Cucumber S01E04 (2015) Subtitles

At 00:00:02,480, Character said: - For Christ's sake, go home.
- Oh, don't you start!

1
At 00:00:05,760, Character said: There's this bloke at work.

2
At 00:00:08,040, Character said: Here's my number - better strap
that whopper down, mate.

3
At 00:00:10,360, Character said: What are you looking for, then?

4
At 00:00:11,440, Character said: - Someone like you.
- He scores!

5
At 00:00:13,560, Character said: All my life I've been scared of the man.

6
At 00:00:16,520, Character said: - Does this mean you're a virgin?
- I'm really not talking about it, OK?

7
At 00:00:19,760, Character said: Freddie. Nice to meet you at last.

8
At 00:00:21,640, Character said: - Sorry.
- That's OK. We're all mad.

9
At 00:00:25,280, Character said: You're meeting him eight o'clock,
Saturday night, I used your photo.

10
At 00:00:27,720, Character said: G***t you a date.

11
At 00:01:12,720, Character said: I've g***t a date.

12
At 00:02:59,280, Character said: - Are you OK?
- Yeah.

13
At 00:03:00,320, Character said: - Can you breathe?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

14
At 00:03:02,720, Character said: - Clive!
- Sorry!

15
At 00:03:04,120, Character said: I'm not even Scottish, it was this
stupid website thing, this...

16
At 00:03:07,440, Character said: kilt fetish.

17
At 00:03:08,560, Character said: I'm Rupert. My real name's Rupert, hello!

18
At 00:03:12,280, Character said: Right. Rupert. Nice name.

19
At 00:03:13,960, Character said: Sorry. I'm babbling.
I just get so excited!

20
At 00:03:16,800, Character said: Cos all that stuff you told me, online.

21
At 00:03:18,360, Character said: I have to say, Henry, I love a man who
knows exactly what he is.

22
At 00:03:22,560, Character said: And what is that again?

23
At 00:03:25,040, Character said: Power bottom. Cheers!

24
At 00:03:27,760, Character said: So, if I phone Transport,
the request has to go through Steven.

25
At 00:03:33,320, Character said: They've doubled his workload.

26
At 00:03:37,920, Character said: Although, technically,
Steven asked for the requests.

27
At 00:03:45,000, Character said: That's not how he sees it.

28
At 00:03:47,640, Character said: So it was Sanjay's idea,
to ask you out. He dared me.

29
At 00:03:50,400, Character said: Yeah, you know we had a thing?
Me and Sanjay. Last year.

30
At 00:03:54,080, Character said: - Just for a couple of weeks.
- Yeah, he told me.

31
At 00:03:56,040, Character said: And that's OK?

32
At 00:03:57,360, Character said: It's cool.

33
At 00:03:58,920, Character said: It's not like... too cool?

34
At 00:04:01,040, Character said: Cos, like... Some girls,
a couple of times,

35
At 00:04:04,760, Character said: the fact that I go with boys...
It's, er...

36
At 00:04:07,360, Character said: It's like a trophy.

37
At 00:04:09,600, Character said: Hold on. Pulling you is like
winning a trophy?

38
At 00:04:12,840, Character said: F***k off.

39
At 00:04:14,680, Character said: And that's Alannah. That's her.

40
At 00:04:16,720, Character said: Alannah. Wow.

41
At 00:04:19,120, Character said: God knows what she sees in me.

42
At 00:04:21,560, Character said: We've been together for six months.

43
At 00:04:23,600, Character said: She's absolutely gorgeous.

44
At 00:04:26,000, Character said: Does she know about tonight?

45
At 00:04:28,840, Character said: No, do you think I should?

46
At 00:04:30,240, Character said: Oh, my God, no. No way!

47
At 00:04:32,640, Character said: Do you know what the maddest
thing of all is? The Rescuers.

48
At 00:04:35,480, Character said: Someone at Disney went mad that day,
they said,

49
At 00:04:37,760, Character said: ' "Let's do a film about a mouse.'"

50
At 00:04:39,840, Character said: It's like edging.

51
At 00:04:41,600, Character said: This Henry of yours is edging.

52
At 00:04:43,320, Character said: You've seen the edging websites?

53
At 00:04:45,680, Character said: And that's my secret.
It's called oil-pulling.

54
At 00:04:48,360, Character said: Every morning,
I take a mouthful of sunflower oil,

55
At 00:04:50,040, Character said: and I keep it in my mouth for 20 minutes.

56
At 00:04:52,560, Character said: Cos he moves in with this boy,
who he's never gonna have,

57
At 00:04:55,960, Character said: and maybe that's the whole point.

58
At 00:04:58,080, Character said: He can edge instead.

59
At 00:04:59,400, Character said: And this mouse is like Zsa Zsa Gabor.
In a big hat.

60
At 00:05:02,720, Character said: No swallowing,
just 20 minutes in my mouth.

61
At 00:05:04,200, Character said: And the oil draws out all the toxins.

62
At 00:05:06,360, Character said: I'll tell you what the worst thing
of all is.

63
At 00:05:07,840, Character said: - Secateurs.
- Oh, my God.

64
At 00:05:09,560, Character said: I haven't had a cold for three years now.

65
At 00:05:11,040, Character said: And what does this mouse do?
Well, she rescues people.

66
At 00:05:13,600, Character said: And that's it! That's all it is!

67
At 00:05:15,920, Character said: - That's a very deep cut.
- Ouch.

68
At 00:05:17,880, Character said: How mad is that?

69
At 00:05:19,080, Character said: Whole thing is a great big edge.

70
