12-06 Skipper Subtitles

At 00:00:01,040, Character said: (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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At 00:00:34,640, Character said: (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

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At 00:00:45,720, Character said: Hey-hey, Officer Smegski.

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At 00:00:48,280, Character said: How's it going, non bud?

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At 00:00:50,200, Character said: I'm busy, don't disturb me.

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At 00:00:52,360, Character said: Last time you disturbed me,
I was doing the safety check.

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At 00:00:55,000, Character said: And, I failed to notice
that the diesel decks were flooded.

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At 00:00:58,200, Character said: All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire."

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At 00:01:01,480, Character said: And it distracted me. I had to break off
from what I was doing and put you out.

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At 00:01:06,840, Character said: I was just cooking, is that a crime?

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At 00:01:08,760, Character said: As far as I'm concerned,
you're not allowed to cook.

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At 00:01:11,800, Character said: You always get distracted
by your reflection in the spatula

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At 00:01:15,320, Character said: Man, that is such a cliché.

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At 00:01:18,360, Character said: I can look at myself in a mirror
without getting distracted.

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At 00:01:30,040, Character said: Hey, guys.

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At 00:01:31,800, Character said: Cat.

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At 00:01:33,480, Character said: Cat.

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At 00:01:35,560, Character said: - Cat!
- Wh... Wha... What?

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At 00:01:36,680, Character said: (STUTTERING) Where ** I?
What's happening?

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At 00:01:39,240, Character said: You'll never guess what me
and Kryten have found.

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At 00:01:41,600, Character said: We've been going through Human Resources

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At 00:01:43,840, Character said: and found Captain Hollister's
crew appraisal files.

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At 00:01:47,320, Character said: You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.

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At 00:01:50,560, Character said: Why do you think we're reading them?

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At 00:01:53,120, Character said: This is mine. Check this.

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At 00:01:54,800, Character said: David Lister, although clearly
quite bright, is lazy, slovenly,

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At 00:01:58,920, Character said: rebellious, unreliable,
rude and disorganized.

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At 00:02:01,920, Character said: You hear that?
He thought I was quite bright.

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At 00:02:05,760, Character said: How cool is that?

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At 00:02:07,360, Character said: - Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.

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At 00:02:09,640, Character said: He'll only read the good parts.

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At 00:02:11,040, Character said: Lister, hand it over.

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At 00:02:12,320, Character said: Okay. This is you.

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At 00:02:16,880, Character said: "Arnold J Rimmer comes
from an outstanding military family,

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At 00:02:20,560, Character said: "his three brothers
all hold positions of command

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At 00:02:23,000, Character said: "and are hugely respected members
of the Space Corps.

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At 00:02:26,120, Character said: "Arnold, however has not succeeded
to the same bla bla bla,

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At 00:02:30,400, Character said: largely due to his bla bla bla bla bla,
consequently and rather tragically,

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At 00:02:33,720, Character said: "he's found he has never attained

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At 00:02:35,120, Character said: "any of the bla bla blas
he's set himself.

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At 00:02:37,840, Character said: "In summary, he will never get
bla bla bla in life

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At 00:02:41,280, Character said: "while he continues to blame everyone
for his own failings."

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At 00:02:45,200, Character said: Blame people? I don't blame people.

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At 00:02:47,680, Character said: And even if I do, I g***t that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.

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At 00:02:53,600, Character said: It's not my fault
I never made anything of myself.

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At 00:02:56,320, Character said: What chance did I stand
stuck with you lot?

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At 00:02:58,960, Character said: How's it our fault?

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At 00:03:01,400, Character said: You're supposed to surround yourself
with people who are brighter

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At 00:03:03,840, Character said: and more successful than you.

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At 00:03:05,320, Character said: You have.

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At 00:03:08,720, Character said: Quite bright.

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At 00:03:16,200, Character said: (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

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At 00:03:21,760, Character said: I'm trying to get Mr. Lister
to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

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At 00:03:25,520, Character said: Fruit? You've g***t more chance

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At 00:03:27,200, Character said: of getting a vampire
to eat garlic bread.

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At 00:03:31,440, Character said: Goodness, have you seen this
on the mid-range scan?

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At 00:03:33,760, Character said: It's quite terrifying!

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At 00:03:35,400, Character said: I've told Lister a hundred times

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At 00:03:37,040, Character said: not to use my passport photo
as the screen saver.

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At 00:03:40,200, Character said: Front on has never been my best side.

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At 00:03:43,800, Character said: And why he wants to blu-tack
a piece of donner kebab meat

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At 00:03:46,600, Character said: to the screen, to make me look like
Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.

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At 00:03:51,280, Character said: Just clean it off.

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At 00:03:53,440, Character said: No, sir, you don't understand,
the scanner's picked something up.

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At 00:03:56,720, Character said: What is that?

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At 00:03:58,120, Character said: It appears that some kind of anomaly
has penetrated our universe.

