The.League.of.Gentlemens.Apocalypse.2005.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG Movie Subtitles

1 00:01:27,617 --> 00:01:30,298 Steve, sorry. I couldn't find me phone. 2 00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:33,123 Hi. Thanks for calling back. 3 00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:36,295 No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine. 4 00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:40,758 Er, listen, I've had another idea for Royston Vasey. 5 00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:46,008 What? No, no, hear me out. I think this might be the one. 6 00:01:46,181 --> 00:01:50,309 All the characters wake up one morning and they've g***t tails. 7 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:55,021 Yeah, tails. You know, animals' tails, like dogs, monkeys, pigs. 8 00:01:55,190 --> 00:01:57,563 Y'know, big bushy ones, 9 00:01:57,734 --> 00:02:00,024 squiggly ones, 10 00:02:00,195 --> 00:02:02,948 swishing ones, little bobtailed ones. 11 00:02:03,115 --> 00:02:05,985 Ones that poke over the tops of their heads. 12 00:02:07,286 --> 00:02:10,405 I don't know, I've only just thought of it. 13 00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:15,496 I just think it's a good way of keeping these characters alive. 14 00:02:17,462 --> 00:02:20,381 I just don't think they're ready to go yet. 15 00:02:22,384 --> 00:02:24,175 Oh. 16 00:02:25,220 --> 00:02:26,846 Okay. 17 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,718 No, no, no, I understand. Er... 18 00:02:29,892 --> 00:02:33,677 Why don't you talk to the others about it fir- 19 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:37,271 Ah. They're all there with you, are they? 20 00:02:37,441 --> 00:02:39,433 Right, then. Well, okay. 21 00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,318 I'll speak to you later. 22 00:02:41,486 --> 00:02:43,029 Yeah. Bye. 23 00:03:24,154 --> 00:03:26,360 I made a little brown fish. 24 00:03:26,531 --> 00:03:28,940 Aaaghh! 25 00:03:29,993 --> 00:03:31,072 Don't go! 26 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,742 Going somewhere local? 27 00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:50,169 - Jeremy! - Please, it wasn't me, it was the others! 28 00:04:04,319 --> 00:04:06,894 Agghh! Agghh! 29 00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:20,749 Tubbs! 30 00:04:20,919 --> 00:04:23,244 Tubbs! Help me! 31 00:04:23,422 --> 00:04:27,550 I'm trying to get rid of this fish! He doesn't want to go! 32 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,898 Edward, what are you doing? He's getting away! 33 00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:44,145 Come on! 34 00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:48,686 Tubbs, did he get the joke with the binoculars at least? 35 00:04:48,864 --> 00:04:50,904 No, didn't crack his face! 36 00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:52,700 After him! 37 00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:29,400 They're not real! 38 00:05:46,963 --> 00:05:50,001 But you're not real! 39 00:05:51,426 --> 00:05:53,751 We are now. 40 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:33,709 - So how old is Jacko now, Mr. Chinnery? - Well, nobody knows for sure, Dahlia. 41 00:06:33,885 --> 00:06:39,010 He was a gift from the Shah of Iran in '77 and he was no spring chicken then. 42 00:06:39,182 --> 00:06:43,513 It's essential we get a specimen of his seed before age precludes any issue. 43 00:06:43,687 --> 00:06:46,771 Yes. So what exactly is the procedure? 44 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:47,826 Oh it's quite simple, really. 45 00:06:47,829 --> 00:06:50,986 A small electrical stimulus is applied to Jacko's rectum, 46 00:06:51,153 --> 00:06:54,486 producing spontaneous ejaculation. 47 00:06:54,656 --> 00:06:57,325 - Which I catch in this. - Yes. 48 00:06:57,492 --> 00:07:00,446 Just, er... plug this in for me, would you, Dahlia? 49 00:07:29,191 --> 00:07:30,816 Right. 50 00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:33,936 Chocks away. 51 00:07:39,743 --> 00:07:42,151 Nothing? 52 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,737 - Just a little dribble. - Oh. All right. 53 00:07:44,915 --> 00:07:46,907 We'll have another go. 54 00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:51,248 I'll increase the voltage a wee bit. Get in close to his, er...er... 55 00:07:51,421 --> 00:07:53,545 Get...Get in close. 56 00:08:05,712 --> 00:08:06,820 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 57 00:08:32,295 --> 00:08:34,087 - Hiya, Mickey, love. - Hiya. 58 00:08:34,256 --> 00:08:36,960 'Ey, at least it's good weather for your kite. 59 00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,293 It's not a kite. 60 00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:46,551 Well, I've g***t to go. I've g***t to see a lady. 61 00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:48,933 See ya! 62 00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:53,101 Come down! Come down! 63 00:08:56,570 --> 00:09:00,983 - This is stupid. Why don't we go home? - No way, we're gonna win this badge. 64 00:09:01,157 --> 00:09:04,409 It wouldn't be so bad if we could get the fire going. 65 00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:09,489 Keep blowing, boys! All it takes is one big poof. 66 00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:13,918 - Thanks very much, Mr...? - Lipp. Herr Lipp. 67 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:19,295 I was out taking my regular constipational. I g***t caught in this terrible downpour. 68 00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:24,094 - I think I've g***t wood, if that's any help. - Erm... no, we'll be all right. 