The Drew Carey Show s06e13 Oswalds Dad Returns Subtitles

00:00:02,860 --> 00:00:05,Hey, Lewis, I just locked out the place
and I'm out of here. I'll see you guys

00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:08,later. Wait a second. We're here to
support you when your dad gets here

00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:12,I know. I changed my mind. I'll catch
him the next time he gets out of prison.

00:00:13,340 --> 00:00:14,Listen,

00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:17,I know you hate your dad, but, you know,
it's been ten years on the joint. He

00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:20,could be emotionally scarred from all
the beatings and then, you know, the

00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:21,shower antics.

00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:27,I haven't seen him most of my life, and
now suddenly he wants to see me because

00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:28,now I'm a great big success?

00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:32,I remember I saw him rob a convenience
store and cops.

00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,The camera really loves him.

00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:39,Yeah, well, he robbed me out of having a
real dad, so when he gets here, you

00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:41,tell him I split, and I'm glad I didn't
see him.

00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:49,Why don't you tell me

00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,yourself, son?

00:00:51,090 --> 00:00:53,Okay, I split, and I'm glad I didn't see
you.

00:00:54,310 --> 00:00:56,I know that doesn't make any sense, but
I'm going to try to power through this

00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:57,with a nasty attitude.

00:00:57,990 --> 00:00:58,So there.

00:01:00,290 --> 00:01:02,Oswald, come on. It's your old man here.
Give me a hug.

00:01:04,550 --> 00:01:08,Okay, I guess I had that coming. Oh,
it's good to see you have your same

00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:11,friends, the tall freak, the bully
magnet, and the skank.

00:01:13,910 --> 00:01:15,What, no hugs here either?

00:01:16,570 --> 00:01:20,For your information, the bully magnet
used to be engaged to the skank.

00:01:20,570 --> 00:01:22,So this makes me a skank magnet.

00:01:23,870 --> 00:01:24,Say, listen.

00:01:25,310 --> 00:01:27,After all my years in prison, I learned
something.

00:01:27,770 --> 00:01:28,Prison s***s.

00:01:28,850 --> 00:01:32,This time I'm going to go straight.
Yeah, straight to a liquor store with a

00:01:32,130 --> 00:01:33,handgun. No,

00:01:35,210 --> 00:01:36,I'm serious.

00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:39,I spent most of my life locked up. I'm
going to get an honest job.

00:01:39,810 --> 00:01:41,Let's see, a 70 -year -old ex -con.

00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,Hey, I think Microsoft's hiring VPs.

00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,You know, you say the same thing every
time you get out of prison. I'll believe

00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:50,it when I see it.

00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,Okay, this time I mean it, son. You just
watch me.

00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:55,Hey, you know, there's someone I was
wanting to ask you.

00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,How did a nice old guy like you survive
all those years in prison?

00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:02,Actually, I used to ask them for a
commitment. It scared them off there,

00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:14,All this energy calling me.

00:02:15,370 --> 00:02:16,Back where it comes from.

00:02:17,730 --> 00:02:19,It's such a crude attitude.

00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:22,It's back where it belongs.

00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:30,All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland

00:02:30,310 --> 00:02:36,Living in sin with a safety pin gone.
Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

00:02:36,570 --> 00:02:41,Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!
Cleveland Rocks!

00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:56,My dad would never leave last night,
going on and on with his prison stories.

00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:01,Midnight escapes, race riots. I showered
with a guy who put the hit on Marilyn

00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:02,Monroe. Boring.

00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:05,I guess I'm lucky.

00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:10,My dad called me long distance just to
tell me that his body has no use for

00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,anymore.

00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:13,Well, I've g***t to deliver these
packages.

00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:15,All right, thanks for the ride. I'll see
you in five minutes.

00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:16,Hey,

00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,Drew, want to see the first sonogram of
your little nephew?

00:03:22,030 --> 00:03:23,So what do you think?

00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:26,I'd say you have a lovely gray thing
with vaguely human form.

00:03:28,430 --> 00:03:31,You know, it's surprising. I always
expected the inside of Mimi to have bats

00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:32,hanging from it.