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At 00:04:02,520, Character said: I hate people who use the word anomaly,

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At 00:04:05,000, Character said: they think they're so cool.

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At 00:04:06,960, Character said: "Oh, look, here's an anomaly,
anomalling away.

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At 00:04:09,640, Character said: "I'm really cosmologically 'on trend'
because I know what 'anomaly' means."

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At 00:04:14,720, Character said: It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.

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At 00:04:18,080, Character said: Sir, something weird
has penetrated our universe

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At 00:04:21,480, Character said: which appears to have caused
a giant lesion

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At 00:04:23,880, Character said: across the space-time continuum.

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At 00:04:26,360, Character said: Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir?
Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'?

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At 00:04:29,520, Character said: Lesion, cuts,
they're both the same to me,

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At 00:04:31,920, Character said: it's the people
who say continuum I can't stand.

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At 00:04:35,640, Character said: Whatever it is, sir,
it's heading our way.

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At 00:04:37,560, Character said: - Could we out-run it?
- (SCOFFS) Sir,

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At 00:04:39,240, Character said: Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy
with a backpack of uranium

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At 00:04:43,400, Character said: who's just scoffed a family fun bucket.

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At 00:04:45,680, Character said: (RUMBLING)

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At 00:04:50,760, Character said: What the hell was that?

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At 00:04:51,840, Character said: Some crazy quake thing.

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At 00:04:53,440, Character said: You think it's serious?

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At 00:04:54,680, Character said: Listen. Unless the chick
with the really calm voice

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At 00:04:56,560, Character said: starts talking it ain't serious.

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At 00:04:58,040, Character said: CALM VOICE LADY:
Please remain calm.

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At 00:05:00,840, Character said: There is no need for alarm.

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At 00:05:02,480, Character said: It's serious. Start panicking!

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At 00:05:04,920, Character said: CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew
please return to their quarters,

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At 00:05:08,040, Character said: so we can begin a body count
of the survivors.

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At 00:05:11,120, Character said: We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.

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At 00:05:12,720, Character said: We're going up to the science room,
find out what the hell's happening!

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At 00:05:15,920, Character said: D***n right.

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At 00:05:19,200, Character said: - What just happened?
- I don't know.

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At 00:05:22,800, Character said: We were in the corridor
heading to the science room.

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At 00:05:26,560, Character said: Let's think about this.

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At 00:05:28,480, Character said: - Make us a coffee, would you?
- Hey, I'm a cat,

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At 00:05:31,240, Character said: I ain't making you coffee.

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At 00:05:33,520, Character said: Milk and two sugars, right?

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At 00:05:36,160, Character said: Cheers, man.

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At 00:05:40,200, Character said: I just made that?

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At 00:05:42,360, Character said: When did I just make that?

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At 00:05:44,680, Character said: Why did I just make that?

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At 00:05:47,080, Character said: What the hell's going on?

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At 00:05:48,840, Character said: I don't know, but I like it.
G***t any biscuits?

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At 00:05:51,800, Character said: I ain't getting you no biscuits.

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At 00:05:53,600, Character said: Biscuits?

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At 00:05:56,440, Character said: Weird.

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At 00:06:03,320, Character said: What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay?

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At 00:06:05,680, Character said: Running a damage report now, sir.

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At 00:06:07,400, Character said: (BEEPING)

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At 00:06:09,280, Character said: And?

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At 00:06:10,560, Character said: (FASTER BEEPING)

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At 00:06:12,920, Character said: And?

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At 00:06:14,000, Character said: (FASTER BEEPING)

118
At 00:06:16,680, Character said: As Louis the XVI might have said,
had he been in the exact same situation:

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At 00:06:20,560, Character said: - 'Et?"
- According to the computer,

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At 00:06:23,080, Character said: I haven't requested a damage report.

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At 00:06:25,760, Character said: - But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.

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At 00:06:28,160, Character said: Right, new plan, let's not request
a damage report, instead...

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At 00:06:32,360, Character said: (COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.

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At 00:06:34,840, Character said: Was there some sort of time lag?

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At 00:06:36,280, Character said: (GRINDING CONTINUES)

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At 00:06:37,360, Character said: We shouldn't tell the others
until we get to the bottom of this.

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At 00:06:39,720, Character said: Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat

128
At 00:06:41,280, Character said: please make their way
to the science room.

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At 00:06:43,920, Character said: How did I get here?

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At 00:06:45,400, Character said: I didn't see you move.

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At 00:06:47,040, Character said: I wonder.

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At 00:06:48,280, Character said: Permission to try an anomalous,
I mean weird, experiment, sir.

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At 00:06:52,320, Character said: - How weird?
- Just moderately weird, sir,

134
At 00:06:54,560, Character said: say a 1989 Michael Jackson.

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At 00:07:00,560, Character said: Now, here's what I want you to do.

136
At 00:07:02,000, Character said: Make a decision
and if my theory is correct,

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At 00:07:04,680, Character said: when you've made the decision,

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At 00:07:06,160, Character said: the choice you...