Blended.2014.1080 Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:28,093 [ FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS ] 2 00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:31,330 LAUREN : Yes. Uh-huh. I'm not kidding. 3 00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:34,199 That's where this "class act" brought me. 4 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:37,503 Yeah, you heard me. Hooters. 5 00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:41,473 This is the first date I've been on since the divorce, 6 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,309 and the guy brings me to a Hooters. 7 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,511 [ TOILET FLUSHES ] 8 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,378 Is Tyler asleep? 9 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,548 Whoa! Oh, yeah! Whoo! 10 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,783 Not all the way. 11 00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:52,017 What's he doing? Yeah! 12 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:54,853 ♪ This t-shirt's on fire! ♪ 13 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:56,655 Why is he singing that? 14 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,491 [ ROBOTICALLY ] Must save planet earth. 15 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,461 No, it's all good. 16 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,296 It's out. What's out?! 17 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,864 Oh, God, I'm coming home. 18 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,199 Intruder alert. 19 00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,137 [ WHIMPERS ] 20 00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:15,007 Yeah, maybe that's not actually a bad idea. 21 00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:16,241 Okay, here's the plan. 22 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,810 You're gonna call me in 10 minutes 23 00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:21,146 so that I can tell this dope I have an emergency. 24 00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:23,849 [ NORMAL VOICE ] Can you give me my bath now? 25 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:26,518 Make it five minutes. 26 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,320 ♪ I ain't complainin' ♪ 27 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:32,024 ♪ but I'd sure like to find me ♪ 28 00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,293 ♪ a true, fine love ♪ 29 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,961 ♪ someone another ♪ 30 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,263 ♪ that's as sweet as your mother ♪ 31 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,533 ♪ a true, fine love ♪ 32 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:45,370 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] 33 00:01:57,684 --> 00:02:01,887 G***t you, uh, buffalo shrimp with the sauce on the side. 34 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,455 They'll do that for me here. 35 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,190 I didn't know how you took it, so... 36 00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:08,127 You realize that you're not actually 37 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,529 looking at my face right now. 38 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,098 Very tight game goin' on up there. I don't wanna miss it. 39 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,933 ANNOUNCER : Well, I know you really gotta swing the axe hard 40 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,736 to get those, uh, hits in deep on this quick turn. 41 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,104 Hi, Jim. 42 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,273 WOMAN : Hey, Jim. WOMAN #2 : Hey, Jim. 43 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,143 Cheese sticks in the shape of a heart. 44 00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:26,879 From me, bunny, Bethany, and Britney. 45 00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:29,948 Thank you, bubbles. That's very nice. 46 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,850 Bye. Have fun. See ya. 47 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,519 [ CHUCKLING ] All right. 48 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:37,222 Hey, I noticed that you made eye contact with boobles, 49 00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:38,657 but I'm... I mean, I'm not sure it was her eyes 50 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:39,925 you were looking at. 51 00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:45,697 So... 52 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:50,035 You... Organize closets for a living. 53 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,304 Yes. Is it hard to find people 54 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,806 who can't organize their own closets? 55 00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,241 How does that work? 56 00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,677 Well, it's not that they can't do it for themselves. 57 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,512 It's that they don't have the time 58 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,080 or they don't do it efficiently. 59 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:05,350 Did you start with organizing glove compartments 60 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,419 and just work your way up from there, or...? 61 00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:13,192 Listen, I'm sorry. I know this is not going well. 62 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:14,593 [ CHUCKLING ] I, uh... 63 00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:17,496 I haven't been on a date in 20 years. 64 00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:22,601 I haven't been on a date since senior year. 65 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,736 You get married in college? 66 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,004 Yep. 67 00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,506 Me too. 68 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,341 Really? Yes. 69 00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,577 Is this not the weirdest feeling in the world right now? 70 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:35,514 Like weird Al starring in "weird science." 71 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,050 [ CHUCKLING ] Yes. I like that. 72 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,351 You just came up with that? 73 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:42,888 Yes. Very good. 74 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:47,593 You know, I think I will have one of these buffalo shrimp. 75 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,828 And I'll have it with the sauce. 76 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,396 Excellent. 77 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,735 [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] 78 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,836 Oh, my God. 79 00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,771 [ COUGHING ] Oh, my God. 80 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:00,806 It's hot. 81 00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:03,609 Oh, my God! Who makes sauce this hot?! 82 00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:06,178 I just... did you drink my beer?! 83 00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:07,613 No. No, no. I think you did. 84 00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:11,583 Boobles! Buddy! Britney! Can you get me some water?! 85 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,652 Here. Have some French onion soup. 86 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,421 [ GURGLING ] 87 00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:20,192 [ SPITS ] 88 00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:22,060 You know... I'm curious. 89 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,529 With so many possible reasons, 90 00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:28,267 which one's the one your wife left you for? 91 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:31,637 Cancer. 92 00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,043 I'm sorry. 93 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:43,882 I...Naturally just assumed you were divorced. 94 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,851 It's okay. 95 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,487 I naturally assumed your husband shot himself, 96 00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,389 so we're even. 97 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,557 [ SIGHS ] [ CELLPHONE PLAYS TONE ] 98 00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:56,762 I gotta take this. 99 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,230 Hello. 100 00:04:58,232 --> 00:05:00,832 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down! 101 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:04,069 An avalanche? In our backyard. 102 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,471 I'll be home right away. 103 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:09,341 It's an emergency. I'm sorry. 104 00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:12,878 $20 should cover my half. 105 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,448 JEN : He used the emergency excuse on you? 106 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:19,451 Like he's the one that had to escape. 107 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,653 Like I'm so horrible. Huh. 108 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,256 Well, everybody has a bad blind-date story, 109 00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:25,590 and this loser is yours. 110 00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,392 Who set you up? [ SCOFFS ] 111 00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:29,561 One of the mothers in Tyler's class. 112 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:30,796 Every time I see her, 113 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:33,198 she tells me about her "friend Jim." 114 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,634 And "oh, I just have to meet Jim." 115 00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,703 Well, she's a liar and an idiot. 116 00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:40,372 You should roofie her and shave her head. 117 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,908 [ CELLPHONE RINGS ] 118 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,209 D***k? 119 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,545 Hi. 120 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,046 No, I can talk. I'm just at work. 121 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,481 Great. 122 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,850 [ CHUCKLES ] I know. I'm so sore. 123 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,486 [ GIGGLES ] 124 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:57,856 I-I "l" word you, too. 125 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,960 Okay. Talk to you later. Bye. 126 00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:07,099 Did you just use the "l" word with d***k? 127 00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:08,767 We said it last night. 128 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:12,371 Jen! That's great! Why didn't you tell me? 129 00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,005 Oh, you know. 130 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,074 I mean, you finally went on a date, and it was so awful. 131 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,876 I didn't want to make you feel lonelier 132 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,578 than you probably already feel. 133 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:22,647 No, I'm fine, actually. And I'm not lonely. 134 00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:26,251 I have two wonderful men in my life, Brendan and Tyler. 135 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:29,554 Brendan needs a girlfriend, and Tyler needs ritalin. 136 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,690 You're suggesting s***x and drugs 137 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,393 as a remedy for my children's behavior? 138 00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:35,794 [ GASPS ] Oh, my God. 139 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,397 This is the dress I've been wanting forever! 140 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,564 Oh. 141 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,800 What?! No! [ SCOFFS ] 142 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,402 Who has that kind of money? 143 00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:44,669 D***k. 144 00:06:44,671...