Middle.Man.2016.WEB-DL.x264-FGT Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:32,331 All right. What's happened? 2 00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:34,600 Everything? 3 00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:47,039 This will only take a minute, Mr. Freeman. 4 00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:48,740 Uh, forget the mess. 5 00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:52,010 My secretary's taken the day off again. 6 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,513 Some hasidic holiday or something. 7 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:58,650 It's a Rosha... Krishna... Shanana... who the hell knows. 8 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:02,487 Anyhow, as you know, your mother owed bad taxes, 9 00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:05,624 so there's really nothing to turn over 10 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,828 other than one ring, emerald clad, platinum setting, 11 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,397 one box, cardboard variety, 12 00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:18,970 containing her, mm... "Most prized possessions." 13 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:18,970 And that's it. 14 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:24,009 Otherwise. The government's g***t you by the flagpole, Mr. Freeman, 15 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,511 and they usually win in that tug of war. 16 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,814 Now, if you would press hard, 17 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:33,018 and bend it that way, it's there, three copies, 18 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,420 right there, and right here, 19 00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,723 and one more time. 20 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,626 And that's it. Thank you, sir. 21 00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,695 For your time, for your business. 22 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,064 And for not blubbering on the mahogany. 23 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,734 Oh, whoa! Hold on a minute. 24 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,703 Looks like we g***t a floater. 25 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,773 It seems, Mr. Freeman, that there is one bill 26 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,810 your dear old mama did manage to pay off. 27 00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,977 - Hi, Rhonda. - Hi, Lenny. 28 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,111 Sorry about your loss. 29 00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:33,111 Oh, well, thank you. 30 00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:37,716 Um, before I leave, I just wanted to say that it has been so nice working with you 31 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,752 and I'm so sorry we never g***t a chance to go out on a date or anything 32 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:44,623 because you know, you always were busy with relatives in the town and stuff. 33 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:44,623 Okay. 34 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:48,527 And I wanna thank you for being my best work pal, Allen. 35 00:03:50,029 --> 00:03:52,497 Look for me in television. 36 00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,064 And now, live from Las Vegas, 37 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,899 it's the Monte guy show. 38 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,635 Tonight's guests include comedian Jimmy Shaw, 39 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,872 and the winner of last year's stand-up stand-off Willy Vince. 40 00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:11,109 Now, let's say hello to Monte guy. 41 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,648 - Hey, Shakespeare. - Hmm? 42 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,783 You in for oxygen or just another refill? 43 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:18,783 Oh, no, thank you. 44 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:21,720 "No, thank you, I've just about milked the s***t out of 45 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:21,720 this bottomless cup of 60-cent coffee," 46 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:25,624 or, "no, thank you, I'm about ready to order something 47 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,793 so I don't waste any more of the lovely miss Evelyn's valuable f***g time"? 48 00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,729 Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, um, how are your eggs? 49 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,998 Just dandy. How's your sperm? 50 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,200 It's a joke. What, you zombie people g***t no sense of humor? 51 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,903 I'm sorry. I just didn't realize you were trying to be funny. 52 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,704 I wasn't trying to be funny. I ** funny. 53 00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:40,805 There's a difference. 54 00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:40,805 Yes, ma'**. 55 00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,875 Why don't you save your negative commentary for the s***t on the menu? 56 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:43,875 Now, what do you want? 57 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:46,311 Um, I will have three eggs. 58 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:46,311 - Scrambled? - Uh, scrambled. 59 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:52,217 Oh, and a side of sausage, a side of bacon, and a side of biscuits and gravy, please. 60 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:52,217 That comes with a heart attack. 61 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,953 Would you like that for here or to go? 62 00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:57,255 It's a joke! 63 00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:57,255 I didn't... 64 00:05:57,257 --> 00:06:01,293 Hey, what are you getting off for my s***t ain't funny? 65 00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:03,595 I'll have you know my s***t is very funny. 66 00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,931 Hey, Richie, tell the man how funny my s***t is. 67 00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,033 Your s***t is very funny. 68 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,636 What? You wanna be zombie sides? Don't have pockets or a sense of humor? 69 00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,939 No, actually, I ** a stand-up comedian. 70 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,640 I mean, I will be soon. 71 00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,180 That is the funniest s***t I had heard in weeks. 72 00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:22,180 You ain't no motherfucking stand-up. 73 00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:26,284 No, no, not yet, but I'm on my way to Las Vegas for the Monte guy audition. 74 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,019 - The what? - The stand-up stand-off. 75 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,922 You know, Monte guy. - Huh. 76 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,325 Well, I'm sure he'll just snap your writer's a***s right up, 77 00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:36,595 you being on the cutting cost with contemporary comedy and all. 78 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,063 That wasn't very nice. 79 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,764 Hey, you started it, Pillsbury. 80 00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,333 You sit there, all rude and s***t, 81 00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,068 start pulling an Easter island on me. 82 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:43,068 Well, I'm sorry. 83 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:43,068 Maybe I'll just take my waitress skills closer to Vegas, 84 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:48,907 where they'll be more fully appreciated. You hear that Richie? 85 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,809 - Okay, I said I was sorry. - Too late. 86 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:50,809 You've offended me beyond repair. 87 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:55,747 Hey, Louis, three eggs, and f***k 'em up. And heavy on the cholesterol. 88 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,617 I g***t Bob hope out here on the road to a coronary. 89 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,631 - George? - Yes? 90 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,666 You're awfully funny on the radio. 91 00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:14,666 Everybody says so. 92 00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:20,071 You're the funniest comedian in the world, George. May I have your autograph? 93 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,340 - You wanted my autograph? - Yes. 94 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,809 Right here on this dotted line. 95 00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,078 Oh, so that's what you're up to, 96 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,814 trying to get my signature on that silly contract. 97 00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,716 Well, it didn't work. Now get out of here. 98 00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,084 Yes, dear. 99 00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:01,346 - Costume party? - Oh, no, thank you. 100 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:02,881 I'm on my way to Las Vegas. 101 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:02,881 - Is it much further? - About 200 miles. 102 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:09,454 Either way, once you hit lamb bone, just keep an eye out for that heavenly glow. 103 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:12,090 - Can't miss it. - Uh, thank you. 104 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,858 Is the bathroom clean? 105 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,827 Just ate dinner off the floor. 106 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,116 Hello? 107 00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,752 Dirty guy? 108 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,971 Sorry, chief, didn't mean to startle you. 109 00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,473 Was wondering if you could spare me a lift. 110 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:38,076 I'm sorry. I'm not going that way. 111 00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:41,780 How do you know? 112 00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,282 - Know what? - Where I'm going. 113 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:44,282 Well... 114 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:49,487 I just... I don't pick up hitchhikers. It's just something my mom used to say. 115 00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:49,487 You understand. 116 00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:53,391 Sure, can't be too careful these days, right? 117 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,060 Yeah. Well, sorry I couldn't help. 118 00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:01,266 Actually, you could help. You just chose not to. 119 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,934 There's a difference. 120 00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,137 No worries. 121 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,072 Always another way. 122 00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:11,075 Well, okay, uh, you should look me up, 123 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:13,278 if you're ever in Las Vegas. 124 00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,315 You famous? 125 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,151 Not yet, but I'm going to be. 126 00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:24,956 Hey, you want a ride? 127 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:49,314 Gee, that's awfully nice of Ronnie, 128 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:54,919 to let me take his Oscar home so I could show it to Rochester. 129 00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:57,155 Hmm. Sure is...