Watch Wirey Spindell (1999) - Free Movies - Tubi Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:15,815 (upbeat music) 2 00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:22,288 ♪ Something's always better than nothing ♪ 3 00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:26,059 ♪ See your castles washing away ♪ 4 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,132 ♪ He can walk for miles without water ♪ 5 00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:37,103 ♪ She can talk with nothing to say ♪ 6 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:40,640 ♪ Does it really make you happy ♪ 7 00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:46,780 ♪ Does it really make you care 8 00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:52,318 ♪ If I had a pencil, I would draw a piece of paper ♪ 9 00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:57,190 ♪ If I had a home, I would move ♪ 10 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,892 ♪ If I had the answer 11 00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:03,830 ♪ I would wonder what the hell I should do ♪ 12 00:01:03,863 --> 00:01:07,801 ♪ But something's always better than nothing ♪ 13 00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:10,136 - [Wirey] I was born Wirey Spokes Spindell, 14 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:12,338 to hippie parents in the winter of 1962 15 00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:13,406 in New York hospital, 16 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,575 and I'm getting married in nine days. 17 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,912 As a result, I've been doing quite a lot of thinking, 18 00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:20,880 which people tell me is normal. 19 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,115 I don't know, 20 00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:24,651 just a lot of soul searching and introspection, 21 00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:26,820 big life questions. 22 00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,254 You think at any point after those people 23 00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:29,489 were massacred a few years ago, 24 00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:30,723 you guys ever thought of subtracting them 25 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,559 from the number of people served sign? 26 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,862 Like 99 billion minus 42 served? 27 00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:39,365 ♪ If I had a pencil, I would draw a piece of paper ♪ 28 00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:43,703 ♪ If I had a home, I would move ♪ 29 00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:44,671 No? 30 00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:46,272 ♪ If I had the answer 31 00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:51,244 ♪ I would wonder what the hell I should do ♪ 32 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,178 - Hello! 33 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,181 - Look at you! 34 00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:56,783 You glowing bride, you! 35 00:01:56,816 --> 00:01:58,618 - Well, actually this is an additional glow. 36 00:01:58,651 --> 00:01:59,719 This would be the, 37 00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:02,422 I just g***t promoted to senior account manager glow! 38 00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:03,490 - Get the f***k outta here! 39 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:04,390 When did this happen? 40 00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:05,391 - About five minutes ago. 41 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:06,493 - If the perfect life couldn't get any better. 42 00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:08,761 - Yeah, well come on, we're going to be very late. 43 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,297 (horns honking) 44 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,402 - Are you going to be able to fit into that? 45 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,306 - Okay, you may have been Cosmo brainwashed 46 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,841 into succumbing to some f***d up 47 00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,644 surreal barometer of what a woman's self esteem is, 48 00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:26,646 but I have not, and more importantly, 49 00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:28,214 of course, I'm going to fit into that wedding dress 50 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:29,916 because IV saline solution's the only thing 51 00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:32,418 I've allowed my body for seven weeks. 52 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:35,255 I won't even let Wirey cum in me 'til after the wedding. 53 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,593 ♪ If I had the answer 54 00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:41,794 ♪ I would wonder what 55 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,630 - [Wirey] I really only have one main problem 56 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:44,764 and although it's been joked about 57 00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:46,699 glibly and superficially throughout time, 58 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,668 diminishing and minimizing its very real 59 00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:50,236 and significant effect on relationships 60 00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:52,572 of all kinds throughout the universe, 61 00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:53,806 it remains a problem I ** committed 62 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,542 to solving and destroying, 63 00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:57,877 because I refuse to let it f***k up my life anymore 64 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,280 and that problem is very simply that I'm a man. 65 00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:01,781 I ** stink-man! 66 00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:05,752 As a man, I'm at constant war with myself. 67 00:03:05,785 --> 00:03:08,521 One side says, look, you're 36 years old. 68 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,623 You've been around the block, experienced life. 69 00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,892 How lucky are you that now, 70 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,894 at the perfect time to settle down, 71 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,363 God has graced you with the most beautiful, 72 00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:19,966 funny, smart, warm, compassionate, 73 00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:22,936 loving woman you could ever wish for? 74 00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:24,437 Thank you, God. 75 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:25,538 Thank you, God. 76 00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:27,307 Thank you. 77 00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:29,809 Now the other side says, 78 00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,844 you see that s***y redhead 79 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,580 at that table across the restaurant? 80 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:34,981 Why don't you get the waiter to slip her a note, 81 00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:37,417 telling her to meet you in the bathroom in five minutes. 82 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,719 You get up, your heart racing. 83 00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:40,353 You glance over to her. 84 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:41,321 She reads the note. 85 00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:42,622 Will she tell the guy she's with 86 00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:43,223 and he'll come over and beat the s***t out of you? 87 00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:43,856 Will she show up? 88 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:46,025 And what'll happen? 89 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,460 You go into the bathroom and shut the door, 90 00:03:47,493 --> 00:03:48,328 but you don't lock it. 91 00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,462 Anyone could come in. 92 00:03:49,495 --> 00:03:50,697 Some fat, drunk businessman, a bus boy. 93 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,900 Then this might very possibly even be illegal. 94 00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,368 The door knob turns. 95 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:56,869 It's her. 96 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,071 She slides in and you lock the door behind her. 97 00:03:58,104 --> 00:03:59,205 You hoist her up on the sink. 98 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,406 She has one stiletto on the toilet basin 99 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,376 and the other one on your chest for leverage. 100 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:04,911 You slide her silk panties to the side 101 00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:06,412 and f***k the s***t out of her. 102 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,848 Now, granted, 103 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:11,317 maybe nothing even remotely like that has ever happened, 104 00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:12,719 but you know what? 105 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,354 It might. 106 00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:15,521 Okay. 107 00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:16,856 It might. 108 00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:21,094 - Hi, honey. 109 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,629 How's it going? 110 00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:23,696 Do you want some tea? 111 00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,502 - I'm in here now. 112 00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:31,037 - I realize that, sweetheart, 113 00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:32,772 and I was wondering if while you were in here, 114 00:04:32,805 --> 00:04:34,007 you might like a cup of tea. 115 00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:37,977 - I understand. 116 00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,714 It's just that it's really hard 117 00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:44,684 to have any alone, private time in here 118 00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:47,654 when you keep coming in to where 119 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:49,389 I have my alone private time. 120 00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:51,991 - Look, it's no big deal. 121 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,393 I was just making myself some tea 122 00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:54,961 and I thought maybe you'd like some. 123 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:08,508 - I really appreciate how thoughtful you are 124 00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:09,742 and how considerate you are, 125 00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:11,844 and how you think of making me a cup of tea 126 00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:12,812 when you're making a cup of tea. 127 00:05:12,845 --> 00:05:19,519 It's super sweet, but I do have a beverage 128 00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:22,522 and it's just, 129 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:28,361 it's really hard to have any kind of just, 130 00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:33,132 alone, private time, 131 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,770 when you keep coming in here, 132 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,440 to where I, 133 00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,811 where I have my alone, private time. 134 00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:52,552 - Can I ask you a question? 135 00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:54,754 - Prefer if you didn't. 136 00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,589 - Actually it's two questions. 137 00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:57,557 - Would it be okay if you asked me 138 00:05:57,590 --> 00:05:58,991 neither of them right now? 139 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:01,060 - First, and I'm just curious, 140 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:04,564 why do you have your alone private time in the bathroom, 141...