Alfred.Hitchcock.Presents.S04E03.The.Jokester.480p.DVD.DD.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]-eng Subtitles
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00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:28,Good evening.
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:34,It grieves me to announce that
it will be impossible for my
cousin, Alvin Hitchcock,
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:37,to entertain you
with his singing.
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:42,He fell victim to a crowd
of teenage souvenir hunters.
00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:46,After first helping themselves
to bits of his clothing,
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,they began snipping off
locks of his hair.
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,He held still for that.
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:54,After all, he certainly
needed a haircut.
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,But when they had
exhausted his hair,
00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,they refused
to stop shipping.
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:02,He was very popular.
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,This was all we found.
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:09,Tonight's program
was to have included
many of his greatest hits.
00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:13,I Dig You, Darling,
‘Cause You're Sick,
Sick, Sick.
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:18,The FBI Is Breaking Up
That Old Gang Of Mine.
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:23,Take Off Your
Leather Jacket, Mother.
You Shall Not Ride Tonight.
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:28,And Tchaikovsky's
Rock And Roll Concerto.
00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:32,Substituting for his concert
is a play, "The Jokester."
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:36,However,
as a tribute to Alvin,
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:41,let us first observe
one minute of noise.
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:38,(HEAVY THUD)
00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:44,DAVE: Oh, come on,
Andrews, let it alone.
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:46,Bet I woke every
stiff up down there.
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,You're high, Andrews,
what are your bets?
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,Let's see, that'll be
what, a couple?
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:51,I'm out.
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:52,I'll see you,
Andrews.
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,Well, that puts
me out.
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,Joker gave me
a straight.
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,You bum.
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,You're pretty lucky.
Let's see how lucky you are
with your fists. Come on.
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,Watch it, Andrews,
you might get hit
in the wrong place.
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,Oh, what do you mean?
I'm not kidding,
I've g***t a bum neck.
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,Come on,
what are you talking about?
MORGAN: You're the picture
of health.
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,No, I've g***t a very
sensitive vertebrae
right here.
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,I hurt it playing
football in high school.
00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:12,ANDREWS: Oh, come on,
that was years ago.
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,MORGAN: Yeah.
You're breaking my heart.
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:19,I spent two weeks in a bed
paralyzed because of it.
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,Well, it sure doesn't
stop you from winning
at poker.
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:23,Now, that's the second time
you've drawn the joker.
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,Well, that's the
perfect card for me.
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,We're back to back,
same breed, joker and me.
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,Bradley,
the practical joker
of newspaper row.
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,At other people's
expense.
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,Oh, no, you're unfair
to me. You all are.
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,You can't deny
that you live
only for a laugh.
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:37,Well, we're laughing.
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:39,Well, why not?
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:42,Life is one big joke
from the day you're born.
00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,Fate gives you
the unexpected hotfoot,
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,puts a sneezing powder
in your bouquet of roses
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,and I just go
along with it.
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,MORGAN: You're high, Dave.
Check.
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,Check.
My cards.
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,Oh, hiya, Pop.
How you feeling?
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,Fine.
What's happening
downstairs, Pop?
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,I wondered about
my story, Dave.
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:01,Oh, it's gonna be
in the paper tomorrow.
Two column spread, Pop.
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,That's real
nice, son.
00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,I ain't never
had any of you
newspaper people
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,to hardly ask me
a question,
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:09,much less
write about my...
You g***t a pair, Dave.
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,Yeah,
what'll you do?
Oh, well, let's see,
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,that's worth
two bucks.
Let's make it five.
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,I'm out.
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:19,Say, Pop,
maybe Dave's story will
help you keep your job.
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,Huh? I didn't catch that.
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,ALL: Maybe Dave's story
will help you keep your job!
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,Oh, sure hope so.
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,Some people say
that they should have
retired me five years ago.
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:32,But I need this job.
My wife, she's so sick.
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,Four, five,
I've lost count, operations,
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:39,and my retirement pay
is so little, I...
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,Well,
thanks again, Dave.
Okay, Pop.
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,Table's bet.
Well, let's see.
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:47,Well, you must be thick
to waste your columns
on Pop Henderson.
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,What do you mean?
It made an
interesting story.
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:55,Hearts and flowers?
Pop Henderson partially blind,
partially deaf, totally dumb?