00:03:35,450 --> 00:03:36,Hey, what's this thing right here?

00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:40,What? It's just the umbilical cord. No,
that's over here. What's this right

00:03:40,130 --> 00:03:44,here? Well, it's the... the... What the
hell is that?

00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:45,Oh, no.

00:03:46,190 --> 00:03:48,I was hoping this would skip a
generation.

00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:50,Well, it's no secret now.

00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:53,It's the Carrie tail. But honey, don't
worry.

00:03:54,030 --> 00:03:56,It's just an extra vertebrae that they
remove at birth.

00:03:59,470 --> 00:04:01,You had a tail and you didn't tell me?

00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:03,Well, I didn't say I had one.

00:04:07,850 --> 00:04:09,There is no way I had a tail.

00:04:10,670 --> 00:04:13,I can't believe that my baby is going to
have a tail.

00:04:14,470 --> 00:04:17,Crap. There's no good baby clothes with
holes in the bottom.

00:04:19,529 --> 00:04:20,Maybe not at people stores.

00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:25,Hey,

00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:27,Drew, I'm ready to go.

00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:30,You still need a ride down to the car
repair place? Yeah, what a time for my

00:04:30,550 --> 00:04:31,transmission to go up, man. I ** broke.

00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:33,Well, why don't you just use your credit
card?

00:04:34,070 --> 00:04:36,Oh, I can't. I maxed it out on
emergencies.

00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:41,You know, medical stuff and beer and
website memberships.

00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,You know, emergencies.

00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:45,Yeah, yeah.

00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:48,So what are you going to do now?

00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,I don't know. I g***t to find a part -time
job that pays good, which is going to

00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,be tough because I don't even have a
full -time job that pays good.

00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,Dad, what are you doing here? Lewis told
me you were down here.

00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,Might as well take a deep breath because
I g***t some big news.

00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,I g***t a job.

00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:04,You g***t a job? Yep. First day out of
prison.

00:05:05,940 --> 00:05:10,Wait a minute. What kind of job? No,
son, it's totally legit. I'm selling

00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,estate for a new lakeside development.

00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,I'll hire an ex -con like you with a
hire a failure like me.

00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,What about it, Dad? Are they hiring
failures?

00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,Well, I don't know. You need sales
experience.

00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,I used to be on the sales floor here at
Woodford Lauder. That's how I started. I

00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,sold lingerie to large and lovely women
back when they were just fat.

00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:31,Can you put in a good word for Drew?

00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:33,Oh, I don't know. I'm new there.

00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,Well, it might help take the sting out
of 35 years of crying myself to sleep

00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,while night after night I watched my
mother as she crawled further and

00:05:40,980 --> 00:05:41,into the bottle.

00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,Well, okay, but then we're even.

00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:52,And do you know what rush hour is in
Patrician Woods?

00:05:53,090 --> 00:05:54,A duck crossing in front of your car.

00:05:57,350 --> 00:05:59,Pause for laughter. One Mississippi.

00:05:59,470 --> 00:06:00,Two Mississippi.

00:06:02,030 --> 00:06:06,But seriously, the best part of
paradise... Just tell us how much it is.

00:06:07,370 --> 00:06:08,Oh, it's $25 ,000.

00:06:09,030 --> 00:06:11,Oh, wait. I meant to say it's only $,000.

00:06:12,290 --> 00:06:15,I always forget to say that because,
frankly to me, it sounds like just a

00:06:15,430 --> 00:06:16,of a lot of money.

00:06:18,350 --> 00:06:19,Okay, we listened to your pitch.

00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:21,Now give us the free can opener.

00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,Mr. Sweeney, I'm out of can openers
again.

00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,Still no sales, huh, Drew?

00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:29,Maybe you're not cut out for this job.

00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,No, I'll get the hang of it. You know,
it's just my first day.

00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,Well, I'm just saying you don't have the
killer instinct.

00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,You're the kind of guy that would give
up his pudding real easy in the joint.

00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:48,By my pudding, do you mean my man
flower?

00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,I'm talking about chocolate pudding.
It's a dessert.

00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,Carrie, I'm running out of can openers.

00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:01,Why can't you make a sale?

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