07:54,800, Character said: Die?

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At 00:07:55,920, Character said: The Dwarfers, in best
Blade Runner tradition,

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At 00:07:59,360, Character said: track down their creators
to plead for more life.

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At 00:08:02,200, Character said: -How are we gonna do that?
-Easy.

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At 00:08:04,040, Character said: Hey buds, give us more life.
I'm pleading with you. See?

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At 00:08:09,560, Character said: First the crew attempt
to track down the actors...

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At 00:08:12,960, Character said: actors who play them in the series
and their metaphysical odyssey begins.

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At 00:08:17,880, Character said: All my life I've wanted to go
on a metaphysical odyssey.

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At 00:08:20,880, Character said: For years I never thought
I'd get the chance.

124
At 00:08:23,240, Character said: -So what happens next?
-Doesn't say, it's a three-parter.

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At 00:08:26,520, Character said: Oh, not a three-parter,
I hate three-parters.

126
At 00:08:30,080, Character said: What if I'm not in that night?

127
At 00:08:32,760, Character said: Say I'm busy? What if...

128
At 00:08:45,080, Character said: Oh, I'll tell you what,
the toilets here are medieval.

129
At 00:08:49,320, Character said: -Bet you felt right at home then.
-Oh, there's no toilet paper.

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At 00:08:53,280, Character said: Don't use the stuff these days.
Like I said they're a simple people.

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At 00:08:57,320, Character said: They eat Spam.

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At 00:08:58,680, Character said: I mean there I ** in the cubicle,
no paper, wondering what to do.

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At 00:09:02,520, Character said: I open the door and see this machine
on the wall which blows out hot air.

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