12-05 M-Corp Subtitles

At 00:00:01,080, Character said: (WHOOSHING)

2
At 00:00:02,440, Character said: (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

3
At 00:00:40,960, Character said: KRYTEN: # Happy Birthday to you

4
At 00:00:44,360, Character said: # Happy Birthday to you

5
At 00:00:47,520, Character said: # Happy Birthday, Mr Lister

6
At 00:00:53,080, Character said: # Happy Birthday to you #

7
At 00:00:57,960, Character said: Today?

8
At 00:00:59,160, Character said: It's the big one, sir.

9
At 00:01:00,480, Character said: What, I'm thirty?

10
At 00:01:01,600, Character said: - (CHUCKLES)
- Forty?

11
At 00:01:03,880, Character said: Oooooh...

12
At 00:01:05,680, Character said: Oh, what ** I doing? I don't want to know!

13
At 00:01:08,320, Character said: Don't want to know.
Brain, I'm not listening.

14
At 00:01:10,560, Character said: La la la la la la la. (MIMICS SINGING)

15
At 00:01:14,720, Character said: The years pass, but with them comes

16
At 00:01:17,080, Character said: the soothing balm of
new found grace and maturity.

17
At 00:01:21,760, Character said: Now eat up because
it's time for your present.

18
At 00:01:24,920, Character said: I don't need a present, Krytes.
I've g***t everything I need.

19
At 00:01:27,760, Character said: Sir, you've g***t nothing.

20
At 00:01:30,120, Character said: No life, no partner, no future.
You're so easy to shop for.

21
At 00:01:37,720, Character said: - (GROANS)
- (CAT SCREAMING IN TUNE)

22
At 00:01:43,640, Character said: Hey bud, answer me this,

23
At 00:01:46,120, Character said: ** I actually getting more good-looking?

24
At 00:01:49,760, Character said: 'Cause, yesterday, I was looking
at myself in the mirror

25
At 00:01:52,840, Character said: and the next thing you know, it's today.

26
At 00:01:56,920, Character said: Hey, are you even listening to me?

27
At 00:01:58,800, Character said: - (GASPING) Chest. Chest.
- Huh?

28
At 00:02:01,480, Character said: You wanna play chess?

29
At 00:02:03,600, Character said: But we're missing half the pieces,

30
At 00:02:05,120, Character said: and even the pieces we've g***t,
aren't all there.

31
At 00:02:07,360, Character said: And as for that horsey one.
Where the hell are his legs?

32
At 00:02:11,800, Character said: Okay, what is wrong with you today?
Why are you acting so crazy.

33
At 00:02:14,760, Character said: (THUD)

34
At 00:02:18,960, Character said: Mmmm.

35
At 00:02:27,960, Character said: It's your birthday
and you have a heart attack.

36
At 00:02:31,520, Character said: It could only happen to you.
It's hilarious.

37
At 00:02:35,320, Character said: - You realize now, you'll have to retire.
- Retire?

38
At 00:02:38,440, Character said: You'll have to take it easy, stop work.

39
At 00:02:40,800, Character said: You'll probably spend most of your days
sitting in the sleeping quarters,

40
At 00:02:43,400, Character said: watching TV, having your meals
delivered to you on a tray. No, wait.

41
At 00:02:49,080, Character said: You're really loving this, aren't you?

42
At 00:02:50,760, Character said: I will be in a minute when Kryten
comes in and takes your temperature

43
At 00:02:53,560, Character said: with a rectal thermometer.

44
At 00:02:55,840, Character said: And as it's your birthday,

45
At 00:02:57,240, Character said: here's hoping he puts a candle
on the end and asks you to blow it out.

46
At 00:03:02,680, Character said: Good news, sir.

47
At 00:03:04,000, Character said: Why, even more good news,
what this time?

48
At 00:03:07,000, Character said: Mr Lister's heart is tickety-boo.

49
At 00:03:10,000, Character said: Apparently, it was
a severe indigestion attack.

50
At 00:03:14,080, Character said: I'm not sure
what could have caused that.

51
At 00:03:16,440, Character said: So, can I leave
after I've finished this?

52
At 00:03:18,640, Character said: Well. The MC says you're
no longer a medical emergency,

53
At 00:03:22,240, Character said: but as a precaution, I'd like to insert
a monitoring chip into your bloodstream.

54
At 00:03:26,800, Character said: - (BEEP)
- (AIR HISSING)

55
At 00:03:28,000, Character said: What does it do exactly?

56
At 00:03:30,040, Character said: Why don't you ask it yourself.

57
At 00:03:31,680, Character said: - (BEEPING)
- (WHIRRING)

58
At 00:03:33,720, Character said: CHIPPY: (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hello, Dave.

59
At 00:03:35,160, Character said: I'm Chippy, your health-monitoring mate.

60
At 00:03:37,840, Character said: I'm currently travelling through
your body collecting medi-data.

61
At 00:03:41,400, Character said: Right now I'm in your heart,

62
At 00:03:42,880, Character said: trying to get down one of your arteries.

63
At 00:03:45,880, Character said: (CHIPPY STRAINING)

64
At 00:03:50,360, Character said: A bit of a squeeze.

65
At 00:03:51,960, Character said: (CONTINUES STRAINING)

66
At 00:03:53,840, Character said: - That was tight.
- Is everything okay?

67
At 00:03:55,920, Character said: Well if I'm honest I've been better,

68
At 00:03:57,720, Character said: my battery's not what it was.

69
At 00:03:59,800, Character said: I was talking about me.

70
At 00:04:02,120, Character said: Oh, I see.

71
At 00:04:03,400, Character said: Well Dave, some of your arteries have
more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop,