At 00:05:21,360, Character said: Never cut yourself with secateurs.

71
At 00:05:29,560, Character said: Right, there's a bit of a step.

72
At 00:05:30,800, Character said: Where? There?

73
At 00:05:31,920, Character said: That's it, yep, careful now...

74
At 00:05:37,880, Character said: You're wasting petrol.

75
At 00:05:40,920, Character said: So zis appartement of yours,
is it close by?

76
At 00:05:43,520, Character said: Je me demande.

77
At 00:05:44,560, Character said: It's not far. 15 minutes' walk.

78
At 00:05:47,240, Character said: I hope you have a good relationship
with your neighbours.

79
At 00:05:49,640, Character said: Why's that?

80
At 00:05:50,680, Character said: Because I ** gonna ride ze a***s
of Henri, mon ami,

81
At 00:05:53,000, Character said: until you whimper and squeal like ze pig.

82
At 00:05:56,680, Character said: You will not have a comfortable s***t
for ze whole of next week, monsieur.

83
At 00:06:00,640, Character said: Well... Bon.

84
At 00:06:02,880, Character said: To the man who g***t us here...

85
At 00:06:04,440, Character said: Daniel.

86
At 00:06:07,400, Character said: I've been swimming with him.
I've been in the changing rooms.

87
At 00:06:10,520, Character said: Seriously?

88
At 00:06:12,000, Character said: He is packing it.

89
At 00:06:13,920, Character said: To be blunt,
I'd let that man f***k me senseless.

90
At 00:06:16,640, Character said: As hard as he f***g wants.

91
At 00:06:19,640, Character said: Do you want another?

92
At 00:06:20,800, Character said: We could go back to mine.

93
At 00:06:22,880, Character said: Great.

94
At 00:06:24,120, Character said: Good. You can be Daniel.

95
At 00:06:28,000, Character said: Come on! It's simple enough!

96
At 00:06:29,520, Character said: I just want to know,
what's the difference

97
At 00:06:31,440, Character said: - between men and women?
- Don't do this.

98
At 00:06:32,960, Character said: - I'm just asking!
- No, no, no, don't...

99
At 00:06:35,520, Character said: I mean, like now, sitting here, on a date,
with a man,

100
At 00:06:38,360, Character said: with a woman, what's the difference?

101
At 00:06:41,480, Character said: All right. The one, obvious thing?

102
At 00:06:44,640, Character said: If I was on a date with a man,
right now...

103
At 00:06:46,320, Character said: I'd be absolutely, 100%,

104
At 00:06:48,560, Character said: cast-iron guaranteed to have s***x.

105
At 00:06:53,000, Character said: No. Can't see any difference.

106
At 00:06:54,760, Character said: OK. There you go, thank you very much.

107
At 00:06:56,560, Character said: - Hope you had a good time.
- Yeah, it was great, thanks.

108
At 00:06:58,800, Character said: Food was lovely. Now it gets complicated.

109
At 00:07:02,720, Character said: - OK. Well, good luck, I suppose!
- Thanks.

110
At 00:07:07,160, Character said: We don't have to.
We can just say good night.

111
At 00:07:09,120, Character said: If you want.

112
At 00:07:10,840, Character said: I don't know. I'm terrified.

113
At 00:07:12,640, Character said: - Oh, my God, really?
- Just a bit.

114
At 00:07:14,800, Character said: Look, you can go home, I don't mind.

115
At 00:07:16,640, Character said: I mean, we've been friends for
so many years now.

116
At 00:07:19,360, Character said: We can just write this off
as one mad night.

117
At 00:07:21,280, Character said: No.

118
At 00:07:22,720, Character said: No, let's keep going.

119
At 00:07:24,200, Character said: Really. It was my idea in the first place,
so let's just... do it.

120
At 00:07:28,000, Character said: Jesus Christ. The romance is killing me!

121
At 00:07:29,680, Character said: The hotel, then?

122
At 00:07:32,560, Character said: Yeah.

123
At 00:09:21,200, Character said: I'm so gonna f***k you.

124
At 00:09:22,960, Character said: Ah... Now.

125
At 00:09:25,600, Character said: Cliff's g***t a theory...
That's my solicitor, Cliff.

126
At 00:09:29,720, Character said: He says they've g***t to keep
the electricity on,

127
At 00:09:32,200, Character said: or they'd lose their rights
in arbitration...

128
At 00:09:35,600, Character said: Oh, man, I can't wait any more!

129
At 00:09:38,680, Character said: I'm sorry, I'm dying for this.

130
At 00:09:40,200, Character said: Aren't we all?

131
At 00:09:41,920, Character said: You're in charge.
You tell me what you want.

132
At 00:09:45,640, Character said: Mr Power Bottom!

133
At 00:09:47,520, Character said: Well. Where to start?

134
At 00:09:50,120, Character said: It's good to have guidelines,
don't you think?

135
At 00:09:52,800, Character said: Cos some of those positions can go
spectacularly wrong!

136
At 00:09:55,640, Character said: Don't want to break anything now, do we?

137
At 00:09:57,200, Character said: That would be terrible.

138
At 00:09:59,400, Character said: And look.
We don't have to do anything fancy.

139
At 00:10:02,280, Character said: All I want is a nice, hot f***k.

140
At 00:10:04,760, Character said: With a nice, hot man.

141
At 00:10:06,840, Character said: That's you, by the way!

142
At 00:10:10,960, Character said: Ta-daaa! Rupert the Bare!

143
At 00:10:13,960, Character said: That is... healthy.

144...