Maria.Bamford.The.Special.Special.Special.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX] Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:15,076 --> 00:00:17,035 - THE REASON I DECIDED TO DO THE SPECIAL HERE 4 00:00:17,035 --> 00:00:22,035 UH, WAS BECAUSE IT IS FREE TO PERFORM IN YOUR OWN HOME. 5 00:00:22,035 --> 00:00:24,910 - WE ARE AT THE MARIA BAMFORD SPECIAL! 6 00:00:24,910 --> 00:00:26,701 ARE YOU GUYS PSYCHED? ARE WE ALL PSYCHED? 7 00:00:28,659 --> 00:00:31,452 - UH, SURE, I'VE DONE TELEVISION SHOWS. 8 00:00:31,452 --> 00:00:36,243 I'VE BEEN IN A FEW SECONDS OF CERTAIN MOVIES, 9 00:00:36,243 --> 00:00:39,910 BUT THE PEOPLE I'M REALLY CREATING THINGS FOR 10 00:00:39,910 --> 00:00:43,493 ARE JOEL AND MARILYN BAMFORD, MY PARENTS. 11 00:00:43,493 --> 00:00:45,868 I DO KNOW THEIR NAMES, JOEL... 12 00:00:45,868 --> 00:00:49,576 AND MARILYN BAMFORD. 13 00:00:49,576 --> 00:00:51,493 - IT'S MARIA BAMFORD, 14 00:00:51,493 --> 00:00:53,368 PERFORMING LIVE IN HER OWN LIVING ROOM 15 00:00:53,368 --> 00:00:54,784 IN EAGLE ROCK, CALIFORNIA. 16 00:00:54,784 --> 00:00:57,659 IT'S THE SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL! 17 00:00:57,659 --> 00:01:00,410 TONIGHT'S ONLY AUDIENCE MEMBERS, 18 00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:02,701 MARIA'S PARENTS. 19 00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:06,243 - IT'S GONNA BE A SPECIAL, SPECIAL SPECIAL. 20 00:01:11,951 --> 00:01:14,118 MY CURLING IRON'S PRETTY HOT. 21 00:01:14,118 --> 00:01:17,076 THESE CURLS ARE GONNA BE TIGHT. 22 00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:18,868 - ALL RIGHT, AND WE'RE READY. 23 00:01:18,868 --> 00:01:20,910 LET'S HEAR YOU LAUGH. LET'S HEAR YOU LAUGH. 24 00:01:22,368 --> 00:01:23,784 AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK. 25 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,618 THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE READY TO BEGIN. 26 00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:27,951 WAYNE, LET'S GET SOME MUSIC GOING, GET MARIA OUT HERE. 27 00:01:27,951 --> 00:01:29,451 YOU KNOW HER FROM BIRTH. 28 00:01:29,451 --> 00:01:30,618 YOU'VE KNOWN HER FOR A LONG TIME, 29 00:01:30,618 --> 00:01:31,951 SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING. 30 00:01:31,951 --> 00:01:33,534 LET'S HAVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, 31 00:01:33,534 --> 00:01:36,743 A BIG EAGLE ROCK WELCOME FOR MARIA BAMFORD. 32 00:01:38,784 --> 00:01:42,993 - JACKIE KASHIAN, WAYNE FEDERMAN. 33 00:01:42,993 --> 00:01:44,993 WHOA! BOOM! 34 00:01:44,993 --> 00:01:46,368 YEAH. 35 00:01:46,368 --> 00:01:49,534 YEAH, EAGLE ROCK! 36 00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:51,826 THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING, MOM AND DAD. 37 00:01:53,576 --> 00:01:55,576 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, 38 00:01:55,576 --> 00:02:00,368 BUT I'M REALLY PRETTY CONCERNED ABOUT CELEBRITY CHEF PAULA DEEN, 39 00:02:00,368 --> 00:02:04,743 BECAUSE NOW HER RECIPES REALLY READ LIKE A SUICIDE NOTE. 40 00:02:04,743 --> 00:02:06,910 YOU KNOW, WE GONNA BE MAKING 41 00:02:06,910 --> 00:02:08,368 SOME SWEET CREAMS, 42 00:02:08,368 --> 00:02:10,743 LITTLE BALLS OF BUTTER CHURNED IN CRISCO, 43 00:02:10,743 --> 00:02:12,784 FATBACK CRACKLINGS, BLUBBER, 44 00:02:12,784 --> 00:02:17,409 MARGARINE, MAYONNAISE, EACH DAY I WAKE TO A FRESH NIGHTMARE. 45 00:02:17,409 --> 00:02:19,576 THE PAIN IS TOO GREAT. 46 00:02:19,576 --> 00:02:21,409 ROLL THAT IN SOME GRANULATED SUGAR, 47 00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:22,993 POWDERED SUGAR, CANDY, 48 00:02:22,993 --> 00:02:26,993 CANDY COAT, GUMMY SNACKS, MELBA TOAST, CUPCAKES... 49 00:02:30,826 --> 00:02:31,910 SOME NERDS. 