09-01 Back To Earth - Part 1 Subtitles

At 00:00:49,920, Character said: (LAUGHING)

2
At 00:00:54,840, Character said: This is going to be so good.
Come on. Get a grip, get a grip.

3
At 00:00:58,200, Character said: (LAUGHING AGAIN)

4
At 00:01:08,520, Character said: It's g***t to be in the middle,
the middle, you metal moron.

5
At 00:01:12,160, Character said: Look, this is my vending machine
maintenance man of the month certificate

6
At 00:01:15,880, Character said: we are reframing here,
my one and only Mr April.

7
At 00:01:19,040, Character said: There's no room for sloppiness.

8
At 00:01:21,080, Character said: And you can take that look
off your face for a start.

9
At 00:01:25,680, Character said: (ROBOT JERKING)

10
At 00:01:31,000, Character said: -Where's Kryten? I need him.
-He's on holiday.

11
At 00:01:34,400, Character said: -Holiday?
-Yeah. A week off, no duties.

12
At 00:01:36,600, Character said: Just thought he needed it.

13
At 00:01:37,840, Character said: Lister, Kryten is a mechanoid,
a machine.

14
At 00:01:39,880, Character said: Machines don't go on holiday.

15
At 00:01:42,160, Character said: Who's next? The egg whisk?
Two weeks in Mauritius?

16
At 00:01:44,800, Character said: Booked him and your electric
toothbrush a double room, have you?

17
At 00:01:47,560, Character said: -He was tired.
-Tired?

18
At 00:01:49,920, Character said: What was it? Metal fatigue?

19
At 00:01:52,120, Character said: (CHUCKLING) Holiday! Where's he gone?

20
At 00:01:55,840, Character said: Erm, broom cupboard on V deck.

21
At 00:01:58,000, Character said: Really nice shelf. V deck? Why not
B deck or C deck, somewhere close?

22
At 00:02:02,440, Character said: He wanted to travel.
Didn't you read his postcard?

23
At 00:02:06,480, Character said: He's loving it. Taken his feet off,
unscrewed his head.

24
At 00:02:10,400, Character said: Eyes bobbing about
in a bowl of lens cleaner.

25
At 00:02:13,040, Character said: He's having the time of his life.

26
At 00:02:24,680, Character said: Tomatoes?

27
At 00:02:26,360, Character said: Supply decks. 200 floors.
It took me ages to get these.

28
At 00:02:31,400, Character said: I smegging hate tomatoes,
taste, texture.

29
At 00:02:38,920, Character said: Don't know why I put myself through it.

30
At 00:02:42,560, Character said: Lister, why do you eat tomatoes
when you don't like them?

31
At 00:02:46,000, Character said: -There's plenty of other things to eat.
-It's g***t to be tomatoes, man.

32
At 00:02:49,480, Character said: Only thing I'm allergic to.

33
At 00:02:52,800, Character said: why do you want to eat something
you're allergic to?

34
At 00:02:55,600, Character said: According to the read-outs,
we're down to our last water tank.

35
At 00:02:57,720, Character said: Only G deck left. I'm saving water.

36
At 00:03:00,280, Character said: Lister, have you ever been down
to G deck?

37
At 00:03:02,200, Character said: Seen the water tank?
There's loads of water left.

38
At 00:03:04,760, Character said: So how come only a trickle's
coming out of the taps then?

39
At 00:03:09,600, Character said: Uh, how does eating tomatoes save water?

40
At 00:03:13,440, Character said: It's coming.

41
At 00:03:18,240, Character said: (SIGHS)

42
At 00:03:21,160, Character said: Don't suppose you want
any ironing doing, do you?

43
At 00:03:24,680, Character said: I get it.

44
At 00:03:26,840, Character said: I get it.

45
At 00:03:28,520, Character said: I love it when it makes
that squish sound, don't you?

46
At 00:03:31,760, Character said: You've spent hours planning this,
haven't you?

47
At 00:03:34,440, Character said: Hours, this wind-up.
Because that's exactly what it is.

48
At 00:03:39,160, Character said: Going down to the supply decks,
trawling through the crates,

49
At 00:03:42,440, Character said: getting half hysterical at the thought
of my face as you start to

50
At 00:03:45,560, Character said: iron your sneezes.

51
At 00:03:48,000, Character said: Was it really worth it, Listy?

52
At 00:03:49,520, Character said: Hours and hours and hours of planning
for eight seconds of pleasure?

53
At 00:03:55,160, Character said: Sounds like the last time you had s***x.

54
At 00:03:58,600, Character said: Lister, you need to get a life.

55
At 00:04:13,280, Character said: ROBOT: Level

56
At 00:04:14,920, Character said: Level

57
At 00:04:19,120, Character said: Level

58
At 00:04:21,680, Character said: Level

59
At 00:04:23,320, Character said: LISTER: Close.

60
At 00:04:32,440, Character said: Not level

61
At 00:05:16,960, Character said: I thought I'd read you another book.

62
At 00:05:19,480, Character said: It's one of those stupid ones
you used to really like.

63
At 00:05:23,640, Character said: Jane Oostin?

64
At 00:05:26,560, Character said: Austin?

65
At 00:05:28,240, Character said: Orsdon?

66
At 00:05:30,240, Character said: I'm not quite sure how you pronounce it.

67
At 00:05:33,880, Character said: Sense and Sensibility.

68
At 00:05:37,880, Character said: Pray to God there's some
car chases in this one.

69
At 00:05:44,400, Character said: "The family of Dashwood had
long been settled in Sussex."

70