69 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:27,432 Bitte ? I cannot make out with you. 70 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:32,678 Please, pull back your purple skins so I can see your heads. 71 00:09:38,862 --> 00:09:40,404 Alles klar. 72 00:09:40,572 --> 00:09:44,570 Now, why not let a practised hand loose on your little twigs, huh? 73 00:09:44,743 --> 00:09:48,444 I know how to rub them just right to make them spit fire. 74 00:09:50,332 --> 00:09:54,247 Wait! I was going to ask about bob a job! 75 00:09:57,380 --> 00:10:01,592 I've never known weather like it. It's raining cats and dogs on the moors. 76 00:10:01,718 --> 00:10:05,336 I've not seen such a heavy flow since my last period. 77 00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:29,110 Help! Help! 78 00:10:29,287 --> 00:10:31,493 This man needs help! 79 00:10:35,627 --> 00:10:37,122 Have you fell? 80 00:10:37,295 --> 00:10:41,791 Er, please, you must get out of the car and come to my aid. 81 00:10:41,966 --> 00:10:44,042 You're joking, aren't you? It's pissing down! 82 00:10:45,095 --> 00:10:49,508 Tell him you've been struck by a vehicle and you've g***t internal bleeding. 83 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:54,060 - I have been struck by a vehicle... - I heard what he said. Who is he? 84 00:10:54,229 --> 00:10:56,850 You help him if you're that bothered. 85 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,646 No, I-I can't, you see, because me back's bad and- 86 00:11:02,821 --> 00:11:05,609 Oh, sod it. Get in the car! Get in! 87 00:11:09,911 --> 00:11:12,948 - Oh, brilliant! Soaking wet. - Just drive! 88 00:11:30,265 --> 00:11:32,257 Go on. 89 00:11:32,434 --> 00:11:35,553 Well, er... Well, there's this lad. 90 00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:38,599 He's not really a lad, really. He's, erm... 91 00:11:38,773 --> 00:11:41,229 He's one of the teachers. 92 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:44,521 And he's really fit. Takes me for science. 93 00:11:47,282 --> 00:11:52,027 And have you been thinking about this fella when you're alone? 94 00:11:54,956 --> 00:11:57,032 Yes, Reverend. 95 00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:01,252 And are any of your thoughts 96 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,339 of a carnal nature? 97 00:12:06,009 --> 00:12:08,299 You mean rude? 98 00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:10,177 Yes, my child. 99 00:12:10,346 --> 00:12:12,672 Yeah. They are. 100 00:12:13,725 --> 00:12:18,518 And sometimes do you touch yourself in a way that... 101 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,310 seems forbidden? 102 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:30,105 I'll take that as a yes. 103 00:12:31,409 --> 00:12:33,699 Now, love, 104 00:12:33,870 --> 00:12:39,707 you might ask what harm can come from a young maiden such as yourself 105 00:12:39,876 --> 00:12:44,669 being drawn toward this... attractive chevalier, 106 00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:51,294 to find yourself opening like a beautiful flower in the warmth of the morning sun, 107 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:56,382 enjoying the simple blossoming of womanhood. 108 00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:58,304 Bullshit! 109 00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:02,310 You come in here, getting your fishy fingers all over my communion wafers, 110 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:06,646 slinging your jelly every hour God sends! Go on, get stuffed! 111 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:15,236 You should be disgusted with yourself! Go and play stinky pinky somewhere else! 112 00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:24,791 Doesn't really matter any more. 113 00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:26,920 Reverend? 114 00:13:27,090 --> 00:13:29,332 What the 'ell's going on? 115 00:13:56,327 --> 00:13:59,246 What's this, The Name of the Rose ? 116 00:14:13,845 --> 00:14:18,720 Ah, you've had vandals, have you? I had a c***k sprayed on my door last week. 117 00:14:27,525 --> 00:14:31,357 Hang on a minute. This just happened. 118 00:14:31,529 --> 00:14:35,694 You see? It has begun at last. 119 00:14:35,867 --> 00:14:37,444 What's begun? 120 00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:42,119 Oh, there you are. Sorry I'm late. 121 00:14:42,290 --> 00:14:45,327 You wouldn't believe what's happened at the zoo. 122 00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,542 Wouldn't I? 123 00:15:04,395 --> 00:15:07,764 - I've just realised who you are. - Have you? 124 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:11,227 It's you, innit? Demon butcherer. Hilary Briss. 125 00:15:11,402 --> 00:15:14,072 Alles klar! The one with the funny meats. 126 00:15:14,238 --> 00:15:18,652 You used to put things in your sausages. Killed all them people. 127 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:25,786 - 'Ey, I used to eat your pork pies. - They weren't pork. 128 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:30,205 I know, I know. It's all bumholes and eyelids, innit? Still nice, though. 129 00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:33,797 Look out! 130 00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:43,800 These frescoes speak of a time 131 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,978 when the mantle of darkness shall be riven by fire, 132 00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:50,266 the turbulent seas shall swallow up the earth 133 00:15:50,441 --> 00:15:55,068 and a giraffe will spunk up over a load of old biddies. 134 00:15:55,238 --> 00:15:59,698 In short, they foretell the end of our world. 135 00:16:00,743 --> 00:16:04,611 - Our world? Don't you mean THE world? - I know what I mean. 136 00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:08,870 Please stop...