12-06 Skipper Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,320 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,480 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) 3 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:47,920 Hey-hey, Officer Smegski. 4 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:49,560 How's it going, non bud? 5 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,840 I'm busy, don't disturb me. 6 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,920 Last time you disturbed me, I was doing the safety check. 7 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,360 And, I failed to notice that the diesel decks were flooded. 8 00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,840 All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire." 9 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,240 And it distracted me. I had to break off from what I was doing and put you out. 10 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,480 I was just cooking, is that a crime? 11 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,200 As far as I'm concerned, you're not allowed to cook. 12 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,680 You always get distracted by your reflection in the spatula 13 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,560 Man, that is such a cliché. 14 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,720 I can look at myself in a mirror without getting distracted. 15 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,040 Hey, guys. 16 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:32,800 Cat. 17 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,480 Cat. 18 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:36,560 - Cat! - Wh... Wha... What? 19 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,080 (STUTTERING) Where ** I? What's happening? 20 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,200 You'll never guess what me and Kryten have found. 21 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,760 We've been going through Human Resources 22 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,920 and found Captain Hollister's crew appraisal files. 23 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,360 You shouldn't be reading those. They're for the Captain's eyes only. 24 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,040 Why do you think we're reading them? 25 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,120 This is mine. Check this. 26 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,800 David Lister, although clearly quite bright, is lazy, slovenly, 27 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,640 rebellious, unreliable, rude and disorganized. 28 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,160 You hear that? He thought I was quite bright. 29 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:06,800 How cool is that? 30 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,080 - Let me see mine. - No, no, no. 31 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:10,760 He'll only read the good parts. 32 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,200 Lister, hand it over. 33 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,680 Okay. This is you. 34 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,080 "Arnold J Rimmer comes from an outstanding military family, 35 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,920 "his three brothers all hold positions of command 36 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,400 "and are hugely respected members of the Space Corps. 37 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,720 "Arnold, however has not succeeded to the same bla bla bla, 38 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,640 largely due to his bla bla bla bla bla, consequently and rather tragically, 39 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,040 "he's found he has never attained 40 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,280 "any of the bla bla blas he's set himself. 41 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,880 "In summary, he will never get bla bla bla in life 42 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,000 "while he continues to blame everyone for his own failings." 43 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,440 Blame people? I don't blame people. 44 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,960 And even if I do, I g***t that off my Mum. She's a huge blamer. 45 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,920 It's not my fault I never made anything of myself. 46 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,400 What chance did I stand stuck with you lot? 47 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,120 How's it our fault? 48 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,760 You're supposed to surround yourself with people who are brighter 49 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,040 and more successful than you. 50 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,320 You have. 51 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:09,720 Quite bright. 52 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,160 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) 53 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,000 I'm trying to get Mr. Lister to adopt a healthier lifestyle. 54 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,120 Fruit? You've g***t more chance 55 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,280 of getting a vampire to eat garlic bread. 56 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,680 Goodness, have you seen this on the mid-range scan? 57 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,200 It's quite terrifying! 58 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,960 I've told Lister a hundred times 59 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,760 not to use my passport photo as the screen saver. 60 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,000 Front on has never been my best side. 61 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,520 And why he wants to blu-tack a piece of donner kebab meat 62 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,440 to the screen, to make me look like Freddie Mercury, is beyond me. 63 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,280 Just clean it off. 64 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,480 No, sir, you don't understand, the scanner's picked something up. 65 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,720 What is that? 66 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:02,320 It appears that some kind of anomaly has penetrated our universe. 67 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,560 I hate people who use the word anomaly, 68 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,520 they think they're so cool. 69 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,400 "Oh, look, here's an anomaly, anomalling away. 70 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,520 "I'm really cosmologically 'on trend' because I know what 'anomaly' means." 71 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,200 It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird. 72 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,400 Sir, something weird has penetrated our universe 73 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,760 which appears to have caused a giant lesion 74 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,760 across the space-time continuum. 75 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,120 Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir? Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'? 76 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,600 Lesion, cuts, they're both the same to me, 77 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,760 it's the people who say continuum I can't stand. 78 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,480 Whatever it is, sir, it's heading our way. 79 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,160 - Could we out-run it? - (SCOFFS) Sir, 80 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:43,240 Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy with a backpack of uranium 81 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,400 who's just scoffed a family fun bucket. 82 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:46,680 (RUMBLING) 83 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:51,760 What the hell was that? 84 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,080 Some crazy quake thing. 85 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:54,440 You think it's serious? 86 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,480 Listen. Unless the chick with the really calm voice 87 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,960 starts talking it ain't serious. 88 00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,480 CALM VOICE LADY: Please remain calm. 89 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,400 There is no need for alarm. 90 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680 It's serious. Start panicking! 91 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,880 CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew please return to their quarters, 92 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,760 so we can begin a body count of the survivors. 93 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,600 We ain't going to no sleeping quarters. 94 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,560 We're going up to the science room, find out what the hell's happening! 95 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:16,920 D***n right. 96 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,720 - What just happened? - I don't know. 97 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,880 We were in the corridor heading to the science room. 98 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,640 Let's think about this. 99 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,800 - Make us a coffee, would you? - Hey, I'm a cat, 100 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,560 I ain't making you coffee. 101 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:34,640 Milk and two sugars, right? 102 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,160 Cheers, man. 103 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,200 I just made that? 104 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,440 When did I just make that? 105 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:45,920 Why did I just make that? 106 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,160 What the hell's going on? 107 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,120 I don't know, but I like it. G***t any biscuits? 108 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,360 I ain't getting you no biscuits. 109 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:54,600 Biscuits? 110 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,440 Weird. 111 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,320 What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay? 112 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,280 Running a damage report now, sir. 113 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,960 (BEEPING) 114 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,280 And? 115 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,280 (FASTER BEEPING) 116 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:13,920 And? 117 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,000 (FASTER BEEPING) 118 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:20,400 As Louis the XVI might have said, had he been in the exact same situation: 119 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,000 - 'Et?" - According to the computer, 120 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,280 I haven't requested a damage report. 121 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,000 - But I just saw you request one. - And I did, sir. 122 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,200 Right, new plan, let's not request a damage report, instead... 123 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,040 (COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in. 124 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,200 Was there some sort of time lag? 125 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,280 (GRINDING CONTINUES) 126 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,640 We shouldn't tell the others until we get to the bottom of this. 127 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,200 Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat 128 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,040 please make their way to the science room. 129 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:44,920 How did I get here? 130 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,600 I didn't see you move. 131 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,040 I wonder. 132 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,840 Permission to try an anomalous, I mean weird, experiment, sir. 133 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,480 - How weird? - Just moderately weird, sir, 134 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,040 say a 1989 Michael Jackson. 135 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:01,920 Now, here's what I want you to do. 136 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,480 Make a decision and if my theory is correct, 137 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:05,960 when you've made the decision, 138 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,880 the choice you...