Everybody.Hates.Chris.S02E20.WEBRip.x265-ION265.en Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,037 Everybody Hates Chris #042 "Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes" CLOSED CAPTIONED 2 00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,505 CHRIS ROCK: Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. 3 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,174 I loved cartoons. 4 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,475 (meowing) 5 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,411 I loved sitcoms. 6 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,480 Sunday's supposed to be my day of rest, you know. 7 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:16,417 But most of all, I loved stand-up comedians. 8 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,752 Michael Jackson kept his sunglasses on. 9 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,122 He had to-- Cyndi Lauper kept shining in his eyes. 10 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,124 (laughing) 11 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,692 All right, y'all, time to go to bed. 12 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,130 Ma, can I stay up and watch 'til the end? 13 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,364 It's almost over. 14 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,532 All right. 15 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,833 Drew and Tonya, go. 16 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,169 Good night. 17 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,106 And Prince didn't show up. 18 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,340 He doesn't like to go anywhere 19 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,674 where the cast outnumbers his bodyguard. 20 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:44,445 What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians, too. 21 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,815 REDD FOXX (on record player): You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair. 22 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,187 * Express yourself 23 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,356 (laughter) 24 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,359 (laughter) 25 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,461 FOXX: So one night, the time was right, 26 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,097 he asked her, he said, "Honey, would you marry me?" 27 00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,565 She said "wooden eye?" 28 00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,334 I can't say what he just, 29 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,870 but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard. 30 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,140 "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?" 31 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,474 And it wasn't the last. 32 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,476 She said "Christmas..." 33 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,745 A lot of kids would get in trouble sneaking out of bed 34 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,480 trying to listen to dirty jokes. 35 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,349 I ended up getting a career. 36 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:25,353 Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION 37 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,550 CHRIS ROCK: I risked a beating 38 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,686 trying to hear one side of that Redd Foxx album. 39 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,555 Now I was risking my life trying to hear the other side. 40 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,499 Now, I know it was wrong to sneak behind my parents back 41 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:12,566 and listen to dirty records, 42 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,535 but if listening to dirty records was wrong, 43 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:15,703 I don't wanna do right. 44 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,805 REDD FOXX: When I was a kid, during the depression... 45 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,274 I mean we were poor. 46 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:23,177 When Christmas time came, if I hadn't been a boy 47 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,446 I wouldn't have had nothing to play with. 48 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,516 I found out one thing in life, 49 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,851 if you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke. 50 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,586 Now, if you want them to really laugh, 51 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:33,921 tell 'em a dirty joke. 52 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,624 Okay, and there was one black sheep, 53 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,691 and the chief said, 54 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,628 "Okay, you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you." 55 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,630 (laughs) 56 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:46,434 All right, stop it, man, come on, I can't take another one. 57 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,302 No, no, no, no, wait, I've g***t one more. 58 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,503 Hold on. No, no. 59 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,671 I can't take it. 60 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:51,439 Who is that? 61 00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,907 Redd Foxx. From Sanford and Son? 62 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,309 He's a comedian? 63 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,477 Yeah, you big dummy! 64 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,445 Yeah, I didn't know it either. 65 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,679 My parents have like a bunch of his albums. 66 00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,348 And they let you listen to that? 67 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:01,549 Not really. 68 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,650 Still won't! 69 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,551 JOEY: Hey, Buckwheat. 70 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,986 Alfalfa. What's so funny? 71 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,821 Uh, I was just telling a stupid joke. 72 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,922 Tell me. 73 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,991 Nah, you wouldn't really like it. 74 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,527 Yeah, you won't like me smashing your face in a locker. 75 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:14,695 Now, tell me the joke. 76 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,530 It's funny. Tell him. 77 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,532 Okay. 78 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,601 There's a missionary who went to an African village... 79 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,870 If you can make your worst enemy laugh with a joke, 80 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,472 that's a funny joke. 81 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:25,939 ...and there was one black sheep. 82 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,341 And the chief said, 83 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,609 "Okay, you don't tell on me, 84 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,611 I won't tell on you." 85 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,480 (laughing): That's real funny, Flip. 86 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,581 Hey, guys, 87 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,948 For the first time, come here. 88 00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,784 I realized a good joke can stop 89 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,286 a beat down. 90 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:39,720 Too bad Reginald Denny didn't know any jokes. 91 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,289 All right, so there's a missionary 92 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:42,623 who lived in an African village... 93 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,625 (Maxine humming) 94 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,594 Momma, what you doing in here? 95 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,662 I thought you might need a hand with dinner. 96 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,631 Since my grandfather passed away 97 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,567 my grandmother had a lot of free time on her hands, 98 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,469 and she was giving it to my mother. 99 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,537 (clears throat) 100 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,672 Baby, that's not the way to do that. 101 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,641 But I do it this way all the time. 102 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,643 Yeah, but the way you do it is wrong. 103 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,545 Go ahead sit down, I'll do it. 104 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,380 Go ahead, I'll do it. 105 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,915 The only thing my mother hated worse 106 00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,951 than no help was help from my grandmother. 107 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,754 Okay. 108 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,956 Dinner is served. 109 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,693 Ooh, um... 110 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,462 I can't eat this. 111 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:22,730 My gout will flair up. 112 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,598 Oh, don't worry. 113 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,700 That's oven-fried chicken. 114 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,636 I used skim milk in your macaroni, 115 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,604 that's a baked potato and salad. 116 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,406 So, you go ahead, eat up, you'll be just fine. 117 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,343 Wow, Momma never did all that stuff. 118 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:35,909 Shh! 119 00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,712 Where's Momma anyway? 120 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:40,814 Hey, baby, 121 00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,016 you wanna sit down and have something to eat? 122 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,017 Mm, I'm fine. 123 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,819 Grandma made oven-fried chicken. 124 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,020 Oh, really? 125 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,756 That's nice. 126 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,724 Well, I'm gonna finish the laundry. 127 00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:51,692 It's finished. 128 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:52,760 Then I'll go straighten up 129 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:53,461 the kids' room. 130 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,094 Oh, they're straightened. 131 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,529 Uh-oh. 132 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,398 Then I guess I'll go do my toes. 133 00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:59,032 They're done. 134 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,803 ROCHELLE: When did you do my toes? 135 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,438 MAXINE: While you were asleep. 136 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,006 I didn't want to wake you. 137 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,641 That look means, 138 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,477 "If you do something else, you're finished." 139 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,580 Here comes your girlfriend, Drew. 140 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:14,815 Girlfriend? 141 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:15,949 I don't like her. 142 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,217 Well, she likes you. 143 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:20,454 And she's going around telling everybody that you kissed her. 144 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,889 Wait, Tonya... 145 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,724 Just about every girl in the neighborhood liked Drew, 146 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:27,761 and Chantal was just about the only girl Drew didn't like. 147 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:28,996 Hey, Drew. 148 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:29,863 What you doing? Uh, nothing. 149 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,932 I was just about to go back in the house. 150 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,034 Oh... you coming back out? 151 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,003 Ah, I don't think so. 152 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,005 Oh, you gonna be out tomorrow after school? 153 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,107 I don't know. I may have to...