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,Or Pop Henderson who has
cataloged the dead for
so long
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,he feels closer to them
than he does the living?
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,Is that the way
you wrote it?
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:04,Okay, okay,
I've had enough.
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,Oh, come on, Dave.
No, so long,
fellas.
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,All right.
So long, Dave.
DAVE: So long.
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,Well, that
kind of broke up
the poker game.
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,Yeah, I guess
that's it.
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:21,Gentlemen, let's pay a visit
downstairs to the morgue.
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,Huh?
Pop Henderson,
00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:26,a man that gives
me inspiration.
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:27,Yeah, okay.
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,Okay, it's cooler
down there, anyway.
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:32,Come on.
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,(SNORING)
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,(POP COUGHING)
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,Oh, hi, fellas.
00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:03,Hi, Pop.
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,Taking a snooze,
Pop?
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:09,Yeah, I get kind of drowsy
about this time of night.
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,We've come to ask
you a favor.
POP: Oh?
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,We want to look
at number six.
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,Oh, that's the strangulation
case that come in today,
ain't it?
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:19,Yeah, that's the one.
We just g***t a tip.
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,Might be a real
scoop, Pop.
Yeah, headline stuff.
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,It's that missing
New York banker.
00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:25,You don't say. Him?
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,ANDREWS: Mmm-hmm.
What about it, Pop,
can we see him?
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,Sure, come on.
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:37,Let's see,
number seven.
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,How about
number six?
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,Oh, of course,
number six.
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:45,Yeah, here it is.
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,Good old number six.
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,Come on out.
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:53,There you are.
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,Oh, you've g***t
your refrigeration
working overtime, Pop.
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,No, it's always that cold,
below freezing.
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:02,It looks like the banker.
How about it, gentlemen?
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,Yes, yes, it certainly
resembles him.
00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,Yeah, that chin.
One in a million.
00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:10,Oh, yeah, right.
It fits the description,
all right.
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,Morgan, why don't you
go along with Pop
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,and get the folder
on this gentleman?
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,Sure.
Pop?
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,All right, Mr. Bradley.
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,Now, let's see,
number seven.
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,No, no, number six, Pop.
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:32,Oh, of course, I know.
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,There it is.
There you are.
00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:38,Now, wait a minute.
Let's make sure
we're...
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:34,It grieves me to announce that
it will be impossible for my
cousin, Alvin Hitchcock,
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:37,to entertain you
with his singing.
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:42,He fell victim to a crowd
of teenage souvenir hunters.
00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:46,After first helping themselves
to bits of his clothing,
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,they began snipping off
locks of his hair.
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,He held still for that.
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:54,After all, he certainly
needed a haircut.
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,But when they had
exhausted his hair,
00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,they refused
to stop shipping.
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:02,He was very popular.
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,This was all we found.
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:09,Tonight's program
was to have included
many of his greatest hits.
00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:13,I Dig You, Darling,
‘Cause You're Sick,
Sick, Sick.
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:18,The FBI Is Breaking Up
That Old Gang Of Mine.
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:23,Take Off Your
Leather Jacket, Mother.
You Shall Not Ride Tonight.
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:28,And Tchaikovsky's
Rock And Roll Concerto.
00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:32,Substituting for his concert
is a play, "The Jokester."
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:36,However,
as a tribute to Alvin,
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:41,let us first observe
one minute of noise.
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:38,(HEAVY THUD)
00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:44,DAVE: Oh, come on,
Andrews, let it alone.
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:46,Bet I woke every
stiff up down there.
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,You're high, Andrews,
what are your bets?
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,Let's see, that'll be
what, a couple?
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:51,I'm out.
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:52,I'll see you,
Andrews.
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,Well, that puts
me out.
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,Joker gave me
a straight.
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,You bum.
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,You're pretty lucky.
Let's see how lucky you are
with your fists. Come on.
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,Watch it, Andrews,
you might get hit
in the wrong place.
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,Oh, what do you mean?
I'm not kidding,
I've g***t a bum neck.
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,Come on,
what are you talking about?
MORGAN: You're the picture
of health.
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,No, I've g***t a very
sensitive vertebrae
right here.
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,I hurt it playing
football in high school.
00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:12,ANDREWS: Oh, come on,
that was years ago.
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,MORGAN: Yeah.
You're breaking my heart.
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:19,I spent two weeks in a bed
paralyzed because of it.
