Alfred.Hitchcock.Presents.S04E03.The.Jokester.480p.DVD.DD.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]-eng Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:28,289 Good evening. 2 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:34,426 It grieves me to announce that it will be impossible for my cousin, Alvin Hitchcock, 3 00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:37,766 to entertain you with his singing. 4 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:42,435 He fell victim to a crowd of teenage souvenir hunters. 5 00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:46,207 After first helping themselves to bits of his clothing, 6 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,773 they began snipping off locks of his hair. 7 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,682 He held still for that. 8 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:54,687 After all, he certainly needed a haircut. 9 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,281 But when they had exhausted his hair, 10 00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,951 they refused to stop shipping. 11 00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:02,826 He was very popular. 12 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,887 This was all we found. 13 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:09,766 Tonight's program was to have included many of his greatest hits. 14 00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:13,238 I Dig You, Darling, ‘Cause You're Sick, Sick, Sick. 15 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:18,178 The FBI Is Breaking Up That Old Gang Of Mine. 16 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:23,616 Take Off Your Leather Jacket, Mother. You Shall Not Ride Tonight. 17 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:28,318 And Tchaikovsky's Rock And Roll Concerto. 18 00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:32,950 Substituting for his concert is a play, "The Jokester." 19 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:36,519 However, as a tribute to Alvin, 20 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:41,296 let us first observe one minute of noise. 21 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:38,892 (HEAVY THUD) 22 00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:44,061 DAVE: Oh, come on, Andrews, let it alone. 23 00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:46,327 Bet I woke every stiff up down there. 24 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,890 You're high, Andrews, what are your bets? 25 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,868 Let's see, that'll be what, a couple? 26 00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:51,461 I'm out. 27 00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:52,664 I'll see you, Andrews. 28 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,798 Well, that puts me out. 29 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,343 Joker gave me a straight. 30 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,844 You bum. 31 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,676 You're pretty lucky. Let's see how lucky you are with your fists. Come on. 32 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,613 Watch it, Andrews, you might get hit in the wrong place. 33 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,845 Oh, what do you mean? I'm not kidding, I've g***t a bum neck. 34 00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,387 Come on, what are you talking about? MORGAN: You're the picture of health. 35 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,047 No, I've g***t a very sensitive vertebrae right here. 36 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,147 I hurt it playing football in high school. 37 00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:12,953 ANDREWS: Oh, come on, that was years ago. 38 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,290 MORGAN: Yeah. You're breaking my heart. 39 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:19,094 I spent two weeks in a bed paralyzed because of it. 40 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,260 Well, it sure doesn't stop you from winning at poker. 41 00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:23,769 Now, that's the second time you've drawn the joker. 42 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,362 Well, that's the perfect card for me. 43 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,409 We're back to back, same breed, joker and me. 44 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,069 Bradley, the practical joker of newspaper row. 45 00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,202 At other people's expense. 46 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,008 Oh, no, you're unfair to me. You all are. 47 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,448 You can't deny that you live only for a laugh. 48 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:37,915 Well, we're laughing. 49 00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:39,247 Well, why not? 50 00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:42,220 Life is one big joke from the day you're born. 51 00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,485 Fate gives you the unexpected hotfoot, 52 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,027 puts a sneezing powder in your bouquet of roses 53 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,062 and I just go along with it. 54 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,359 MORGAN: You're high, Dave. Check. 55 00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,990 Check. My cards. 56 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,397 Oh, hiya, Pop. How you feeling? 57 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,936 Fine. What's happening downstairs, Pop? 58 00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,437 I wondered about my story, Dave. 59 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:01,566 Oh, it's gonna be in the paper tomorrow. Two column spread, Pop. 60 00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,439 That's real nice, son. 61 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,672 I ain't never had any of you newspaper people 62 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,271 to hardly ask me a question, 63 00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:09,441 much less write about my... You g***t a pair, Dave. 64 00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,746 Yeah, what'll you do? Oh, well, let's see, 65 00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,912 that's worth two bucks. Let's make it five. 66 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,250 I'm out. 67 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:19,056 Say, Pop, maybe Dave's story will help you keep your job. 68 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,616 Huh? I didn't catch that. 69 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,629 ALL: Maybe Dave's story will help you keep your job! 70 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,756 Oh, sure hope so. 71 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,961 Some people say that they should have retired me five years ago. 72 00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:32,528 But I need this job. My wife, she's so sick. 73 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,974 Four, five, I've lost count, operations, 74 00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:39,012 and my retirement pay is so little, I... 75 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,014 Well, thanks again, Dave. Okay, Pop. 76 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,380 Table's bet. Well, let's see. 77 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:47,785 Well, you must be thick to waste your columns on Pop Henderson. 78 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,152 What do you mean? It made an interesting story. 79 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:55,787 Hearts and flowers? Pop Henderson partially blind, partially deaf, totally dumb? 80 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,864 Or Pop Henderson who has cataloged the dead for so long 81 00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,958 he feels closer to them than he does the living? 82 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,298 Is that the way you wrote it? 83 00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:04,769 Okay, okay, I've had enough. 84 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,567 Oh, come on, Dave. No, so long, fellas. 85 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,734 All right. So long, Dave. DAVE: So long. 86 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,573 Well, that kind of broke up the poker game. 87 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,612 Yeah, I guess that's it. 88 00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:21,813 Gentlemen, let's pay a visit downstairs to the morgue. 89 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,287 Huh? Pop Henderson, 90 00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:26,326 a man that gives me inspiration. 91 00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:27,690 Yeah, okay. 92 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,458 Okay, it's cooler down there, anyway. 93 00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:32,621 Come on. 94 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,629 (SNORING) 95 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,690 (POP COUGHING) 96 00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,388 Oh, hi, fellas. 97 00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:03,827 Hi, Pop. 98 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,797 Taking a snooze, Pop? 99 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:09,097 Yeah, I get kind of drowsy about this time of night. 100 00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,797 We've come to ask you a favor. POP: Oh? 101 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,567 We want to look at number six. 102 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,668 Oh, that's the strangulation case that come in today, ain't it? 103 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:19,872 Yeah, that's the one. We just g***t a tip. 104 00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,880 Might be a real scoop, Pop. Yeah, headline stuff. 105 00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,882 It's that missing New York banker. 106 00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:25,440 You don't say. Him? 107 00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,486 ANDREWS: Mmm-hmm. What about it, Pop, can we see him? 108 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,215 Sure, come on. 109 00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:37,963 Let's see, number seven. 110 00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,226 How about number six? 111 00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,360 Oh, of course, number six. 112 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:45,132 Yeah, here it is. 113 00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,572 Good old number six. 114 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,166 Come on out. 115 00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:53,876 There you are. 116 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,678 Oh, you've g***t your refrigeration working overtime, Pop. 117 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,720 No, it's always that cold, below freezing. 118 00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:02,517 It looks like the banker. How about it, gentlemen? 119 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,614 Yes, yes, it certainly resembles him. 120 00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,625 Yeah, that chin. One in a million. 121 00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:10,027 Oh, yeah, right. It fits the description, all right. 122 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,531 Morgan, why don't you go along with Pop 123 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,328 and get the folder on this gentleman? 124 00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,800 Sure. Pop? 125 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,963 All right, Mr. Bradley. 126 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,975 Now, let's see, number seven. 127 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,482 No, no, number six, Pop. 128 00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:32,280 Oh, of course, I know. 129 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,753 There it is. There you are. 130 00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:38,519 Now, wait a minute. Let's make sure we're...