09-01 Back To Earth - Part 1 Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,240 (LAUGHING) 2 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,117 This is going to be so good. Come on. Get a grip, get a grip. 3 00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,838 (LAUGHING AGAIN) 4 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,070 It's g***t to be in the middle, the middle, you metal moron. 5 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:15,790 Look, this is my vending machine maintenance man of the month certificate 6 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,952 we are reframing here, my one and only Mr April. 7 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,997 There's no room for sloppiness. 8 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:24,436 And you can take that look off your face for a start. 9 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,239 (ROBOT JERKING) 10 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,992 -Where's Kryten? I need him. -He's on holiday. 11 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,516 -Holiday? -Yeah. A week off, no duties. 12 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:37,749 Just thought he needed it. 13 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,797 Lister, Kryten is a mechanoid, a machine. 14 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,076 Machines don't go on holiday. 15 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,720 Who's next? The egg whisk? Two weeks in Mauritius? 16 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,474 Booked him and your electric toothbrush a double room, have you? 17 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,551 -He was tired. -Tired? 18 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,991 What was it? Metal fatigue? 19 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,033 (CHUCKLING) Holiday! Where's he gone? 20 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,831 Erm, broom cupboard on V deck. 21 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:02,233 Really nice shelf. V deck? Why not B deck or C deck, somewhere close? 22 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,637 He wanted to travel. Didn't you read his postcard? 23 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,950 He's loving it. Taken his feet off, unscrewed his head. 24 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,960 Eyes bobbing about in a bowl of lens cleaner. 25 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,429 He's having the time of his life. 26 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:25,954 Tomatoes? 27 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:30,593 Supply decks. 200 floors. It took me ages to get these. 28 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,153 I smegging hate tomatoes, taste, texture. 29 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:41,594 Don't know why I put myself through it. 30 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,916 Lister, why do you eat tomatoes when you don't like them? 31 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,391 -There's plenty of other things to eat. -It's g***t to be tomatoes, man. 32 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,551 Only thing I'm allergic to. 33 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,519 why do you want to eat something you're allergic to? 34 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,637 According to the read-outs, we're down to our last water tank. 35 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,189 Only G deck left. I'm saving water. 36 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,112 Lister, have you ever been down to G deck? 37 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,669 Seen the water tank? There's loads of water left. 38 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:08,390 So how come only a trickle's coming out of the taps then? 39 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,513 Uh, how does eating tomatoes save water? 40 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,839 It's coming. 41 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,469 (SIGHS) 42 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,312 Don't suppose you want any ironing doing, do you? 43 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,000 I get it. 44 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,114 I get it. 45 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,672 I love it when it makes that squish sound, don't you? 46 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,354 You've spent hours planning this, haven't you? 47 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:39,071 Hours, this wind-up. Because that's exactly what it is. 48 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,357 Going down to the supply decks, trawling through the crates, 49 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,478 getting half hysterical at the thought of my face as you start to 50 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,233 iron your sneezes. 51 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,434 Was it really worth it, Listy? 52 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:54,515 Hours and hours and hours of planning for eight seconds of pleasure? 53 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,800 Sounds like the last time you had s***x. 54 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,638 Lister, you need to get a life. 55 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,714 ROBOT: Level 56 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,069 Level 57 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,758 Level 58 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:22,829 Level 59 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,799 LISTER: Close. 60 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,760 Not level 61 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,395 I thought I'd read you another book. 62 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,916 It's one of those stupid ones you used to really like. 63 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:25,631 Jane Oostin? 64 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,755 Austin? 65 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,435 Orsdon? 66 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,993 I'm not quite sure how you pronounce it. 67 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,712 Sense and Sensibility. 68 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,998 Pray to God there's some car chases in this one. 69 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:49,110 "The family of Dashwood had long been settled in Sussex." 70 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,510 Ow! 71 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,838 What happened to you? 72 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:06,194 You g***t a minute? 73 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,712 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 74 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,674 Tell him. 75 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,878 I'm walking through the cargo deck, right, minding my own d***n business 76 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,032 when all of a sudden... You know that big tank on G deck? 77 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,872 He means the water tank. 78 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,919 Suddenly there's a disturbance on the surface of the tank and... 79 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:29,714 (IMITATING A SPLASH) 80 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:34,351 This massive testicle shoots up out of the water and grabs me by the throat. 81 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,750 -He means "tentacle". -I hope so. 82 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:42,358 Before I know it, I'm flying through the air being waved about from side to side. 83 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,309 I'm shouting, I'm screaming, because this thing, whatever it is, 84 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,630 is absolutely ruining my hair. 85 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,078 Next thing I know, it pulls me down into the icy waters 86 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,753 and I'm shouting and screaming again 87 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,798 because everything I'm wearing is Dry Clean Only. 88 00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,510 Suddenly, I'm staring at this big eye. 89 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,752 It's about this big. 90 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,313 No, this big. 91 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:10,909 No, this big. Man, it was just... Oh, what's the right word? 92 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:12,833 -Big? -Exactly. 93 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,319 And then the beast, because that's what it is, 94 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,916 opens its mouth and I realised that's where I'm heading. 95 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,750 So I combed my hair and fainted. 96 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:27,471 Came to, I'm on the floor by the side of the tank, no sign of the creature. 97 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,270 Oh! 98 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,679 -I need counselling. -You've g***t that right. 99 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,478 So where did it go? 100 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,560 It didn't say and it didn't leave a note. 101 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,200 -This is so weird. -It's not that weird. 102 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:42,793 Probably can't even write. 103 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,838 How'd it even hold a pen with its big testicle? 104 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,991 It's slithered back into the water tank, hasn't it? 105 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,869 But a sea monster? In the water tank? That's not right. 106 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,280 We're in deep space. 107 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:58,116 # Holiday, celebrate, holiday # 108 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,875 Hey! Surf boy is back from Broomtown. 109 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,032 What a vacation, sirs. 110 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,875 I can't remember the last time I was so relaxed and utterly carefree. 111 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,951 There's a big monster in the water tank. 112 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,235 Oh my gosh! 113 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,391 -That's why we're down on water. -We're down on water? 114 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:15,790 Yeah, and without water, me and the Cat are going to die. 115 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:19,874 -Yeah. -It's a disaster! Oh, my back! 116 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,794 I'm one giant tension knot. Someone pummel my diodes. 117 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,231 Hey, this thing, whatever it is, 118 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,199 it's messing with the supply thingy pipe stuff thing, isn't it? 119 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,794 Please, we're laymen. Spare us the plumbing jargon. 120 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,554 The point is, we've g***t to get in there and whack it. 121 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,473 -We've g***t to fritter the critter. -Kill it? No way! 122 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:42,234 We should capture this sucker, force it to pay my dry cleaning bills. 123 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:43,719 The point is, how do we kill it? 124 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,713 I mean we can't s***k it out of an air lock. we'll lose the water. 125 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,555 We can't mickey the water. We'd pollute the drinking supply. 126 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,995 No choice. We're going to have to go in, get it. 127 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,594 -Serious? -We're going to need a diving bell, 128 00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:00,320 the kind with grade-one reinforced titanium ribs. 129 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,233 We're going to need diving suits, bazookoids, mini-grenades, 130 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:07,154 laser-lancer, blasters. And we're going to need something good 131 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,992 for me to read while you're all down there. 132 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,391 -Classic Car Monthly or something. -You're not coming down with us? 133 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:17,316 In spirit, I'll be down there with you. In actuality, I'll be...