00:00:09,334 --> 00:00:11,(whistles)

00:00:40,901 --> 00:00:43,(footsteps approaching)

00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:47,(screaming)

00:01:16,601 --> 00:01:18,(screaming)

00:01:18,801 --> 00:01:21,This sounds like more
than we can handle.

00:01:26,467 --> 00:01:27,(chuckling)

00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,Amusing.

00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,It's not without a certain
understated omniscience.

00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,(screaming)

00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:57,Unhand her, cad,
or I'll have to disarm you.

00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:59,(chuckling)

00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:02,Save that for my next book.

00:02:02,334 --> 00:02:04,Stay back,
Duckman,

00:02:04,267 --> 00:02:05,or it's going
to get ugly.

00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,I said
stay back!

00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:11,One more step, and
I'll... I'll...

00:02:11,601 --> 00:02:12,and I'll...

00:02:12,901 --> 00:02:14,pull back
this curtain.

00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:16,That's right,

00:02:16,734 --> 00:02:18,it's This Could Be Your Life--

00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,the show that each week
takes a memorable personality

00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:22,we can cross-promote
with the evening news

00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,and asks the
burning question:

00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:27,What makes him or her
so unique, so special,

00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:28,so one-of-a-kind,

00:02:28,701 --> 00:02:29,we'll watch them on TV

00:02:30,033 --> 00:02:32,rather than have go out and
have a life of our own?

00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:33,Tonight's guest

00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:36,that incomparable
crime-fighting hero--

00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,Duckman!

00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:40,AUDIENCE:
Duckman! Duckman! Duckman!

00:02:40,701 --> 00:02:42,(whispering)
What? Really?

00:02:42,968 --> 00:02:45,Well, Duckman,
according to your family,

00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:48,you're not an incomparable
crime-fighting hero.

00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:50,You're not
special or unique.

00:02:50,434 --> 00:02:51,In fact, there's
absolutely nothing

00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:53,memorable about
you at all.

00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:56,(screaming)

00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:00,Whoa!

00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:02,Smoke!

00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,Smoke!

00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:04,I need a smoke.

00:03:04,801 --> 00:03:05,Ow!

00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:12,(slurping)

00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:14,Mmm.

00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:18,BERNICE:
What's the matter?

00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,You seem a little down
this morning.

00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,It's okay.
You can tell me about it.

00:03:23,934 --> 00:03:25,I'm here for you.

00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:26,If you really want to know...
Uh-huh.

00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,I had that dream again--
Oh...

00:03:28,601 --> 00:03:31,the one where no one cares
about anything I say or do.

00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:32,Quiet, you worthless sack
of pillow stuffing!

00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:33,I'm on the phone!

00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:36,We'll talk at lunch.

00:03:36,434 --> 00:03:38,Duckman, you left feathers
on the sink last night,

00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,you were supposed to get
your dog neutered--

00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:41,I caught him looking funny
at the hamster again--

00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:44,and you've been smoking!
I can smell it on your breath!

00:03:44,133 --> 00:03:45,I was not smoking!

00:03:45,901 --> 00:03:48,You can't accuse me of something
I wasn't even doing.

00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,Oh, yeah? Then you were sucking
on the bottom of an ashtray

00:03:50,601 --> 00:03:52,like some pathetic and
disgusting nicotine junkie.

00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,That's better.

00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,I'm telling you
for the last time, Duckman,

00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:56,I don't want this house

00:03:56,767 --> 00:03:58,smelling like one of your stale,
old cigarette butts.

00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:00,(breaking wind)

00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,Like my
stale old butts

00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:03,are the problem
around here.

00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:04,Grandma-ma can't help it.

00:04:04,734 --> 00:04:06,She's comatose.

00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:07,Ow!

00:04:07,234 --> 00:04:08,And you will be, too,

00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:10,if you touch
the children's breakfast.

00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:12,Fine. I'll make

00:04:12,434 --> 00:04:14,my own d***n breakfast...
again!

00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:17,No fats, no preservatives,
no red and yellow dyes.

00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:19,Hmm. Shows you what happens
when you let a bunch

00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,of pasty-faced, pansy-wiped
scientists

00:04:21,634 --> 00:04:23,get you all worked up
over a few carcinogens.

00:04:23,868 --> 00:04:25,Yeast cakes--

00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,every b***e a
nutritional potpourri.

00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:29,Uh, morning, son.

00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:30,How's school?

00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,(choking)

00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,(spits)

00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:37,Ahh!

00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:39,There's my stopwatch.

00:04:39,601 --> 00:04:40,CHARLES:
Is not!

00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:41,MAMBO:
Is so!

00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:42,CHARLES: Is not!
MAMBO: Is so!

00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,Your theory totally overlooks
the ontological side.

00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,And yours underestimates
the Cartesian perspective

00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:49,on antisocial pathology.

00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:50,Freudian.
Jungian.

00:04:50,901 --> 00:04:52,(grunting)

00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,Charles, Mambo,
knock it off.

00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:55,You're giving me
a headache.

00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:58,Boys, not in front
of Grandma-ma.

00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:00,Yeast cakes!
Yeast cakes!

00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,BOTH:
Good morning, Grandma-ma.

00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:03,That's it.
I've had it.

00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:06,For all the response
I get around here,

00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:07,I might as well
be invisible!

00:05:07,968 --> 00:05:09,I know your mother died.

00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,I know she left you
and the house to her sister.

00:05:12,334 --> 00:05:14,But I still live here!
I'm still the man of the house!

00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:16,And I demand to be heard!

00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,(voice fading:)
To be recognized! To be...

00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:19,(breaking wind)

00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:22,DUCKMAN:
So, my sister-in-law

00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:23,is a walking Cuisinart.

00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,My children do treat me

00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:26,like some kind of skin rash.

00:05:26,601 --> 00:05:28,At least I'm freeway-close!

00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,(crashing)

00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:32,MAN:
My tire!

00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:33,I don't get it.

00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,I brake for animals

00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,if they're big enough
to dent my car.

00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,I don't pop any zits
above the eye line.

00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,I treat others the way
I'd like to be treated.

00:05:40,534 --> 00:05:41,(tires screeching)

00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:43,Same to you, sister!

00:05:43,434 --> 00:05:48,Devote a lifetime to the church,
they think they own the road.

00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:51,It would just be nice
for once to be noticed--

00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:53,get the kind of attention
I deserve.

00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,Note to myself:

00:05:59,801 --> 00:06:01,More thumbtacks

00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:02,in the bird feeder.

00:06:02,801 --> 00:06:05,What the hell are you
staring at?!

00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:07,Hello, Mr. Duckman.

00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,Being aware of your
little digestive problem,

00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,we made you
a bran muffin

00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,and a mug of steaming
liquid grits.

00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:14,Be good
to your bowels

00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:16,and they'll be
good to you.

00:06:16,968 --> 00:06:19,We also called your
doctor to tell him

00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,we think you've been
a naughty detective.

00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:23,You've been
smoking again.

00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:24,And he said...

00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:25,Quote...

00:06:25,934 --> 00:06:28,"Keep it up and his heart
will burst and splatter

00:06:28,467 --> 00:06:30,all over the inside of
his tar-filled lungs."

00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:32,End quote.

00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,So we set traps

00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:35,in all your
cigarette packages.

149...