Chewing.Gum.s01e02.Binned.[MPup] Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,400 I always thought white people were bad kissers and it's not their fault, 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,960 it's just that they've g***t really small lips and they can't embrace 3 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,000 the challenge of lips like mine. 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,400 And then they try and compensate 5 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,520 for their lack of lips with the tongue and then the tongue ends up 6 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,240 everywhere, just flapping about, you get my drift? 7 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:14,720 But Connor, he was good. 8 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:16,200 (CLANGING) 9 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,160 Hi. You alright? 10 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:31,960 Ah! (KISSES) 11 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,640 Ah! Connor! 12 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,800 (MUTTERS) Hello. 13 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:46,880 # Life ain't so great, yeah They'll be dancing the moan 14 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:51,160 # And life ain't Hollywood for any one of us 15 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,320 # If ever you're in doubt 16 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,160 # Just get your wings out 17 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,600 # Go on, darling, get your rhythm on 18 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,920 # Somewhere else. # 19 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,320 He ain't your boyfriend. What's his name? 20 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,000 Connor. Full name. 21 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,840 Connor grabbed my left boob. Does he have a job? 22 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:10,640 Without dropping the left boob, he went for the right. 23 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,320 Why does it matter if he's g***t a job? Does Connor have a girlfriend? 24 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,360 Yeah, me. 25 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,640 You ain't even met his d***k yet. Well, yeah, I have, so... 26 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,400 What's it like? It's big. 27 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,440 How big? 28 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,320 If he put it up me, yeah, it could've come through, 29 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,120 up, like, out my mouth, yeah, 30 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,880 and then, like, just tied a knot around itself and strangled itself 31 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,160 till it was dead. 32 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,800 That's how big...it was. 33 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,520 Real talk. 34 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,560 A'ight, tell me this, yeah? Is he circumcised? 35 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,960 What's his door number? Er, it's...number 20... 36 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,400 11! 11, that's what I said. 37 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,040 You have no idea how to make a man your boyfriend. 38 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,640 Pall Malls, please. 39 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,400 My son nicked all mine, f***g wayward b***d. 40 00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,720 Er, menthol, please. 41 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,600 Oh, sorry. 42 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,520 Alright? You alright, Mandy? 43 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:09,280 Do you hear Karly Raven g***t pregnant by a Somali? 44 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,480 10 pack, please. 45 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,920 Yeah, one of them pirate-looking Somalians from Brick Lane - 46 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:16,480 they look like pirates. 47 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,560 Oh, er...you can't... 48 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,200 Sorry, theft is not allowed. Excuse me? 49 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,520 I ain't thefted a thing. I pay my way, I just... 50 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,720 I just came in here asking for a bloody packet of Pall Malls! 51 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:30,800 No, it's 'cause there's cameras now, innit? 52 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,560 Is there? 53 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,360 They new? Oh. 54 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,880 Fair enough, then. 55 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,400 Are Somalians black? 56 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,200 I've never been too sure. 57 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,680 I suppose there's various different types of black. 58 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:50,200 Somalis look a bit mixed race, but, like...something went wrong. 59 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,320 OK, see you on the estate. 60 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,120 (DOORBELL CHIMES) 61 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,240 What a prat. Why is she jacking baby food? 62 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,680 I know. 63 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,560 You should see her son. 64 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,560 Who is it? Who's her son? Who's her son, tell me. 65 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,520 Connor. 66 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:14,120 Dating is never easy and can often throw up a lot of problems... 67 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,160 Agents of Satan, we shan't be swayed. 68 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,480 ..promising to hook you up with whoever you fancy 69 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,040 whenever you fancy it. 70 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,640 But how do you get beyond that first date? 71 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:30,000 What's on your mind, dear? Er...nothing. 72 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,880 Maybe you're pregnant. 73 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,640 Ha! What nonsense. Ronald is a man of God. 74 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,640 Maybe he's not the father. Oh, shut up! 75 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,880 Shut down and reboot. No, shut up! 76 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,280 Hey! Hey! Hey! 77 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,560 (ALL CONTINUE ARGUING) 78 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,080 How is my future son-in-law? 79 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,800 God strike me down now! 80 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,440 (SHRIEKS) 81 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,560 Yeah, yeah, he's really good. 82 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,040 Next up - from first date to forever. 83 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,480 How to make the man of your dreams... 84 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,880 Mm, that would be Connor. ..your boyfriend. 85 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,600 We asked three of London's most sought-after relationship gurus. 86 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,960 The gurus. 87 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,520 Yeah, I'll just ask them as well, innit? 88 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,720 If he wants to put it in your bum just breathe through it. 89 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,480 Don't start panicking, saying it hurts, 'cause he will dump you. 90 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,520 Don't be there primarily as a function or role. 91 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:26,160 Ebony, Mahogany, stop it, or I'll put you into f***g foster care! 92 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,240 A field of conscious presence. 93 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,360 I like that. Eckhart Tolle. 94 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,160 Was he in Star Wars? No. 95 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,840 I think Dark Knight needs his feed. 96 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,400 Aww! Dark Knight, is that a nickname? 97 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,200 BOTH: No. 98 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,760 Swallow it through the hard times. 99 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,000 Persevere. 100 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,840 My mother always says, 101 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:47,000 those who enjoy their coffee black, tend to love the taste of semen. 102 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,560 Field of conscious presence 103 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,520 and support him, 104 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,800 impress him...be strong. 105 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:06,040 You're fuckin' jokin'. Don't be a jobsworth, it's just baby food. 106 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:10,240 Uh, uh...no. I just came for Connor. 107 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,560 Oh, great! You can help me take a photo. 108 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,200 (DOG BARKS) 109 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,560 So, is Connor home? 110 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,120 No, no, no. 111 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,120 Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's just...let's just do it. 112 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,400 Oh, it's nice to have a BFF to do this stuff with. 113 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,200 Yeah, yeah, definitely. 114 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,760 Erm...I'm actually here for Connor. 115 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,480 It feels a bit weird talking to you about this stuff. 116 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,560 No, don't be silly. Come on, tell your girl. 117 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,800 I'm, sort of, trying to move things past casual. 118 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,960 Nice! You'll have a task and a half there, though. 119 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,240 He's never had a girlfriend. What...never? 120 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,960 I suppose he's waiting for the perfect one, who knows? 121 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,960 Uploading. 122 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,880 Thanks for this. 123 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,920 You putting that on the internet? 124 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,560 They say you're more likely to get someone 125 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,960 if they know what you look like. 126 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:07,320 What is it, like, match.com? Yeah, myfucksoulmate.co.uk 127 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,880 You look nice. You look nice. 128 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,200 Um... 129 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,160 Ooh. Ah... 130 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,520 Yeah, I'll do it. 131 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,160 Ooh, tangled. It's fine. 132 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,480 It's very tricky. No, it's my, erm... 133 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,960 I wanna be your field of conscious presence. 134 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,840 What do I take off first - my bra or my skirt? 135 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,040 Do you wanna take any of it off? No. 136 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,280 Well, you don't have to. OK. 137 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,200 Oh! Oh, my God, are you alright? 138 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,560 Yeah. I'm sorry. 139 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,680 It's fine. 140 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,240 Aarggh! Sorry, sorry. 141 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,000 It's alright, it's alright. 142 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,280 I don't know what I'm doing. 143 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,640 What's wrong? I don't know what I'm doing. 144 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,000 It don't matter, I'll love it. Just do what you want. 145...