12-05 M-Corp Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:02,360 (WHOOSHING) 2 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:04,920 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 3 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:44,160 KRYTEN: # Happy Birthday to you 4 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,240 # Happy Birthday to you 5 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:51,760 # Happy Birthday, Mr Lister 6 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,880 # Happy Birthday to you # 7 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,080 Today? 8 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,400 It's the big one, sir. 9 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,520 What, I'm thirty? 10 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,856 - (CHUCKLES) - Forty? 11 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:04,880 Oooooh... 12 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,920 Oh, what ** I doing? I don't want to know! 13 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,480 Don't want to know. Brain, I'm not listening. 14 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,640 La la la la la la la. (MIMICS SINGING) 15 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,000 The years pass, but with them comes 16 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,040 the soothing balm of new found grace and maturity. 17 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,360 Now eat up because it's time for your present. 18 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,680 I don't need a present, Krytes. I've g***t everything I need. 19 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,520 Sir, you've g***t nothing. 20 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:34,720 No life, no partner, no future. You're so easy to shop for. 21 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,080 - (GROANS) - (CAT SCREAMING IN TUNE) 22 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,640 Hey bud, answer me this, 23 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,800 ** I actually getting more good-looking? 24 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,760 'Cause, yesterday, I was looking at myself in the mirror 25 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,160 and the next thing you know, it's today. 26 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,360 Hey, are you even listening to me? 27 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,400 - (GASPING) Chest. Chest. - Huh? 28 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:02,480 You wanna play chess? 29 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,040 But we're missing half the pieces, 30 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,120 and even the pieces we've g***t, aren't all there. 31 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,280 And as for that horsey one. Where the hell are his legs? 32 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,680 Okay, what is wrong with you today? Why are you acting so crazy. 33 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:15,880 (THUD) 34 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,120 Mmmm. 35 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,040 It's your birthday and you have a heart attack. 36 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,480 It could only happen to you. It's hilarious. 37 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,120 - You realize now, you'll have to retire. - Retire? 38 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,520 You'll have to take it easy, stop work. 39 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,320 You'll probably spend most of your days sitting in the sleeping quarters, 40 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,240 watching TV, having your meals delivered to you on a tray. No, wait. 41 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,680 You're really loving this, aren't you? 42 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,480 I will be in a minute when Kryten comes in and takes your temperature 43 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:54,600 with a rectal thermometer. 44 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,160 And as it's your birthday, 45 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,280 here's hoping he puts a candle on the end and asks you to blow it out. 46 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,920 Good news, sir. 47 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,480 Why, even more good news, what this time? 48 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,640 Mr Lister's heart is tickety-boo. 49 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,680 Apparently, it was a severe indigestion attack. 50 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,840 I'm not sure what could have caused that. 51 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,440 So, can I leave after I've finished this? 52 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,880 Well. The MC says you're no longer a medical emergency, 53 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:26,520 but as a precaution, I'd like to insert a monitoring chip into your bloodstream. 54 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:27,920 - (BEEP) - (AIR HISSING) 55 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,320 What does it do exactly? 56 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,600 Why don't you ask it yourself. 57 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,640 - (BEEPING) - (WHIRRING) 58 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,080 CHIPPY: (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hello, Dave. 59 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,480 I'm Chippy, your health-monitoring mate. 60 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,840 I'm currently travelling through your body collecting medi-data. 61 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,800 Right now I'm in your heart, 62 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,040 trying to get down one of your arteries. 63 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:50,040 (CHIPPY STRAINING) 64 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,880 A bit of a squeeze. 65 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,480 (CONTINUES STRAINING) 66 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,480 - That was tight. - Is everything okay? 67 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,640 Well if I'm honest I've been better, 68 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,520 my battery's not what it was. 69 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,240 I was talking about me. 70 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,320 Oh, I see. 71 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:07,560 Well Dave, some of your arteries have more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop, 72 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,360 but diet and exercise can fix all that. 73 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,640 I can also monitor your improvement by giving you daily updates 74 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,200 of when you're likely to die. 75 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:17,680 Would you like to know that, Dave? 76 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,080 (IMITATING LISTER) Er, Yes please, man. 77 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,960 You'll be 63, Dave. 78 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,160 Rimmer! I didn't want to know that! 79 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,400 Actually, I think I ** getting chest pains now. 80 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,480 You are getting chest pains, Dave. 81 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,960 Yeah, it's the stress of listening to you telling me when I'm gonna die! 82 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:42,560 I'll run some tests. 83 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,800 I'm sure there's no cause of... Oh, dear. 84 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,040 Oh, dear what? 85 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,720 - (BEEPING) - (WARNING ALARM SOUNDING) 86 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,400 CHIPPY: Dave, please remain calm, 87 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,040 but you have a giant arterial blockage in your left coronary artery. 88 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,240 The stress of hearing you're going to die has caused you to die. 89 00:04:58,360 --> 00:04:59,840 Smegging hell. I'm gonna die. 90 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,240 Now, please call emergency services. 91 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,320 On second thoughts, best not waste their time. 92 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,320 As I'm afraid you're going to die right now, Dave. 93 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,760 Three, two, one. 94 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,520 - (CHIPPY EXPLODES) - (POWERING DOWN) 95 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,200 What the smeg happened there? 96 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,720 It appears Chippy mixed up your death with its own. 97 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,800 Why? 98 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,200 Request permission to carry out a full investigation, sir. 99 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:24,840 Permission granted. 100 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,640 It seems the corrupted files were caused 101 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,280 because Chippy was running off old software. 102 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,200 - How come? - For several years now, 103 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,480 the system updates 104 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,400 haven't been automatically installing. 105 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,760 Why didn't it show up on any of the consoles? 106 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,480 - A broken connection? - Or maybe, someone unplugged something 107 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,920 and used them for his heated curling tongs? 108 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,720 And there was a voice that said, 109 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,880 "Do not unplug, software updates will not be installed." 110 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,600 And this dude had to make a choice between his hair and the updates. 111 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,720 And he chose his hair. 112 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,360 Maybe? 113 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,880 - You did that? - You've been spying on me? 114 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,280 Kryten, get the updates installed. 115 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,960 Let's see what we've been missing out on. 116 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,200 (BEEPING) 117 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,720 (WHIRRING) 118 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,160 (MELODIC TUNE PLAYING) 119 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,560 M-Corp? 120 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,560 Your company has been bought by M-Corp. 121 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,640 You probably have a lot of questions. 122 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,320 Who is M-Corp? What do we do? 123 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,360 Let's find out together. 124 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:43,880 M-Corp is the biggest multinational conglomerate in known space. 125 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:49,000 We lead, we innovate using our patented M-Corp port technology. 126 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,840 Your ship will now be stocked with a variety of M-Corp products 127 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,360 to elevate your lifestyle in space. 128 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,440 M-Corp. We love looking after you. 129 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:04,760 Computers! 130 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:05,840 TVs. 131 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:06,960 Microwaves. 132 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,120 Kryten, give me a hand to take some of this stuff up to the Science Room. 133 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,160 Hey, look. 134 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,840 They even do lager! 135 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,040 Wow! Look at this. 136 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:25,720 6.5% ABV. Aromatic barrel-aged 137 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,960 - with hints of honey and citrus. - Hmm. 138 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,560 I'll put these bad boys in the fridge. 139 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:30,640 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 140 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,200 Hey, it's empty. Where's the Leopard Lager? 141 00:07:34,280 -->...