72
At 00:04:08,320, Character said: but diet and exercise can fix all that.

73
At 00:04:11,600, Character said: I can also monitor your improvement
by giving you daily updates

74
At 00:04:14,720, Character said: of when you're likely to die.

75
At 00:04:16,280, Character said: Would you like to know that, Dave?

76
At 00:04:17,760, Character said: (IMITATING LISTER) Er, Yes please, man.

77
At 00:04:27,120, Character said: You'll be 63, Dave.

78
At 00:04:29,040, Character said: Rimmer! I didn't want to know that!

79
At 00:04:31,680, Character said: Actually, I think I **
getting chest pains now.

80
At 00:04:34,680, Character said: You are getting chest pains, Dave.

81
At 00:04:36,560, Character said: Yeah, it's the stress of listening
to you telling me when I'm gonna die!

82
At 00:04:41,120, Character said: I'll run some tests.

83
At 00:04:42,640, Character said: I'm sure there's no cause of...
Oh, dear.

84
At 00:04:47,040, Character said: Oh, dear what?

85
At 00:04:48,120, Character said: - (BEEPING)
- (WARNING ALARM SOUNDING)

86
At 00:04:49,800, Character said: CHIPPY: Dave, please remain calm,

87
At 00:04:51,480, Character said: but you have a giant arterial blockage
in your left coronary artery.

88
At 00:04:55,120, Character said: The stress of hearing you're
going to die has caused you to die.

89
At 00:04:58,360, Character said: Smegging hell. I'm gonna die.

90
At 00:04:59,920, Character said: Now, please call emergency services.

91
At 00:05:02,320, Character said: On second thoughts,
best not waste their time.

92
At 00:05:04,400, Character said: As I'm afraid you're going to die
right now, Dave.

93
At 00:05:06,400, Character said: Three, two, one.

94
At 00:05:08,840, Character said: - (CHIPPY EXPLODES)
- (POWERING DOWN)

95
At 00:05:13,440, Character said: What the smeg happened there?

96
At 00:05:15,760, Character said: It appears Chippy mixed up
your death with its own.

97
At 00:05:18,800, Character said: Why?

98
At 00:05:20,000, Character said: Request permission to carry out
a full investigation, sir.

99
At 00:05:23,560, Character said: Permission granted.

100
At 00:05:32,360, Character said: It seems the corrupted files were caused

101
At 00:05:34,720, Character said: because Chippy was
running off old software.

102
At 00:05:37,360, Character said: - How come?
- For several years now,

103
At 00:05:39,280, Character said: the system updates

104
At 00:05:40,560, Character said: haven't been automatically installing.

105
At 00:05:42,600, Character said: Why didn't it show up
on any of the consoles?

106
At 00:05:44,880, Character said: - A broken connection?
- Or maybe, someone unplugged something

107
At 00:05:48,560, Character said: and used them
for his heated curling tongs?

108
At 00:05:54,400, Character said: And there was a voice that said,

109
At 00:05:55,800, Character said: "Do not unplug,
software updates will not be installed."

110
At 00:06:00,040, Character said: And this dude had to make a choice
between his hair and the updates.

111
At 00:06:06,120, Character said: And he chose his hair.

112
At 00:06:09,360, Character said: Maybe?

113
At 00:06:11,560, Character said: - You did that?
- You've been spying on me?

114
At 00:06:15,080, Character said: Kryten, get the updates installed.

115
At 00:06:17,360, Character said: Let's see what
we've been missing out on.

116
At 00:06:19,040, Character said: (BEEPING)

117
At 00:06:20,280, Character said: (WHIRRING)

118
At 00:06:25,720, Character said: (MELODIC TUNE PLAYING)

119
At 00:06:28,400, Character said: M-Corp?

120
At 00:06:30,040, Character said: Your company has been bought by M-Corp.

121
At 00:06:32,640, Character said: You probably have a lot of questions.

122
At 00:06:34,960, Character said: Who is M-Corp? What do we do?

123
At 00:06:37,720, Character said: Let's find out together.

124
At 00:06:39,760, Character said: M-Corp is the biggest multinational
conglomerate in known space.

125
At 00:06:44,400, Character said: We lead, we innovate using
our patented M-Corp port technology.

126
At 00:06:49,240, Character said: Your ship will now be stocked
with a variety of M-Corp products

127
At 00:06:53,160, Character said: to elevate your lifestyle in space.

128
At 00:07:00,760, Character said: M-Corp. We love looking after you.

129
At 00:07:03,760, Character said: Computers!

130
At 00:07:04,840, Character said: TVs.

131
At 00:07:05,920, Character said: Microwaves.

132
At 00:07:07,240, Character said: Kryten, give me a hand to take some
of this stuff up to the Science Room.

133
At 00:07:10,840, Character said: Hey, look.

134
At 00:07:13,080, Character said: They even do lager!

135
At 00:07:18,280, Character said: Wow! Look at this.

136
At 00:07:21,160, Character said: 6.5% ABV. Aromatic barrel-aged

137
At 00:07:25,800, Character said: - with hints of honey and citrus.
- Hmm.

138
At 00:07:28,040, Character said: I'll put these bad boys in the fridge.

139
At 00:07:29,640, Character said: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

140
At 00:07:31,640, Character said: Hey, it's empty.
Where's the Leopard Lager?

141