South Park - 1x01 Subtitles

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And now, a fireside chat[br]with the creators of South Park:

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Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

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- Hi. I'm Trey Parker.[br]- I'm Matt Stone.

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- This is Scratch. Say hi, old fella.[br]- We do a show called South Park.

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Tell us a little about yourselves.

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I met Matthew at the University[br]of Colorado in film school.

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I actually met him[br]in beginning filmmaking.

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I found someone who could make me[br]laugh, even when I felt like crying.

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Guys, who would you say[br]are your role models?

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I'd have to say my biggest[br]role model is Matt.

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I'd have to say mine[br]is Theodore Roosevelt...

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...for his work with the Rough Riders.

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Tell us about this episode.

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It's called "Cartman Gets[br]an A***l Probe." It's our favorite.

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Kyle's brother Ike[br]is abducted by aliens...

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...and Cartman has strange things[br]implanted in his a***s.

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The reason this episode[br]is old Scratch's favorite...

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...is because it's the only episode[br]we animated all by ourselves.

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This was the pilot,[br]done before we had a series...

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...so we had to do[br]the whole thing ourselves.

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For several months, we were locked[br]into a cold, dark, little room...

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...for long periods of time.

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That "kick the baby" game looks fun.[br]Have you played it personally?

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Neither of us have children.

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The only family we have[br]is each other and old Scratch.

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- We're not married yet.[br]- We can't even get dates.

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The truth is, until we have children,[br]we won't know whether we'll kick them.

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You write alien-encounter material[br]with a certain knowledge.

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Have either of you[br]actually been abducted?

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Trey, it's okay.[br]Go ahead and tell them.

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I grew up near South Park,[br]so I was abducted as a small child.

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I remember the experience.[br]I remember how horrible it was.

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I remember too much.

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So sit back, relax and enjoy[br]"Cartman Gets an A***l Probe."

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Cartman Gets an A***l Probe

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D***n it! My little brother's trying[br]to follow me to school again.

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Ike, you can't come to school with me.

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- Go home, you little d***o.[br]- Dude, don't call my brother a d***o.

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- What's a d***o?[br]- I don't know.

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- Cartman doesn't know either.[br]- I know what it is!

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- Well, what?[br]- I'm not telling you.

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What's a d***o, Kenny?

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Yeah, that's what Kyle's[br]little brother is, all right.

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- That kicks a***s.[br]- Check this one out.

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- Ready, Ike? Kick the baby.[br]- Don't kick the baby.

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Kick the baby.

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Looks like you didn't get much sleep.

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- I had these bogus nightmares.[br]- Really? What about?

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Well, I dreamt that I was lying[br]in my bed, in the dark...

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...when all of a sudden,[br]this bright blue light filled the room.

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And slowly my bedroom door opened.[br]The next thing I remember...

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...I was being dragged[br]through a hallway.

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Then I was on a table, and these[br]scary aliens wanted to operate on me.

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And they had big heads and black eyes.

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- Dude, visitors![br]- What?

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- Those were visitors.[br]- It was just a dream. My mom said so.

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- They're are real.[br]- They abduct people and mutilate cows.

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Shut up. You're trying to scare me,[br]and it's not working.

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- Hello, children.[br]- Hey, Chef.

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- What's for lunch today?[br]- Salisbury steak with buttered noodles.

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- Bean casserole or vegetable medley.[br]- Kick a***s.

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Did any of you see[br]the alien spaceship last night?

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Yeah, fat boy saw it.

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That was just a dream.[br]And I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!

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Was it the ones with the big heads[br]and black eyes?

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- They took him on their ship.[br]- Did they give you an a***l probe?

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What's that?

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That's when they put a metal hoop[br]up your butt.

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- They gave you an a***l probe, Cartman?[br]- No! I mean, why would they do that?

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They did, huh?[br]Aliens stuck stuff up your a***s!

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- A***l probe.[br]- Shut up, d***o!

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I gotta get to the cafeteria.[br]Watch that fat boy, now.

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He could be under alien control.

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They were real. Sorry about your a***s.

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Goddamn it, they didn't do anything[br]to my a***s! It was just a dream.

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- Why you walking so funny?[br]- Shut up!

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No, Ike, go home.

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This is it. This one's for the game.[br]Kick the baby.

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- Good morning, Mrs. Crabtree.[br]- Sit down, we're late!

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- He's still there.[br]- Don't worry.

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If something happens to him,[br]my parents will blame me.

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Sit down back there!

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- Whatever, you fat bitch.[br]- What did you say?!

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I said, I have a bad itch.

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Oh, my God!

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- Visitors![br]- Oh, no!

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Ike! Stop the bus!

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You have to stop this bus!

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- Do you want an office referral?[br]- No.

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- Then sit down![br]- But l...

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- Are those the same visitors you saw?[br]- Shut up, it's not working.

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- We have to do something.[br]- We can't.

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- That fat bitch won't let us.[br]- What did you say?!

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- I said that rabbits eat lettuce.[br]- Well, yes, they certainly do.

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What ** I gonna do? My brother[br]has been abducted by aliens.

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You farted.

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Somebody's baking brownies.

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That's the third cow this month.

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At this rate, all my cattle will die[br]before the winter's through.

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This isn't unusual. Cows turn[br]themselves inside out all the time.

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People been saying[br]they've seen UFOs around.

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UFOs?

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And black Army CIA helicopters[br]and trucks.

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That is the silliest thing[br]I've ever heard.

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- What was that?[br]- That was a pigeon.

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What ** I supposed to do?

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Just stand here and watch my cattle[br]get mutilated one by one?

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My cattle!

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See? There is something[br]funny going on.

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There's nothing funny going on.[br]I'll get those cows back.

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And now our friend Mr. Hat is going[br]to tell us about Christopher Columbus.

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That's right, Mr. Garrison.

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Columbus discovered America[br]and was the Indians' best friend.

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He helped them win their war[br]against Frederick Douglass...

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...and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon[br]and discovered France.

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I have to help my stupid brother. If I[br]go home without him, my dad will yell:

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"Where's your brother?[br]You weren't looking out for him."

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- Let's go find him.[br]- "He can't think on his own.

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Brush and floss.[br]Where has that finger been?"

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- Dude![br]- Is there a problem?

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- Yes, I have to go now.[br]- Really, Kyle?

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- What is it? Another prostate tumor?[br]- My brother's been abducted by aliens.

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It's true. Ask Cartman.[br]They gave him an a***l probe.

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- That's a little joke.[br]- Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go.

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- Can I please be excused?[br]- I don't know. Did you ask Mr. Hat?

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I don't wanna ask Mr. Hat.[br]I'm asking you!

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- I think you should ask Mr. Hat.[br]- Mr. Hat,...