Blended.2014.1080 Subtitles

00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:28,[ FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS ]

00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:31,LAUREN : Yes. Uh-huh.
I'm not kidding.

00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:34,That's where this "class act"
brought me.

00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:37,Yeah, you heard me.
Hooters.

00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:41,This is the first date
I've been on since the divorce,

00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,and the guy brings me
to a Hooters.

00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,Is Tyler asleep?

00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,Whoa! Oh, yeah! Whoo!

00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,Not all the way.

00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:52,What's he doing?
Yeah!

00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:54,♪ This t-shirt's
on fire! ♪

00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:56,Why is he singing that?

00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,[ ROBOTICALLY ]
Must save planet earth.

00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,No, it's all good.

00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,It's out.
What's out?!

00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,Oh, God, I'm coming home.

00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,Intruder alert.

00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,[ WHIMPERS ]

00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:15,Yeah, maybe that's
not actually a bad idea.

00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:16,Okay, here's the plan.

00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,You're gonna call me
in 10 minutes

00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:21,so that I can tell this dope
I have an emergency.

00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:23,[ NORMAL VOICE ] Can you
give me my bath now?

00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:26,Make it five minutes.

00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,♪ I ain't complainin' ♪

00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:32,♪ but I'd sure like to find me ♪

00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,♪ a true, fine love ♪

00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,♪ someone another ♪

00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,♪ that's as sweet
as your mother ♪

00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,♪ a true, fine love ♪

00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:45,[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

00:01:57,684 --> 00:02:01,G***t you, uh, buffalo shrimp
with the sauce on the side.

00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,They'll do that
for me here.

00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,I didn't know
how you took it, so...

00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:08,You realize that
you're not actually

00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,looking at my face
right now.

00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,Very tight game goin' on up
there. I don't wanna miss it.

00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,ANNOUNCER : Well, I know you
really gotta swing the axe hard

00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,to get those, uh, hits in deep
on this quick turn.

00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,Hi, Jim.

00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,WOMAN : Hey, Jim.
WOMAN #2 : Hey, Jim.

00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,Cheese sticks
in the shape of a heart.

00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:26,From me, bunny, Bethany,
and Britney.

00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:29,Thank you, bubbles.
That's very nice.

00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,Bye.
Have fun.
See ya.

00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,[ CHUCKLING ] All right.

00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:37,Hey, I noticed that you made
eye contact with boobles,

00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:38,but I'm... I mean,
I'm not sure it was her eyes

00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:39,you were looking at.

00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:45,So...

00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:50,You... Organize closets
for a living.

00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,Yes.
Is it hard to find people

00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,who can't organize
their own closets?

00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,How does that work?

00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,Well, it's not that they can't
do it for themselves.

00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,It's that they don't
have the time

00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,or they don't do it
efficiently.

00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:05,Did you start with organizing
glove compartments

00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,and just work your way up
from there, or...?

00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:13,Listen, I'm sorry.
I know this is not going well.

00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:14,[ CHUCKLING ] I, uh...

00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:17,I haven't been on a date
in 20 years.

00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:22,I haven't been on a date
since senior year.

00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,You get married in college?

00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,Yep.

00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,Me too.

00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,Really?
Yes.

00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,Is this not the weirdest feeling
in the world right now?

00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:35,Like weird Al
starring in "weird science."

00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,[ CHUCKLING ] Yes.
I like that.

00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,You just came up
with that?

00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:42,Yes.
Very good.

00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:47,You know, I think I will have
one of these buffalo shrimp.

00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,And I'll have it
with the sauce.

00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,Excellent.

00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,Oh, my God.

00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,[ COUGHING ] Oh, my God.

00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:00,It's hot.

00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:03,Oh, my God!
Who makes sauce this hot?!

00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:06,I just...
did you drink my beer?!

00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:07,No. No, no.
I think you did.

00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:11,Boobles! Buddy! Britney!
Can you get me some water?!

00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,Here. Have
some French onion soup.

00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,[ GURGLING ]

00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:20,[ SPITS ]

00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:22,You know... I'm curious.

00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,With so many
possible reasons,

00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:28,which one's the one
your wife left you for?

00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:31,Cancer.

00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,I'm sorry.

00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:43,I...Naturally just assumed
you were divorced.

00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,It's okay.

00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,I naturally assumed
your husband shot himself,

00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,so we're even.

00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,[ SIGHS ]
[ CELLPHONE PLAYS TONE ]

00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:56,I gotta take this.

00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,Hello.

00:04:58,232 --> 00:05:00,Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Calm down!

00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:04,An avalanche?
In our backyard.

00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,I'll be home right away.

00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:09,It's an emergency.
I'm sorry.

00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:12,$20 should cover my half.

00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,JEN : He used
the emergency excuse on you?

00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:19,Like he's the one
that had to escape.

00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,Like I'm so horrible.
Huh.

00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,Well, everybody has
a bad blind-date story,

00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:25,and this loser is yours.

00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,Who set you up?
[ SCOFFS ]

00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:29,One of the mothers
in Tyler's class.

00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:30,Every time I see her,

00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:33,she tells me
about her "friend Jim."

00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,And "oh, I just have to
meet Jim."

00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,Well, she's a liar
and an idiot.

00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:40,You should roofie her
and shave her head.

00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,D***k?

00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,Hi.

00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,No, I can talk.
I'm just at work.

00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,Great.

00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,[ CHUCKLES ]
I know. I'm so sore.

00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,[ GIGGLES ]

00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:57,I-I "l" word you, too.

00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,Okay.
Talk to you later. Bye.

00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:07,Did you just use
the "l" word with d***k?

00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:08,We said it last night.

00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:12,Jen! That's great!
Why didn't you tell me?

00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,Oh, you know.

00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,I mean, you finally went
on a date, and it was so awful.

00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,I didn't want
to make you feel lonelier

00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,than you probably
already feel.

00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:22,No, I'm fine, actually.
And I'm not lonely.

00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:26,I have two wonderful men
in my life, Brendan and Tyler.

00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:29,Brendan needs a girlfriend,
and Tyler needs ritalin.

00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,You're suggesting s***x
and drugs

00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,as a remedy
for my children's behavior?

00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:35,[ GASPS ]
Oh, my God.

00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,This is the dress
I've been wanting forever!

00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,Oh.

00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,What?! No!
[ SCOFFS ]

00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,Who has
that kind of money?

00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:44,D***k.

00:06:44,671...