Clarksons.Farm.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10 Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:05,880 [engine revving] 2 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:07,920 Sideways in linen. 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,000 [tires screech] 4 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:12,960 [Jeremy] For many years, this has been my day job. 5 00:00:15,359 --> 00:00:16,959 -[tires screech] -[gun fires] 6 00:00:17,039 --> 00:00:18,959 Going in hard and hot! 7 00:00:19,039 --> 00:00:21,519 [Jeremy] But when the important work was over... 8 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:22,440 [tires screeching] 9 00:00:22,679 --> 00:00:24,719 I've lost one of my nose tampons! 10 00:00:25,679 --> 00:00:27,959 [Jeremy] ...I came home to this. 11 00:00:32,679 --> 00:00:35,519 It's my farm in the Cotswolds. 12 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:40,760 Nestling among the ancient stone villages, 13 00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:46,879 it's a peaceful, 1,000-acre haven of wide open fields, 14 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,200 brooks, 15 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,400 waterfalls, 16 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:55,039 woods, 17 00:00:55,119 --> 00:00:57,239 and wild flower meadows. 18 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,680 It stretches from those trees over there on the far horizon, 19 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,040 then it goes behind that big wood, 20 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,760 down into the valley and then up past here 21 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,880 to a point a couple of miles over there. 22 00:01:14,799 --> 00:01:18,039 And ever since I bought it back in 2008, 23 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,280 it's been run by a chap from the village. 24 00:01:20,359 --> 00:01:23,679 However, he told me a couple of months ago that he is retiring, 25 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,640 so I've come up with a plan. 26 00:01:27,719 --> 00:01:29,839 I shall farm it myself. 27 00:01:30,359 --> 00:01:33,439 ["Every Picture Tells a Story" by Rod Stewart playing] 28 00:01:35,079 --> 00:01:36,799 [bee buzzing] 29 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,120 [opening theme song playing] 30 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,440 I've never done this. 31 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,000 Ooh! Farming happening. 32 00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:47,839 That's as straight as a roundabout! 33 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,560 Oh, that sign of me going up there is not happening. 34 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,440 We're gonna have a sign saying, "Guess who drilled this? 35 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,520 Jeremy, Kaleb?" 36 00:01:55,599 --> 00:01:57,119 [automated voice] Take off! 37 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,800 [Jeremy] Right. 38 00:01:58,879 --> 00:02:01,079 Let's go round up some sheep. 39 00:02:01,159 --> 00:02:02,879 [woman] Jeremy, you're going too fast. 40 00:02:02,959 --> 00:02:04,519 [Jeremy] Oh, s***t. Please stop. 41 00:02:07,359 --> 00:02:09,439 Come on, don't rain. Don't rain. 42 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,120 This is global warming. 43 00:02:13,159 --> 00:02:16,159 And you racing about all your life in vehicles. 44 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,160 Just unbelievable horseshit. 45 00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:20,719 [man] See them? They're goldfinches. 46 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,720 Really? It actually makes me really happy. 47 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,520 Behold! I ** Moses. 48 00:02:27,599 --> 00:02:30,239 [gasps] And what the f***k are you doing up here? 49 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,840 Who's Moses? 50 00:02:39,439 --> 00:02:40,599 It's a baby. 51 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:44,719 Ooh. Jeez. 52 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,240 Have you looked after sheep before? 53 00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:48,959 -[sheep bleating] -[Jeremy] I think I've g***t in its anus. 54 00:02:50,159 --> 00:02:50,999 No. 55 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,840 [engine revving] 56 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:55,799 [Jeremy] Oh, yes! 57 00:02:56,319 --> 00:02:58,039 This is my wilding project. 58 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,160 -[man] Oh, my God! -[Jeremy] Oh, no, no, no. 59 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,520 This is not wilding. That's damage. 60 00:03:04,319 --> 00:03:06,559 It's like Fortnum & Masons. 61 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:07,479 It's what? 62 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,040 [engine whirring] 63 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,240 Oh, my God. What have I done? 64 00:03:12,599 --> 00:03:14,159 Whoa! 65 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,960 -[chuckles] -[Jeremy sighs] 66 00:03:16,079 --> 00:03:19,639 Stay in your vehicle please. Stay in your vehicle. 67 00:03:19,879 --> 00:03:23,599 I'm pushing 60. I've smoked three quarters of a million cigarettes. 68 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,040 I've had pneumonia. If I get it... 69 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,800 Yeah, there's not a lot of hope. 70 00:03:27,879 --> 00:03:29,479 [Jeremy whistling] 71 00:03:30,879 --> 00:03:32,839 [Jeremy] Oh, s***t. 72 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,240 S***t, s***t. 73 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,640 Wayne Rooney's dead. 74 00:03:40,439 --> 00:03:42,839 And this is the moment. 75 00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:54,879 You missed a bit. 76 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,560 -Where? -In the mirror. 