How I Met Your Mother S05E03 Robin 101 (1080p x265 Joy) Movie Subtitles

1 00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:02,464 OLDER TED: Kids, your uncle Barney had been called 2 00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:04,127 a lot of names over the years. 3 00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:05,193 Jerk! 4 00:00:06,139 --> 00:00:08,266 B***d! 5 00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:09,740 Barack Obama, Jr? 6 00:00:09,809 --> 00:00:10,935 Mmm-hmm. 7 00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:14,003 And, yes. We can. 8 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,878 But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called. 9 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:20,078 Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. 10 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:23,281 I've said it, like, 100 times. It still sounds weird to say. 11 00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:26,223 Well, anything sounds weird if you say it 100 times. 12 00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:28,488 Bowl. 13 00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:30,028 Bowl. 14 00:00:30,997 --> 00:00:32,157 Bowl. 15 00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:34,433 - But other than that, things are good? - Bowl. 16 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,024 - Bowl. - I don't know. 17 00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:37,933 - I think Barney's been single for too long. - Bowl. 18 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:39,972 Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a. m... 19 00:00:40,073 --> 00:00:41,062 (CLATTERING) 20 00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:42,199 (GASPS) 21 00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,803 Barney, are you awake? 22 00:00:45,311 --> 00:00:46,972 Barney? 23 00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:53,146 Barney. This is not a one-night stand. We're dating. Come back to bed. 24 00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:00,888 - Bowl. Bowl. - That's happened three times. 25 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,552 And it's not just that, it's other things. 26 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,496 Hey. What's wrong? 27 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,228 It was just one thing after another at work today, 28 00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:12,328 and then I found out my aunt's in the hospital. 29 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,532 I'm just... I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just... 30 00:01:14,607 --> 00:01:15,835 (SHUSHING) 31 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,969 What you need to do is talk through this stuff. 32 00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:20,569 Thanks. 33 00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:22,478 And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, 34 00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:25,814 I'll be down in the bar ready to have s***x. Okay? 35 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:28,380 Bowl. 36 00:01:28,688 --> 00:01:32,317 Look, I'm not the touchy-feeliest person in the world, but, 37 00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:33,723 a little more effort would be nice. 38 00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:35,192 - Bowl. Bowl. - I understand. 39 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,559 I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up. 40 00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:38,892 - Bowl. Bowl. - I mean, you've had some 41 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,227 pretty incredible boyfriends. 42 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:44,737 Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. 43 00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:48,336 - No, that's not it. I don't know. - Bowl. Bowl. 44 00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:51,343 - Maybe he just doesn't have it in him. - Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. 45 00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:53,311 - Maybe this whole thing's a big mistake. - Bowl. 46 00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:55,405 Bowl? 47 00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:58,206 - She really said that? - And she meant it. 48 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:01,447 Trust me. I dated Robin for a year. If you don't want to lose her, 49 00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:03,113 you gotta try a little harder. 50 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,282 Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. 51 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,451 You know, just be present. 52 00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:11,360 Yes, totally. Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me, 53 00:02:11,431 --> 00:02:14,366 I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around 54 00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:18,370 next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out! 55 00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:20,099 OLDER TED: But then, a funny thing happened. 56 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,241 Over the next couple of weeks, Barney was thoughtful, 57 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:25,937 considerate, sweet. 58 00:02:26,412 --> 00:02:30,872 In short, the perfect boyfriend, which, to Robin, meant only one thing. 59 00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:32,383 - He's cheating on me. - What? 60 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:35,012 Why else would he buy me flowers? He's getting some on the side. 61 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,555 Come on, Robin. 62 00:02:36,623 --> 00:02:39,148 Barney's not the type of guy who would... Go on. 63 00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:41,216 Plus, he keeps saying he's working late. 64 00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,421 But when I call his office, they say he left hours ago. 65 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,963 Well, that doesn't prove anything. 66 00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:48,626 Yes. Proof. Good word. I'm glad you brought that up. 67 00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:51,465 Barney's briefcase. He forgot it here this morning. 68 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,501 And what do you plan on doing with it? 69 00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:57,634 We. We, you and I, are going to open it up and look for evidence. 70 00:02:58,044 --> 00:03:00,342 Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere. 71 00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:04,440 No! Stop! Stop! Eye contact. Listen to me. 72 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,953 Robin Scherbatsky is many things. Friend, confidant, 73 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,319 occasional guest star in some confusing dreams 74 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,915 that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target. 75 00:03:12,992 --> 00:03:17,554 But she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch. Let go. 76 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:21,930 Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff 77 00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,595 that Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm sorry, Robin. 78 00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:26,070 We should've cleared it out for you much sooner. 79 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,538 There's a basement storage area? 80 00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:31,168 You're not upset. Good. Baby, guess what I found. 81 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,777 - That's great, honey. - What the hell is that? 82 00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:44,619 Marshall g***t it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years. 83 00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:48,183 Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin. 84 00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:49,819 - Barrel resin? - Just go with it. 85 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,625 So, you need a hand throwing it out? 86 00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:55,190 No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? 87 00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:57,065 Mabel's like family. 88 00:03:57,337 --> 00:04:00,135 So, what are you going to do with Mabel? 89 00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:02,868 I want to give her away to a lucky new owner. 90 00:04:02,942 --> 00:04:05,604 - Do you know anyone? - Yeah, let me think. 91 00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:07,805 Do I know any rodeo clowns? 92 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:09,708 That's weird, I do. 93 00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:11,682 But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess. 94 00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:16,150 Well, he's not going to have the chance because I ** putting old Mabel 95 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:17,621 in the Bermuda Triangle. 96 00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:20,383 OLDER TED: "The Bermuda Triangle" was the name we'd given 97 00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:23,952 years earlier to the curb right in front of our building. 98 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:28,063 Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there. 99 00:04:32,305 --> 00:04:34,466 It was uncanny. 100 00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:36,703 This is so exciting. 101 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,676 Right now, there's someone out there who has no idea 102 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:42,077 that tonight they're going home with just... 103 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:43,942 Just the best barrel. 104 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:47,145 Well, let's just hope they're not allergic to barrel resin like Lily here. 105 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,915 Be cool, baby. D***n. 106 00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:52,289 - See you, sweetie. Good luck. - Bye, babe. 107 00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:56,628 - Now, can we please get out of here? - Yeah. I'll grab my coat. 108 00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:58,691 (GRUNTING) 109 00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:00,630 Oops. 110 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,068 A college notebook? 111 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,197 Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl. 112 00:05:07,273 --> 00:05:09,901 I knew there was a skank, but I thought she'd at least be dumb. 113 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:13,945 "Birthday, July 23. 114 00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:15,742 "Favorite hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks. 115 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:19,046 "Age 29, but tells people that she's 26." 116 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:23,487 Oh, my God, these are notes about me, or some 29-year-old version of me. 117 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:24,545 (DOOR OPENS) 118 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,383 I hope I'm not too late! 119 00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:29,360 I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face! 120 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:35,931 She's still there! 121 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,904 Okay, Mabel, let's find you a new home. 122 00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:41,629 Here comes a guy! 123 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:45,200 And he... He just walked, walked right on by it. 124 00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:48,509 He's probably rushing home to get a handcart or something. 125 00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:50,515 Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal. 126 00:05:50,616 --> 00:05:51,640 (LAUGHS) 127 00:05:51,718 -->...