The.Onion.Movie.2008.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-eng Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,939 You can always count on "The Onion" to get the story. 2 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,041 It's America's Finest News Source. 3 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:48,782 And now, "The Onion News: America's Finest News Source," 4 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,951 featuring Dana Dobbs, 5 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,587 Senior Correspondent, Kip Kendall, 6 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,823 and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. 7 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,793 We begin today with news from Detroit. 8 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:03,264 Where auto making giant, American Automotive announced a safety recall 9 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:07,067 of all 2,004 cars containing neck belts. 10 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,203 The neck belts introduced last month 11 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,205 in an attempt to reduce head injuries, 12 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,441 have been found to cause crushed tracheas, 13 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,377 severe spinal damage, and violent decapitation. 14 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:21,048 Daddy, come! Hi, dad! 15 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:29,823 Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits. 16 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,393 You sign up, right now. 17 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,263 You get one pair of Ozzfest tickets 18 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,098 and a set of mud flaps for your truck. 19 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,501 Then, after six months of active duty, 20 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:45,173 you are eligible to receive an ounce of weed. 21 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:47,508 Sweet! 22 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:51,812 And in six more months, a bunch more weed. 23 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,582 You're f***g lying, I get some more... 24 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,818 And if you serve a tour duty during a foreign conflict, 25 00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:01,922 you will receive upon your discharge this: 26 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,624 A hot bitch poster. 27 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,959 Sign me up! 28 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,599 The internet went down for three hours this morning, 29 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,935 plunging the nation into productivity. 30 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:19,340 The outage which caused major work startages from New York to California, 31 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:23,877 prevented an estimated 120 million American employees 32 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,381 from messing around on the Web at work. 33 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,817 More "Onion" news after this. 34 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:33,887 In a world without justice, 35 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,524 where the strong prey on the weak, 36 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,469 one man must face the ultimate challenge. 37 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,138 Master, how did they defeat me? 38 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,377 They used an ancient technique that strikes at the very core of a warriors' strength. 39 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,316 This attack, there is no defense. 40 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,485 Master, will you teach me? 41 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,321 You are not yet ready, my son. 42 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:11,359 I'm ready, Master. 43 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,527 No, you are not. You have much to learn. 44 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:21,535 You, my young pupil, shall become a cockpuncher. 45 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,371 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, 46 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:27,107 Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher". 47 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,679 No! 48 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,556 "Cockpuncher." 49 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,124 I don't think you have the balls. 50 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:47,928 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, 51 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,063 That looks awesome! 52 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,799 Sure it does, kids. 53 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,967 A real whack in the nutsack. 54 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,135 Honey? 55 00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,528 Have you seen my good, black socks? 56 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,073 Mommy, look! 57 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,376 Honey? 58 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,144 If you've seen news happening, 59 00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:06,947 call "The Onion News" Hotline. 60 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,148 Honey? 61 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:12,986 I cannot find my good, black socks! 62 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,155 Hello? "Onion News?" 63 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,975 We are here live, with a breaking news story. 64 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:39,146 Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks. 65 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,850 Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us exactly what happened this morning? 66 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:46,920 Sure I g***t up this normal morning. 67 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,356 Kids are downstairs. 68 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,592 And my wife's cooking breakfast. 69 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:56,797 And all of sudden, you know, I notice that my good, black socks are missing. 70 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,667 Here's your boy, ma'**. Safe and sound. 71 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,102 Oh, thanks, thanks. 72 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,972 Sweetie, look! 73 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,273 "The Onion" news van! 74 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,174 Yeah... 75 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,012 In other news, a local eight-year-old 76 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,683 accidentally exercised his second amendment rights yesterday, 77 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:19,720 when he blew off his head with his father's semi-automatic rifle. 78 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,156 The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists 79 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:26,994 as a victory for America and the Constitution. 80 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,165 Nobody move! 81 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,802 Unless you want your head blown off. 82 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,169 You! 83 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,171 Please, please don't shoot me. 84 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,605 I'll give you however much you want. 85 00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:42,376 You think I want money? 86 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,878 You think that's what this is about? 87 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,848 A big gang black man comes walking in, waving a gun, 88 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,083 and you assume he's robbing the place? 89 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,985 I ain't looking for no goddamned handout. 90 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,221 I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch. 91 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:55,088 Excuse me? 92 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,223 You heard me. 93 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,225 A mothafucking job! 94 00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,893 Don't you see? 95 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,208 You give me money, that'll just help me in the short-term. 96 00:06:02,233 --> 00:06:03,597 But a job! 97 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:07,501 That'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience. 98 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,537 It's like teaching a man how to fish. 99 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,673 So quick stalling, get your bitch a***s back there, 100 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,043 and give me a 40 hour a week position, 101 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:20,380 with vacation pay and benefits, you piece of s***t, mothafucker, 102 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,082 and don't make me ask twice. 103 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,784 Back that a***s up. 104 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,052 Lets go, lets go! 105 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,965 Can I help the next mothafucking person in line? 106 00:06:26,990 --> 00:06:28,522 You in that apricot sweater suit. 107 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,591 Get your bitch a***s on over here, now! 108 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,259 How can I help you today? 109 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,863 I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account 110 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,936 - and then I need to withdraw... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 111 00:06:37,961 --> 00:06:40,868 Just-just-just shut the f***k up for a minute. 112 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,570 The f***k you doing, Liz Anne? 113 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,471 You calling the cops? 114 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,104 No. 115 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,973 That's a goddamned cop? 116 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,966 No, I swear. I was just on with an account holder, 117 00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,076 I was advising him about... 118 00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,377 I'm gonna kill you, bitch. 119 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,781 Who the f***k is this, you a cop? 120 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,760 Yeah, what I would recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking, 121 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,419 just to avoid a minimum balance fee, 122 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,888 and put the rest in a money market, 123 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,081 which will earn you an additional two percent interest. 124 00:07:03,106 --> 00:07:05,277 Three percent, if you keep your account open for 3,000. 125 00:07:05,310 --> 00:07:06,159 Right. 126 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,227 You have a nice day, sir. 127 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,328 My pleasure. 128 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,841 And feel free to call us back anytime, 129 00:07:09,866 --> 00:07:13,936 if you have any other questions. 130 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,239 Liz Anne. 131 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,474 Sorry. 132 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:22,342 My bad. 133 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,010 That's okay. 134 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,945 A honest mistake. 135 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,515 Armed Gunman. 136 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:32,252 I've been...