77 00:03:57,639 --> 00:03:58,919 -No, I didn't. -You did. 78 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,400 -I didn't. -You did. 79 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,320 [Jeremy] All that is to come, but right now, 80 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,680 it's time to start my first job. 81 00:04:12,759 --> 00:04:15,439 The biggest, most important job of them all. 82 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:20,080 Planting wheat and barley in all the big fields like this one. 83 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,880 And how do you do that? 84 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:29,160 No idea. Literally, honestly, I have absolutely no clue. 85 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:33,680 All I do know is it's going to involve some tractoring. 86 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,240 [theme music playing] 87 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:58,600 [Jeremy] Obviously, to do tractoring I need a tractor. 88 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:02,320 So, on day one, I set off to my local dealership. 89 00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:07,599 Quite like this one. Look, the Super Major. 90 00:05:10,199 --> 00:05:11,359 There are worse names. 91 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:17,760 As I'm familiar with stuff that has four wheels and an engine, 92 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,880 I should have been at home here, but I wasn't. 93 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,520 So I sought advice from the dealership's owner, Patrick Edwards. 94 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,200 How much is this? 95 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,560 7,500. That is what we specialize in. 96 00:05:30,639 --> 00:05:32,239 -You've g***t an engine at the front. -[Jeremy] Yeah. 97 00:05:32,319 --> 00:05:37,719 You've g***t a gear box, and a back axle. No suspension. No fancy electronics. 98 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,640 There's nothing to go wrong that we can't mend. 99 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,440 -What horsepower has that g***t? -[Patrick] 45 horsepower. 100 00:05:43,519 --> 00:05:44,919 [Jeremy] It's a bit feeble. 101 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,040 Well, it fed the country. 102 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,600 I know but people didn't eat very much in those days. 103 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,320 -[Patrick laughs] -Um... 104 00:05:52,399 --> 00:05:55,519 What's the most power, what's that g***t horsepower-wise? 105 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,960 [Patrick] Well, that would be about 65 horsepower. 106 00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,960 And is that the most powerful one here? 107 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,320 Yes, yeah. 108 00:06:01,399 --> 00:06:02,559 -65 Horse-power? -Yes. 109 00:06:07,439 --> 00:06:11,879 [Jeremy] I then took one of his restored tractors for a test drive. 110 00:06:11,959 --> 00:06:13,799 Oh, it begins. 111 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:16,560 Let's open it up. 112 00:06:25,439 --> 00:06:26,559 Oh. 113 00:06:28,199 --> 00:06:31,399 [Jeremy] Having finished my test drive, I made a decision, 114 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:32,920 and bought this. 115 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,440 [engine whirring] 116 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,720 This is a Lamborghini R8. 117 00:06:45,199 --> 00:06:48,599 Oh, my God, this thing is enormous! 118 00:06:49,439 --> 00:06:52,479 Everything about it is just large. 119 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,560 Weighs ten tons. 120 00:06:55,639 --> 00:07:00,519 I have 40 forwards gears, and 40 reverse gears. 121 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,080 And I know that little Massey Ferguson was very sweet, but come on! 122 00:07:09,839 --> 00:07:12,279 Okay, and here we are at the farm. 123 00:07:14,319 --> 00:07:15,599 Ooh, hello. 124 00:07:17,319 --> 00:07:18,399 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 125 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:25,280 Oh, s***t. 126 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,240 Right. 127 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,280 [Jeremy] First up with an opinion was my girlfriend, Lisa. 128 00:07:37,519 --> 00:07:39,479 That is, that's too big. [laughs] 129 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,240 [Jeremy] It isn't. It isn't, the shed's too... 130 00:07:42,319 --> 00:07:43,999 Enormous. 131 00:07:44,079 --> 00:07:45,839 Little. 132 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,040 -[car honks] -Ah! 133 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,000 Here's someone who does know about farming. 134 00:07:50,079 --> 00:07:53,599 It's Charlie Ireland. Now he's my, sort of, land agent. 135 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:57,200 He knows what's needed and when it's needed. 136 00:07:57,279 --> 00:07:59,959 He'll be guiding me over the coming year. 137 00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:01,719 -Jeremy, hello. -Charlie, how are you? 138 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,040 Very well thanks. How are you? 139 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,000 -[grunts] -It's quite large. 140 00:08:07,079 --> 00:08:08,199 Um... 141 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,240 Come on, it's a good tractor. 142 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,120 It's g***t the wrong hitch on. 143 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:14,920 What? 144 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,800 [Charlie] That's a European hitch. 145 00:08:16,879 --> 00:08:18,519 [Jeremy] What's... I g***t it from Germany. 146 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,120 [Charlie] You may well have done. 147 00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,159 So I can't attach anything to the back of this? 148...