50 00:02:31,910 --> 00:02:33,618 DON'T LOOK FOR ME. 51 00:02:33,618 --> 00:02:36,118 I'VE MADE A PLAN, AND I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. 52 00:02:36,118 --> 00:02:37,993 DRESS THAT IN SOME FUDGE. 53 00:02:37,993 --> 00:02:40,618 HEAVY CREAM, WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, 54 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:43,576 ICE CREAM, CAKE BATTER, PEANUT BUTTER, 55 00:02:43,576 --> 00:02:48,409 FRENCH-FRIED STUFF, MARSHMALLOW FLUFF, WAFFLE. 56 00:02:54,035 --> 00:02:55,784 AN EGG. 57 00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:59,076 BON APETIT, AND GOOD-BYE." 58 00:02:59,076 --> 00:03:01,409 SHE'LL BE FINE. 59 00:03:01,409 --> 00:03:03,202 I'M TRYING TO LEARN TO COOK. 60 00:03:03,202 --> 00:03:05,202 EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS HOW EASY IT IS TO COOK, 61 00:03:05,202 --> 00:03:10,035 BUT IT IS NOT ANY EASIER THAN NOT COOKING. 62 00:03:10,035 --> 00:03:12,951 OH, JUST GET A REALLY GOOD VIRGIN OLIVE OIL. 63 00:03:12,951 --> 00:03:17,618 UH, GIRL SCOUT COOKIE WRAPPED IN MEAT? 64 00:03:17,618 --> 00:03:21,035 OH, NO, JUST SLICE UP A COUPLE OF VEGETABLES, 65 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:24,326 SQUEEZY CHEESE ON FINGER, CAN OF WINE. 66 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:33,243 NO, JUST... 67 00:03:33,243 --> 00:03:37,160 PREHEAT THE OVEN TO-- AAH! 68 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,284 HOT POWER BAR FROM GLOVE COMPARTMENT. 69 00:03:40,284 --> 00:03:42,659 OOH, DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO. 70 00:03:42,659 --> 00:03:46,160 FRESH FROM THE OVEN. 71 00:03:49,076 --> 00:03:52,118 SO, UM... 72 00:03:52,118 --> 00:03:53,618 I WISH THEY'D PROVIDE RECIPES FOR FOOD 73 00:03:53,618 --> 00:03:55,202 THAT YOU CAN GET AT THE GAS STATION. 74 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:58,868 HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GAS STATION TUNA FISH SANDWICH? 75 00:03:58,868 --> 00:04:02,618 OH, MY GOSH. SO GOOD, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO TUNA IT. 76 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:07,243 IT'S JUST A SCRUMPTIOUS FISHY NOUGAT. 77 00:04:07,243 --> 00:04:09,243 OR A GAS STATION MUFFIN-- 78 00:04:09,243 --> 00:04:12,659 YOU'D HAVE TO START WITH THE COLOR YELLOW. 79 00:04:12,659 --> 00:04:15,451 THOSE BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN GIANTS, 80 00:04:15,451 --> 00:04:19,743 HOW DO THEY MAKE THEM SEEM SO REAL? 81 00:04:19,743 --> 00:04:21,160 I ALWAYS WANT TO CALL UP 82 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,910 ONE OF THOSE PUBLIC-RADIO COOKING SHOWS, 83 00:04:22,910 --> 00:04:26,451 AND ASK, "HI, MY HUSBAND AND I-- WE LOVE THE SHOW. 84 00:04:26,451 --> 00:04:27,951 "GUESTS ARE COMING IN AT 6:00. 85 00:04:27,951 --> 00:04:30,284 "I'M GONNA PICK UP THE SLURPEES AT 5:45. 86 00:04:30,284 --> 00:04:31,910 "THE CORN-DOG TAQUITO ROLLERS-- 87 00:04:31,910 --> 00:04:36,784 IN ORDER TO KEEP THEM WARM, DO I JUST SIT ON THEM?" 88 00:04:39,493 --> 00:04:41,534 "I'LL TAKE MY ANSWER OFF THE AIR." 89 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,284 I HAVE SOME FRIENDS WHO ARE HEALTH ORIENTED, 90 00:04:47,284 --> 00:04:51,284 AND THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU LOVE CARROT CAKE. 91 00:04:51,284 --> 00:04:54,451 ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS JUST PUT A CARROT IN A CAKE PAN." 92 00:04:54,451 --> 00:04:58,326 OH, YOU MEAN INSTEAD OF HAVING SOMETHING THAT I REALLY LIKE, 93 00:04:58,326 --> 00:05:01,993 HAVE A LOT OF SOMETHING THAT I REALLY HATE? 94 00:05:01,993 --> 00:05:05,492 IN THAT VEIN, I HAVE, UH... 95 00:05:05,492 --> 00:05:09,326 EXCHANGED MY AFTERNOON M&M SNACK 96 00:05:09,326 --> 00:05:13,701 WITH A LONG WALK THROUGH THE TUNNELS OF THE L.A. RIVER, 97 00:05:13,701 --> 00:05:17,367 AND I LISTEN TO MYSELF MAKING THIS NOISE. 