Birds of a Feather s03e11 Schooling Subtitles

00:00:06,660 --> 00:00:07,Going out, then?

00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:09,Yes, I **, actually.

00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:11,Anywhere nice?

00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,Just up the West End.

00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:13,Again?

00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,Yes, again.

00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:16,Any objections?

00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:19,Chigwell's out of quarantine now, you
know.

00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,Have you heard?

00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:23,They've taken the barriers down at
Stanford Hill.

00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,Thought I'd make a dash for it.

00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,Well, why not, I thought.

00:00:28,860 --> 00:00:30,It's another stamp on my passport, isn't
it?

00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,All right, all right. I was only asking.

00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,It's a nice blaze. No, isn't it?

00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:39,Not exactly.

00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:41,What do you mean, not exactly?

00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:44,I mean, not exactly, actually.

00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,Well, where exactly, actually, did you
get it?

00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,I g***t it from the men cap shop in the
high street. All right.

00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:55,You get a very nice class of tat in
Chigwell.

00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:00,I've g***t a week for after term next
week. At least I'll have Garthy around

00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:02,talk to. I bet he's really looking
forward to coming home.

00:01:03,020 --> 00:01:06,Two weeks in Chigwell. Must be every
teenager's dream.

00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,Go write to Jimmy Savile from Malibu and
Tahiti.

00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,See if he can fix them up with a
fortnight round here.

00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,Well, why wouldn't he be looking forward
to it? I **.

00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,I haven't seen him since the summer
holidays.

00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,And he hasn't seen his dad since God
knows when.

00:01:25,780 --> 00:01:28,Perfume's a bit strong, isn't it? Is
that new and all?

00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:30,What is this?

00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,The Chigwell Inquisition?

00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:35,Where ** I going? Where did I get these
things?

00:01:35,460 --> 00:01:37,You're my sister, not my blooming
probation officer.

00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:40,All right, all right. I was only
chatting.

00:01:40,220 --> 00:01:41,No, you weren't.

00:01:41,460 --> 00:01:43,You're all sly innuendo and oblique
questions.

00:01:45,130 --> 00:01:46,A bleak?

00:01:46,870 --> 00:01:48,Yes, a bleak.

00:01:48,770 --> 00:01:50,It means not straightforward.

00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:52,You know, iffy. I know.

00:01:53,270 --> 00:01:54,And where are you getting all these new
words?

00:01:55,230 --> 00:01:57,You've been sneaking off and having
elocution lessons.

00:01:57,690 --> 00:01:58,Is that where you're going?

00:01:59,450 --> 00:02:02,I'm going into town to see about a job.
All right.

00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:05,Again? That's the third job you've been
for in a fortnight.

00:02:05,670 --> 00:02:07,So? There's three more than you've gone
for.

00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:10,So how come you haven't g***t one of them?

00:02:10,949 --> 00:02:13,Well, I'm obviously not suitable, ** I?

00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:14,Well, what sort of jobs are you going
for?

00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,Well, obviously ones I'm not suitable
for.

00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,And if you don't mind, I've g***t an
appointment, actually.

00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,Sounds like you could use an appointment
with somebody.

00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,And what's that supposed to mean?

00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:29,Nothing, actually.

00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,I was just being a bleak.

00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:37,Gosh.

00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,You mean it was all stockings over their
head and sawn -off shotguns and all

00:02:41,820 --> 00:02:43,that? Well, they'd seen it on
television.

00:02:44,210 --> 00:02:47,They'd g***t the costumes right, they'd
just g***t the choreography wrong.

00:02:48,550 --> 00:02:52,But there was no miscarriage of justice,
no free Christopher Theodore

00:02:52,870 --> 00:02:55,Lopapopadopadis campaign?

00:02:56,090 --> 00:02:58,No, we couldn't fit his name on the
badges.

00:02:59,630 --> 00:03:02,In fact, with a name like his, you can't
even spray it on a wall.

00:03:03,130 --> 00:03:05,Your aerosol runs out before you get to
the end.

00:03:06,870 --> 00:03:09,No, we couldn't get him out, so we
decided to do the next best thing.