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,Well, it sure doesn't
stop you from winning
at poker.
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:23,Now, that's the second time
you've drawn the joker.
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,Well, that's the
perfect card for me.
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,We're back to back,
same breed, joker and me.
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,Bradley,
the practical joker
of newspaper row.
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,At other people's
expense.
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,Oh, no, you're unfair
to me. You all are.
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,You can't deny
that you live
only for a laugh.
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:37,Well, we're laughing.
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:39,Well, why not?
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:42,Life is one big joke
from the day you're born.
00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,Fate gives you
the unexpected hotfoot,
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,puts a sneezing powder
in your bouquet of roses
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,and I just go
along with it.
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,MORGAN: You're high, Dave.
Check.
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,Check.
My cards.
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,Oh, hiya, Pop.
How you feeling?
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,Fine.
What's happening
downstairs, Pop?
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,I wondered about
my story, Dave.
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:01,Oh, it's gonna be
in the paper tomorrow.
Two column spread, Pop.
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,That's real
nice, son.
00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,I ain't never
had any of you
newspaper people
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,to hardly ask me
a question,
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:09,much less
write about my...
You g***t a pair, Dave.
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,Yeah,
what'll you do?
Oh, well, let's see,
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,that's worth
two bucks.
Let's make it five.
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,I'm out.
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:19,Say, Pop,
maybe Dave's story will
help you keep your job.
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,Huh? I didn't catch that.
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,ALL: Maybe Dave's story
will help you keep your job!
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,Oh, sure hope so.
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,Some people say
that they should have
retired me five years ago.
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:32,But I need this job.
My wife, she's so sick.
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,Four, five,
I've lost count, operations,
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:39,and my retirement pay
is so little, I...
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,Well,
thanks again, Dave.
Okay, Pop.
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,Table's bet.
Well, let's see.
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:47,Well, you must be thick
to waste your columns
on Pop Henderson.
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,What do you mean?
It made an
interesting story.
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:55,Hearts and flowers?
Pop Henderson partially blind,
partially deaf, totally dumb?
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,Or Pop Henderson who has
cataloged the dead for
so long
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,he feels closer to them
than he does the living?
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,Is that the way
you wrote it?
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:04,Okay, okay,
I've had enough.
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,Oh, come on, Dave.
No, so long,
fellas.
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,All right.
So long, Dave.
DAVE: So long.
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,Well, that
kind of broke up
the poker game.
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,Yeah, I guess
that's it.
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:21,Gentlemen, let's pay a visit
downstairs to the morgue.
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,Huh?
Pop Henderson,
00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:26,a man that gives
me inspiration.
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:27,Yeah, okay.
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,Okay, it's cooler
down there, anyway.
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:32,Come on.
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,(SNORING)
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,(POP COUGHING)
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,Oh, hi, fellas.
00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:03,Hi, Pop.
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,Taking a snooze,
Pop?
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:09,Yeah, I get kind of drowsy
about this time of night.
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,We've come to ask
you a favor.
POP: Oh?
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,We want to look
at number six.
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,Oh, that's the strangulation
case that come in today,
ain't it?
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:19,Yeah, that's the one.
We just g***t a tip.
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,Might be a real
scoop, Pop.
Yeah, headline stuff.
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,It's that missing
New York banker.
00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:25,You don't say. Him?
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,ANDREWS: Mmm-hmm.
What about it, Pop,
can we see him?
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,Sure, come on.
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:37,Let's see,
number seven.
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,How about
number six?
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,Oh, of course,
number six.
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:45,Yeah, here it is.
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,Good old number six.
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,Come on out.
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:53,There you are.
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,Oh, you've g***t
your refrigeration
working overtime, Pop.
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,No, it's always that cold,
below freezing.
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:02,It looks like the banker.
How about it, gentlemen?
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,Yes, yes, it certainly
resembles him.
00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,Yeah, that chin.
One in a million.
00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:10,Oh, yeah, right.
It fits the description,
all right.
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,Morgan, why don't you
go along with Pop
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,and get the folder
on this gentleman?
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,Sure.
Pop?
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,All right, Mr. Bradley.
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,Now, let's see,
number seven.
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,No, no, number six, Pop.
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:32,Oh, of course, I know.
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,There it is.
There you are.
00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:38,Now, wait a minute.
Let's make sure
we're...
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