98 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,743 IT'S ALMOST A LITTLE TOO RICH. 99 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,451 A LITTLE TOO SWEET. 100 00:05:33,868 --> 00:05:35,784 I WOULD LIKE TO BE A VEGETARIAN, 101 00:05:35,784 --> 00:05:38,534 BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT I'D BE AN OSKAR SCHINDLER 102 00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:41,451 IN THE FACE OF A SYSTEMATIC GENOCIDE, 103 00:05:41,451 --> 00:05:44,367 BUT APPARENTLY, FIRST, THEY CAME FOR THE CHEESEBURGERS, 104 00:05:44,367 --> 00:05:48,993 AND I SAID NOTHING 'CAUSE I WAS NOT A CHEESEBURGER. 105 00:05:59,035 --> 00:06:00,201 OKAY. 106 00:06:00,201 --> 00:06:02,367 NOT COOL. 107 00:06:02,367 --> 00:06:04,409 NOT COOL. 108 00:06:04,409 --> 00:06:06,242 OKAY. 109 00:06:06,242 --> 00:06:08,576 AH, HA HA! 110 00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:11,409 COOKIES. COOKIES! 111 00:06:11,409 --> 00:06:13,993 THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL. 112 00:06:16,367 --> 00:06:18,618 HEY, RIGHT? 113 00:06:18,618 --> 00:06:20,076 ANYBODY? 114 00:06:21,618 --> 00:06:25,367 OOH, AH. COOKIES, HERE YOU GO. 115 00:06:25,367 --> 00:06:26,826 HERE YOU GO. PLEASE. 116 00:06:26,826 --> 00:06:29,618 - WOW. - PLEASE TAKE ONE OR-- 117 00:06:29,618 --> 00:06:31,076 - WELL, YEAH-- 118 00:06:31,076 --> 00:06:34,035 WELL, OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE TWO. 119 00:06:34,035 --> 00:06:35,868 WE G***T TO MAKE SURE THERE'S ENOUGH 120 00:06:35,868 --> 00:06:37,493 FOR EVERYBODY IN THE CREW. 121 00:06:37,493 --> 00:06:40,076 G***T TO MAKE SURE. 122 00:06:40,076 --> 00:06:42,284 WOULD YOU LIKE A COOKIE? 123 00:06:42,284 --> 00:06:43,618 YES. 124 00:06:43,618 --> 00:06:45,284 ♪ ♪ 125 00:06:45,284 --> 00:06:47,159 YES. 126 00:06:47,159 --> 00:06:49,451 OH, SOUND FRIEND? 127 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,826 WE'LL HAVE TO KEEP... 128 00:06:51,826 --> 00:06:53,284 - HERE, I'LL TAKE THE TRAY. 129 00:06:53,284 --> 00:06:55,035 - OH, OKAY. OH, GREAT, GREAT. 130 00:06:55,035 --> 00:06:58,659 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 131 00:06:58,659 --> 00:07:00,242 OKAY. 132 00:07:02,076 --> 00:07:05,826 VERY NICE. VERY NICE. 133 00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,284 NOW, I SEE THERE'S A LOVING COUPLE 134 00:07:08,284 --> 00:07:11,451 IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT. 135 00:07:11,451 --> 00:07:15,701 I MYSELF HAVE NOT HAD A LOT OF CONFIDENCE. 136 00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:20,492 I HAVE NOT HAD THE GIFT OF, "YEAH, WE BOTH MET, 137 00:07:20,492 --> 00:07:22,868 AND WE BOTH JUST KIND OF KNEW." 138 00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:27,075 OH, OH, SO YOU GUYS NEVER FIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING? 139 00:07:27,075 --> 00:07:29,242 "OH... 140 00:07:29,242 --> 00:07:31,701 HE DOESN'T LIKE ONIONS." 141 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:35,451 OH, SO YOU NEVER HAD ANY ISSUES YOU HAD TO WORK THROUGH 142 00:07:35,451 --> 00:07:37,868 WITH, LIKE, A F***G WORKBOOK? 143 00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:41,326 "YOU KNOW, IF WERE YOU, I'D JUST WATCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS." 144 00:07:41,326 --> 00:07:42,826 OH, OKAY. 145 00:07:42,826 --> 00:07:47,284 BUT WHAT IF I'M, LIKE, A FLAG FACTORY 146 00:07:47,284 --> 00:07:52,117 THAT ONLY MANUFACTURES GIANT RED FLAGS. 147 00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:02,743 "MAYBE YOU NEED TO LEARN TO BE THE ONE 148 00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,034 BEFORE YOU MEET THE ONE." 149 00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:05,576 OH, IS THAT BOB DYLAN? 150 00:08:05,576 -->...