11-06 Can Of Worms Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:04,720 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,160 (BEEPING) 3 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,320 Ah, what's this? 4 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:51,920 I salvaged it from the Medistation, sir. It's a personality tuck machine. 5 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,840 Mmm, so it can perform corrective surgery on your character? 6 00:00:55,920 --> 00:01:00,840 Exactly. It scans the patient's brain and forms a personality map. 7 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,200 It's then able to enhance, remove, 8 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,800 even sculpt the very traits that make that person who they are. 9 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,280 Hypothetically... I'm speaking hypothetically here, 10 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:12,160 do you think I could do with a little work? 11 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,720 Take a seat, sir. I'll cancel this week's schedule. 12 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,000 So, what can you do for me exactly? 13 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:23,760 I'll begin by just working out the areas I think we might be able to improve. 14 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,760 Now here, here, here, 15 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,240 here, here, definitely here. 16 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,760 Yes, all right, Kryten, get on with it, man. 17 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,600 Well, take your pomposity, large and unsightly. 18 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,360 Your self-importance, too, is massively engorged. 19 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,600 What's that huge area in the middle there? 20 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,520 Well, that is your cowardice, sir. 21 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,600 Perhaps you'd like me to perform a cowardectomy? 22 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,360 What, reduce it. A sort of wimpoplasty? 23 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,040 Hey, what's happening, buds? 24 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:57,040 I'm about to perform some personality surgery on Mr Rimmer. 25 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,720 He's getting a new personality? Great idea. 26 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,960 Not new, moulded, tightened, lifted, shaped. 27 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,680 This is gonna transform me. 28 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:10,880 I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormous bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of. 29 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,040 Now, Kryten, one thing. This isn't gonna hurt, is it? 30 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:16,760 There'll just be the slightest, 31 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,960 - Infinitesimally tiny little scratch. - Scratch? 32 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,920 - Well, when I insert the laser. - Laser? 33 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,320 - Well, it has to burn... - Burn? 34 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,200 Well, perhaps I should give you a holo-sedative, sir. 35 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,120 - With a needle? - Sir, please. 36 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:32,040 I'll talk you through every aspect of the procedure step by step. 37 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,880 Right now, I'm just in the... W- where's he gone? 38 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,440 Out the door and left. 39 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:41,000 Oh, Einstein was wrong. It is possible to break the speed of light. 40 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,120 (ALARM SOUNDING) 41 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,400 What the... 42 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,560 Guys? Keep the noise down, I'm trying to sleep here. 43 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,120 Whoa! What's going on? We're way off course here. 44 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,400 Who's the joker in charge of navigation? 45 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,920 You are, sir. 46 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:20,240 Seriously? Oh, man. I think I might've dosed off. 47 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,080 Lister, we're 5,000 klicks off course. 48 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,280 All you had to do was engage autopilot, your watch, your fault. 49 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:26,920 You can't blame me for this. 50 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,400 What kind of lunch was that to give your pilot? 51 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,080 Roast beef with all the trimmings, followed by seconds, 52 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,240 followed by sticky toffee pudding, followed by seconds, 53 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:39,320 followed by beer and coffee and cheese and brandy and port and cigars 54 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,160 and that little chocolate mint. 55 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,800 What chance did I stand after a Sunday lunch like that? 56 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,040 - How long have I been out? - It's Monday, sir. 57 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,280 Oh, man. No way. 58 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,560 It's gonna take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now. 59 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,760 Maybe we could take a short cut across that asteroid belt. 60 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,080 GELF country? 61 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:58,800 If the stories are to be believed, 62 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:02,760 the particular tribe of GELF that inhabit belt Juno 98 63 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,960 are the... (GIBBERISH) 64 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,160 Oh, sorry. I just sat down on a screwdriver. 65 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,080 Why does nobody tidy up around here except me? 66 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,720 Kryten, you were saying? 67 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,880 I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particular tribe are the Nacky Ninckers. 68 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,800 Vampire GELFs to you and me. 69 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,280 Vampire GELFs? 70 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,320 The story goes they feast on the blood of virgins. 71 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,080 Feast on the blood of virgins(!) 72 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,840 Who believes that? Taking her in. 73 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,920 Wait a minute, hang on here, slow the hell down. 74 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,480 - What's the problem? - I'm just curious. 75 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,880 How do they tell the virgins from the non-virgins? 76 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,840 Well, according to the ancient myths, they can smell them. 77 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,880 Smell 'em? What the hell does a virgin smell of? 78 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,560 Desperation, normally. 79 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,440 Actually, sir, the actual science is 80 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,360 that the GELFs can smell the pheromone produced by fear. 81 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:58,720 Only the virgins are scared, 82 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,360 so they're the only ones producing the fear pheromone. 83 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,840 - Thus no issue for us. - Taking her in. 84 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:08,160 Hang on, hold up. Can we discuss this for one stupid, lousy second? 85 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,400 - Hang on a minute, are you... - No. 86 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:12,680 - I suppose you must... - No! 87 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,600 - I never really... - Don't even say it. 88 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,560 Okay. Moving on. 89 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,360 Didn't mean to open up a can of worms here. 90 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,680 I've had my share, let me tell ya. 91 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,120 More than my share. 92 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,800 Plus I've had full blown love affairs, too. 93 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,600 Well, yes, mirror in the bathroom, 94 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,640 mirror in the hall... I'd forgotten about those. 95 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,160 Don't you guys know that cats always have two homes? 96 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,480 I g***t a lady cat back on Red Dwarf. 97 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,840 - Hell, I g***t two. - On Zed deck. 98 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,120 - On Zed deck. - On Zed deck. 99 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,240 Exactly. That's where they are, on Zed deck. 100 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,360 But hiding from you guys, because they're only interested in me. 101 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,800 We will go the long way 'round. 102 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:53,320 And be quick about it, because I gotta get back to my lady cats on Zed deck. 103 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,240 I'm suddenly starting to miss 'em real bad. 104 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,040 (SOBBING) 105 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,080 (MONITOR BEEPS) 106 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,480 I'm picking up a ship. 107 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,920 The energy signature's barely registering. 108 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,360 The signal's weaker than the San Marino reserve team. 109 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,480 Posting, logging into their mainframe. 110 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,160 Don't bother, in this region of space, it could well be a GELF battle cruiser. 111 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:19,320 Maintain current course. 112 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:20,840 That gets my vote. 113 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,280 According to the hack, it's a transport ship, crew two, 114 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,200 one Mercenoid, one prisoner. 115 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,520 A merce-what? 116 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,560 A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, who has agreed to sacrifice his life 117 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,760 in exchange for software updates in silicone heaven. 118 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,280 These Mercenoids are nuttier than a vegetarian breakfast. 119 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,480 That probably explains why the Mercenoid and his prisoner 120 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,360 are on a death dive into the heart of a super-massive black hole. 121 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:45,720 So what now? 122 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,040 We're gonna board that crate before it passes the event horizon. 123 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,480 Risk our necks for one prisoner? 124 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:55,360 Rimmer, that prisoner might be human, we can't just abandon them. 125 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,080 Never say can't, Lister. 126 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,760 You put your mind to it, there's no limit to who you can abandon. 127 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:03,880 All right, Cat, take her in, Rimmer lend me your Dictaphone. 128 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,440 What, why? 129 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,440 Because I've g***t an idea. 130 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:13,240 Right. Come on, let's do this. 131...