At 00:05:59,440, Character said: Ow!

71
At 00:06:03,040, Character said: What happened to you?

72
At 00:06:04,920, Character said: You g***t a minute?

73
At 00:06:07,960, Character said: (BREATHING HEAVILY)

74
At 00:06:10,400, Character said: Tell him.

75
At 00:06:12,600, Character said: I'm walking through the cargo deck,
right, minding my own d***n business

76
At 00:06:16,960, Character said: when all of a sudden...
You know that big tank on G deck?

77
At 00:06:20,120, Character said: He means the water tank.

78
At 00:06:21,960, Character said: Suddenly there's a disturbance
on the surface of the tank and...

79
At 00:06:28,280, Character said: (IMITATING A SPLASH)

80
At 00:06:29,800, Character said: This massive testicle shoots up out of
the water and grabs me by the throat.

81
At 00:06:34,440, Character said: -He means "tentacle".
-I hope so.

82
At 00:06:36,840, Character said: Before I know it, I'm flying through the
air being waved about from side to side.

83
At 00:06:42,600, Character said: I'm shouting, I'm screaming,
because this thing, whatever it is,

84
At 00:06:46,400, Character said: is absolutely ruining my hair.

85
At 00:06:49,040, Character said: Next thing I know,
it pulls me down into the icy waters

86
At 00:06:52,160, Character said: and I'm shouting and screaming again

87
At 00:06:53,840, Character said: because everything I'm wearing
is Dry Clean Only.

88
At 00:06:56,880, Character said: Suddenly, I'm staring at this big eye.

89
At 00:07:00,920, Character said: It's about this big.

90
At 00:07:03,800, Character said: No, this big.

91
At 00:07:05,880, Character said: No, this big. Man, it was just...
Oh, what's the right word?

92
At 00:07:11,240, Character said: -Big?
-Exactly.

93
At 00:07:13,440, Character said: And then the beast,
because that's what it is,

94
At 00:07:16,400, Character said: opens its mouth and I realised
that's where I'm heading.

95
At 00:07:20,440, Character said: So I combed my hair and fainted.

96
At 00:07:22,920, Character said: Came to, I'm on the floor by the side
of the tank, no sign of the creature.

97
At 00:07:29,200, Character said: Oh!

98
At 00:07:30,800, Character said: -I need counselling.
-You've g***t that right.

99
At 00:07:33,760, Character said: So where did it go?

100
At 00:07:36,000, Character said: It didn't say
and it didn't leave a note.

101
At 00:07:38,640, Character said: -This is so weird.
-It's not that weird.

102
At 00:07:41,280, Character said: Probably can't even write.

103
At 00:07:42,880, Character said: How'd it even hold a pen
with its big testicle?

104
At 00:07:45,920, Character said: It's slithered back into the water tank,
hasn't it?

105
At 00:07:48,080, Character said: But a sea monster?
In the water tank? That's not right.

106
At 00:07:51,960, Character said: We're in deep space.

107
At 00:07:53,360, Character said: # Holiday, celebrate, holiday #

108
At 00:07:58,200, Character said: Hey! Surf boy is back from Broomtown.

109
At 00:08:02,200, Character said: What a vacation, sirs.

110
At 00:08:04,200, Character said: I can't remember the last time
I was so relaxed and utterly carefree.

111
At 00:08:07,960, Character said: There's a big monster in the water tank.

112
At 00:08:10,040, Character said: Oh my gosh!

113
At 00:08:11,320, Character said: -That's why we're down on water.
-We're down on water?

114
At 00:08:13,480, Character said: Yeah, and without water,
me and the Cat are going to die.

115
At 00:08:15,880, Character said: -Yeah.
-It's a disaster! Oh, my back!

116
At 00:08:19,960, Character said: I'm one giant tension knot.
Someone pummel my diodes.

117
At 00:08:24,240, Character said: Hey, this thing, whatever it is,

118
At 00:08:26,320, Character said: it's messing with the supply thingy
pipe stuff thing, isn't it?

119
At 00:08:29,280, Character said: Please, we're laymen.
Spare us the plumbing jargon.

120
At 00:08:31,880, Character said: The point is, we've g***t to get in there
and whack it.

121
At 00:08:34,640, Character said: -We've g***t to fritter the critter.
-Kill it? No way!

122
At 00:08:38,320, Character said: We should capture this sucker,
force it to pay my dry cleaning bills.

123
At 00:08:42,320, Character said: The point is, how do we kill it?

124
At 00:08:43,800, Character said: I mean we can't s***k it out of
an air lock. we'll lose the water.

125
At 00:08:46,800, Character said: We can't mickey the water.
We'd pollute the drinking supply.

126
At 00:08:51,240, Character said: No choice.
We're going to have to go in, get it.

127
At 00:08:55,080, Character said: -Serious?
-We're going to need a diving bell,

128
At 00:08:57,680, Character said: the kind with grade-one
reinforced titanium ribs.

129
At 00:09:00,400, Character said: We're going to need diving suits,
bazookoids, mini-grenades,

130
At 00:09:03,320, Character said: laser-lancer, blasters.
And we're going to need something good

131
At 00:09:07,240, Character said: for me to read while
you're all down there.

132
At 00:09:09,080, Character said: -Classic Car Monthly or something.
-You're not coming down with us?

133
At 00:09:12,480, Character said: In spirit, I'll be down there with you.
In actuality, I'll be...