00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,Let him rot.

00:03:12,740 --> 00:03:13,You're wicked.

00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:14,Oh, he is.

00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,That's why he's where he is.

00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:20,Well, that's my average of a quarter,
and that's being generous.

00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,So how comes there's no woman in your
life?

00:03:24,180 --> 00:03:25,Oh, I never met Miss Wright.

00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,Or even Mrs Wright that I could steal
off someone.

00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,I never seemed to meet many women full
stop.

00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,Hence the, um, pathetic small ad.

00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:37,Oh, it wasn't that small.

00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,It was bigger than Oriental Doctor
Sleeps Western Playmate.

00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:44,You considered that one, then, did you?

00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:46,Only briefly.

00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,Didn't say what kind of doctor he was,
did it?

00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,Now, I could do with a plastic surgeon.

00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,You know, he might get something out of
it.

00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:59,New chin, a pair of flared nostrils, a
few spare bits from Bridget Nilsen.

00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,Oh, you cheer me up, Sharon, you really
do.

00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,You're my one escape from my drab,
predictable existence.

00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,Come on. What are they really like?

00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,You're riding the shooting crowd.

00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:18,Well, about as warm and inviting as your
average deep freeze.

00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:21,About as funny as a row of coffins.

00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:24,I just can't imagine you fitting in with
them.

00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:27,Me? I was brought up to fit in.

00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:32,I've g***t degrees in fitting in. I spend
90 % of my waking life fitting in.

00:04:33,610 --> 00:04:34,And the other 10 %?

00:04:35,930 --> 00:04:36,I'm on the loo.

00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:41,That's my other escape.

00:04:42,910 --> 00:04:45,Which is why it's so much fun seeing
you, Sharon.

00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:47,You've no idea how claustrophobic life
becomes.

00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,You know, never letting go, never being
embarrassing.

00:04:53,130 --> 00:04:56,Being embarrassing is something I've
always had a natural talent for.

00:04:57,570 --> 00:05:01,You know, the first time I saw you, I
thought, now that is a woman I could be

00:05:01,070 --> 00:05:02,really embarrassing with.

00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:07,By the way, I, um, I booked it.

00:05:08,580 --> 00:05:09,Booked what?

00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:12,Well, somewhere to be really
embarrassing.

00:05:13,940 --> 00:05:14,Here's the brochure.

00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,I booked us in for the whole weekend.

00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:21,Auntie Ruby's five -star catering.

00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:27,Um, no, that's, um, that's the wrong
brochure, sorry. That's, that's for Mr.

00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,Chips and Teabag. Um, here, look.

00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,Lovely.

00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,The old weekend.

00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,Abbey Court Hotel.

00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,Rose Gardens, little courtyard.

00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:45,Four poster beds.

00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,Well, we can take the posts down if they
bother you.

00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:51,They won't bother me.

00:06:03,470 --> 00:06:04,Something for you.

00:06:05,110 --> 00:06:07,Mark, you should have. I love buying you
presents.

00:06:08,130 --> 00:06:13,I mean, it's nothing special. It's not a
pair of flared nostrils or any spare

00:06:13,670 --> 00:06:14,bits of Bridget Nilsen.

00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:17,Oh, Mark, it's gorgeous.

00:06:22,790 --> 00:06:24,You old fibber.

00:06:28,030 --> 00:06:30,It's full of bits of Bridget Nilsen.

00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,It's bloody secrets. I think it's
pathetic.

00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:50,The last person that kept secrets from
me is serving 12 years for blagging

00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:51,security vans.

00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:55,Look, you're not going to believe this,
Trace.

00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:01,Hello?

00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:03,Garfield!

00:07:04,460 --> 00:07:06,On a course, I remember. Your room's
ready.

00:07:09,660 --> 00:07:10,What?

00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,you for about four days.

00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:18,Eh?

00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,Oh, really? Just two of the last four
days?

00:07:21,820 --> 00:07:22,Well, lucky me.

00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:25,Do you think you might find half -a***s go
and visit your dad?

00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,Listen, I don't care what the others are...